Name: Dave's Calls to Mom Collection on LNwDL, 1990-93
Uploaded: 2017-04-13T06:23:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Calls to Mom Collection on LNwDL, 1990-93' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Calls to Mom Collection on LNwDL, 1990-93' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-13. Transcript available.

Dave's Calls to Mom Collection on LNwDL, 1990-93

I got a card from my mother today.
Yeah?
Yeah, she's on vacation, and a little card, a little note, she's in Alaska, and
she wanted
to know whatever happened to Friday night videos.
Stunt.
She's on vacation.
She didn't, Mom didn't get the word.
Your mother was.
They're gone.
Friday night videos are gone.
They come on right after us at about 3.
The network signs off.
We're on from 12.30 to 1.30.
The network signs off, a couple hours of black, and then at 3, they sign.
Back on, that's where you'll find your Friday night video show.
Right there.
Your big record party countdown dance review.
That's it.
I'm going to go home.
Of course, I've been catching up on the summer blockbusters.
Last weekend, I saw Batman.
Have you seen Batman?
Yeah, not yet.
Yeah, I've seen Batman, and so this, I think tomorrow, I'll be seeing I Ate the
Kids.
Honey, I shrunk the kids.
Honey, I ate the kids.
Something like that.
I got a letter from my mother the other day.
Oh, that's nice.
Did you ever call her for her birthday?
Maybe, maybe not, but I got a letter from her.
Yeah.
Very nice letter.
She'd been very busy.
Now, listen to this.
See if you don't think this is a little excessive.
She went to one of these places where you can pick blueberries, because she
likes blueberries,
and she makes things out of blueberries, and she has a big freezer.
Fair enough.
So, she goes to this place, and you pay, I don't know, you slap down 20 bucks,
and you
pick all day.
Yeah.
Isn't that an old song?
Slap down 20 bucks.
Slap down 20 bucks.
And you pick all day?
Yeah.
Maybe, maybe that isn't an old song.
So, anyway, she, 22 pounds of blueberries.
Wow.
You think that's a lot?
Blueberries?
Yeah, that's a lot.
It seems to me like it is.
How long would it take somebody to pick?
I don't know how long, but, you know, what is mom going to do now with 22
pounds of blueberries?
Does she bake?
Huh?
Does she bake?
Does she, well, yeah, I guess she does a little.
Does she preserve?
Yeah, she looks pretty good, as a matter of fact.
Well, then that's what she'll do.
Oh, boy, let's do our, let's do our, what are we doing?
I have one.
You have a bat signal.
There's only two people in the world who have these, the commissioner there of
Gotham.
Commissioner Gordon, and me.
Yeah.
I have the other one.
Use it wisely.
Yeah, oh, no.
Don't overuse it.
Batman knows this was only a test.
Okay.
Because he'd have to put down his beer, get into that big rubber suit.
Yeah.
Pull off those tights.
Yeah, he'd think, oh, damn, there's trouble at Radio City or wherever we are.
Where are we?
Rockefeller Center.
It would have been just like Batman to go to the wrong damn building, wouldn't
it?
I have one right here.
Hey, let me ask you something, by the way.
Sure.
Because we were talking about this last week.
It was your mother's birthday some weeks ago.
Two weeks ago, yeah.
My mom had a birthday.
Did you ever call her?
Well, I sent her a lovely gift.
You know, I sent her a lovely gift.
I always, every year, I sent her a lovely gift, yeah.
That's nice.
Did you call her, though, on your birthday?
I know you didn't call her on your birthday, but...
No, I couldn't call her on her birthday.
So have you called her since?
No.
Well, let me explain this.
It's not that I don't want to call, but now it's in that awkward stage where I
should have
called boom right then, and then I didn't, and now we're kind of getting into
an odd area.
Yeah, the longer you wait, the harder it is to call.
What do you do about it?
Yeah, you know who I think would help?
I think I know who has the perfect advice for this kind of thing.
Who could advise you on this?
Just give me one second.
I'll get some advice on how to call my mother, when to call my mother, and then
everything
will be just perfect.
All right.
It's odd that I feel even awkward about placing this call, but it's just one of
those odd
little things that comes up from time to time.
All right.
I think what we'll do here is we'll call Phoebe Cates.
She should know.
Oh.
She's going to know how to handle this awkward situation with your mother.
Yeah, I would think so.
She'll have some insight for her.
She's filming a movie now.
Gremlins 2.
Yeah.
Can you wait until that one hits the screens?
If you liked Gremlins 1, and who didn't?
Yes, my name is Dave Letterman.
I'm calling from New York City.
We're doing a little TV show here.
Can I use your voice on the program, sir?
Okay.
Go ahead and turn it on.
What is your name?
Hello.
Yes, hello.
Harold.
Hi.
This is Harold.
The security of stage 16.
Uh-huh.
What is your name?
Harold?
That is correct.
Okay.
How is the security there on stage 16?
Great.
Okay.
Yeah.
Harold, you know, I have some security right here in New York City, but I don't
have
to use it too often.
Harold, I need to talk to Phoebe Cates.
All right.
Could you stand by, please, and I'll get her.
How long is this going to be?
You don't have to drive out to her house.
About a minute.
I'll get her on the radio, down on the set, and I'll get her over here.
About a minute?
Yeah, about a minute or two.
That's all.
Hold on, please.
Now, when you say a minute, you're thinking actually more like 10 seconds,
right?
It'll be right here.
Oh, no.
Hold on, please.
Hal, do we have a clock we can time this guy?
What if it is actually a minute?
Hal?
Hal?
Yeah, Dave.
Do we have a...
I just came in.
Yeah.
On the program tonight, we, of course, have Howard...
She's on her way.
She's what?
She's on her way.
Oh, nice going.
You know, that was only like 10 seconds.
Well, I'm here to please.
Thank you.
Okay, so we'll talk to the lovely Phoebe Cates.
She was just on the program not too long ago.
She's married to Robert Klein.
Robert Klein.
TV funny man, Robert Klein.
Hello?
Hello?
Not there quite yet.
She'll be here in a second.
Hello?
Oh, hi.
Hi, Phoebe.
Is this you?
Yes.
Hi.
This is Dave Letterman.
Do you remember me?
Oh, hi.
Yeah.
How are you doing?
Good, good.
You sound like you're a little bit out of breath.
Yeah, we're working on a big stage.
I had to come kind of far.
Uh-huh.
And what is the movie, like Gremlins 2?
What is that about?
Um, well, it's sort of a surprise.
It's kind of a surprise.
Now, these gremlins, are they like mice?
Are they like monkeys?
Are they, uh, what exactly are they?
Well, you saw the first one, didn't you?
Oh, several times.
They look pretty similar.
Yeah.
And, uh, how's the weather out there in California?
It's nice.
It's actually very sunny today.
Yeah.
Well, how was your weekend?
Uh, it was pretty good.
That was yours.
Oh, pretty good.
What'd you do?
What did I do?
I went to La Jolla.
Oh, La Jolla's beautiful.
Yeah, it was very pretty.
Yeah, you just drove down for the day, or did you spend the weekend there?
For the weekend to see some plays.
Yeah, yeah.
And how's your husband there?
Uh, he's good.
Yeah.
And it is, it's Robert Klein?
Uh, no, Kevin.
Kevin Klein.
Yeah.
Well, you know, Phoebe,
whenever, whenever you, uh, would like to be on the show
and you're in the area,
just let us know and we'll put you right on.
We'd love to have you back on the show.
Okay, great.
Okay, nice talking with you, Phoebe.
Thank you, too.
All right, good luck there with your little gremlins thing.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
She's in that, uh,
she's in that new movie called, uh, Shag.
Is that the name of the movie, right?
Shag.
Yeah.
And I talked to somebody who saw it over the weekend
and they say that Phoebe has only one line
and the one line is,
Harley, I can't marry you.
Really?
Apparently the only line she has in the film.
Let me ask you something.
What's that, Paul?
Well, you didn't exactly ask anything about your mother
in that particular call.
I'm sorry, what?
You didn't ask her anything about how to deal with
calling your mother.
Right, I'll call my mother right after the show.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I'll get that call out to mom
just in a couple of minutes.
You know, um, over the weekend...
Blanks.
We've loaded the gun with blanks.
I don't know about that.
They have a new backdrop.
Oh, Jack and Donnie do?
Yeah.
Yeah, I didn't notice that.
Okay, Paul, some dialing music, please.
We're calling the city of Indianapolis, Indiana right now.
Ah, all right.
Look at this new phone, by the way.
Have you ever seen such a lovely phone?
Puts me in the mind of an accordion a little bit
with a keyboard and stuff.
Lovely new phone.
Dialing Indianapolis, Indiana.
Now, you know, I'm from Indianapolis.
Paul and me and some other friends,
we all went to the Indianapolis 500.
Hi, how are you?
Oh, I thought we were getting a cordless phone,
but look, we didn't.
We got the cord.
That would be, I guess,
one advantage of the cordless phone right there.
Hardly ever get a knot in it.
Okay, here we go.
What's the number?
Where...
What the hell am I doing?
Here's the number right there.
Okay.
Here we go.
That's beautiful, Paul.
What is that?
Oh, I mis-dialed.
So far, it's been a perfect show, hasn't it?
Okay, here we go.
Here we are.
Calling my mother.
And she's going to tell us
the top ten things in her refrigerator.
With any luck at all.
My mother, Dorothy, Paul.
Back there in Indianapolis.
Thanks, Paul.
I don't think we need to be
any drowsier in here now.
Hello?
Hi, David.
Hi, hi, Mom.
How are you?
I'm fine.
How are you?
Good.
How's the weather there in Indianapolis?
It's like 66 degrees, partly cloudy.
Uh-huh.
And is it a lovely summertime afternoon?
No.
Uh-huh.
Has it been warmer than it is now?
It has been, yes.
Have you had much rain?
Not right here, but we have had.
You read about the tornadoes
that hit the state?
Yes, I did, Mom.
You mean the killer tornadoes?
Yes.
Well, fine, and thanks
for bringing those up.
Uh, listen, I tell you
why we're calling today, Mom.
Mom reminding us
about the tragedy in Indiana.
Uh, Mom, are you in the kitchen?
Yes.
Oh, great.
Now, is your refrigerator right there?
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Uh, swing the old refrigerator
right open there, Mom.
Can you do that?
Yes.
All right, and is it just
packed full of stuff?
Well, sort of, yes.
Okay.
All right, now what we're gonna do,
we want you now to tell us
the top ten things
right there in your refrigerator.
You pull them off
one at a time
and then scream out
what it is
and we'll put them up
here on the screen, okay?
Okay.
You understand what we're doing?
Well, vaguely.
Uh-huh.
Well, that's certainly
good enough tonight, Mom.
Okay.
Uh, so now, listen,
do you need any gloves
or anything to protect
your hands from
the icy cold objects?
Not in the refrigerator.
Okay.
It's my mom.
I'll bet you
everything I own,
there's some kind of berries
in this.
Well, just when we get
some kind of berries,
some container of berries.
Okay.
Okay, Mom, are you set?
I'm set.
Okay, swing the old
door right open there.
Okay.
Okay, are you ready?
I'm ready.
Okay, here we go, Anton.
Here we go.
Number 10.
Uh, half gallon of milk.
Half gallon of milk.
Number nine.
Gallon jug of iced tea.
Iced tea.
You get liquor in there, Mom?
No.
Number eight.
Orange juice.
Orange juice.
Number seven.
Perrier.
Boy, you people
have a powerful thirst,
don't you?
Number six.
Um, margarine.
Margarine.
Number five.
Lettuce.
Lettuce.
Number four.
Watermelon.
Watermelon.
Number three.
Cheese.
Cheese.
Number two.
Bacon.
Bacon.
And the number one thing
my mom has in her, uh,
refrigerator today.
Mushrooms.
What is it, Mom?
Mushrooms.
Mushrooms.
Oh, man alive!
What a show tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
We have to do a commercial.
We'll be right back here with Gary Busey.
That was my mom, Paul.
We'll be right back here with Gary Busey.
But did you see any of the big summer blockbusters?
No, I didn't over the weekend.
Did you catch any?
Well, I went to see Dick Tracy.
Have you seen the Dick Tracy movie, boys and girls?
Yeah.
Now, did you enjoy the Dick Tracy movie?
Was, did, I mean, when you, you spent like seven bucks to get in, right?
Now, was it packed when you saw the movie?
Uh-huh.
Not packed?
Yeah.
Did you enjoy it for the seven dollars?
No.
Okay.
Now, I went to see it on, like, a Saturday afternoon, and it was packed.
They're doing