Name: Alec Baldwin, Heather Graham, + Bonus on Late Show, April 1, 1998
Uploaded: 2017-06-12T03:03:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alec Baldwin, Heather Graham, + Bonus on Late Show, April 1, 1998' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alec Baldwin, Heather Graham, + Bonus on Late Show, April 1, 1998' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-12. Transcript available.

Alec Baldwin, Heather Graham, + Bonus on Late Show, April 1, 1998

one of the things i'd like to do before i retire i like to paul can you pull
some screen get me on
that oprah show i'd like to get on i got a few things i like to tell oprah like
what well about
my childhood i'm i'm willing to to break down and sob you are i'm willing to
just break down
in oprah's lap and just sob hold me oprah hold me hold me oprah hold me right
yeah well she'll
go for that no she won't well if you know give me yeah make it happen yeah no i'll
call right after
the show that'd be a culmination of a kind of mediocre career for me uh oh and
by the way that
guy from minnesota isn't that odd how life works here's a guy who couldn't get
into the show and
turns out he's on the show i'm gonna tell you something ladies gentlemen the
lord works in
mysterious ways uh between his talent and his very successful film career our
first guest has
truly earned the designation chief he stars in the new film mercury rising
which opens on friday here's
mr big screen himself alec baldwin as
thank you for being here so what you've been doing since i last saw you oh this
you know every night less than
less than
less than
less than
more than six weeks ago your life changed for the better i would think
congratulations to you and to your lovely wife
my wife my wife yeah
i bet this is
i bet this is the kind of thing that the two of you have talked about thought
about kidded about a little bit but what was that moment like for the two of
you as a family what was that
we were going in the car we were going in the limo to the show and it's you
know it's very nerve wracking
i mean really it's a nerve-wracking experience and you know we thought titanic
was going to win
everything and uh when she won she was absolutely uh dumbstruck she was thunderstruck
she couldn't believe it you know so much so that i really did have to lean over
and say to her get up
you know get up oh she was kind of paralyzed in the moment yeah oh and i just
looked at her like you have to go up there
they give you the statue
on tv
she kind of froze
so she was like maybe they'll bring it to the house or something yeah she was
like maybe she just stood up and kind of waved and thanked the crowd
and like she was at yankee stadium and there's kim bashing her in the crowd
thank you well like she was a retired ball player but how cool would that be
that
they call your name you're the winner and you just kind of give a little
thank you i'll see you at the party thank you
uh we have a former heavyweight champion in the house tonight kim basinger
i'm like what are you doing oh man so now uh when the things have changed
things have changed
yeah so i guess there's probably some teasing going on about it right at the
house i was doing this play here in new york i just finished
macbeth i was doing macbeth at the new york shakespeare festival we just closed
on sunday and they had these security guys who would bring us into the theater
and take us
to our car out of the theater every night angela bassett and this one guy he
was very quiet he didn't say one word to me the entire time of the run of the
show
i've been there for twelve weeks and one night he's taking me out of the
theater we're in the elevator it was just after i'd come back from kim winning
the oscar and we're in this elevator
you know looking up at the ceiling waiting to go down and he looks at me and he
goes well now we know who the real actor in your family is
oh thank you thank you very much
and my wife has changed i mean she's changed we'll be in the kitchen having
breakfast and i'll be talking to her and she'll say could you step that way you're
in my light
really that would be very disturbing i would think i'll take out the garbage
she'll say you're you're not gonna take the garbage out like that are you you're
not gonna do it that way
you're directing me now yeah uh it's too bad yeah but you're you're a fine
actor in your own but she actually she gave me a gift actually uh she thought
that i was feeling a little kind of ground down you know by being on the sidelines
all these last two weeks so she went out and bought me uh this uh uh this mug
here oh that's nice
now she told me now now she mentioned to me that you um that you sent her did
you send her the lemon tree
yeah she got the lemon tree she told me to say thank you my wife wanted me to
say to you thank you for the lemon tree
and thank you for the note that accompanied the lemon tree and i understand you
actually had some special warm wishes for me in the note that you sent to my
wife
yeah something what did you say something about my best alec
yeah my best he was he sent me his warmest good wishes yeah that's right
something like that in the letter yeah
i think it was something like now maybe you'll wise up and unload alec
right yeah something like that
my wife said he sent a plant with a letter that said you know when are you
gonna dump that boob husband of yours
i know something but you know once you've crossed the line of sending a citrus
tree all bets are off
we were we were lying in bed and uh you know we're looking out the window one
morning as we woke up and i said where did that i never saw that tree in the
and she yawned and she yawned and stressed oh dave said it to me
a little gift from dave
hey don't kid yourself have that thing sprayed immediately
yeah
um but anyway it's a good time for for you and her and you know and it's nice
congratulations
yeah it's been great
now when you when you're doing uh the shakespeare and like macbeth i mean this
is not something for the faint of heart this is not something for beginners i
mean my god you're right i don't know what i was thinking i don't know what i
was going through
who are these people you're working with are these like shakespearean scholars
these people are eighth degree black belt shakespeare actors they are all
really heavily juilliard and
Shakespeare actors. They are all really heavily Juilliard and Yale trained
people. And I was doing
the show and I, last time I'd done a Shakespeare production was when I was in
acting school here
in New York in 1979, I did Midsummer Night's Dream. So I go do this show, haven't
done Shakespeare in
like 19 years, you know, almost 20 years. And it was interesting. One of the
guys, like the second
day of rehearsal or the third day of rehearsal, this one guy came up to me and
said, he handed me
a card. And I said, what is this? He said, well, it's the name of a drama coach
that I know
here in New York. Just in case you wanted to work with someone, you know, for
your Shakespeare.
Don't you just want to drop the guy? Just poof him?
Yeah. Well, I wanted to stab him in the battle sequences we had. You know, he
literally gave
me this card. He was like, well, this is the name of a little acting coach.
Oh, man.
So you can kind of, you know, brush up under it.
So he's like buddies with the elevator operator or something.
Yeah. I think that they were, yeah, they were looking at some scams.
You know, I'm sorry. You had a birthday recently, huh? 40?
My birthday is Friday, April 3rd.
Oh, this is coming. April 3rd. Really?
No, let me ask you quickly. Who do you share your birthday? You're a famous
person. What
other famous people are born on your birthday? I have a very odd menagerie of
people on my
birthday.
Um, Wink Martindale, I think.
Wink Martindale?
No, really? You don't know?
I don't. I'm not sure.
You never got one of those little desk calendars or lists?
I do, but you know, it's the kind of thing I forget.
I'm busy setting out fruit trees.
Some botanist you shared.
But, no, my birthday is the same day as Wayne Newton, Marlon Brando, Eddie
Murphy, and Doris
Day.
Wow.
Isn't that wild?
Well, that's pretty good. That's a pretty good assortment.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm having them all over.
Um.
So, no.
We're going to have lemonade together.
But now, you don't seem like you've kind of got to be bothered by a milestone
birthday.
Well, you know, I was mentioning to somebody the other day, I used to play
football in Central
Park, and my father said to me one thing. My father said, you know you're old
when all
the cops and all the professional baseball players are younger than you. That's
when you
know you've turned old.
Right.
And I used to play football in Central Park, and then when I was in Los Angeles,
I would
play with these other friends of mine. And I'll never forget, one time I was
playing
last fall, and the opposing team was on defense, and they were choosing who was
going to cover
who.
Sure.
And this one guy turned, well, one guy said, I got the guy in the green shirt.
The other
guy says, I got the guy in the blue shirt. And the one guy covered me, he says,
I'll take
the old guy.
My God.
And I, you know what I mean?
It's just like a target.
And he was 19 years old, and he hit me as hard as he could, and flattened me,
and knocked
me on my back, and then he stood over me, my prone body, whooping. I thought he
was going
to bend down and cut my scalp off, and hang it up, and put it on a spear or
something.
You know, this is very, I'm sorry to hear this, because I get a picture of you
now as just a
whipping boy. You're getting it from everybody.
I'm getting it from the motion picture academy.
No, no, that's a fine.
Talk show hosts.
Citrus growers.
You are in the movie Mercury Rising.
I did the movie Mercury Rising.
That's a good story here, and it's you and Bruce Willis.
I did a movie with Bruce Willis, and Bruce is a doll. I had a lot of fun
working with
Bruce, but it is very odd, and it's kind of a unique experience for me, to be
the second
banana in a movie, especially the big, you know, $100 million blowout kind of
Bruce Willis
movie, where they just do things, you know, on a financial scale.
They defer to him, fall all over themselves.
Well, that's part of it, too. I mean, like, I would come to work, and they
would say, you
know, they'll say, oh, we have a banquet sequence. And in this sequence, Bruce,
you know, he smacks
you across the face. And you come to the rehearsal the next day, and they go,
no, we're going to, Bruce is going to kick you in the chest in front of all the
guests.
Then they go, Bruce is going to smash your face through a china closet, grind
your face into the broken glass in front of the guests.
And you're the second man, and you're going, great, and Bruce signed off on
that? You're like, fantastic.
Then you come to rehearsal day four, and they go, we've cut the whole banquet
sequence, we're going to put it in the men's room, because Bruce wants to put
your face right in the toilet bowl.
You thought it would be really, the villain would really be best served, having
his face mashed into the toilet bowl by Bruce.
Yeah, sure.
And I go, I love it, I think it's fantastic.
Yeah.
It's his movie. You're like, oh, I think it's great.
You talk to me later about representation, will you?
Yeah.
All right.
The film, Mercury Rising, opens on, oh, on your birthday.
On mine and Eddie Murphy's birthday.
Well, that's a great day for you. Thank you. Nice to see you.
Thank you.
Alec Baldwin, ladies and gentlemen. Academy Award winner.
Alec Baldwin.
Let's go to right back with Heather Graham.
Here now, Paul, it's a list of people. My birthday is April 12th. Here now,
like Alec was talking about, famous.
Here's now, people also born on April 12th. They have the birthday in common.
April 12th, me, David Cassidy, Beverly Clearly, Claire Danes, Willie Blue Moon
Watts.
Did you know that?
I did not know that.
Right.
Yeah.
That's right.
Right.
Nice share of birth.
Right on time.
See, right there, I could tell that anecdote on Oprah.
Absolutely.
I got plenty of stories to tell Oprah.
I'll get you on there.
All right. Thank you.
Our next guest has starred as Roller Girl in the critically acclaimed film Boogie
Nights, and her new motion picture, Lost in Space, opens Friday.
Here's the very lovely Heather Graham.
Oh, Heather.
Welcome back to the show.
Thank you. It's so great to be here.
You look lovely. You look, this is a v