Name: Brother Theodore Complete Collection on Letterman, 1982-89
Uploaded: 2017-06-18T18:13:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Brother Theodore Complete Collection on Letterman, 1982-89' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Brother Theodore Complete Collection on Letterman, 1982-89' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-18. Transcript available.

Brother Theodore Complete Collection on Letterman, 1982-89

Hi and hello and welcome back to our show.
This is an unbelievable show we have tonight.
A visit to Roosevelt Island, elevator races,
the man to first break the speed of sound, Chuck Yeager,
Marshall Crenshaw, Marv Albert,
will be helping us out with the elevator races.
And everybody in the studio audience tonight gets free appliances,
so it's quite a night.
My first guest is Brother Theodore.
Now, if you've never seen him work before,
this is going to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
He is a philosopher, metaphysician, and podiatrist.
As he admits in his own philosophical way,
TV without Brother Theodore is like a rose without a thorn.
Please sit back now, phone the relatives, and welcome Brother Theodore.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I had intended to speak tonight on pea green pimples.
And over there in Europe, it was this very subject which earned me my
reputation as a top conversationalist and fiery orator.
Theodore.
No matter when or where I spoke in those days,
the crowd would storm the platform, knocking each other down,
simply to get near me and tighten my suspenders.
Theodore.
Mothers would hold up their unborn brats and shout for a blessing.
Duchesses would laugh shrilly and dance like dervishes.
Princesses would roll on the ground and beseech me for strictly personal
treatment.
Husky men would turn aside to hide their tears.
Husky men would turn aside to hide their tears.
And wherever I went, the sick in heart, same day cleaners, women's clubs, horse
flies, would follow me in a whirlwind of ecstasy and settle down on my
shoulders.
Americans are different, not quite so emotional, not quite so pimple conscious,
and that is probably why it was suggested that I now select something which
comes closer to your conception of sophisticated television fare.
My friends, today, as some of you probably know, today commemorates the
anniversary of the death of Willi Baltz Winnaker,
critic, poet, playwright, who in 1909 died of running ears and athlete's foot.
Just before kicking the bucket, Winnaker managed to scribble a note of poetic
farewell to Anna Memelman.
Anna Memelman, no good hussy and cheap floozy.
Anna Memelman, lady of his lifelong love.
Little did he know that these last simple words were to become a milestone in
German literature.
We are to sing on in the hearts of millions.
The translation you are about to hear is the only one in existence.
And I hope I have succeeded in capturing some of the witching, haunting, and,
as I might say,
wombly brecular mood of the original, the chaste happiness of its rhythm, the
logamundidi of its goo-goo.
Winnaker's poem is entitled, "To Anna."
Why do you think it is entitled to Anna?
Precisely, "To Anna."
Thank you, sir. I'm squirming with delight to meet an intellectual colossus.
You are absolutely right, Winnaker's poem is entitled to Anna because the girl's
name was Anna.
And if you consider that the girl's name was Anna, wouldn't it be perfectly
foolish, revolting, and ridiculous
to have the poem entitled "To Flora Bill."
We are not prisoners of logic here, I know that.
But let's not get too sloppy in our thinking, please.
Oh, Anna, beloved one of all my senses, I yearn for you.
You, of you, to you, you, I to you, you to me.
Who arest thou, mysterious maiden? Arest thou, people say, thou arest.
Let them talk.
Thou wearest thou, thou wearest thy hat on thy feet, thou wearest thy hat on
thy feet,
and walkest on thy hands, on thy hands, thou walkest.
Black, I love you, Anna.
I love black to you, you, of you, to you, you.
I to you, you to me, we, we, we, we.
Oh, Anna fair, purple is the crimson of thy yellow hair.
Oh, Anna blue, golden is the tinkling of thy kangaroo.
Thou homely maiden in everyday dress, thou self-appointed kangaroo, I, I love
to you.
And I'm going to give it to you, good and hot.
I'm going to give it to you, good and hot, smack in the entertainment center.
And you know, Anna, es gibt zwei Sortenratten, die hungrigen und die satten.
Die satten bleiben vergnübt.
Die hungrigen aber wandern aus.
Sie wandern viel tausend Meilen, ganz unterrasten und weilen.
Choros, in here I'm going to begin now.
No use, no use, no use.
The infantile gigglers keep giggling.
The smartality smirklers keep smirkeling.
A house full of pigs ganging up on one butterfly.
I don't blame you, my friends, I blame myself.
I should have known better.
Man shouldn't try to sell roses in a fish market.
Because of your boorish behavior.
Because of your rudeness.
Because of your tactlessness.
Because of your obvious lack of understanding.
The German anthem will be omitted tonight.
That's right.
Omitted.
Omitted.
Omitted.
Brother Theodore, we'll be right back to talk with this man after you take a
look at this.
Thank you Paul.
Thank you very much.
Welcome back to our show.
Brother Theodore is here with us now in the introduction.
Metaphysician, philosopher, podiatrist.
Would you like to be Dr. Theodore as opposed to brother Theodore?
This is totally optional.
Optional?
Optional.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Suit yourself.
Please do.
You don't strike me as a real easy going guy.
Well, David, we just met.
That's right.
How can you possibly say I don't strike you as this or can strike you as that?
I am in my personal life a very, very tender, soft, sweet, dumb person.
As a girl here in the audience, she calls me her little schnappsy bopsy, so I
mean, I'm
easy going.
I'm an easy going guy and that's it.
Now, would you describe yourself as being a pessimist though?
You seem, you called this fine audience a house of pigs.
But should I have called them a house of crocodiles?
No, no, no, this is a fine group of folks we assemble here nightly.
Would you say that you are a pessimist?
Well, I feel any intelligent person has to be a pessimist.
I feel bad when I feel good.
And I'm afraid I feel worse when I feel better and I think there's a good
reason for that.
But look around, this is not a world in which roses stay roses for long.
The moment we are born, we are old enough to die, life is a fatal disease.
From hour to hour we ripen and ripen and ripen and then from hour to hour we
rot and rot and rot and rot and rot.
It is my sincere wish, David.
It is my sincere wish that immediately after my death my head be severed from
my body and that it be replaced by a bouquet of broccoli.
It's the artist in me.
To me beauty is always beauty.
Especially when it is ugly.
To me the most nourishing part of an apple is always the worm.
A worm a day keeps the doctor away.
Two worms a day keep two doctors away.
Three worms a day keep three doctors away.
Three worms a day keep three doctors away.
Four worms a day keep four doctors away.
Two thousand three hundred forty-five worms a day keep two thousand three
hundred forty-five doctors away.
And that's a conservative guess.
Kind of shot in the dark there.
Thank you both for this spontaneous outbreak of deafening applause.
Brother Theodore, it was a pleasure to meet you.
I want to thank you for being here tonight.
I enjoyed it a great deal.
And any time, please come back and see us again.
Yeah, I want a short interview next time.
Alright, we'll try to arrange that.
Brother Theodore, we'll be right back.
Hi, I'm Larry Bud Melman, here to tell you about all the hubbub at Melman bus
lines.
We're changing the numbers on every bus.
Soon our number one bus will be the number two.
And our number two bus will be the number two.
And our number two bus will be the number two.
And our number two bus will be the number two.
And our number two bus will be the number two.
And our number two bus will be the number two bus.
And our number two bus will be the number two bus.
And our number two bus will be the number three.
And our number two bus will be the number three.
It's complicated, I know.
But leave the mathematics to us.
All you have to do is sit back, relax, and travel in pride,
knowing you're riding a bus with a shiny new number.
And by the way, in case you're wondering,
when it comes to numbers at Melman,
you, the passenger, are always number one.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hello there and welcome back to the program.
My first guest tonight is making a return appearance here.
The last time he was on the show, he called himself a philosopher,
a metaphysician, and a podiatrist.
He is a very unique individual with a very unique view on life.
Please welcome Brother Theodore.
Thank you very much for being back on the program.
What do people call you?
Should I call you Brother Theodore or Theodore or...
I suppose Ted is out of the question, huh?
Well, you may call me Adorable Teddy Bear.
No, I won't be doing that.
Brother Theodore or...
Brother Theodore, anything is okay.
Theodore.
Theodore.
Let's...
No, we read the introduction there, which is a little joke and so forth.
Let's tell the folks what it is you do for a living.
This is nearly impossible, you know.
This is one of the questions I dread.
Oh yeah, I certainly have selected a good one then, haven't I?
My brochure tells very clearly what I'm doing.
I'm a philosopher, a metaphysician, and a podiatrist.
And from these areas, you earn a living?
From these areas combined, I do earn a rather meager livelihood.
Mm-hmm.
Now, you're also, you're a performer in addition.
Yes, I'm a performer, and I'm very upset that today I'm forbidden to perform.
Yeah, I was forbidden to perform, ladies and gentlemen.
My boss, the handsome young prince, the gorgeous, handsome, witty, charming
young prince, forbade
me, forbade me to perform because he feels that if I perform, you will think I'm
insane,
which I am, but not in the way you think.
So now I'm supposed to give a cultured, quiet, well-modulated interview, and I
will probably be asked the usual questions,
what I have for breakfast.
That's the question.
Yeah.
Now, now you want, let's clear this up, you're just, you're being silly.
No, nobody's forbidding you to do anything, are they?
Well, it wasn't a word forbidding, it's too strong, but I was told on the
telephone that I should refrain.
No.
I should refrain from being strong, interesting, brilliant, witty.
All this is no good.
Today, they want to find out what makes me really tick.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I mean, that's true.
Yeah, that's true.
But the last time you were on the show, you performed, and what happened was we
didn't
get enough time to talk to you afterwards, so the thinking was this time we'll
just talk,
and then you can perform another time.
I try my very, very best to be cooperative, and please you.
Mm-hmm.
Well, you're doing a fine job so far.
Now, I know on other television programs, people have actually hissed and booed
you, haven't
they?
No.
On these other television shows, I was ordered to be hissed.
I was ordered, for instance, I remember very clearly, on the Merv Griffin show,
he had
this guest, what is his name, this horrible, horrible comedian, I forgot his
name.
Well, no, let's get to his name.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I really forgot him.
He was very famous in those days, isn't that true?
And I think Merv detested him.
He absolutely detested him.
But as he was, for one and a half hours, his favorite guest, who sat there all
the time,
the producer of the show, said to me in the last minute before I came out, "Give
it to
him good.
Be nasty to him."
Mm-hmm.
And we almost came to blows.
The audience that had come to see him, and not me, hissed every word I said,
and glorified
him, but the end result was that when the letters and telegrams came in, the
audience was for
me and not for him.
The audience that had come to see him were for him.
And you won them over?
And I won them, no, I didn't won them over.
You didn't win them over?
No, no.
I won the audiences at home.
Oh, the folks at home, the home viewers.
Yeah.
Well, we're gonna continue talking with Brother Theodore about anything you
wanna talk about.
You're not forbidden to do anything, and we'll be right back.
Well, and welcome back to the show.
This gentleman, of course, is Brother Theodore.
Tomorrow night on our program, 