Name: Drake Sather Collection on Letterman, 1986-87
Uploaded: 2017-06-09T20:17:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Drake Sather Collection on Letterman, 1986-87' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Drake Sather Collection on Letterman, 1986-87' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-09. Transcript available.

Okay, our next guest tonight is making his network television debut this
evening.
He is a very talented stand-up comedian and can be seen this weekend in San
Francisco at a place called Cobb's Pub.
Folks, please welcome to the show, Drake Sather.
Thank you very much. Thank you so much. It's nice to be here.
New York's great. I know it has its drawbacks, though.
You ever been walking around Manhattan, just minding your own business, then
find you're leading a gay-lesbian pride march?
Yeah. I'm a little tired of that.
I like the women in New York. They're kind of suspicious, though.
Spent a day with this girl, asked her back to my place. She said,
Well, you're not a rapist, are you?
Well, I was never actually convicted.
Is that close enough?
I was reading the New York Post today.
Was it the Post? No.
No, Hustler is what it was. I get those mixed up.
See, 7-Eleven has stopped selling Penthouse and Playboy.
That's a bad sign that we start looking to 7-Elevens for moral guidance.
Yeah, I'll have a Slurpee, and where do you think I should stand on the death
penalty?
I wanted to check with you guys first.
I visited my parents recently. Kind of sad. I mean, my dad's getting older, and
I know this because when he drives me someplace, I have an urge to cram his
foot down on the gas pedal.
Instead, I just hint. It's like, gee, Dad, it looks like people are passing us
on both sides, and they appear to be walking. Isn't that something?
Yeah, my dad raised us by the book. Unfortunately, that book was The Shining,
and...
When I was a teenager, I used to come home smelling like smoke. My mother would
say,
Have you been smoking cigarettes again?
I'd lie and say yes, because I didn't want to know the real reason I smelled
like smoke, you know.
Arson.
I have a girlfriend now. Her name is Lotion. It's actually her name.
The other day, she said,
You never listen to me. Every time I talk to you, you just tune me out.
At least, I think that's what she said. I don't know. I don't think...
Yeah.
I don't pay much attention to her, you know.
It's better than my last girlfriend. My last girlfriend is always clinging to
me in public.
Yeah. You'd be walking down the street, she'd be digging her nails into my arm.
She was blind, but she had a cane.
I just hate that kind of dependency in a woman.
But my present girlfriend, Lotion, she's so into her clothing.
Her attention to detail is incredible.
It's like, Drake, should I wear my blouse like this?
Or like this?
Well, you're going to have to call one of your friends for that one.
You're going to have to be born with that kind of knowledge.
I hate shopping for clothes.
And, well, I, you know, I think that's pretty obvious by now, but...
Oh, that's not that funny, but thank you.
Have you seen the no shoplifting signs in the dressing rooms?
These things just remind me to shoplift.
That's right. I could steal this, couldn't I?
Yeah.
Grocery shopping is just as weird, though.
Especially at these mega supermarkets, where if you stand at one end,
you can't see the other end because of the curvature of the earth.
Bought some rice cakes the other day?
Oh, what a taste treat these are, huh?
Actually, rice cakes aren't bad if you put enough frosting on them.
We now have wieners with chili inside them.
Yeah, these are gross.
I don't think, I don't think food should have guts.
That's just a little rule with me.
Well, I see you studied medicine at the University of Washington.
Did you graduate?
Yeah, I'm a doctor.
I just want to wash dishes to help me relax.
You get these great questions like,
Why do you want to work here, Mr. Sather?
You always give them some ridiculous answer like,
Well, I've always admired the Burger King chain.
While you're saying this, you're thinking,
Why do I want to work here?
Because I'm a loser?
I don't know.
Let's work it out together, huh?
Another good one is,
What do you see yourself doing 10 years from today?
Well, let me check my appointment book for that one.
Here we are, November 19th, 1996.
I'm free that day.
So if you want to schedule me,
I don't see any conflict there.
My favorite question, though,
is what foreign languages do you speak or write fluently?
What, is there a chance I'll be transferred to Germany
to do some dishes?
It's kind of a dishwasher exchange program
we've got going here.
Thank you very much.
You don't want to talk.
Oh, hi.
Welcome back to the show.
Nice job, Drake.
Very funny stuff.
Thank you very much.
Is your girlfriend's name actually lotion?
Yeah, it really is.
We live together.
We've been toying with the idea of getting married.
Looked at some engagement rings.
A lot of beautiful rings for women.
And then they brought out some rings for men.
And for him, something ugly.
Oh, a miniature dump truck.
All right.
Well, we'll be right back again.
My thanks to Carl Reiner and Dick Enberg and Drake Sather,
who will be appearing this weekend at Cobb's Pub in San Francisco.
Tomorrow, John Lithgow and Billy Crystal.
Thank you, folks.
Good night, everybody.
Our next guest tonight is a very funny gentleman.
He made his network television debut on this program a few months ago.
He can be seen in person on March 27th and 28th at the Hilarity's Comedy Club
in Cleveland.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back, Drake Sather.
Thank you.
Thanks so much.
Boy.
Had a nice day today.
I went to the Museum of Modern Art.
It's incredible.
Yeah, just being in a place like that made me realize that there's way too much
art in this
world, and I think a lot of it should be destroyed.
Yeah.
Yeah, got mugged on the bus.
The bus driver said, don't worry about it.
We've got it all on videotape.
Oh, great.
Now I can relive this special moment.
Such a liberal city.
On my street, someone's tacked up these handbills that say, stop bombing El
Salvador.
Who are these for?
I'm not bombing El Salvador.
I don't think my neighbors are.
Maybe I'm naive.
Maybe they just say they're going jogging, huh?
I went to my first strip show on 42nd Street.
I had a great time.
I think every guy has to go to one of these shows.
And there's only so many times you can walk by a sign that says, beautiful
naked women,
and say to yourself, well, that's not for me.
No, no, I'd much rather go in this radio shack here.
A little upset I miss Jeopardy.
Yeah, I love Jeopardy.
Last week, I watched Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune back-to-back.
A slight difference in the quality of the contestants on these shows, don't you
think?
Jeopardy's like, let's meet Robert.
Robert's a research scientist, and in his spare time, enjoys building brains.
Wheel of Fortune's a different story.
It's like, let's meet our champion, John.
John is fascinated by small, shiny objects.
Yeah, Jeopardy makes you feel stupid because the questions are so hard,
and Wheel of Fortune makes you feel stupid because, well, you know, you're
watching it, right?
I also enjoy entertainment tonight.
I was watching that.
Could someone please help Lucille Ball with her lipstick?
It's called lipstick for a reason.
It's not face-stick.
But then, I'm not an expert.
But, uh, I ate at Burger King today.
Always a treat, yeah.
They have a sign up in there.
It says, please keep your stay to less than 45 minutes.
It bummed me out real bad.
After I'm done lingering over my Whopper,
I like to lounge around on that comfortable furniture.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Before I left Seattle, my parents took me out to an Italian restaurant,
and my mother's hair caught on fire from the candle on the table.
She had so much gel and hairspray in it, it didn't burn like hair.
It was more like a, more like a presto log, actually.
Which was nice that my father could read the menu without his glasses.
Had about two bites of some horrible spaghetti.
The waitress said, you didn't eat very much.
Do you want me to wrap it up for you?
I said, uh, yeah, I don't like it now.
But, uh, I think if you were to put it in a styrofoam container,
then I would leave it in my car overnight, yeah.
Then I think I'll want it, yeah.
Yeah.
That's probably the extra touch it needs, right there.
But, uh, I've taken up smoking again, I'm pretty happy about that.
I smoked way too many cigarettes a day.
I know this because at lunch I had a stroke.
Yeah.
I smoked Marlboros in the Crush Proof Box, you know, which is handy.
In case I'm ever in an accident where I am crushed, you know, I can, uh...
I can have a cigarette afterwards.
Yeah, I pride myself on thinking ahead like that.
They had the mistake of lighting up a cigarette in front of my father.
He says, why don't you just put a loaded gun to your head and pull the trigger?
I can imagine I would, but I just don't think I'd get that same nicotine rush
from a bullet.
Thanks for the suggestion, though.
I visited my parents.
Every time I visit my parents, the thermostat is turned up higher in their
house.
It's getting so hot in there, the cat has shed all its birth.
Yeah.
Besides its dry pink skin, you know, we apply moisturizer.
And I'm feeling good these days.
You know, I have a girlfriend.
Her name is Lotion.
And, uh, that's her name.
She's really into fashion.
She loves her clothing.
She's very protective of her little outfits.
We'll be walking around.
She'll go, look at that bitch over there.
She's got my outfit on exactly.
Hey, God, relax, honey.
You know, she's just a bag lady.
You know, the other day she called me a quitter.
I just walked away, you know.
I don't need that kind of attitude in my life, you know.
Yeah.
And she said, Drake, you never make me climax.
I said, look, I don't make anybody do anything.
That's your little project from now on, okay?
I got my own climaxes to worry about here.
All righty.
Thank you very much.
It's been fun.
Thank you.
Okay.
Drake will be at Hilarity's, right?
March 27th and 28th in Cleveland.
And thanks for being here.
Nice job.
Thank you very much.
My thanks also to the lovely and talented Rickette and Bob Costas.
The lovely and talented Bob Costas.
Tomorrow, Catherine Herald, Lionel Hampton, and Stephen Peppers.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Our next guest is a very funny gentleman who will be performing at the Bumbershoots.
We have to do something about the names of these clubs.
Bumbershoots in Seattle on September 4th.
That's September 4th at Bumbershoots.
You've got to be embarrassed to go in there, don't you?
Nonetheless, a very funny gentleman.
Please welcome back to this program, Drake Sather.
Drake.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
How are you doing?
Good.
Does this thing clash with my outfit?
I think it does.
But it's good to be here, probably because I spent the day on Greyhound today.
Biggest underachievers in the world are on Greyhound.
Just the fact that you're on Greyhound, you're admitting you don't have to be
anywhere for a really long time.
Of course, Greyhound has a slogan, go Greyhound and leave the driving to us.
I guess that separates them from the other bus companies where the passengers
take turns at the wheel.
Went on a date the other night.
She refused to go to bed with me.
She said I had an adolescent attitude towards sex.
I just looked at her.
I said, you're wrong.
And furthermore, if you don't go to bed with me, I'm going to tell everyone you're
a lesbo.
I think there's a connection between fragrance and sexual attraction, though.
You have to be careful how you use it.
Because remember, last year I had a string of bad relationships.
Then I realized the cologne I was wearing was called a low self-esteem psycho
bitch.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Kind of a surprise applause there, but thanks.
It's good to be here.
My family's going nuts these days.
My sister had a baby, which is nice.
Babies have it made, don't they?
They're kind of fat and funny looking, and everyone just loves the hell out of
them.
You never see anyone walk away from a newborn saying, God, what a jerk.
What an annoying person that infant is.
Don't even talk to him.
Babies are kind of fat, but they don't diet.
I mean, let's face it.
If you're an infant, you lose five or six pounds.
You're gone.
You've got to be careful with the crash baby diets.
If I teach you just one thing, let it be that.
For the most part, I was raised by women, which was nerve-wracking, because I
kept missing my period.
You know how that can be, I know.
But I wasn't raised religiously at all.
I don't understand these people who have to go to church every week.
These people strike me as being slow learners.
I keep forgetting.
What is that?
Jesus bad?
Satan good?
How does that work again?
I'm confused.
I'll be back next week.
I'm sorry.
I just hate that.
These are my folks recently.
Remember when I was in high school?
I had girlfriends.
Sometimes they'd spend the night.
It's made my dad really angry.
One time I overheard him say to my mother,
Oh, sure.
He gets to sleep.
But when I do it, it's disgusting.
That was Pops.
My dad's one of these guys.
When he eats, he always gets food on his face.
We all get food on our face at one point or another,
but we feel it, and then we remove it.
My father, I don't know.
Maybe he has no nerve endings in his face,
because it just stays there like stucco or something.
The other night he had mashed potato way over here.
We hadn't had mashed potato in, gosh.
Yeah.
Finally, he took out his handkerchief,
wiped his mouth, missed the food completely.
Then a white thread from the handkerchief
came off onto his upper lip.
One minute he was my dad,
the next an abstract sculpture of some kind.
My grandmother was at this meal,
you know, the food-based meal.
She's pretty mellow now.
When I was little, she had a mean streak.
She used to come up to me and say,
You think I'm old and ugly, don't you?
Well, someday you're going to look just like me.
That scared me,
because I didn't want big sagging breasts.
That's a pretty scary thought for a little boy.
I just wanted to have my period and then move on.
I didn't have to have it all.
Thank you very much.
All right.
The one and only hit for the group, am I right?
Eyes of March, Vehicle, that is correct.
One hit, one hit group.
That is correct, sir.
Drake, nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
How are things?
It's great.
I love being here.
It's so cool meeting Michael Caine.
Yeah.
It's one of these guys everyone loves, don't you think?
Well, I guess me, but...
I don't know.
It's one of these guys everyone likes,
which is kind of scary,
because generally these are the guys
who later turn out to be the antichrist, I find.
The guys that everybody likes?
Yeah, well, it's kind of sneaky that way.
I guess not.
Ask me anything.
Um, so where do you live now?
I live in L.A.
Mm-hmm.
Do you live there?
No, you don't live.
That'd be a long commute for you.
It'd be maddening every day, yeah.
I have a trailer in Wisconsin,
and that's killing me,
driving in and out of here.
L.A. is cool.
L.A. went crazy about this harmonic convergence thing.
Sure.
Did you hear about that?
No, I slept right through it.
Did you?
Yeah.
Well, I guess it's the end of the Mayan calendar.
It was a couple weeks ago,
so I guess all Mayan calendars
are now 50% off of the bookstores.
He'll, uh, in Seattle,
at the Bumbershoots,
uh, on, uh...
It's actually Bumbershoot.
Oh, well, that's much better, then.
It's a festival.
Bumbershoot in, uh, uh,
Seattle on September 4th.
Thanks for being here.
Will, pause and come on back.
Hotel accommodations for most guests
of Late Night with David Letterman
finished by the Berkshire Place
and Omni Classic Hotel
in exchange for this announcement.
For reservations at Omni Hotels
in the U.S. and Europe,
call toll-free 800-THE-OMNI.
We're going now.
Greg, nice to see you again.
Thanks for being here.
Uh, my thanks also to Michael, uh,
Cain and, uh, CZ guests.
Tomorrow on the show,
Sean Young, uh,
and, uh, the lady and her chimps
and, uh, Jerry Seinfeld.
Thanks, everybody.
Good night.
Good night.
Thank you.

Drake Sather Collection on Letterman, 1986-87

Okay, our next guest tonight is making his network television debut this
evening.
He is a very talented stand-up comedian and can be seen this weekend in San
Francisco at a place called Cobb's Pub.
Folks, please welcome to the show, Drake Sather.
Thank you very much. Thank you so much. It's nice to be here.
New York's great. I know it has its drawbacks, though.
You ever been walking around Manhattan, just minding your own business, then
find you're leading a gay-lesbian pride march?
Yeah. I'm a little tired of that.
I like the women in New York. They're kind of suspicious, though.
Spent a day with this girl, asked her back to my place. She said,
Well, you're not a rapist, are you?
Well, I was never actually convicted.
Is that close enough?
I was reading the New York Post today.
Was it the Post? No.
No, Hustler is what it was. I get those mixed up.
See, 7-Eleven has stopped selling Penthouse and Playboy.
That's a bad sign that we start looking to 7-Elevens for moral guidance.
Yeah, I'll have a Slurpee, and where do you think I should stand on the death
penalty?
I wanted to check with you guys first.
I visited my parents recently. Kind of sad. I mean, my dad's getting older, and
I know this because when he drives me someplace, I have an urge to cram his
foot down on the gas pedal.
Instead, I just hint. It's like, gee, Dad, it looks like people are passing us
on both sides, and they appear to be walking. Isn't that something?
Yeah, my dad raised us by the book. Unfortunately, that book was The Shining,
and...
When I was a teenager, I used to come home smelling like smoke. My mother would
say,
Have you been smoking cigarettes again?
I'd lie and say yes, because I didn't want to know the real reason I smelled
like smoke, you know.
Arson.
I have a girlfriend now. Her name is Lotion. It's actually her name.
The other day, she said,
You never listen to me. Every time I talk to you, you just tune me out.
At least, I think that's what she said. I don't know. I don't think...
Yeah.
I don't pay much attention to her, you know.
It's better than my last girlfriend. My last girlfriend is always clinging to
me in public.
Yeah. You'd be walking down the street, she'd be digging her nails into my arm.
She was blind, but she had a cane.
I just hate that kind of dependency in a woman.
But my present girlfriend, Lotion, she's so into her clothing.
Her attention to detail is incredible.
It's like, Drake, should I wear my blouse like this?
Or like this?
Well, you're going to have to call one of your friends for that one.
You're going to have to be born with that kind of knowledge.
I hate shopping for clothes.
And, well, I, you know, I think that's pretty obvious by now, but...
Oh, that's not that funny, but thank you.
Have you seen the no shoplifting signs in the dressing rooms?
These things just remind me to shoplift.
That's right. I could steal this, couldn't I?
Yeah.
Grocery shopping is just as weird, though.
Especially at these mega supermarkets, where if you stand at one end,
you can't see the other end because of the curvature of the earth.
Bought some rice cakes the other day?
Oh, what a taste treat these are, huh?
Actually, rice cakes aren't bad if you put enough frosting on them.
We now have wieners with chili inside them.
Yeah, these are gross.
I don't think, I don't think food should have guts.
That's just a little rule with me.
Well, I see you studied medicine at the University of Washington.
Did you graduate?
Yeah, I'm a doctor.
I just want to wash dishes to help me relax.
You get these great questions like,
Why do you want to work here, Mr. Sather?
You always give them some ridiculous answer like,
Well, I've always admired the Burger King chain.
While you're saying this, you're thinking,
Why do I want to work here?
Because I'm a loser?
I don't know.
Let's work it out together, huh?
Another good one is,
What do you see yourself doing 10 years from today?
Well, let me check my appointment book for that one.
Here we are, November 19th, 1996.
I'm free that day.
So if you want to schedule me,
I don't see any conflict there.
My favorite question, though,
is what foreign languages do you speak or write fluently?
What, is there a chance I'll be transferred to Germany
to do some dishes?
It's kind of a dishwasher exchange program
we've got going here.
Thank you very much.
You don't want to talk.
Oh, hi.
Welcome back to the show.
Nice job, Drake.
Very funny stuff.
Thank you very much.
Is your girlfriend's name actually lotion?
Yeah, it really is.
We live together.
We've been toying with the idea of getting married.
Looked at some engagement rings.
A lot of beautiful rings for women.
And then they brought out some rings for men.
And for him, something ugly.
Oh, a miniature dump truck.
All right.
Well, we'll be right back again.
My thanks to Carl Reiner and Dick Enberg and Drake Sather,
who will be appearing this weekend at Cobb's Pub in San Francisco.
Tomorrow, John Lithgow and Billy Crystal.
Thank you, folks.
Good night, everybody.
Our next guest tonight is a very funny gentleman.
He made his network television debut on this program a few months ago.
He can be seen in person on March 27th and 28th at the Hilarity's Comedy Club
in Cleveland.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back, Drake Sather.
Thank you.
Thanks so much.
Boy.
Had a nice day today.
I went to the Museum of Modern Art.
It's incredible.
Yeah, just being in a place like that made me realize that there's way too much
art in this
world, and I think a lot of it should be destroyed.
Yeah.
Yeah, got mugged on the bus.
The bus driver said, don't worry about it.
We've got it all on videotape.
Oh, great.
Now I can relive this special moment.
Such a liberal city.
On my street, someone's tacked up these handbills that say, stop bombing El
Salvador.
Who are these for?
I'm not bombing El Salvador.
I don't think my neighbors are.
Maybe I'm naive.
Maybe they just say they're going jogging, huh?
I went to my first strip show on 42nd Street.
I had a great time.
I think every guy has to go to one of these shows.
And there's only so many times you can walk by a sign that says, beautiful
naked women,
and say to yourself, well, that's not for me.
No, no, I'd much rather go in this radio shack here.
A little upset I miss Jeopardy.
Yeah, I love Jeopardy.
Last week, I watched Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune back-to-back.
A slight difference in the quality of the contestants on these shows, don't you
think?
Jeopardy's like, let's meet Robert.
Robert's a research scientist, and in his spare time, enjoys building brains.
Wheel of Fortune's a different story.
It's like, let's meet our champion, John.
John is fascinated by small, shiny objects.
Yeah, Jeopardy makes you feel stupid because the questions are so hard,
and Wheel of Fortune makes you feel stupid because, well, you know, you're
watching it, right?
I also enjoy entertainment tonight.
I was watching that.
Could someone please help Lucille Ball with her lipstick?
It's called lipstick for a reason.
It's not face-stick.
But then, I'm not an expert.
But, uh, I ate at Burger King today.
Always a treat, yeah.
They have a sign up in there.
It says, please keep your stay to less than 45 minutes.
It bummed me out real bad.
After I'm done lingering over my Whopper,
I like to lounge around on that comfortable furniture.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Before I left Seattle, my parents took me out to an Italian restaurant,
and my mother's hair caught on fire from the candle on the table.
She had so much gel and hairspray in it, it didn't burn like hair.
It was more like a, more like a presto log, actually.
Which was nice that my father could read the menu without his glasses.
Had about two bites of some horrible spaghetti.
The waitress said, you didn't eat very much.
Do you want me to wrap it up for you?
I said, uh, yeah, I don't like it now.
But, uh, I think if you were to put it in a styrofoam container,
then I would leave it in my car overnight, yeah.
Then I think I'll want it, yeah.
Yeah.
That's probably the extra touch it needs, right there.
But, uh, I've taken up smoking again, I'm pretty happy about that.
I smoked way too many cigarettes a day.
I know this because at lunch I had a stroke.
Yeah.
I smoked Marlboros in the Crush Proof Box, you know, which is handy.
In case I'm ever in an accident where I am crushed, you know, I can, uh...
I can have a cigarette afterwards.
Yeah, I pride myself on thinking ahead like that.
They had the mistake of lighting up a cigarette in front of my father.
He says, why don't you just put a loaded gun to your head and pull the trigger?
I can imagine I would, but I just don't think I'd get that same nicotine rush
from a bullet.
Thanks for the suggestion, though.
I visited my parents.
Every time I visit my parents, the thermostat is turned up higher in their
house.
It's getting so hot in there, the cat has shed all its birth.
Yeah.
Besides its dry pink skin, you know, we apply moisturizer.
And I'm feeling good these days.
You know, I have a girlfriend.
Her name is Lotion.
And, uh, that's her name.
She's really into fashion.
She loves her clothing.
She's very protective of her little outfits.
We'll be walking around.
She'll go, look at that bitch over there.
She's got my outfit on exactly.
Hey, God, relax, honey.
You know, she's just a bag lady.
You know, the other day she called me a quitter.
I just walked away, you know.
I don't need that kind of attitude in my life, you know.
Yeah.
And she said, Drake, you never make me climax.
I said, look, I don't make anybody do anything.
That's your little project from now on, okay?
I got my own climaxes to worry about here.
All righty.
Thank you very much.
It's been fun.
Thank you.
Okay.
Drake will be at Hilarity's, right?
March 27th and 28th in Cleveland.
And thanks for being here.
Nice job.
Thank you very much.
My thanks also to the lovely and talented Rickette and Bob Costas.
The lovely and talented Bob Costas.
Tomorrow, Catherine Herald, Lionel Hampton, and Stephen Peppers.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Our next guest is a very funny gentleman who will be performing at the Bumbershoots.
We have to do something about the names of these clubs.
Bumbershoots in Seattle on September 4th.
That's September 4th at Bumbershoots.
You've got to be embarrassed to go in there, don't you?
Nonetheless, a very funny gentleman.
Please welcome back to this program, Drake Sather.
Drake.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
How are you doing?
Good.
Does this thing clash with my outfit?
I think it does.
But it's good to be here, probably because I spent the day on Greyhound today.
Biggest underachievers in the world are on Greyhound.
Just the fact that you're on Greyhound, you're admitting you don't have to be
anywhere for a really long time.
Of course, Greyhound has a slogan, go Greyhound and leave the driving to us.
I guess that separates them from the other bus companies where the passengers
take turns at the wheel.
Went on a date the other night.
She refused to go to bed with me.
She said I had an adolescent attitude towards sex.
I just looked at her.
I said, you're wrong.
And furthermore, if you don't go to bed with me, I'm going to tell everyone you're
a lesbo.
I think there's a connection between fragrance and sexual attraction, though.
You have to be careful how you use it.
Because remember, last year I had a string of bad relationships.
Then I realized the cologne I was wearing was called a low self-esteem psycho
bitch.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Kind of a surprise applause there, but thanks.
It's good to be here.
My family's going nuts these days.
My sister had a baby, which is nice.
Babies have it made, don't they?
They're kind of fat and funny looking, and everyone just loves the hell out of
them.
You never see anyone walk away from a newborn saying, God, what a jerk.
What an annoying person that infant is.
Don't even talk to him.
Babies are kind of fat, but they don't diet.
I mean, let's face it.
If you're an infant, you lose five or six pounds.
You're gone.
You