Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, September 27, 1984
Uploaded: 2017-05-08T16:36:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, September 27, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, September 27, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-08. Transcript available.

Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Those autumn leaves.
Yeah.
They groove by my window.
Casey, cuckoo, kind of nutty kind of leaves.
It's autumn, David.
It's fall.
You don't like the autumn, do you?
It depresses me terribly.
Yeah.
Winter's coming.
And, of course, where I come from.
Thunder Bay.
Thunder Bay, northern Ontario.
Yeah.
It's real depressing because, you know, you're in for 20, 30 degrees below
weather.
Yeah.
And what is the earliest spring you would get up there in Thunder Bay?
It's, well, May.
May is spring.
Well, May, that's not bad.
Well, they call it spring, but it's like, you know.
Is it cold for a spring?
Yeah.
Still can be around 10, 10 degrees, you know.
So this is why the fall.
What are you going to do this weekend?
What am I going to do this weekend?
Yeah.
I got a little rehearsal with the Brigatti brothers.
Oh.
I'm going to be playing with the-
Who are the Brigatti brothers?
Well, Eddie Brigatti was in The Rascals.
Uh-huh.
Young Rascals.
Yeah.
David, his brother, was in a group called Joey D and the Starlighters.
Yeah.
A little thing called Peppermint Twist.
Those cats are going to be playing a little gig.
I'm going to be working with them.
Kind of excited about that.
Wow.
And just, you know, trying to stay warm in the autumn.
That's all.
Well, it's like 65, Paul.
Freezing out there.
It's freezing.
Freezing cold out there.
I have a big weekend ahead myself.
What will you be doing?
Thanks for asking, by the way.
What's coming up for you, David?
Oh, nothing, though.
I'll be home watching kickboxing from the Philippines on cable.
Uh, okay.
Take care of this.
This is our Phil Donahue countdown calendar.
Phil is coming to New York, and today we get to cross off another day.
There you go.
He must just be sick of this by now.
They did it again last night, Marla.
My God.
Uh, okay.
They're crossing my...
I don't know.
It's a calendar.
Every day they cross one off.
Is the caller there?
Yes, Phil.
The caller's there.
It's viewer mail night tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's get right to it.
Letter number one begins, "Dear Dave, have you ever interviewed a head of
lettuce on your
show?
Sincerely."
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry.
We do not answer anonymous mail.
Okay?
"Dear Dave, I need the viewer mail segment of your show to calibrate the colors
on my new
TV."
Oh, I see what he's done here.
I have made two copies of this letter, so please give me a good close-up of
your copy.
Now, when the colors match, I'll be in for some mighty fine entertainment.
Thanks, Neil Berliner.
Well, sure, Neil.
This is actually a service that we can provide for you here at, uh, at late
night.
So, I'll tell you what.
Just lean in closely.
Uh, maybe you want to dim the lights in the room so you can get a good look at
your color,
uh, swatches there on your letter.
And, and I believe we'll be able to match them up.
There you go.
It just should be no problem at all there, Neil.
Fine entertainment.
Letter number three.
"Dear Dave, did you ever imagine that you would be responsible for reconciling
me with my parents?
My folks became very disgruntled when, out of boredom, I started to frequent
bars.
Watching Late Night with David Letterman has provided me, though, with the
entertainment that
no bar could ever attempt to match.
My parents can now sleep soundly knowing that I am safe and satisfied at home,
watching Late Night instead of being in some sleazy bar."
Well, this comes to us from, uh, Ina Kurlandchik.
Uh, Ina, you give me way too much credit.
Uh, I'm, I'm glad that you and your folks are getting along, but I really had...
Oh, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, wait a second.
David Letterman.
Wait a minute.
When?
When are you going to stop hiding your light under a bushel?
That's what I want to know.
You know, when I think of that poor, that girl's poor mother coming to you in
tears...
Oh!
She's in bars every night.
I'm in my midsend.
Yeah.
That, uh, that is one ugly story, but I don't, uh, know what the hell I can do
for you.
Oh, I know.
I know it's selfish of me to ask, but I'm sure she'd stay home nights if only
your show, your show were a little bit better.
Better?
Better?
We're lucky this thing's in color.
What are we going to do to make it better?
Well, Dave, I don't claim to be a network television executive.
What if the show had someone, you know, ordinary yet peculiar?
Maybe someone with absolutely no show business experience.
Someone with no reason whatsoever to be on the show.
Oh, well, you might as well be asking for somebody from the moon.
I think I found your problem.
And you know, I think we found our star.
Oh, thank you, David Letterman.
All right.
God bless you.
We should change tissues.
Do I ever remember that night, Dave?
What a magic, magic night that was around here in 30 Rock, I'll tell you.
I'm excited.
We have a little thespian group sometimes we get together.
Yeah.
Put on these little skits, don't we?
It was gorgeous.
It was very funny, I think.
You thought that was very funny?
Yeah, very nice.
Oh, good.
Thank you very much.
Very lovely.
Well, here we are all the way up to letter number four, I believe.
Can that be possible?
We've done three already and it's time for four?
Okay.
Hey, Dave, letter number four begins.
What gives?
Every time I see a movie, the credits include such titles as Key Grip, Gaffer,
Best Boy,
and Grip.
Do these jobs really exist or are they just names for the executive producer's
family?
If they do exist, please tell me what each does.
Tim Shaughnessy and Mark Russell Boulder, Colorado Well.
Tim and Mark, you know, television credits also contain some odd titles.
So, I tell you what, let's take a look at the full credits for this show and I
think
you'll find a few that, well, might be a little unusual to you, but
nevertheless, well,
there's the executive producer and, of course, our producer, our director, Hal
Gurney, and
Kathleen Anker is the producer's nephew.
That's Brian.
There's the lard foreman, Pete Fadovich, best boy's best friend, Bob Poof.
That's the tar squatter for the fat boys.
Jeff Samaha, defender of the realm, land shift.
Shower buddy, he's very popular.
The foam sergeant.
Pulsing lump nurse, that's Jody Greenberg.
So, it goes on and on.
What was that?
The carpet licker.
The carpet licker.
Yeah, we have one of those.
Comes in after parties.
This letter comes to us from, where is that, Los Alamos?
Oh, you know, that's interesting.
That's where they did all of the research and testing on the atomic bomb.
Um, Los Alamos.
Dear Dave, sorry about the stationary.
It's all I could find.
I just hope it isn't radioactive.
You hope it isn't radioactive?
Ladies and gentlemen, with anything as potentially dangerous as nuclear
radiation,
just crossing your fingers and hoping things go well isn't good enough.
Oh, my God!
Run for your lives!
Wait, wait, don't shoot.
Listen to me.
Don't be afraid of giant stationary.
You're my buddy.
Hey, okay.
You're just lonely guy.
He means no harm.
Goodbye, giant stationary.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Okay, that's it.
That's viewer mail for another week, ladies and gentlemen.
We have a wonderful program for you tonight.
We're going to do a commercial, then we'll be back to begin.
So join us, won't you?
We'll be right back.