Name: Charles Grodin on Letterman, February 24, 1982
Uploaded: 2017-05-30T02:48:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Charles Grodin on Letterman, February 24, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-30. Transcript available. Grodin's first Late Night appearance.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Charles Grodin on Letterman, February 24, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-30. Transcript available. Grodin's first Late Night appearance.

How's that Mr. Groen? How's that look?
Where's some mascara up here, will you, Blondie?
Mascara? I'm sorry, I'm out of mascara.
You're out of mascara?
Sorry, you know your friendliness campaign?
It's so wonderful, it's such a great...
You're out of mascara?
Yeah, helps people get along, like each other.
Is that your coffee cup on my friendly pamphlets?
What are you, crazy? It's like a zoo in here.
Where's the producer? Where's the producer?
What is this, late night? Late night.
You people ought to be on at 4.45 to 5.15.
They're out of mascara in there.
They put coffee on my pamphlets.
Why don't you work more on producing the show
and less on your permanent?
Hey, there's not supposed to be anybody in here.
Out of here. Clear this green room.
Come on, move it, move it.
Take these friendly pamphlets. Come on, read these.
You can't read, can't you? Come on, old-timer.
Move it, out of here. Out of here. Come on, come on.
Which way they go, which way they go, don't we?
Thank you. Thank you, Paul.
Hi, welcome back to the show.
And once again, our thanks to Mrs. Nelson
out there in Loomis, Nebraska.
Charles Grodin is a very popular actor
whose film credits include
The Heartbreak Kid, Real Life, Heaven Can Wait,
and Seems Like Old Times.
He is also a writer, a producer, a director,
a member of the Porquettes.
And despite what we say or do on this program,
a very nice guy.
Please welcome Mr. Charles Grodin.
You brought the cushions there, huh?
Well, as I see this show on television,
you're, uh, look.
If I didn't have these cushions,
I'd be here, right?
Yeah.
So, I have these cushions.
Oh, I see.
You get the feeling you're scolding your guests
at the lower level.
Oh, really?
So, I feel better like this.
Well, now you look enormous.
Yes, that's the idea.
Heavens, I feel so insecure suddenly.
Yeah, well, that's how people feel
who are on the lower, uh, position.
Are you comfortable sitting on those?
I'm fine now.
Let me just, uh, offer one suggestion,
you know, of a talk show veteran that I am.
Uh-huh.
Over your, uh, left shoulder,
if you take a shot just of David here,
you'll see a dog.
That's right.
You see that dog on the wall?
That's right.
I see the dog.
I suggest you don't have a dog, uh,
behind you when you're hosting a show.
Really?
It just puts thoughts in people's minds.
Well, that's interesting.
Uh, what is the nature of the thoughts
placed in your mind?
The show is a dog, uh, or you look at it,
or you look at an animal, uh, I mean,
I mean, these are just the type of thoughts
that you could have.
Uh, or people like to look at animals.
Yeah.
And, uh...
You find that distracting, actually?
It was to me.
I just looked at the animal.
What was the opening about?
The, oh, the...
No, I found it distracting.
I, I would, I would not like to have
an animal, uh, behind me, uh,
or even with me.
Oh, I...
Just to suggest, you don't want
to deal with it now, but, uh...
Well, maybe we do.
If you want to go backstage,
I'll deal with the dog here.
Well, we'll solve that problem.
You can come out later.
Maybe take it down and put up, uh, nothing.
Just leave nothing there.
Well, that's, that's, uh, one of my dogs.
No, seriously.
Is it?
That's Stan.
That's your dog, Stan?
Yeah.
I want to, first of all,
I want to congratulate you on the show,
uh, and tell you that, uh,
this is, this is serious.
I want to tell you something
that happened the other day.
I went to a dinner party.
Yeah.
This is not funny, but it's true.
Okay.
And the hostess, uh,
was talking about you, uh,
in excess, really.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Uh, she talked about you.
She thought you were, like,
real cute, adorable, uh, funny.
And the host, after about 20 minutes of this,
uh, really was getting irritated.
Yeah.
And he, after about a half an hour,
I'm serious.
It actually happened like this.
After about a half an hour,
a dinner party of about 12 people,
he called her a bad word.
What?
He called her...
Then, um, she continued,
this is completely true.
Have anything to do with a dog?
No.
Completely true.
30 minutes later,
she was still doing this.
David Letterman is the cutest,
he's the funniest,
he's the best.
You know, I, I didn't really like it myself,
but I wouldn't say it.
But the host then called her
an even worse word.
Didn't stop her.
And she ended the evening by saying
if she could just see you
and two things she wanted to do
for her day would make her day.
See you and read
the National Enquirer.
That's true.
I mean, that's just the point.
I don't know what that does for you,
but it's better than the dog caught.
That would make her a happy woman, huh?
That's what she said.
So what I'm doing with you
and my, uh, friendliness, uh, plan here
is to start, like,
with the criticism of your set.
Yeah.
And bring you up to, like...
Then you built me up a little bit.
Build you up to, you know,
people like you as much as the Enquirer.
We've done a fine job of it, Charles.
I appreciate that.
Uh, we're going to interrupt here,
but we'll continue.
Uh, more with the Charles Groden.
Welcome back to the show.
Charles Groden is here.
You're a fine actor,
and, uh, we, uh,
at the beginning of the show,
Yeah.
We made reference to your, uh,
let's be friendly campaign.
Well, you know, they called me up
when I, I, when they, uh,
saw that I was going to be on the show
and asked me how I would feel
about doing what they call
a cold opening.
Mm-hmm.
You familiar with, uh, the term?
Uh, I've heard some people
around the office use it.
Yeah.
Uh, and, uh, they wanted me, they said,
would you come in and blow up and get very angry
so that would be the comedy, uh, opening.
And, uh, I said I wanted to think about it
because I didn't think being unfriendly
was going to be funny, which I don't think it was.
No, I thought it was funny.
Was it?
I found it amusing.
Did you?
Well, you, I think, well,
last night, actually, now that you mention it,
you were interviewing a fellow who almost, uh,
who did die, right?
Yes, he did die.
Not while I was talking to him,
but, uh, a couple of months ago.
He died and he's fine now.
So you said to him at some point, uh,
so you were dead, right?
Yes.
Yes.
Like, for the single best sensitive remark, uh,
on a talk show.
So you would probably find that opening funny.
I found it funny.
Yeah.
Well, he was dead.
He knows he was dead.
And you were just reminding him,
and, uh, the audience that I, uh,
I just...
For anybody who tuned in late,
I'm sitting here talking to a person who was dead.
Yeah.
And, uh, he's sitting here.
He's sitting here.
Anyway, the unfriendly thing,
the reason I said I would do it
is, uh, to show people that, uh,
unfriendliness really is, uh, stupid.
Uh, but now it turns out it can be stupid and funny.
Funny.
But nobody wants to be...
Stupid.
Yeah, even if you're funny.
But now, explain the, uh,
genesis of your campaign to make folks friendly.
Oh, I, I became, uh, aware sometimes,
the last, uh, several years
that, uh, how I was feeling
had a lot to do with how people were treating me.
Seems like an obvious idea.
So I got together with Carol Burnett,
and we went around to various shows
and started to talk about
the idea of how we treat each other.
For example,
are you treated, uh,
the way you'd like to be treated?
I mean, because you,
you seem like mildly upset to me sometimes.
I'm, I'm mildly upset most of the time.
Is that because of the way you're treated in life
or something that happened a long time ago?
I, I, well, I have,
I'll go along with you on this.
I guess that that's the way I appear,
and that's the way people treat me in return.
I mean, it's...
And so you're kind of a,
mean would be, like, too strong a word.
I don't see myself as being mean.
I guess others might use that word.
Right, yeah.
See, I think you come off like a...
But I think that people...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I come off like a...
And he called her a...
Oh, one of those deals.
No, the one thing that if I,
if I could say one thing
and then get off it
because you don't want to talk about friendliness too much
on, with a late night audience.
You don't?
No.
No, late night audience
are not interested in that subject, I found.
In fact, people generally
are not interested in this subject.
And your rating on a show
that comes on in this, in this hour
is like, is like a real, like, single digit,
a low single digit to start with, right?
I mean, it is.
It's a, it's the nature of the time slot.
It really is.
It's a, it's a, I hosted the, uh...
Tomorrow's show,
I have one of those weenie,
teeny little, uh, figures.
They give you like a, a two or something, you know.
So you don't want to, like,
hurt it further with this, but, but, uh...
Gee, uh, Charles, we, uh, uh...
We really don't have much time
for all of this friendliness,
but, uh, we'll pause
and we'll come back and continue.
Thank you.
Hi, welcome back to the show.
Charles Brogan is here.
We've replaced that ugly eyesore, Charles.
Right, you, that's my new picture.
I'm not in a new picture.
That is my new picture.
I like that.
Yeah, that's nice.
You always want to make reference
to a picture, uh, when you come on a talk show.
Yeah, you know, can I ask you a question
about a picture?
I asked you this once before.
Did you actually see
Sybil Shepard undressed?
What, you're going to old questions
you asked me that worked in the past?
Well, I don't think that we ever
got a, uh, definitive answer,
and it's the kind of thing
that recurs and haunts me.
No, I'll tell you something
that did happen.
I ran into David Steinberg
at a gathering, and he said,
gee, you were so good
when you were on with me
at the night show.
I said, hey, you asked me
if I ever saw Sybil Shepard, uh, naked,
and with a question like that,
I mean, it's a great question
for a host to ask.
And I walked away,
forgetting that you asked me
that question and not David Steinberg.
The answer to your question is,
what was the question?
About seeing Sybil Shepard undressed
in, uh, The Heartbreak Kid.
You mean, have I ever seen
Sybil Shepard naked?
Is that the question?
Have you ever seen
David Steinberg naked?
Have you ever seen
David Steinberg naked between us?
Who hasn't?
Ah, I'm curious.
A burst of applause there.
I've seen, uh,
I've seen, uh,
I've seen David naked.
Well, good.
Good.
I'm glad.
Now, you mentioned a motion picture.
Have you a new offering
we can look forward to?
Just that, uh, back there.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, I certainly appreciate
you coming on here tonight
and helping us out
with our cushions
and our set.
I appreciate it,
and, uh, you know,
next time, I hope, uh...
Will you come back?
You implied that there
would be a next time.
You mean what I just said
just now?
Yeah, will you come back?
I don't think it necessarily
implies that there would be
a next time.
Oh, darn.
Well, we'll negotiate this over,
uh, Charles Grodin,
ladies and gentlemen.
Chuck, thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
We'll be right back.