Name: David Letterman's Gasoline Story on Late Letterman, July 1987
Uploaded: 2017-06-28T23:37:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman's Gasoline Story on Late Letterman, July 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman's Gasoline Story on Late Letterman, July 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-28. Transcript available.

Did you have a nice night last night, Paul?
I did. What was yesterday, anyway?
Monday.
Monday night.
Yeah.
Yeah, I have no idea where I was. Where were you last night?
Where were you last night?
I had something happen to me last night that hasn't happened to me in years.
Hasn't happened to me in a long, long time.
What?
A guy called the police on me.
Really? What happened?
Well, I was trying to get gas from my car,
and the guy said if I didn't get out of his gasoline station,
he would call the police, and so he did.
And he accused me of being a wise guy.
Did you really see anything happening to you?
Yeah, well, they're cracking down on this wise guy thing.
Well, what were you doing?
Hitting them with those crazy top ten lists in there or something?
Driving them nuts?
I was just trying to get gas from my car.
My car ran out of gas on the Hutchinson Parkway on the way home,
and some people, very nice people, pushed me to a safe place for the car,
and they took me to the gas station.
It's a mobile station in New Rochelle.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the guy wouldn't sell me gas, wouldn't let me have the can,
wouldn't give me a ride, and then he called the police on me.
Okay.
What are we going to do tonight?
Anything?
I don't suppose we could start this one over.
Is there any chance we could...
Yeah, I guess not.
Reverent in here, isn't it?
Reverential?
Brine-like.
Our top ten list tonight.
I'm losing the will to live, Paul.
You know, last night, something came up during our little exchange here.
I ran out of gas a couple of nights ago, and in trying to get gas,
this guy at this mobile station,
not only wouldn't give me the gas, he wouldn't give me the can,
he wouldn't give me a ride,
he actually, actually called the police on me.
Call the police on you, yeah.
Now, to me, the more I think about this, the uglier that is.
I mean, that's not how we help our fellow man through life in the 80s, is it?
By calling the police on him when they're in need?
I'm America's most beloved television personality.
Yeah, yeah, granted, so, yeah.
It wouldn't be like calling the cops on one of the Cosby kids.
I mean, that's...
It's the middle of the night.
I got nowhere to go.
I got no gas.
And he calls the police on me.
And the charges, I was being a wise guy.
Those were the charges.
I'm surprised I can't get more sympathy on this topic.
I mean, doesn't it stun you that they...
Well, I guess we just can't...
Now, don't patronize me, ladies and gentlemen.
I guess I'm finding it hard to believe that a guy kicked you out of his service
station.
Kicked me out, asked me to leave, and spit food all over me.
He was eating, and the more aggravated he became, the more he would spit food
on me.
So where is he located, then?
It's the mobile station on, uh...
Anybody up there?
Yeah.
Do you know the guy?
Yeah.
Is he kind of a neighborhood crank?
He's a big guy, though.
He is a big guy.
Right, exactly.
He is a big guy.
But I stood there.
I stood my ground.
I waited until the police came.
You would have been proud of me.
And then I went down the street, and a guy named Sammy helped me.
Albert and Sammy, down the street.
They were kind enough to help me.
There were no police when Albert and Sammy were there to help me get my gas
into my car.
And then Dante drove me down to my car.
Dante took me down there.
But not Mr. Mobile, though.
Mr. Big Shot Corporate Oil Guy.
So is Dante your driver now?
You might have a little position for Dante on the staff here.
Oh, I like it when it gets this quiet, don't you?
Let's do a...
What do you want to do?
I've got so many things to tell you people about, but I know you don't care.
In fact, you're probably not even watching at this point, are you?
I didn't think so.
It's like a museum tour in here now.
Well, it's a good place to meet girls.
Yeah, did someone...
Here we go.
What the hell are we doing?
Oh, you know, Paul, I am still sore about this thing Monday night.
I, me, I'm driving home Monday night.
My car runs out of gas on a major, major metropolitan highway here in the
Northeast.
And I'm just seconds from being roadkill on the hutch.
A nice couple are kind enough to stop their car and help me push my car off.
And then they take me to a gasoline station.
And the guy at the gasoline station, instead of helping me,
instead of giving me gas, selling me gas,
he calls the police on me.
Calls the police on me, Paul.
So he didn't, in other words, he didn't help you out.
No.
At all.
And he, uh, he called you a wise guy.
That's right.
Well, it's kind of rude, but...
Did I mention that?
Did I mention that he called me a wise guy?
Yeah, well, I think...
Aren't you making...
I know, but I think from that episode earlier, you see...
I think you've been, I think you've been making a little bit too big a deal out
of...
Is that right?
Well, I, see, I don't think I'm getting enough sympathy on this deal,
because if you only knew the entire story,
I go in there, I need help, I'm out of gas,
and I need a guy to help me,
and instead of helping me, he accuses me of being a wise guy,
and he calls the police.
Why don't you just, all right, start, if you must then,
start at the beginning, tell us every detail of the story,
as vividly as you remember it.
Make the story come to life for us.
Tell us the whole story.
Okay.
Because that's what the audience seems to want, I will.
All right.
Monday night.
Monday night, about 8.30 or 9 o'clock,
I'm driving home from work,
and, of course, it's dark at that point.
My car suddenly is making very strange noises there on the highway,
and it, uh...
I can almost picture it myself.
Don't worry, boss.
I sprinkled those nails all over the expressway,
just like you said.
We're getting a lot of tire business.
Excuse me, sir.
I wonder if you could help me...
Can't you see I'm on the phone, wise guy?
I'm sorry.
So long, boss.
Some jerk with a bad haircut just came in.
Uh, yeah.
Listen, I'm sorry to bother you,
but my car apparently has run out of gas, and I'm...
All your horses.
You want to buy some fireworks, kid?
Please, sir.
Could I have some air for my tire?
Oh, sure, sweetheart.
For ten bucks.
Now beat it.
Okay, what can I do for you, wise guy?
Uh, well, all I need to do is buy a can full of gas so I can get back to the
high gas...
Hold on, hold on.
What's the problem, gals?
Sir, we left the headlights on last night, and now our car won't start.
Well, you know what that is.
You've just run down the battery.
You just get a new charge in there.
Shut up, wise guy.
Listen, sister, you're going to need a complete overhaul.
Now get this tub over on the rack.
Okay, let's move it.
You still here?
You know, you're getting on my nerves.
Uh, you know, all I need to do is just buy some gas, and I can put it in my car,
and then...
Yeah, I just want to buy some gas.
Read my lips.
Hey, seed.
Beat it.
You know, you are being unnecessarily rude.
And what I'm going to do, I'm going to teach you a lesson by reporting you to
the Bitter Business Bureau.
Hey, you ain't calling nobody.
What do you think this is?
You know, here pulling that Ralph Nader stuff on me.
Why, I'll show you one roast wise guy coming up.
And that's exactly how it happened.
So, Dave, according to your story, then, the guy was not only rude, but in fact,
a cold-blooded murderer, is that correct?
Exactly.
Is that correct?
Well, no wonder you were upset.
That's right.
We have a wonderful program here for you tonight, folks.
Connie Chung is going to be here, and Charlie Kerfeld from the Houston Astros,
and also Jake Johansson will be out here in a couple of minutes.
So, join us, won't you, as we continue.
Music by Ben Thede