Name: Siskel & Ebert, Indigo Girls, Andrea Martin on Late Show, June 30, 1994
Uploaded: 2017-05-23T21:50:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Siskel & Ebert, Indigo Girls, Andrea Martin on Late Show, June 30, 1994' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Siskel & Ebert, Indigo Girls, Andrea Martin on Late Show, June 30, 1994' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-23. Transcript available.

Siskel & Ebert, Indigo Girls, Andrea Martin on Late Show, June 30, 1994

Hi Gene, how are you?
Nice to see you. Roger, nice to see you.
You guys saw The Flintstones, right? The movie?
Listen to this, I've been working on something.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my first guests,
Gene Siskelstone and Roger Ebert Rock.
What do you think?
How the hell did you get a TV show?
From New York, feel free to tip your paramedic if they do a good job.
It's The Late Show with David Lederman.
Tonight, Siskel and Ebert, musical group Indigo Girls,
and actress Andrea Martin.
Plus, Paul Schaefer and the CBS Orchestra.
And now, a man who always gets in trouble for not rewinding,
David Lederman!
The The Nightmare on the Internet.
The Nightmare on the Internet.
The Nightmare on the Internet.
The Nightmare on the Internet.
The Nightmare on the Internet.
The Nightmare on the Internet.
The Nightmare on the Internet.
The Nightmare on the Internet.
The Nightmare on the Internet.
The Nightmare on the Internet.
The Nightmare on the Internet.
The Nightmare on the Internet.
Yes!
Oh!
Oh, please!
Oh, please!
Please!
Please!
Please!
Please, ladies and gentlemen, please have a seat.
My goodness!
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Nice to see you.
My goodness.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Nice to see you.
Thank you.
Now!
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hold on!
Look, our automatic door is not working.
That means to me that the QVC merger apparently has gone through.
Welcome to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
Nice to see you.
Guess who I am?
I'm Dave.
I'm the host.
Oh, hey!
Oh, no!
I just want to mention one thing.
Maybe you know about this.
It's being reported today in the newspapers that CBS, this great television
network for which
we work, and QVC, which is a home shopping outlet, cable outlet, the
possibility of a merger.
They're now talking about the merger.
They're now talking about the merger.
Now, let me remind you of something.
The merger has not yet gone through.
So, do me a favor.
Quit phoning in here trying to buy my hairpiece.
Okay?
Olly!
Do you remember the old days when those doors would just, whoop, whoop, whoop.
Now, this is about all we can get.
Well, you know.
Ah, but you know what?
It ought to be a pretty good deal, come to think about it.
If the QVC merger does go through, it should take the sting out of CBS losing
the professional
football contract, because I think QVC sells those NFL team glasses.
So, it'd be nice to get a set of those.
You know, something very strange happened here in New York City today.
I was reading in the newspaper that Richard Simmons, you folks familiar with
Richard Simmons?
Yes.
Apparently, Richard Simmons has gone to Tiffany's and purchased a diamond ring
for Barbara Streisand
to commemorate their 30-year love affair.
No.
Now, here's where it gets a little wacky.
They have never met.
No.
Apparently, someone is not playing with a full deck of Deal-A-Meal cards.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, what was that?
What did I miss there?
What happened there?
Hey.
Oh, there's a guy who's talking over the jokes.
Nice to see you.
You boys in town for the World Cup?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, yeah.
You betcha.
It's the goatee club.
Good luck.
Julia Roberts' new movie opens today.
It's called I Love Trouble.
That's the name of the new Julia Roberts' summer blockbuster.
It opens today.
And I believe pretty soon she's going to be shooting the sequel to that movie,
I Love Strange
Hair.
Oh, that'll be...
Very, very odd reaction.
It's true.
They don't like it, but they don't know why exactly.
It's clear it was upsetting, but they're not really sure what about that.
Hey, listen to this.
Here's a medical breakthrough.
Maybe you'll like this.
The folks at Johnson & Johnson Pharmaceuticals have introduced a home
cholesterol testing kit.
I think this is an invaluable health aid.
Here's how this works.
You take a little of your own blood and you put it on some treated paper.
And if the paper turns pink, cholesterol is fine.
If the paper turns blue, well, it could be a little high.
If you see a picture of Elvis...
You put down the bacon and get to a hospital immediately.
Have a nice hand for the Hee Haw Honeys, ladies and gentlemen, right here.
Yes, sir.
Nice to see you, kids.
My best to Buck and Roy.
Yee-haw!
My best to Buck and Roy.
Yee-haw!
My best to Buck and Roy.
Yee-haw!
You put down the bacon and get to a hospital immediately.
How about a nice hand for the Hee Haw Honeys, ladies and gentlemen, right here.
Yes, sir.
Nice to see you, kids.
My best to Buck and Roy.
Hee Haw!
Oh, man.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's a sports reminder.
Good seats are still available for the next Mets home game.
It's Thursday night, July 14th, and you probably want to get out there early
because it's Doc Gooden dealer appreciation night.
Get on out there and have a blast.
Close them doors.
Morty Trek, get them doors closed.
Can we try and close them doors?
There they go.
Here we go.
Yeah!
Attaboy!
Let me tell you something, Bob.
You are a genius.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a wonderful program.
Can you feel it?
Can you tell that we have a...
You bet.
We have a...
On the show tonight, our old friends, Cisco and Ebert are here.
That's right.
What's going on?
Well, I'm just amusing myself.
What if I had a gopher in my jacket?
Also, thank you, sir.
Also, on the program tonight, Indigo Girls.
And a very funny woman and a great actress, an old friend of ours, Andrea
Martin, will be joining us this evening, kids.
Now, do me a favor.
Oh, man.
Too much pre-show soda.
Do me a favor.
Say hello to our good friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer.
He's right over there.
Paul.
I was thinking about this.
I don't know if this means anything to us.
You know, when we used to work at NBC, remember that, Paul, years and years and
years ago?
Yeah, way back.
If you don't understand this, Paul and I used to do a show over at NBC, similar
to this show.
And we'd been working there about five or six years, and suddenly a global
corporate giant, General Electric, comes in and buys the network.
I remember that.
Well, that was the beginning of the end for all of us.
Ah, yes.
Yes, absolutely.
Yes.
Have you folks ever had light bulbs burn out?
Well, it's those bastards at GE.
That's what they're doing, do you?
They're burning out your light bulbs.
So anyway, now this thing happens where they're talking about this merger with
QVC.
It's not really a takeover, I don't think.
It's not like they're taking over CBS.
And I think CBS will still maintain control of the new organization if it goes
through, but it makes you a little unsure of your future with the network.
Of course.
And I, you know, here, of course, is my biggest fear that this QVC, the home
shopping thing, it stands for quality, value, and convenience.
I see.
I see.
That's right.
So, you know, this, I guess, would be our biggest fear, that one night you'll
tune in and it's just us selling crap, you know?
They put up the little plate and then you get the little stuff there on the
screen.
There, it's just...
And then you have the plates right here.
You know, this ain't a bad idea.
We could make a fortune on this crap.
How much would those go for?
We could unload these for like a hundred bucks a piece.
You think?
Oh, easy.
Simple as that.
Hal, do me a favor.
Turn on the external camera, will you?
Hal Gurney, our director, ladies and gentlemen.
Wow.
Okay.
Looks like it's raining.
Looks like we had a cloud burst there because all afternoon it was hot.
It was muggy.
It was like being in downtown Manila.
And let me tell you something, folks.
I've never been in downtown Manila, but it was just that hot and muggy.
And now it's coming down in buckets.
It's coming down in, what do they call that?
It's raining dogs.
Sheets.
Cats and dogs.
Yeah, raining cats and dogs.
Yes, sir.
We thought since it was so steamy and so hot earlier, we'd invite somebody in
to cool off.
Because outside, it's very, very hot.
Inside, it couldn't be more comfortable.
Isn't it a lovely temperature inside?
We could sell that.
We could sell the plates and the thermometer for 150 bucks.
All right.
But now, since it's not really all...
There you go.
The whole collection.
You get the thermometer and the plates for $150, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
But since it's not that hot outside, turn on that camera again, Hal.
Ah, geez, we had a great idea, now it's just gone to hell.
This is our first rain out here on the show.
You see, it was so hot out there, and it's so cool inside.
We're going to invite somebody in, but no, it just ain't that hot out there.
Ain't that hot in here either, come to think of it.
Ah, let's see, Hal.
Get in there on the phones, and maybe we can invite somebody in here to dry off.
Awful lot of activity going on out there.
And now that we're getting ready to place the phone call, there is no activity.
Oh, that guy is soaked.
This is the perfect kind of guy.
Right there.
Stay right there.
I'm calling you.
Stay right there, buddy.
Don't move.
Let me get the phone.
All right.
We'll try and...
Oh, I'm going to need a little dialing music here.
We'll be calling out there.
How about that guy's from out of town?
Doesn't he have that out of town look to him?
You know, come to think of it, I'm from out of town.
Okay, that one's busy.
All right.
No, no, please.
Please, don't despair.
So what if we bump Siskel and Ebert?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Okay.
Hello?
Yeah.
Hello?
Yes, this is Mayor Giuliani.
I'd like to see you in a raincoat.
Well, Mayor Giuliani.
What is your name, sir?
I don't have a little kid with me right now.
What is your name?
My name's Tim Garrison.
Where are you from, Tim?
I'm from Kansas City, Missouri.
What did I say?
I don't know.
It's me.
I'm from Reno, Texas right now.
What are you doing in town, Tim?
What?
I say, what are you doing in town?
Well, I brought my girlfriend to see the Indigo Girls.
Uh-huh.
And she had no idea.
We got on a plane in Kansas City.
Here we go.
And she had no idea we were going to New York.
Yeah.
And then she had no idea we were walking down to see the Indigo Girls.
Tim, Tim.
Yeah?
Get a hold of yourself.
You're delirious.
I am delirious.
I think I've been hypnotized by this rain.
Yeah.
Tim, Tim, can this story be told in under an hour?
What?
Ah, never mind.
Is that your girlfriend right there?
Yeah.
Boy, the two of you look like you're soaked.
We are soaked.
Yeah.
Would you like to come in and dry off?
What?
I say, would you like to come in and dry off?
Oh, Dave, I'd love to come in and dry off.
Can she come in too?
Is this Dave Wilma?
All right.
Well, you have to behave yourself, all right?
I promise I will, sir.
All right, well, somebody will show you how to get in and hurry up.
Come on, what's your girlfriend's name?
Okay, Megan.
All right, Megan.
Tim and Megan, come on in, kids.
All right, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
Nice to meet you.
Boy, look at you guys, you're soaked.
I know.
You're soaking wet.
Here, come on over here.
Siskel and Ebert are here.
Here, there's a towel for you.
There you go.
Now, dry off.
Are you all dry now?
Well, we bought this umbrella for $5.
All right, Tim.
Did we get ripped off?
We heard your story, Tim.
Why don't you guys go over there and have a seat?
You can't really sit there.
We have Siskel and Ebert coming.
Just go over there and sit around.
Hold on.
We're moving critics off.
No, Tim, that's all right.
Just have a seat, Tim.
And for the first time in your life, try to be quiet for a little bit.
There you go.
Sit.
Sit down.
There we go.
It's Tim and Megan from Kansas City.
Okay, enjoy those.
Well, okay, now we got us a show, more or less, you know.
We're going to do a commercial when we come back.
Our old friends Siskel and Ebert right there, ladies and gentlemen.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
How are you?
Welcome to the program.
That's Tim Garrison and Megan Neid.
Neid.
Neid, from both Kansas City.
What do you guys do?
Do you go to school?
Do you work?
I go to school.
Where do you go to school?
Park College.
Park College is where?
In Kansas City, Missouri.
Is that one of those tiny little private li