Name: Camera Night on Letterman, March 1, 1988
Uploaded: 2017-04-27T02:38:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Camera Night on Letterman, March 1, 1988' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Camera Night on Letterman, March 1, 1988' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-27. Transcript available.

Camera Night on Letterman, March 1, 1988

From New York, send in those restaurant check stubs.
I'm doing my taxes, and I still need another thousand bucks worth of deductions.
It's Late Night with David Letterman.
Tonight, Tom Brokaw and singer Belinda Carlisle.
Also, Paul Schaefer in the world's most dangerous band.
Plus, tonight is camera night.
One day, all shows will look like this.
And now, just as the onion is the basic ingredient of cooking,
so is this man the basic ingredient in, oh brother, is this a load of crap?
David Letterman!
David Letterman!
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
I'm a fan of the other one.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much and welcome to our Tuesday night roast beef roundup.
I'm sorry for a second there.
I thought I was manager of an Arby's.
Tomorrow night right across the street here in New York City, the Grammy Awards
are being held.
Oh, like you got a chance.
But I think the best thing about the Grammy Awards is there are no Russians or
East Germans eligible to win one of those.
Let me let me explain something to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, because
we want to bring you continually bring you the finest in American commercial
television entertainment.
We've added a few extra cameras to our normal normal battery of video equipment.
Usually on this program, we usually have four cameras and in all honesty, that's
that's probably too much for us anyway.
But tonight we have 13 different video cameras because.
We want to make sure you don't miss a single second of all of the action, all
of the heartfelt drama, all of the emotion, everything that burbles, gurgles,
and bubbles right off your screen into your laps.
Now, Hal, are you in there?
Yes, Dave.
Hal, our director, Hal Grooney, will now demonstrate this.
Jimmy, Dave.
Yes, Hal.
Never mind.
Hal, Hal will now demonstrate to you this amazing video display.
Anton, are you ready?
Here we go.
Camera number one is number one.
Camera number two.
Camera number three.
Camera number three.
Camera number four.
Number five.
Black and white.
Camera number six.
Number seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
Eleven.
Oh, that's.
Twelve.
And finally, ladies and gentlemen, number 13.
Yeah!
Thank you very much.
This is nice.
We have one here mounted on a stick.
We got this idea from the Japanese, and they're light years ahead of us in this
kind of thing.
You know what this looks like when the Fox network, bless their hearts, when
they finally fold up and go out of business.
They'll have a sale that'll look a little something like this.
Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to our good friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer.
Paul's right over there.
Thank you very, very, very, very much.
Thank you.
Which is my camera?
Excuse me.
Is that my camera over there?
That's it?
We have 13 cameras.
Which is, which was my camera again?
Oh, my God.
Was that it there, Dan?
Yeah.
I don't know where it is.
I don't know.
Hi.
Boy, it's exciting in here today.
You know, tonight, we are...
We are the, tonight, tonight, we are the third largest employer in the United
States.
The first would be the government, and then, of course, I guess it would be GM,
and then
maybe Lockheed, McDonnell Douglas, and our show tonight.
And then us.
This is wonderful.
Oh, it's great.
What the hell is that?
So, did you have a nice weekend, Paul?
I had a so-so weekend.
How was your weekend?
I had a horrible weekend, and I'm going to tell you why.
Yeah.
Why?
Well, all right.
What if we have to get out of here in a hurry?
How...
Yeah, I had people come up, friends, staff members came up Saturday night to
watch the Olympics
with me.
Nice.
Sounds good so far.
Oh, so far, it should have been great.
Sounds like a lovely plan for a Saturday evening.
That's right.
Jude Brennan, the lovely and talented associate producer.
Wherever she goes, happiness follows.
Exactly.
And my assistant, Lori Diamond.
Fabulous gal.
That's right.
They were coming...
Should have been a marvelous evening.
Coming up to my house to watch the Olympics.
Yeah.
We were going to have pizza and a lovely salad.
Perfect.
You know, I think as Americans, aren't we eating more salads these days?
So, what could go wrong with an evening like that?
All right, all right, okay.
So, in the middle of all of this, we're watching the Olympics, and we're eating
our pizza
and eating our salad.
I decided...
You know the thing that holds the logs in the fireplace?
Yeah.
What's that called?
I don't know what you call it, but it's a thing.
It's like a...
It's not and irons, but it's the same principle.
It's like a cast iron basket.
Fire log holder.
A fire log holder.
Hal?
Hal?
Hal?
Hal, can we get a shot of the guy in the audience?
Yeah!
Hal!
Okay.
Don't hurt anyone.
I'm glad you're making such good use of the cameras, though.
Thirteen.
Thirteen.
Okay.
Don't hurt anyone.
I'm glad you're making such good use of the cameras, though.
Thirteen.
I'm glad you're making such good use of the cameras, though.
Thirteen.
Now, if they're doing a baseball game, they use four, I'm sorry, five cameras
to do a baseball
game.
I'm sorry for tonight.
World Series baseball, they go up to ten stationary cameras and two handheld
cameras.
That's still...
We still have one more camera than would be covering the World Series.
The World Series.
Super Bowl game, eighteen cameras, and five handheld.
So that's 23.
So they have ten more than we would have here.
Ski jumps, four to six, so on and so forth.
Macy's Parade.
Macy's Parade is not on here, Will, but thank you very much.
So anyway, in the middle of the lovely evening, I decided that I needed to
change the fire
log holder because the logs were tumbling out of it, and I couldn't stand the
rest of
the night having to scoop logs up and put them back in.
So I took a...
You have an extra one, then.
Yeah, I have a spare in the garage.
I see.
Don't you?
So I took away the screen, ran out, got the spare fire log holder that is
deeper,
actually, and can hold more flaming logs.
I pulled out, I put on my fireproof gloves, and please don't try this at home.
I put on my fireproof gloves, and I pull out the one containing the flaming
logs.
And then, one at a time, I pick up the burning logs in my hands.
All right, James!
See?
And then I put them into the other fire log holder.
Now, instead of the fire being in the fireplace, it's now on my living room rug.
Just, I've got a fire right there, just like inches from the pizza.
I feel like I'm being followed.
So now the house, of course, is filling up with smoke.
And this whole procedure takes about 20 minutes.
Just about half as long as it takes to tell the story.
To tell it.
Yeah.
And so finally, after doing nothing to assist me, nothing whatsoever,
Jude Brennan puts down a slice of pizza and says,
"What are you doing?"
So it wasn't a great weekend then.
No.
See, I couldn't have told that story with just four cameras.
No.
Thirteen cameras.
Let's do it.
We have here, what are these?
These are dumb ads.
Actual advertisements from actual periodicals that our staff has poured over
for the last couple of weeks.
And we found them rather amusing.
Heck, we'd like to share them with you now.
Oh, and by the way, if you think Tonight Show is great, tomorrow night, this
one I'm really excited about.
From St. Louis.
Coverage.
Thanks, Hal.
Coverage.
Tomorrow night, from St. Louis, via satellite, on your screen, in full color,
pictures of baggage.
From the St. Louis airport.
Is one of these cameras in black and white, Hal, is that the deal?
Or do I need a checkup?
Anton says it's black and white.
It's black and white.
That shouldn't be in black and white, should it?
Well, they did, yeah.
They put it in black and white.
Oh, they thought it would be more amusing to have it in black and white?
Ha, ha, ha.
I've got to start coming to the meetings.
All right.
Have we done the top ten list?
No.
Should we do it now?
Tonight's category from the home office in Lincoln, Nebraska,
top ten unpleasant things to hear on an elevator.
I am so fed up with riding elevators in this building.
Top ten unpleasant things to hear on an elevator.
God, every move they make is a fire drill here.
Here we go, number ten.
Does this look infected to you?
Number nine.
You know these pants are reversible.
Number eight.
Hold the door, Willard is coming.
Number seven.
The acoustics in this elevator are perfect for yodeling.
Number six.
Sorry about my finger, I was aiming for a button.
Number five.
Would you do a number for us, Miss Channing?
Number four.
Number four.
We're both going to the 14th floor.
How about a hug?
Number three.
I'm not just a Jehovah's Witness.
I also sell insurance.
Number two.
Does this smell like root beer to you?
And number one.
Just ignore Duke.
We're going to have him fixed soon.
We've lost our lease.
Everything must go.
How much are one of these cameras worth?
What are these?
The TK-47s?
How much are they worth?
Is it on here?
Do we know how much they cost?
We don't know.
$90,000.
$90,000 a camera, Hal?
It's costing us in equipment $15,000, I guess, for the usage of the program.
$13,000 in extra manpower.
Manpower.
And the whole thing tonight is costing us about $30,000.
And as always, ladies and gentlemen, we pass the savings on to you.
Let's do our dumb ads.
This is nothing like small town news, by the way.
It's a whole different concept.
Paul?
Hey, those crazy ads.
Very nice.
Thank you very much.
Very nice, Paul.
Those cuckoo ads.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Hal, I'm getting vertigo.
Hold on to the desk.
Hal, I'm getting vertigo.
Okay.
Okay.
The green apartments, this ad tells us.
Apartments from $190 a month.
Jogging trails.
Barbecue grills.
And ducks.
You know, I don't care if the kids have to be on the school bus an extra hour.
This place has ducks.
What are you doing?
Thank you very much.
Yeah, our associate producer.
We're smoked out of the house.
Franco-American SpaghettiOs and Lifesavers.
$150,000 education sweepstakes.
Well, no, it's not exactly a Rhodes Scholar.
No, it's not quite like the Fulbright Grand.
No, I'm actually here on the SpaghettiOs Scholarship.
Here's one I know you're going to love.
It's the Shove It Hairstyler.
You might also want to try their Bite Me Blow Dryer.
Valley of the Dolls.
14 hours continuous entertainment.
Almost nude dancers and homemade chili.
Almost nude dancers and homemade chili on the next Donahue.
Why couldn't they just have totally nude dancers and serve canned chili?
Home yard and car repair.
Political research in Westchester.
22 years.
Rex Frankel.
Okay, Rex.
Clean up the vacant lot.
Mulch the shrubs.
Jason, can you find out how the blue-collar voter feels about farm subsidies?
Number six.
Bob Thomas announces, as we see clearly in the ad,
Bob Thomas announces,
Don Murphy, formerly General Manager Bob Thomas Ford Incorporated,
has been appointed to the position of General Manager Bob Thomas Ford Incorporated.
Bob Thomas Dodge.
Oh, that's very nice to hear.
Dave?
Excuse me, Dave.
Yes, Anton.
I want to see if I understand this correctly.
Yeah.
It's Bob Thomas who's announcing that Don Murphy is the new General Manager of
Rob Thomas Ford.
Right.
But wasn't he formerly the manager of Bob Thomas Ford?
Well, Anton, the announcement might come from Bob Thomas Dodge,
but it's Bob Thomas that Don Murphy has been appointed General Manager of.
Yeah, but Don Murphy was formerly the General Manager of Bob Thomas Ford.
Is he now the General Manager of Bob Thomas Ford or Bob Thomas Dodge?
Well, let's see.
He's the manager of Bob Thomas Ford,
though according to this announcement,
the position he held formerly was General Manager at Bob Thomas Ford.
It might be that Bo