Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, September 9, 1988
Uploaded: 2017-05-21T00:45:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, September 9, 1988' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-21. Transcript available. By request from the writer of Letter #5.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, September 9, 1988' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-21. Transcript available. By request from the writer of Letter #5.

It's our good friend Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Well, David, thank you.
Let me introduce them officially because we are preparing to get down into a Zydeco
sort of groove this evening.
Paul, just for a second, explain Zydeco to us.
Oh, well, we have an expert in Zydeco here.
Maybe he should explain.
I wouldn't even attempt to explain.
You're talking about Jerry Vale?
No.
Zydeco is a frame of mind, really.
It's something in us all, wouldn't you say, Stanley?
It's French for what?
Beans?
Yeah, a green bean.
A certain type of green bean.
A snappy green bean.
What do you think about that?
That's a fascinating chat, and I wish we had more time, but...
Listen, let me get the...
Time to play our game now, huh?
Let me do the introduction.
On my far left on guitar, Melvin Visay.
On the washboard, Patrick Landry.
And on accordion, Stanley Buckwheat Doral.
Buckwheat Zydeco, ladies and gentlemen.
We're glad to have him here.
You know, if you were with us last evening, Hal Gurney prepared as one of his
little network
time killers.
He had kind of a light show.
Remember that last night, Paul?
Yeah, it was interesting.
Yeah, and they had some difficulty with the equipment.
Hal, is everything back to normal in the control room tonight?
Dave.
Yes, Hal?
We're having trouble turning it off.
Uh-huh.
How much longer do you think you can hold out there?
Well, we got the weekend to work on it, and I think we'll have it figured out
by then.
Have you tried calling Con Ed?
No, they're not going to help us, Dave.
Okay, well...
Have you ever called Con Ed?
All right.
Hal, is that a problem to work under those conditions?
I'm getting used to it.
Okay.
I can't see you, but I'm used to it.
All right.
Good luck, Hal.
Take two.
And tonight is the final night that Jerry Vale has been greeting our guests in
the green
room, which is where the people congregate before they come out and visit with
us on the
program.
And can we see Jerry saying hello to the folks there?
There he is, greeting the guests and saying hello to the folks, making them
feel at home.
Thank you so very much.
Thank you.
Oh, there's Andrea Martin there.
There's a big problem right over there in the city.
Something problem with the what?
Oh, my gosh.
Look at that, Paul.
Standing water in the sink.
Get that taken care of immediately.
Well, that's all.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Something from the commissary.
How would that get in there?
I don't know.
Who knows how that would get in there?
It's Friday night.
That means one thing and one thing only.
It's time for our viewer mail.
Let me remind you folks of one thing.
These are actual letters.
Actual letters from actual viewers.
And seriously, if they weren't, would I be able to do this?
Letter number one.
Number one.
Letter number one.
Mr. Letterman, I understand your reluctance in demonstrating goofy gadgets that
your guests may bring on the program.
When you have a situation where you might look like a dork, just call me.
I would have loved trying that gyro gadget on August 24th's show, a helping
hand, Harry R. Gibleyu II, Tacoma, Washington.
I don't really have a joke here.
I just like saying Harry R. Gibleyu II.
Harry R. Gibleyu II.
I don't blame you.
This shredded asbestos is so nice for parties, isn't it?
Letter number two.
Letter number two.
Dear Mr. Letterman, my name is Mike Adams.
I think you're one of the funniest men on television.
I watch your show all the time.
I think it's great the way you make fun of people all the time.
Keep up the great work.
Sincerely, Mike Adams, Fayetteville, North Carolina.
Hmm.
Gee, I know he meant it as a compliment.
But, boy, I hate to think that all I do is make fun of people.
Well, I guess that's all I am.
A big jerk.
Oh, Dave.
Dave, come on.
I'm sorry, but I can't stand to hear this.
Why, just last night on the show, you were part of so many wonderful, wonderful
things.
It was, it was just last night.
Get out of my tracks.
So, you see, you do a lot of nice things.
Oh, thank you, Paul, for pointing that out.
Why, just by doing this letter here today, you got some work for those actresses
who played the nuts.
That's right, that's right.
Thank you, Paul.
It's interesting, by the way, that you knew exactly what I was thinking.
Well, we've known each other a long time ago.
Yes, we have.
Letter number three.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave, we've noticed when your jokes bomb, you roll your tongue over your
teeth as if you have a chunk of food stuck in there.
Why do you do that?
Just curious.
Kathleen Marshall and Jane Matera, New Haven, Connecticut.
Well, Kathleen and Jane, I guess to be honest, it's either kind of some sort of
little nervous reaction,
or maybe I do have a chunk of food stuck in there.
Who knows?
But what I really wanted to mention was your stationery looks absolutely
beautiful with those little butterflies on there.
Now, did you, did you, oh my God, what the hell is this?
Oh, look out!
Run for your lives!
That's too bad.
It started out to be a harmless little joke, and we inadvertently set fire to a
refinery.
Letter number four.
Dear Mr. Letterman, on December 2nd, 1988, two very dear friends are to become
one.
Two very dear friends are to become one in marriage.
On this special day, I would like to offer them a gift filled with advice on
how to make their many years together as a couple the happiest they can be.
The couple's names are Mary Jane Rowe and David James Kalina.
They are to be married in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Thank you for sharing in this unique gift of love.
Sincerely, Colleen, Mary Kavanaugh, Houston, Texas.
Well, Colleen, gosh, of course, I'd be happy to.
I realize that marriage is a very big step, and any advice that I could offer
at well,
I would jump at the opportunity if I thought that it was going to mean a long,
meaningful, happy life.
David?
What?
What was that girl's name?
Mary Jane, where is it?
I can't even...
Yeah, Mary Jane Rowe.
And she's marrying David James Kalina in Minnesota.
Well, maybe I should give a little advice at this point to her future husband.
Dump, dump this chick.
I dated Mary Jane Rowe for six years.
Huh?
Six miserable years.
She is a vicious liar.
She totally stripped me of my dignity, and you think she's bad.
Her family is awful.
They treated me like dirt.
Her house smells horrible.
It's like mothballs and bad meat or something.
One time I caught her stepfather going through my wallet.
It was terrible.
Oh, my God.
And so it was hell.
So here's my advice.
For anybody thinking of getting married to Mary Jane Rowe, kill yourself first.
She's no damn good.
Oh, Paul.
Paul.
Paul.
The girl that you used to date, I think her name was Sarah Jane Rowe.
It wasn't Mary Jane.
You know, you could be right here.
Come to think of it, she was from Miami.
I guess I got a little bit confused.
Well, no harm done.
Good luck, kids.
A mix-up.
It's a mix-up.
Letter number five.
Here we go.
Dear Dave, what's that thing that looks like a fuse box that guests walk by on
the way to your desk?
A big fan, Jim Marshall, Carl Place, Long Island, New York.
I think you're right, if that's what you're talking about, Jim.
I think it's just an old disconnected fuse box.
Is that what it is, Biff, right over there?
Yeah, right, Dave.
I think it's just an old fuse box or something.
That's all it is.
It's just an old fuse box.
Yeah.
You know what, Dave, as a matter of fact, I don't even believe this thing is
hooked up.
No, I don't think so either.
It's just an old, not really anything there.
Oh, my God.
Gosh and golly.
That's comedy, isn't it, kids?
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.
We'll be back here with Andrea Martin.