Name: Restaurant Etiquette on Letterman, April 5, 1983
Uploaded: 2017-06-29T18:47:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Restaurant Etiquette on Letterman, April 5, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Restaurant Etiquette on Letterman, April 5, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-29. Transcript available.

And it's Tuesday night, and that, of course, means it's time once again for
another one of our wonderful etiquette pieces.
One of the pleasures of living in a big city like New York is the chance to try
out a lot of great restaurants.
So tonight, I would like to share some tips with you folks on how to dine out.
Walk this way, if you will, won't you?
Yes, tips on dining out. Thank you very much, Paul.
Tips on dining out.
Now, first of all, it startled me.
You know, you can tell an awful lot about a restaurant by the cars in the
parking lot.
Don't eat at a restaurant that has its own ambulance service.
Now, I say, don't eat at a restaurant if it has its own ambulance service.
Okay, also, if more than one customer arrives on a riding mower, think twice
about going in.
Thank you very much.
You're thinking twice about coming in yourself.
Now, you can also tell a lot about a restaurant by the name.
Here are some key words to watch for.
For example, the Burger Experience, Burgers and Things, Burger Emporium.
Emporium is the key word here.
Also, the Great American Burger Works purveyors of great and grog.
All of these combined mean only one thing.
High school kids working with a microwave oven.
Now, just look for a simple, straightforward name, like Ed's Burgers, for
example.
That way, there's always somebody you can hold responsible if the food is awful.
Oh, now, this looks promising.
You must be Ed.
Good evening.
I'm Ed.
No, I'm not.
Okay, let's try this once again.
Both of you, just go out and we'll try it.
All over it.
This will be fun, Helene.
We'll get this squared away.
Okay, simple name, Ed's Burgers.
Now, Ed's Burgers.
Oh, well.
Good evening.
Good evening.
Now, this looks promising.
Are you Ed?
No, I'm not.
Uh-huh.
I'm Ed.
You're Ed.
Well, this is Ed right here.
Well, apparently, they're serving rather large portions.
Now, next, ask to see a menu.
Thank you very much.
The menu, by the way, should be on a piece of paper, not on a canoe paddle, not
on a bottle,
not a railroad tie, not a dressmaker's mannequin, not a tractor seat, not a
human organ.
Now, ask to see a waitress.
Can I see a waitress, please?
Now, if she appears costumed...
Ahoy, me hearties!
...and says anything other than, hello, may I help you, this is the time to
leave.
Thank you very much, folks.
I have to leave.
Every living member of my family just went into surgery.
Thank you very much.
Now, let's find another restaurant.
Debbie's.
Now, this looks like a pretty good place.
You can't go too badly wrong with a place named Debbie's.
Could I see Debbie, please?
I'm Debbie.
Yeah.
May I...
May I see a menu, Debbie?
Thank you very much.
Why, Debbie, this menu says Denny's.
I thought this place was Debbie's.
Debbie's, Denny's, what's two letters?
Well, now, this is not a good sign.
When a restaurant gives you a menu, it ought to be their own.
But for the sake of the argument, let's go on any, shall we?
Well, how many are you today?
Well, for some reason, waiters always ask this.
Simply ignore them.
They do it to annoy you, and it doesn't really mean anything anyway.
To you, perhaps.
Obviously, you don't know Zen.
In this river that is life, we are all many.
I am the sky, a bird, a drop of glistening dew.
Each of us is all there is.
How many are you today?
Well, Debbie, I'm still just one.
Oh, that's very beautiful.
Can I show you to a table?
Well, sure, Debbie.
Now, be very particular about choosing your table.
Real gourmets like to sit near the kitchen.
This way, the sounds you overhear will help you to understand the subtlety of
the cuisine.
Let's listen, shall we?
Oh, I still feel awful.
The doctor thinks it's the mumps.
Quit complaining.
Did you bone those weasels?
No.
We're at time.
Just throw them in.
When you're done making the slaw, see if you can get this thing off my shoe.
Oh, did you spit in the soup?
Okay, now.
This brings us to our last point.
Thank God.
What if, after all your scrutinizing, the place still turns out to be a dump?
Well, always bring along one of these, and you won't have to pay for your
dinner.
Look over there, will you?
Oh, my God.
Excuse me, sir.
Debbie?
Look what I found in my bread.
I'm sorry, sir.
I don't know what to say.
Well, welcome to the club.
You know what this is?
This appears to be a hair-covered croquet ball.
I know, sir.
I'm so embarrassed.
This is the second one of these today.
Your dinner is on the house.
Well, thank you very much, Debbie.
Oh, my gosh.
Well, certainly hope you enjoyed those dining out tips, ladies and gentlemen.
We have a fine program, as I keep telling you.
How about a hand for everybody who helped us out in this wonderful bit of
theater here tonight?
Come on out, folks.
We'll be right back with Jay Leno.
We'll be right back with Jay Leno.