Name: The Airport Show on Letterman, October 21, 1988
Uploaded: 2017-05-18T06:16:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Airport Show on Letterman, October 21, 1988' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Airport Show on Letterman, October 21, 1988' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-18. Transcript available.

The Airport Show on Letterman, October 21, 1988

The new Miss America is really...
Not the one from last year, but the new Miss America.
That's the one I missed.
Money in the bank.
Hi, I'm Dave Letterman, and we're here at the host international dining room
at the International Arrivals Building at Kennedy International Airport.
And, by the way, I think if I say the word international one more time,
I get some kind of a trophy.
Here's the deal.
A couple of months ago, we thought it would be fun to do our show on a Friday
before a vacation from the airport.
And then right after the show, I would get on a plane
and go off on some wildly romantic, exotic vacation.
But it turned out that my travel plans fell through.
And when they fell through, it was really too late to cancel the airport
and the crew and so on and so forth.
So we're stuck doing the show here at the airport,
and we have really no reason to be here.
I can tell you that Kennedy Airport was named for the actor George Kennedy
for all the fine work he did in the movies Airport and Airport 77.
So I hope you'd join us for tonight's show.
I'm sorry.
What the hell are you doing?
You fill it up and then you drink it?
Is that what happened?
You know, even when I don't fly, I get a little nervous.
Thank you very much.
From the International Arrivals Building at John F. Kennedy Airport,
a much nicer place than the International Arrivals Building
at Dan Quayle Airport.
It's late night with David Letterman.
Tonight, Pat Sajak, people with large vegetables,
and musician Rodney Crowell,
plus Paul Schaefer and the world's most dangerous band.
And now, a man who will actually be broadcasting tonight
at the speed of sound,
David Letterman!
Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, so far, it looks like almost any talk show I've ever seen in Chicago.
For some reason, it looks like a Chicago talk show.
We're at the airport tonight, and we don't really need to be here,
but we're having plenty of fun so far.
This was kind of ugly, Paul.
Did you see this earlier?
Security jumped a passenger and wrestled him to the ground
and took him away.
He's been arrested.
It's unfortunate.
He apparently had tried to pre-board a flight attendant.
Ah!
And look, if you look out back here,
this is actually an active jetway back there.
These are international flights coming in from all over the globe.
Is that right, Paul?
Absolutely.
All over the globe.
And off in the distance, there's a plane landing over there in the distance.
And on the other side of that,
can you see the control tower?
That's pretty interesting over there.
Wait a minute.
That's odd.
You see that, Paul?
It looks like it's a couple of guys slow dancing up there.
You kids get away from there!
This is just an example of the kind of fun you'll be having
for the next 60 minutes here on the show.
So actually, an active restaurant,
an active jetway and an active restaurant.
Paul, did you see the World Series last night?
Yeah, I saw the end of it, yeah.
The Dodgers, of course, won,
and I enjoyed the series a great deal.
Let me ask you this.
Did you notice this?
At the very end, it's Vin Scully and Joe Garagiola,
and they're wrapping things up.
And they're very close.
Their heads are very close together.
And just before they rolled the credits,
it looked to me like Vin reached over
and kissed Joe on the forehead.
Did you notice that?
I, uh, it looked something like that to me.
I was afraid.
I blocked it out, though.
I didn't want to think about it, too.
You were.
You were actually frightened.
I was frightened by that moment.
Every talk show I've ever seen in Chicago.
That's right.
Let's try this.
Hysterical.
It's Friday night.
Anything we ought to discuss
before we leap into our viewer mail?
I have a stack here of airplane jokes,
if you want to hear any more.
Yeah, well, you may need them.
Uh, you know what I found out?
If you're a frequent flyer,
most airlines will let you come out
and sleep in an empty plane overnight.
Save that one.
It's a little like playing Canasta here tonight, isn't it?
Yeah.
Uh, well, what a week.
No, we don't want to do that one either.
I'll discard that one.
I have one right here.
Interesting statistic.
Every 12 minutes,
a passenger on a commercial aircraft
says to a flight attendant,
you call this crap coffee?
I may be doing a talk show in Chicago.
Just by watching this show,
you actually are entitled
to 500 frequent flyer miles.
I've just about got gin here, Paul.
We'll come back to this.
We have a giant stack of airport jokes right here.
Uh, and it's also, uh,
do a top ten.
We have a wonderful program.
Do we know who's on the show tonight?
Pat Sajak is here.
Absolutely.
That's interesting.
The restaurant loves it.
They're being held by immigration officials.
It's not actually an audience.
They were just detained downstairs
coming through customs,
and here they are.
Uh, it's interesting.
Uh, Pat, of course,
is the host of Wheel of Fortune,
and in January,
he'll have his own talk show.
And then we'll get to laugh
at his foolish attempts like this.
And we'll see how well Pat can do.
Not a minute too soon.
Who else?
Who else we got?
Oh, uh, also,
people with giant vegetables.
That's good.
On the program.
And, uh, Rodney Crowell with the band.
Paul Schaefer in the band.
Absolutely.
So that'll be, uh,
coming up on the program tonight.
Let's do our, uh,
top ten list.
We're from an actual airport,
ladies and gentlemen.
Kennedy,
the international arrivals building here.
And behind me,
we have a, uh,
Swiss Air.
Swiss Air, uh, 747.
It'll be taking off soon.
You want to know where that's going, Paul?
Yeah.
I have that data right here.
Yeah.
Uh, it's a gate 25.
Uh, it's a 747,
and, uh,
it'll be leaving for Zurich.
What time?
Uh, six o'clock.
You'll be leaving for Zurich.
Oh, so.
You could run down there and try.
Yeah.
All right.
Oh, God.
You know,
I could have taken over my dad's business.
Here we go.
From the, uh,
home office in, uh,
Lincoln, Nebraska.
Top ten reasons we're here.
Top ten reasons we're here.
Number ten.
We just like the smell of jet fuel.
Number nine.
Had a sudden craving for a $9 cup of coffee.
Uh, number eight.
I'm thinking of buying Lufthansa.
Yeah, they have some Lufthansa planes out there.
Oh, look, Paul.
There's a DC-10 arriving over there.
Oh.
Uh, number seven.
To disorient and frighten, uh,
foreign visitors.
Uh, number six.
Lady with giant squash insisted on it.
Uh, number five.
Plan to make a mint driving Japanese tourists
from here back to city.
Number four.
To screw up air traffic control
with our television signal.
Number three.
If we don't, the Russians will.
Uh, number two.
Hoping to catch a glimpse of the Miami sound machine
when they get off the plane.
And number one.
If you need a reason to do something pointless,
then damn it, this isn't the America I know and love.
Thank you, Paul.
Oh, this is fun.
And we can, uh, we can tell you that this plane pulling in here,
this, uh, Scandinavian, uh, DC-10,
uh, where do you think that's coming from, Paul?
Probably somewhere in Scandinavia.
Oslo.
Oslo.
Oslo, Sweden.
Just arriving from Oslo.
And I can also tell you this,
they're a little bit late.
Ah.
Yeah, they're a little bit late,
but there they are.
Well, that's a handsome-looking aircraft, isn't it?
Beautiful.
Now what do we do?
Oh, look at all this paperwork.
Why don't we just break for lunch
and come back in a couple of minutes?
Hi, how are you?
Uh, viewer mail.
These are actual letters, of course,
ladies and gentlemen,
from, uh, actual viewers.
And every Friday, uh,
we take a few minutes to answer them.
And because, of course,
we care, uh, about you, the home viewer.
I know it'd be tough to prove by this show,
but we do.
Letter number one.
Thanks, Ed.
Dear Dave,
I think the crew is frightened.
Don't you get a sense of real trepidation
on their part?
Well, there, there is an exciting, uh, air
in the air.
I'm not sure exciting is the word
I would have selected.
What would you say?
Mm, just dread.
Ah.
Dread, tinged with embarrassment,
and people wondering now,
how are we getting back to the city?
There's a gal over there.
Look, there's a gal over there
embarrassed.
She's blushing.
It's all right.
She's embarrassed for us, I think.
Uh, dear Dave,
letter number one begins,
as a shareholder of General Electric,
I figure I own part of you.
Which part is it?
Cordially, Sean Alberts,
Blacksburg, Virginia.
Well, uh, that depends, Sean.
Are you a really, really big shareholder?
Folks from Oslo certainly enjoyed that.
Geez, we could, we could have knocked
small planes out of the air with this thing.
Is that all the time we have?
Yeah.
Uh, letter number two.
Dear Dave, last Friday,
this is a rather lengthy missive,
I received an envelope from NBC
containing two tickets
to your October 11th show.
I put the tickets in the breast pocket
of my shirt and began making plans
to be in New York on the 11th.
In all of the excitement,
I forgot that the tickets
were in the shirt pocket
and well, to make a long story short,
too late for that now.
Uh, the next day,
I found tiny pieces of wet gray paper
lining the inside of my washing machine.
I was wondering if you could use
your pool at the station
to get me two tickets
to an upcoming show
sometime in the near future.
Your loyal fan, Barbara J. Sander,
uh, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
It's a very nice letter, isn't it, Paul?
Uh, you know, Barbara,
we were actually all quite touched,
uh, by your letter.
And so not only are we going to send you
two more tickets to the show,
we have them right here,
uh, we're also going to send you
two tickets to the, uh,
hit Broadway play,
Phantom of the Opera.
We have those tickets right there.
Uh, but that's not all.
Uh, we're also going to send along,
did you see those?
Like it'll help the joke.
There you go.
Uh, we're also going to send along
this official late-night baseball jacket.
And, uh, you're in real luck.
It's been autographed by Paul,
uh, and myself.
And I hope these things,
uh, help you feel better
about, uh, turning those tickets
we sent you into pulp.
Uh, Al, do me a favor
and just mail this stuff off
to, uh, Barbara.
I think the address is
on the bottom of the letter there.
Just send these off to her,
if you will.
Al?
Uh, gee, I'm sorry, Dave.
Uh-huh.
I thought you were done with this.
Uh-huh.
I had to clean up this coffee
that went down here.
I see, I see.
So the whole thing
was forgot then, eh?
Well, it's, uh...
Yeah.
All right.
This is...
You're not mad?
No, I'm not mad.
Why don't you get a plane?
Now I know how Uncle Floyd feels.
I knew this reminded me
of something.
Yeah, yeah, sad but true.
It is, it's the Uncle Floyd show.
Uh, where were we?
Letter number...
Letter number which?
Three.
Three.
Uh, three?
Really?
We're only up to three?
Uh, dear Dave,
I have been perplexed
with this question
for some time now.
If you were to reduce
a photograph down
to a dot on a Xerox machine
and then enlarge it
back up to its original size,
would it be the same
as when you started?
A concerned fan,
David Archer,
University of Arkansas.
You know,
we too have been perplexed
by the same question,
so earlier today
we gave it a try.
The results were startling.
Let me show you
what we found out.
First of all,
here, uh,
this is the series
of photographs we used.
There they are,
normal size.
Uh, and then, uh,
we reduced them down
to, uh, a smaller size.
Uh, and then from that
we took them all the way
down to a much smaller size.
Those are,
those are just the dots.
That's as small
as we could get them.
Then we started
to blow them up again.
And here we are,
a little bit bigger.
Now this is the
coming up procedure.
This is the other side of it.
And then finally,
when they were back
to full size,
look what happened.
We were stunned.
It's a remarkable phenomenon.
We don't know why
or how it happens.
We only know
not to do it
ever again.
That could apply
to many things tonight.
Oh, look, somebody's climbing out.
Oh, this is exciting.
There you go.
What is that, Paul?
Is that a, it's a delta?
7.67.
There they go.
I know.
We though