Name: Jon Stewart on Letterman, March 6, 1992
Uploaded: 2017-04-04T20:07:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jon Stewart on Letterman, March 6, 1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-04. Transcript available. Jon makes his network television debut on Late Night #1600.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jon Stewart on Letterman, March 6, 1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-04. Transcript available. Jon makes his network television debut on Late Night #1600.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our program. Not only is it our program, oh,
you know what this is?
This is our 1600th program.
Yeah! Whoa!
1600 shows! Man!
Can't believe it!
400 more shows, I get a G.E. steam iron.
Celebrating with us here tonight, Anthony Quinn will be joining us in a couple
of moments.
Also, Gabby Hoffman and a young comedian making his network television debut,
Jon Stewart.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, do me a favor, say hello to our good friend, Paul
Shavers.
There he is.
How do you do?
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
Our next guest is a stand-up comedian, and he is making his network television
debut with us here tonight.
He is also the co-host of Short Attention Span Theater on Comedy Central.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jon Stewart.
Or Jon!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I saw in the paper recently that Russia has announced plans to pursue foreign
investment and tourism to help their ailing economy.
Now, I don't want to be too negative, but are conditions really optimal in
Russia right now to mount an effective tourist campaign?
What kind of slogan are they going to come up with?
Come to Russia.
It's cold and we have no food.
Gee, honey, what do you think?
Club Med Leningrad, bring a lunch.
But it's a very strange thing.
I feel for Russia.
I'm Russian.
My grandfather is from Russia.
And I had dinner with him last night because I lost, you know, the coin flip.
And he's a nice enough guy, but he's an incredible bigot.
And you would think being an immigrant, that would be a contradiction.
But I guess he was just one of those guys who came to this country, got off the
boat at Ellis Island, signed in, and then turned to the people behind him in
line and went,
Now, get off my land, you foreign bastards.
In 10 seconds, you're ruining everything.
There's so many bigots now in the world.
It seems to be on the rise.
I saw this Ku Klux Klansman on Geraldo.
Ignorant creep, Geraldo.
But, um...
Thank you.
Yes.
You know what?
The weird thing about racial violence I never understood is when minorities
battle other minorities.
Like, I'm a Jewish guy.
I never understood why there was so much animosity between the Jewish community
and the black community.
I mean, we come from the same history.
2,000 years of persecution.
We've just expressed our sufferings differently as people.
Blacks develop the blues.
Jews complain.
We just never thought of putting it to music.
It's very similar.
We whine.
We just have no real sense of rhythm, I guess.
It's, uh...
She said...
My grandmother actually wrote a very lovely blues song recently called, uh, Gee,
It's Drafty Here.
And, uh...
She was in a Chinese restaurant.
It just kind of hit her, I guess.
That's all.
So much racial violence, sexual violence.
That's all.
The televised trials now are all about sex.
The oddest one I thought so far was the William Kennedy Smith trial.
William...
Kennedy...
Smith.
What is Kennedy?
His maiden name?
What the hell is that?
You're Bill Smith, the sex offender.
Get over yourself.
Honestly.
How many people are going to hide behind that?
What's next?
Mike Kennedy Tyson for the appeal?
Come on.
I should say this.
A real Kennedy never would have attacked that girl.
And been indicted for it.
Because...
They had Ted Kennedy up on the witness stand.
That was magic.
You swear to tell the whole truth and not about the truth so I'll help you, God?
No.
Don't you know who I am?
Didn't my people talk to you?
I look at Ted Kennedy and I just think...
He has an enormous head.
It's huge!
It's disturbing!
It doesn't even look like a head.
It looks more like a container for a head.
I don't mean...
Listen, I'm...
I empathize with him.
I know he's had a very difficult life.
It must be very traumatic to be one of the only males in your family
to never have had sex with Marilyn Monroe.
I think that's a cross to bear.
You know they never let him forget about it.
I'm sure weekends at Hyannisport,
Schwarzenegger's giving him grief from the living room.
Daddy.
Come in here.
Something like it hot is on television.
Shut up!
I could have.
But you know what?
As peculiar as our country is,
I mean, I'm so glad that we're not, like,
the Middle East or some...
I mean, there's an area that is just so volatile.
It's just...
The Middle East will never be calm.
It will never be settled.
Too many people have too many claims
on too small a parcel of land.
You know, it's like...
Take Israel, for example.
Israel's a tiny country.
It's tiny.
It's this big.
And yet every major religion has a claim to it.
Christianity, Judaism, and Islam
all began in Israel.
All began in Jerusalem.
All began within, like,
a two-block radius of each other.
Do you realize what this means?
Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses
all went to the same high school.
Where Jesus had been captain of the swim team.
Yeah.
Oh, please.
I should say,
Moses was on the swim team,
but he kept getting disqualified
for parting the water
and running across.
It's just...
It's an increasingly violent world,
you know?
And I guess my big fear is that
the next war we have
is going to be nuclear.
And we're all going to die.
And you know who's going to feel stupidest
at that final moment
of the world's destruction?
People that have been on Ultra Slim Fast
for the past three weeks.
Thanks very much.
Thank you.