Name: New Practical Jokes on Letterman, April 20, 1982
Uploaded: 2017-05-06T19:12:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'New Practical Jokes on Letterman, April 20, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'New Practical Jokes on Letterman, April 20, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-06. Transcript available.

We've done this from time to time, a limited perspective.
Tonight we have dermatologist Dr. Jim Burrell
reviewing for us the motion picture, Quest for Fire.
That's right.
And this is the kind of thing that's going to make those folks in Philadelphia
eat their hearts out.
We have three chefs from mainland China
and they're going to be here tonight to demonstrate food carving.
That's right. Also, what else are we doing? A lot of stuff?
Oh, yeah. All kinds of other fun stuff.
What's the date today, Paul?
April 20th.
April 20th. That, of course, is Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
Nice to see you.
Paul, of course, has the new one-size-fits-all sunglasses.
Those are nice.
Thanks, Sam.
Thanks a lot.
You know, for decades,
the same practical jokes have been displayed in our nation's novelty shops.
Some, like the dribble glass, of course, have been around since the days of the
early pioneers.
But now, a new gag manufacturer has appeared on the scene,
not a minute too soon,
with a line of updated practical jokes based on the old favorites.
Tonight, we have some of them for you.
First of all, this one is even more disgusting than the ancient fly in the ice
cube trick.
Yes, now, each new drink will contain a different foot care product.
There you have the corn pads in the ice cube trick.
New practical joke item number one.
Well, the old bag of laughs just doesn't make it anymore.
Yes, for fans of irreverent late-night comedy, now it's the bag of sarcasm.
Yeah, right.
Watch what happens when you turn it on.
That's hilarious.
You're hysterical.
Hey, nice haircut.
Boy, you just can't beat those bargain shoes, can you?
Boy, I could listen to you all day.
Yeah, right.
You're hilarious.
Real funny.
There you go.
There's that.
Now, of course, we all know that there's no better way to liven up a doll party
than with a Groucho nose and glasses.
But you're asking yourselves,
what about guys like Gene Shalop, who already look like this?
Shouldn't they be able to wear a disguise, too?
Well, these folks have come up with one of these.
There you go.
Now you can...
See, if you already look like that, you can just...
Well, they can have fun, too.
Maybe Philadelphia's got the right idea.
Now, you know, sadly enough,
young people today sometimes get involved in drug deals,
and when a lot of money is involved,
the atmosphere can get pretty tense.
This new gag instantly turns the tension into hysterical laughter.
It's the squirting bag of dope.
Yeah, but just take that down to Times Square,
and when you get close...
Yee-hee!
Squirting bag of dope.
Now, this one's really dumb.
Oh, this is my favorite, by the way.
It's the giant, phony doorknob.
The oversized jumbo knob...
Oversized jumbo knob
is much larger than it should be.
In fact,
it's just plain big.
You just put this on your door, see?
You yell,
Come on in.
It's just plain big, all right?
Giant, giant doorknob,
and this is made of pewter,
so it won't wear out as fast as the other giant doorknobs.
See, you'd never go through one of these things in a light year.
No one offers anyone...
Oh, this is exciting.
This is really nice.
Quite a little update.
No one offers anyone a can of peanut brittle anymore.
Instead, in today's trendy homes,
you'll be seeing the surprise fondue pot
filled with bubbling cheese and...
The unbelievable mess just adds to the merriment.
Now...
This is exciting.
Here's an old joke with a modern twist
from the folks who brought you rubber vomit,
the fake chemical waste spill.
Here it is.
Write that.
That's what you get.
Just find yourself an overturned container
canister like this.
There you go.
Your victim won't know if he's weak from laughter
or chromosome damage.
Oh, and finally,
for the family wise guy,
our last new novelty item...
The ultimate last laugh...
Yes, it's the whoopee casket.
Playing the part of the deceased
is staff member Chris Elliott.
Chris, hop in, if you will.
The whoopee casket, ladies and gentlemen.
I think we get the idea.
Are you going to close that now?
There you go.
New novelty items.
We'll be back with Graham Chapman from Monty Python.
And dermatologist Dr. Patrick...
Thank you.