Name: Viewer Mail and Remote on Letterman, April 7 & 14, 1989
Uploaded: 2017-06-23T01:34:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail and Remote on Letterman, April 7 & 14, 1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail and Remote on Letterman, April 7 & 14, 1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-23. Transcript available.

Nice to see you, honey.
You know, I've been wanting to ask you something for a long time.
What is that, Paul?
You know the stuff that we do at the beginning of the show, the banter back and
forth?
Yes, our little chatting exchanger.
How much of that is written?
Oh, all of it, down to every last period.
That's what I thought. I always knew that was written.
How are you doing?
Paul, I don't strike you as an ingrate, do I?
Absolutely no.
Do I strike you as a crank, a cynic?
No. Well...
Certainly not a cynic.
Well, let me just tell you a little something that happened to me in the last
24 hours,
and we'll see what you think.
We're on the NBC television network here.
NBC, National Broadcasting Company.
Corporation.
Yeah, whatever.
They've been in business forever.
I've had an association with NBC since 1977, 1978.
You've been here how long?
I've been here seven and a half...
Well, no, I've been here, including Saturday Night Live, 15 years.
So the two of us, we represent a long time here at this network.
Two lifetimes with NBC.
Well, it just so happens that today kicks off the week-long birthday gala
celebration for me.
I'm having a birthday this week.
So we understand.
That's right.
I'll be 42 on Wednesday, and none of this is all that important.
So, I can't tell you how excited I am.
Today, I received my gift from NBC.
Ah.
What was the year?
I have it right here.
Let's see what they gave you for your 42nd birthday.
What exactly is that?
What is it?
We're not sure.
I thought, you know, for a while, we think maybe they thought I had a monkey,
and they
said, well, we'll get him a hat for his monkey.
But that's it.
It's this.
It's this lovely, lovely all-purpose gift item.
And to me, it says, happy 42nd day.
Well, I thank God for the Home Shopping Network.
Am I right, ladies and gentlemen?
I don't know.
I don't know, but I'm touched.
I can see that.
What do you do?
Like mints?
Paperclips?
It's a what, Bill?
Oh, thank God.
It's a coaster.
Now I feel 100% better.
Bill knows what it is.
It's a practice puck.
Well, it will certainly find a place of honor in my home.
You're 42, Dave.
Here's a coaster.
I must be doing something right.
Let's do our viewer mail.
This is actual viewer mail, ladies and gentlemen.
These are actual letters from...
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
You know what?
I'll bet Dave needs a coaster.
Letter number one.
Dear Dave, do you and Paul ever find yourselves without something to do at 12.30
a.m.?
Just wondering, John and Doug, Sunshine, Baltimore, Maryland.
Oh, look.
Paul is from the Sunshine Boys.
Don and Doug.
John and Doug.
Do we ever find ourselves without something to do at 12.30 a.m. when the show
is being aired?
No.
We often find ourselves without something to do at 5.30 p.m. when the show is
being taped.
Paul, we have snacks if you get a little hungry later.
Thank you.
In the birthday coaster, I bet that's what Michael Landon got for his birthday,
too.
Dear Dave, do you pay people to sit in your audience, or do they actually waste
precious minutes of their life coming on their own?
Shane Woodward, Barrie, Massachusetts.
Well, believe me, Shane, we realize how precious our viewers' time is, and we
are grateful for the laughter and applause which they give up so freely.
And that's why we're happy to let them know exactly how much of their lives is
being wasted with this giant clock.
How could we get a shot of the big clock that lets them know just how close
they are to the end?
There it is, right there.
Kind of a cheerful little item.
That's about an $8 item.
That's about an $8 item.
Letter number three.
Dear Mr. Letterman, greetings from the Harvard University band.
I personally would like to say that I am a great fan of yours and never miss a
show.
Parentheses, well, almost never.
Jim Nicklaus, class of 90, drill master, Harvard University, Cambridge,
Massachusetts.
Oh, boy, Harvard.
Wow, my old alma mater.
Jeez, I can remember my days there on campus like it was yesterday.
Dave?
What a wonderful time.
Dave?
What?
Excuse me?
What?
Well, you know, you get to do so many flashbacks and I've never even done one,
so couldn't I have this one?
Well, no, of course.
I'm just about to start a flashback.
You can't do this.
You've never done one by yourself.
You wouldn't know what to do.
No.
If you want to, you can join me in this one, but you're not ready to do one by
yourself.
I really think I could handle it by myself.
What?
I can do it by myself.
Really?
Yeah.
By yourself?
Yeah, I can do it.
The whole flashback?
I'm pretty sure I can.
All right.
All right.
But be careful, Anton.
Well, thanks a lot, Dave.
Oh, Harvard, my old alma mater.
I remember my days there as if it was only yesterday.
I never worked so hard in my life, but somehow I found the time to fall in love.
Everything would have been fine if that stupid pizza delivery guy hadn't gotten
in the way.
I didn't mean to kill him.
I can't stand clumsiness.
The cops would have got me for sure, but a fleet of flying saucers appeared,
whisking me away to their distant planet, where I was crowned as their king.
Dave, Dave, I can't figure out how to end this flashback.
Get me out of here.
Help!
Help!
Oh, Dave, my God, you were right.
I was in way over my head.
Well, I thought maybe that would happen.
That's okay, but we all have to learn that lesson for ourselves.
He's been way over his head on the flashback.
I can hardly wait until I turn 43.
What's then?
A ballpoint pen?
Wow, what the hell was that?
Let's see.
I could have used some gum also this year.
Letter number four.
Dear Dave, dear sir, I believe while trying to remain aloof and detached,
Mr. Letterman has become starved for affection and is in sorry need of a hug.
Dearly, Hillary L. Hoo-ha.
Well, Ms. Hoo-ha, you're right.
I, frankly, have been under a lot of pressure lately,
and I guess, sure, yeah, I could certainly use a hug.
Why not?
What would be a...
You know, I've been thinking, I've been so insensitive
of thinking only of myself and ignoring your needs.
Come here, you big...
Oh, come on.
Come on, you salami.
Salami.
Thank you.
That's very nice of you.
Actually, I feel great.
Well, hi.
Hi, sweetie.
How are you?
Mr. Letterman?
Yes?
I think you're awful nice.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Can I give you a hug, too?
Oh, sure.
That'd be great.
Oh, there.
I feel much better now.
That's wonderful.
Thank you, honey.
Well, you know, you know something?
Here we are, already feeling so warm, and out of the blue,
a big furry teddy bear wanders in.
Oh, boy, that's great.
And he gives us a hug, too.
That was great.
That's very nice.
Thank you very much, everybody.
You know, I think...
I feel so much better, and I think that really generally
restores faith in mankind for me and, I think, everybody else.
Boy, I'll say it does.
Just think how great the world would be
if we could just tap into love.
Exactly.
That would be perfect.
Hey, wait a second.
What's the matter?
My wallet's gone.
Huh?
Scott, my wallet is gone.
Oh, crap.
So's mine.
Oh, no.
What the hell?
Hey, look at that.
That damn table.
By those punks.
There they go.
Get them.
Get them.
Damn.
Damn.
Boy, that stinks.
That's terrible.
Yeah.
You can't be too careful.
You can't be too careful.
No.
I'll be over here.
You'll be over there.
Yeah.
All right.
We have a great show.
Kelly McGillis is here, the Bee Experts,
and also Bonnie Raitt.
Come on back if you can.
That exotic poultry.
Yeah.
Last year, this network, NBC, made a profit of over $800 billion.
$800 billion.
And this particular program was responsible for earning about half of that.
Now, that's the truth.
So when Brandon Tartikoff, the president of NBC Entertainment, if you can call
it that,
sent me a birthday gift that seemed a little inexpensive,
I thought it would be a good idea to get a second opinion.
Hi. This gentleman is Jamie Ross.
Tell the folks what you do for a living.
Well, we buy and sell precious metals.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a birthday.
It's not important how old I am, but I had a birthday.
By the way, how old do you think I am?
45.
Do I look 45, do you?
Well, you look about 45, I'd say.
Oh, Christ.
Well, let's go back to the office.
Anyway, so NBC sent me a gift because it was my birthday.
And unless I'm completely wrong about this, I think what they sent me was a
piece of junk.
So I'm here just to kind of set the record straight and evaluate the gift that
they gave me.
Here it is.
Get ready.
And maybe we could, as I produce this, we can add some kind of a lovely
dramatic crescendo.
Oh, boy.
The junk.
Well, we weren't even sure what it was.
We thought perhaps if I had a monkey and an organ, it'd be a lovely hat for my
monkey.
But anyway, here it is.
It's got a little felt bottom on it.
It's like plastic of some sort.
Most bottoms should be felt, don't you think?
Hey, what's that camera?
Are you doing your own show?
Kind of.
Now there's a big camera over there.
Okay.
What are you going to do now?
We're going to do a scratch a bit of it off, and we're going to put a little
bit of nitric acid on it.
Gosh, I hope you don't ruin it.
Well, just from scratching, I can tell you that I don't think it's over.
I really doubt very much they spent much more than $10, and if you like, what
we can do is melt it into a little button.
Oh, can you do that?
Oh, sure.
Yeah, take it apart.
Okay, so now we're going to dismantle the item.
Hi, how are you?
Okay, this is Doran.
Nice to see you.
Doran, David.
I'd like to see that Leonard fight happen.
As if it worked.
Oh, never mind.
It's my birthday gift.
Well, so far, so good.
Man, that's top-quality scrap lumber right there.
You couldn't help me with a couple of cuticles I'm having trouble with, could
you?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Did you ever work at Burger King?
It's flame-boiling, you know.
Oh, there's my birthday gift.
Do it every time.
I love that joke.
Excuse me, Mr. Ehrenman?
Yeah.
Hi.
My name's Dave Letterman.
By the way, how old a man do you think I am?
You're 50.
All right, so anyway, what we want to do is engrave something and put it on
there.
Can you do that for us?
No problem.
Okay, great.
What do you want engraved?
It should be to Brandon, love, Dave.
Okay.
We're more than tripling the value of the initial gift by adding the engraving
to it.
Wow.
Can you see that, Carl?
It's better now than when we started.
Yeah, absolutely.
I have a birthday gift here that was given to me from Brandon Tartikoff.
How old a man do you think I am, by the way?
I just had a birthday.
About 35.
Yeah, that's about it, just about 35.
So there's the gift.
We need a box.
Yeah, that's all right.
Two Brandon, love, Dave.
Okay.
Yeah, okay, and a little bag.
That's good.
How much do we owe you for this?
Three dollars, and your piece of jewelry's in the bag.
There you are.
Thank you very much.
Piece of jewelry.
See, we've elevated it now to from a piece of crap to a piece of jewelry.
From a piece of crap to a beautiful engraved piece of the box.
Thank you very much, Tracy.
Nice meeting you.
Bye-bye.
Have a good week.
Thank you.
Well, we have it here.
We're going to mail this to Brandon Tartikoff.
It's gone.
It's gone.
I don't know.
It's been stolen.
Where is the lovely piece of, uh...
Huh?
What?
Oh, there's hysteria taking place back there.
Now, Gaines, where is it?
What?
Huh?
It's gone.
Where it fell out of...
Oh, thank God.
It's back.
Barbara Gaines, ladies and gentlemen.
All right.
We have to do a commercial.
Exotic poultry next.
Don't go to bed.