Name: Tod Hartje on Letterman, January 8, 1991
Uploaded: 2017-06-09T18:49:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tod Hartje on Letterman, January 8, 1991' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tod Hartje on Letterman, January 8, 1991' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-09. Transcript available.

How are you?
Hal?
Yeah, Dan.
Hal, do you have that Danny Thomas spit take you can run in slow motion at the
end of the program tonight?
We'll save it at the end of the show.
Yeah, that'll be nice. In slow motion.
In slow motion.
Oh, great. Thank you very much.
Hal Gurney. Hal Ernie Gurney.
Hal?
He wants to be called Ernie for 91, he told me.
Hal Ernie Gurney.
That's right, but you can drop the Hal, it's not just Ernie.
So his full name would be Hal, Hal Ernie Gurney, Gurney.
No.
Yeah, I guess, I guess that would be. Thank you very much.
Ernie.
Our next guest has, now this is, Paul, this is interesting. Listen to this.
You boys pay attention.
Okay, okay. Go ahead.
Our next guest has broken new ground in the world of hockey by becoming the
first American to play professionally in the Soviet Union.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Todd Hartgey.
Todd!
Good to see you.
Thank you very much for being here.
Todd Hartgey.
Have a seat.
Well, Todd, this is an interesting story.
Help us out with this.
How did it begin?
You played your college hockey at Harvard.
Yes, correct.
You graduated from Harvard.
Is that right?
Yes, it is.
Okay, so then what happened? How do you end up in the Soviet Union?
You know, I guess it all started back when I was, well, five years old and I
started playing hockey.
But I won't go into all that.
Please don't.
No, the Winnipeg Jets hold my draft rights.
Right.
And the general manager, Mike Smith, has been very interested in Soviet hockey.
There are some Soviet players in the NHL now, aren't there?
There are a few now, yes.
And how do they do, generally? Are they okay?
Oh, yeah.
Skill-wise, they're very good players.
But they can't take it, can they, if you know what I mean?
No, they...
Can't take it.
I'll leave that to you.
They fold.
A hip check and they're gone, right?
Actually, a few of them are playing very well right now.
Some of them had some problems, but, I mean, it's not easy coming over here to
play.
No, I think culturally it would be very difficult, let alone the different kind
of hockey.
So, anyway, the guy from the Winnipeg Jets says,
We hold your draft rights, but...
But we have an interesting proposition for you.
And he called me in for a meeting following my season last year,
and he started laying it out.
And when he told me that we want you to go to the Soviet Union,
geez, I almost laughed at him.
Why do they want you to go there?
I guess I can't speak for him, but, one, that it could improve my hockey.
I mean, it is a business, and they want me to play for the Jets,
and I want to play for the Jets.
And maybe they thought you were pink, if you know what I mean.
I don't know what that means.
Yeah, I don't really know what that means.
So, anyway, you took them up on their offer,
and you went over there, and you play now for what team in the Soviet Union?
I play for the Sokol Kiev team.
This is at the same level as NHL hockey, essentially?
It is their elite league over there, so it's their NHL, if you will.
And how are you doing?
I guess you're in the middle of the season now.
Yeah, we're in the middle of the season.
Two halves.
How do you do?
How do you play over there?
You're pretty good?
I think it's going pretty well.
I'm playing a solid shift.
I play every game now, and I'm getting a lot of ice time.
So, hockey-wise, yeah, it's going really well.
And culturally and socially, how are you doing?
Do they provide you with a translator?
Do they give you a guide?
I mean, do they have somebody help you along with the customs of the country?
Yeah, everybody's been very helpful with that.
In some respects, they've tried to be a little too helpful.
Nicky, if you're watching this, turn off the volume.
But on the way over, a guy that met me at the airport to bring me from Moscow
to Kiev,
he knew that I didn't speak any of the language and that I would need to learn
something if I was going to get along.
And he said, well, I asked him, well, what do I do?
And he said, well, the best way to learn the language is to find yourself a
nice Russian girl and live with her for a while, if you understand what I mean.
Yes, I think you do.
I think we read between the lines there.
Yeah, but, so, I mean, they had that all arranged for me.
So, they had a young lady there for you?
They did have a young lady for me.
And she served as translator?
And did you also, did you date this girl?
No, I did not date this girl.
I did not date this girl.
Okay.
What about the KGB?
Did you know anything?
Are they in your life at all?
The secret police?
No, they tend to stay out of my life.
Nobody's really watching over my shoulder too much.
But when I did try to get out of the country here to come home for the
Christmas break,
I did run into a little problem with the control, as they call it, in the
airport.
For some reason, my passport had expired in September.
So, that started out some of the problems they wanted to look at.
So, this guy starts spewing Russian at me, and I'm trying to keep up with him,
but he's going really fast, so I'm having a tough time.
But are you like a star now in the Soviet Union?
Media-wise, yeah, they're very interested.
I would think they'd be fascinated by this.
Yeah, they really are.
So, in that sense, I get more publicity, if you will, from them than some of
their Olympic gold medalists.
Are you enjoying the experience?
I am.
I, uh, it's a different kind of enjoyment.
It's not something that, uh, you hop, you know, you hop up and down and scream
and shout.
But, uh, I mean, yeah, it's been a great, yeah, it's not club med.
But, I mean, if you were, if you were going to spend some time over there,
you couldn't have picked a more interesting time in the history of that country
and, uh, to be observing what's going on over there.
Exactly, and, uh, I mean, that's been, that's been totally fascinating, just to
be in people's households while they're discussing all the changes going on.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, and eventually you hope to come back and play in the NHL, huh?
I do hope to, yes.
Well, good for you.
Pleasure meeting you.
Well, thank you.
Have a great, uh, second half of the season.
Nice to meet you.
Todd Hartke, uh, we'll, we'll be right back.
All right, uh, Todd, take this back.
It's the, uh, Danny Thomas book.
Read that to your teammates over there.
Okay, I will.
Nice meeting you.
Uh, we gotta go, folks.
We'll see you tomorrow night.
Thanks for being here.
Good night, everybody.
Good night, everybody.
Thank you.