Name: Rumor Mill and 1st Arnie Barnes Call on Letterman, January 29, 1986
Uploaded: 2017-04-02T20:27:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rumor Mill and 1st Arnie Barnes Call on Letterman, January 29, 1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rumor Mill and 1st Arnie Barnes Call on Letterman, January 29, 1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-02. Transcript available.

What do we do now? We're going to do the top ten or get right on with it?
Top ten.
Okay. You know, we're thinking about discontinuing our top ten lists.
We're only thinking about it.
And tonight from the home office in Milwaukee, we have...
I'll tell you what, let's do soup of the day first.
Can we do that?
Look at people running around.
Some kind of an alert in the studio here.
What is it, Hal?
Let's do soup of the day later, okay?
Oh, okay. We'll do soup of the day later. Later.
Yeah, let's do... I'll tell you what. Let's just go on to the first thing.
You know, we're in a business where every day...
What do you hear all the time on the streets in show business, Paul?
You hear a lot of rumors.
Rumors. All the time.
In the music industry, in television, in motion pictures, you always hear
rumors.
True.
But you never hear any really good rumors, do you?
Occasionally you do.
Once in a while, but you never really hear...
Tonight we're going to see if we can't start a rumor and have it sweep the
country.
Believe me, this country needs sweeping.
Has anybody...
Yes, give me, Dave.
Yes, Hal.
I have a rumor.
Hal Gertner, our director, has a rumor.
Yes, Hal, what did you hear?
Dave, you know the foil-covered popcorn pads that puff up when you cook them?
Oh, yeah. You put it right there on your stove and you get popcorn?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You just try and open one before it's heated.
Right.
It lets off a gas that causes amnesia.
All right, well.
Okay, so if you puncture the seal before you heat it, gas will come out and it
causes amnesia?
Yeah.
Okay, all right.
Well, that's a good rumor.
That's a pretty good one, Paul.
All right, rumor number one is the popcorn amnesia rumor.
Dave.
Yeah, yeah, what is it? Biff Henderson, our stage manager. Biff, you have a
rumor for us?
Yes, Dave. Did you know that CBS anchorman Dan Rather and ABC anchorman Peter
Jennings are secretly married?
Really?
Secretly?
Now, where did you hear that?
They were wed in a quiet ceremony in South America.
South America.
One year ago today.
One year ago today.
One year.
Anything about the ceremony?
I heard from some of the guys in news that they wrote their own vows.
Oh, well, that's nice.
And how were they dressed?
And one of them wore an outfit that was kind of lemon sherbet color.
Kind of lemon sherbet.
Kind of.
Biff, have you been back there popping corn?
Okay, so that's rumor number two.
It's Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, secretly married.
Oh, this is pretty good.
All right, we have two rumors now.
Dave, I have yet another rumor.
Oh, good, Paul.
Sure, get in on this.
I have a rumor.
You know, he's the hardest working man in show business.
You know who I'm talking about.
James Brown.
James Brown, absolutely.
A lot of people don't know this, but he has the highest IQ in North America,
and he receives
millions of dollars every year from the process of fluoridation.
Oh, where they add fluoride to the water.
Yeah, which he invented.
He invented that.
And patented in the 50s, so he really doesn't have to work at all.
That's amazing.
He also was on the team that came up with sonar for the Navy.
Now, that's hard to believe.
James Brown.
James Brown.
Now, that's quite a rumor.
All right, so we have three pretty good rumors here.
Anybody else?
Here's one, Dave.
Oh, it's Gerard Mulligan, one of our writers.
Yeah, Gerard.
You know this celebrity photo in the upper right-hand corner?
Every cover of People magazine has a celebrity.
Oh, sure.
The little box up there on the right hand?
Yeah.
You know what that's called?
No, I don't know.
It's called the hot corner.
The hot corner.
All right, you know why?
No, I don't know.
Everyone who appears there has gone to bed with Henry Anatole Grunwald, who's
the editor
of People magazine.
Really?
No, it's true.
And the weird part is they don't have to do it.
It's true.
They do it because they want to.
They just do it because he's a gracious fellow.
Exactly.
Well, that's stunning.
I haven't heard that from the world of publishing, Paul.
Look at there.
We got a rumor about People magazine.
Yeah, anybody else?
Yeah, Dave.
Robert Moore, for sure.
Yeah, I heard a pretty good rumor.
Yeah, what is it, Robert?
Mine's about Tyne Daly, you know, the woman on Cagney and Lacey.
Oh, Kate Nally.
No, Cagney and Lacey.
Oh, Cagney and Lacey, right.
Well, I heard the rumor that every year on her birthday, she actually hires
somebody to
break her nose.
You mean she'll pay somebody to punch her in the face?
No, no, not punch.
Just really apply steady pressure until it breaks.
She pays for that?
Yeah, yeah.
My doctor in L.A., you know, he told me.
He mentioned that to you?
Yeah, he sets it every year.
Unbelievable.
The guy sets it every year.
That's stunning news there from the world of television.
Thank you very much, Robert.
Okay.
We have five pretty good rumors here.
I tell you what, I think we have enough.
Let's vote here quickly, and then we'll see if we can't start spreading this
thing.
Buy your applause, ladies and gentlemen, and we'll measure it on this terribly
sensitive device
over here.
There it is.
Do you like the popcorn amnesia rumor?
Is somebody tabulating all this?
How about Dan Rather, Peter Jennings?
James, the next one is James Brown, has the highest IQ in North America.
The man responsible for fluoridation process.
The report of the People Magazine editor-in-chief, Henry Anatole Grunwald.
Okay, and number five, every year on her birthday, Tyne Daly has her nose
broken by applying
steady pressure.
All right, come on over, Paul.
I think it's obvious that the winner is number two, Dan Rather, Peter Jennings,
secretly married.
All right.
You want to do this now?
Okay.
Paul, now we have to spread the rumor, and I think the best way is to get this
planted
in the heartland of America.
We're going to call a number in Omaha, Nebraska.
Paul, just riffle through there and point to a number.
Give me the number, and we'll call and give him the rumor.
Okay, I got a guy here, Richard Gustafson.
Okay, what's the number?
The number is...
in Omaha.
Now, don't memorize this number and call the guy, okay?
Okay.
Richard Gustafson is his name?
Yeah, there he is.
All right, Omaha, Nebraska, area code 402.
It's ringing.
We'll see if we can talk to Mr. Gustafson on the air.
Get another number ready if he's not home.
Hello, is Richard there?
Who am I speaking to?
Oh, what's your name, sir?
Arnie?
Arnie, my name...
Is there Arnie or Arnie?
Arnie, A-R-N-I-E?
Okay.
Arnie, my name is David Letterman.
I'm calling from New York City.
I do a television show there for NBC.
It's on at 1230 right after The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.
Do you mind if we put your voice on the air here so we can talk to you?
Is it okay?
Okay, Arnie says it's okay.
Arnie, um...
Arnie, what do you do for a living?
Work on my steak.
Uh-huh.
What is that?
Meat.
You're working meat.
And how old a man are you, Arnie?
19.
19.
Have you ever seen this program, Arnie?
Yeah.
Yeah, and is it all right with you?
Yeah.
I got another number waiting.
Arnie, get a hold of yourself, will you?
Arnie, listen, the reason I'm calling, I just heard some disturbing news about
Dan Rather.
You know, he's the CBS anchorman.
And Peter Jennings, you know, he's the ABC anchorman.
Apparently, about a year ago, these guys went to South America and were
secretly married.
Arnie, what do you think of that?
Arnie?
I don't know.
Isn't that the most unbelievable thing you've heard?
Yeah.
Arnie, you're not in some recovery room of a hospital, are you?
I'll tell you what, Arnie, do me a favor now.
When do you go to work?
In the morning?
Yeah, you go to work tomorrow morning?
Yeah.
Now, when you have your little coffee break there, I want you to start telling
all your friends at work this rumor.
You know what the rumor, tell me what the rumor is.
Those two guys went to South America and got married.
That's right, that's right.
Is this the happiest day of your life?
All right, listen, Arnie, we have to go.
We have a show here.
Thanks for talking with us.
Yep.
Okay.
Work on that rumor.
All right.
All right, bye-bye.
Nice talking with you.
Arnie.
I'm adjusting.
We'll do a commercial here, and then we'll be right back with Robin Williams.
We'll be right back with Robin Williams.
We'll be right back with Robin Williams.
We'll be right back with Robin Williams.
We'll be right back with Robin Williams.