Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, December 23, 1988
Uploaded: 2017-05-29T00:18:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, December 23, 1988' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, December 23, 1988' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-29. Transcript available.

It's Elf Night #2.
No.
No.
Wait a minute, hey!
Ah, what the hell do we do?
I started something.
Oh, say hello to our friend Paul Schaefer over there, kid.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
I have one serious note for the holiday season.
What's that, Paul?
When you put on a Santa Claus suit,
you take on, in effect, all the responsibility
that comes with that suit.
That's right, exactly, Paul.
I'm glad you pointed that out.
Thank you very much. I don't want anyone to forget that.
Once again, I'd just like to thank you for your lovely gifts.
I'd like to thank everybody in the building for their lovely gifts
and apologize for my lame gifts.
I don't know. We just had trouble this year.
And I'm sorry, next year will be even better.
Your gifts were lovely.
They were great.
You get meat or flashlights?
You got a kind of a what?
Will got wontons from you, which is very thoughtful.
Will got wontons from me?
Who knew?
Frozen wontons, which is great.
Let's see. Let's do our top ten list here,
and then we'll get on with the show.
Have you, Paul, have you been outside recently?
There's an elf laying down on the job.
Who's over there reading something?
Hi.
I've never seen that.
Have you been outside lately, Paul?
No, not in a while.
It feels like it might, actually it feels like it might snow.
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Oh my God, what if it does?
Anyway, when you sense an emergency here at home base, you swarm the area.
That's right.
That's my advice to elves.
That's what they did.
Well, they didn't.
What is it, honey?
What's the matter?
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Ah, the littlest elf.
Yeah.
Well, our top ten category tonight from the home office in Lincoln, Nebraska,
top ten elf
fears.
Ah.
Top ten fears of elves.
Here we go.
Number ten.
Contracting Lyme disease from showering with reindeer.
That's a real problem.
You don't automatically think of that.
Number nine.
The end of somebody's tiny little hammer will fly off and crack a skull open.
Number eight.
Massive layoffs from impending Santa Keebler merger.
Number seven.
Getting stranded after dark in a pixie neighborhood.
Yeah, that would beat the crap out of you.
Number six.
They'll die and go to hell.
Well, that's pretty much universal.
Number five.
First elf president will probably not come in their lifetime.
Number four.
Low blood pressure will make it difficult to maintain curled toes.
Number three.
Something happens to bush.
Number two.
Number two.
Number two.
Santa will replace them with really smart oriental kids.
That should be a fear of all of ours.
And the number one elf fear.
Bell rash.
Bell rash.
Bell rash.
Bell rash.
Bell rash.
Bell rash.
Bell rash.
Thank you.
Bell rash.
really smart oriental kids that should be a fear of all of ours and the number
one elf fear bell rash
bell rash
did i do something wrong uh let's do our viewer mail how are we doing on time
do we have plenty of
time for plenty of time so that guy can go where the hell is rick
uh letter number one these are actual letters ladies and gentlemen from actual
viewers from
all over north america uh dear dave letter number one begins i'm the children's
librarian at the
berkeley public library and i noticed the enclosed advertisement the other day
i thought you might
be interested how does it feel to be a subject heading in an encyclopedia well
i guess that's
the advertisement there furthermore how does it feel knowing that your name is
being used to help
sell encyclopedias sincerely alex krentzin berkeley michigan uh well this is an
interesting letter and
naturally i'm proud to be included in this scholarly compilation alex but the
the ad i guess is a little
misleading you see i'm not an entire subject heading but but i do have an
important part
in the encyclopedia here it is right here we've clipped it to the page there
take a look at that
i couldn't be more proud of this and uh thanks for noticing
by gosh i do have a lovely figure
what's going on over there you elves the elves are drunk
letter number letter number two dear dave is it okay if i outline the body with
chalk before the
police come and it's signed your pal lon wolf maple shade new jersey let me see
that stationary again
hell yeah look at this paul that's pretty good uh it's archie's pals and gals
stationary yeah i used
to read the comic books all the time in fact i think if we can take another
look i think i can name
every one of those characters in in under 15 seconds all right five bucks five
bucks says you can't do
it in 15 seconds all right you want to seriously all right i can do it in 15
seconds how do we have
a clock all right i'll start okay here we go start the clock now let's see uh
there we have uh archie
veronica uh betty uh jughead uh miss grundy mr weatherby uh reggie uh dilton doily
uh moose uh pop
pop tate uh miss beasley mr svenson uh uh uh uh i don't know i don't know damn
i just
too bad too bad who i drew a blank yeah yeah i'm sorry the reverend al sharpe
i haven't read the comic book in like three years
it's howard's petting zoo back there
oh i'm a very confident man this christmas knowing my family
is receiving the lovely gift of meat of me
uh letter number three dear dave you're really not that famous faithful viewer
john barnes windsor ontario
canada uh well you know john you may be right i don't know if i am uh famous or
not i i do i think
we can test this there's a way to test and see we'll run a little experiment paul
while i'm gone perhaps
a little music just a little music while i'm moving here but we can test this
out of my way you damn elves
just go back here and see if we can conduct a little test
hi how are you excuse me nice to see you hi hello there hi how you doing i
recognize you you're david
letterman that's right what brings you here to the land of the mole people ah
well we're just uh
we're just conducting a little experiment what what are you up to ah a little
digging a little eating
roots right a little hanging out yeah oh what's uh new with you surface dwellers
well you know uh pretty
soon the uh the presidential administration of ronald reagan will come to an
end ronald ronald who
never mind nice talking to you thank you very much try to get some vitamin c oh
um i'll tell you
what uh biff are you out there yeah dave now do me a favor start another elf
drill
well now even i'm getting sick of the elf drill
but uh but i i mean in a really good kind of way
welcome back to dave's tv clubhouse all right letter number four boy we're
running awfully late
tonight we we should notify the affiliates along the line that we'll be running
over tonight
letter number four uh merry christmas dave best wishes bruce and toby water and
lady new york new
york oh that's cute look at that uh thanks for the card uh bruce and toby uh
merry christmas to you and
of course your little dog did you see the little dog paul that was really nice
lady cute dog hold it
hold it hold it hold it a second what's the matter give me give me take that
one more shot of that dog
sure why not just as i thought that's my dog mitzi this is this dog was stolen
from me last year and
i'm telling you since that dog was stolen my life has been a mess i don't know
how bruce and toby water
can be so cruel first they steal your dog then they rub it in your face my
heart's broken
well paul gee i'm sorry to hear that this can that be true it's absolutely true
i can't what
you like your christmas present now i'd like i'd like to give you a christmas
time for christmas i'm
i'm choked up by my dog and i can't open presents it's bruce and toby water and
what they've done to
my dog you know i think you'll really like this one what i think you'll like
this well let me see
what's merry christmas buddy oh thank you oh i can't believe it this is great
oh this is great
oh it's it's the severed heads of bruce and toby water anton thank you very
much this is the best
certainly best christmas ever it is poignant and lengthy thank you so much uh
letter number five
this really is the best all right i think it's over
yeah i know it is paul i hope you enjoy that uh dear dave i'm not watching your
show tonight and
there isn't a damn thing you can do about it an occasional fan pat curtain ottawa
ontario oh yeah
pat you don't want to watch the show tonight and you don't think there's
anything i can do about it
there's nothing i can do about it is that the deal pat is that what you're
telling me buddy
nothing i can do about it nothing i can do about it huh you worthless little twit
why are you saying
something i can do about it give me that all right
okay we got a uh a great show here paul riser andy williams and a woman to show
us how to wrap gifts
andy williams and a woman to show us how to wrap gifts and a woman to show us
how to wrap gifts