Name: Stupid Writer Tricks on David Letterman Show & LN, 1980, 1982
Uploaded: 2017-07-22T03:56:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stupid Writer Tricks on David Letterman Show & LN, 1980, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stupid Writer Tricks on David Letterman Show & LN, 1980, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-22. Transcript available.

Thank you, Frank. Thank you, gentlemen. Thank you, folks.
Welcome back to the show. We're coming to you from New York City.
Today is Friday. What do you think, Frank? Have any idea?
24th.
24th is absolutely correct.
In this half hour, we're going to take you on our final behind-the-scenes tour
and all kinds of excitement.
You know, every show has writers, and since this show began in June,
our diligent writing staff has been cranking out brilliant comedy concepts.
But now that time has run out.
It's obvious we won't get to all of them,
particularly these which you're going to see, which I vetoed early on.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, doing their own material that I rejected,
welcome to the first and only installment of Stupid Writer Tricks,
Our Writers, ladies and gentlemen.
How are you doing? How are you doing, Gerard?
Gerard Mulligan. Gerard, how tall are you?
6'4", Dave. What do you weigh?
230, Dave.
All right.
What do you have that I passed on earlier?
Pretty good one, I think.
Okay.
It's Monday, August 25th, here in New York City.
I hope you all had a good weekend.
I think I did.
If the amount of the bail is any indication.
Jerry Mulligan, ladies and gentlemen.
Okay.
Our next writer is Paul Rayleigh, ladies and gentlemen.
Paul Rayleigh.
Good morning, Paul.
Good morning, David.
Good to see you.
Nice to see you.
Do you have a little something for us today?
Yes, I do.
Okay.
How many folks from Guam today?
Now, Frank, what day is it?
November, what, 57th, 67th?
Something like that.
Ah, well.
Yes, you know, in the town of Reykjavik, Iceland.
Is it Reykjavik?
Is it?
Reykjavik, Iceland.
You must apply for a bald spot.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Drive safely.
Paul Rayleigh.
Paul Rayleigh.
All right, who's next here on The 6.0?
It's Ron Richards, ladies and gentlemen.
You must be Dave, huh?
Yes, I am.
I'm Dave.
I've seen you before.
Okay.
I'm Ron Richards.
You know, on my car, I got a bumper sticker that says,
I'd rather be sailing.
All right.
And on my boat, I got one that says,
I'd rather be driving my car.
I'd just like everybody to know that no matter where I go,
I'm miserable.
Thank you.
Ron Richards, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much, gentlemen.
This is fun, isn't it?
Rich Hall, ladies and gentlemen.
You have a little something for you this morning?
Have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty?
You'll notice an inscription on it that says,
Give us your tired, your poor, and your huddled masses.
And I've noticed you see a lot of still tired people,
a lot of poor people.
But you don't see too many huddled masses anymore.
You used to walk down the street and see them all over the place.
So we have one here.
Huddled mass.
Huddled mass, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, no, no, that's yours, Sam.
Thank you very much.
Rich Hall.
And now, the only female member of our writing staff,
our head writer, Meryl Marko.
Right from the beginning, it was my contention.
I read the NBC research,
and if we would have had more sex,
more violence on the show,
I think we would have done better right from the start.
Sex and violence?
Sex and violence.
And so I would like to share a little sex and violence.
See, it's still early.
We still have 25 minutes.
Maybe the show will be on after all.
Turn it right around.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen.
February.
And for the gals.
January.
Whoa.
Maybe you've got something there.
And for everyone else.
A little violence now?
Something for the entire family.
Some violence, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, my God.
Thank you very much.
That's our first and only installment of Stupid Writer Tricks.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
Ladies and gentlemen, Stupid Writer Tricks.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
We'll be right back with our final behind the scenes.
It's a special time of night.
It is a special time of night, Jerry.
And what is your stupid writer trick tonight, Jerry?
Well, I'm going to share with the audience an opening remark that you've chosen
not to do.
All right, fine. An opening remark that I have passed by.
Yes, well, you know, there's an awful lot of discussion these days about the
insanity defense in criminal cases.
And the trickiest part of it is proving you are, in fact, insane, the defendant.
I just read on the way out here on one of the AP wires about this guy in
Cleveland
who successfully proved his insanity by producing a letter he'd sent to NBC
asking why different strokes didn't expand to an hour.
Thanks, Jerry.
Gerard Belligan, ladies and gentlemen.
Our next participants, we have a team, Carl Tiedemann and Steve Weiner, ladies
and gentlemen.
There's more introduction here.
Will you please welcome our next team of writers, the curators and of the
speechy pictures
and close personal friends of Larry Bud Melman, Steven Weiner and Carl Tiedemann.
Here, this is again.
No, no.
What are you gentlemen playing for us tonight?
Well, before we go any further, we just have to take this opportunity to
congratulate you on your first network television show.
Thank you very much.
Very nice.
In our humble opinion, nobody, and I mean nobody, deserves it more.
Really.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That's very nice of you.
I know that we say that, not merely because this man's name is on our paycheck
every week.
Oh.
But because he happens to be a wonderful talent and a fine human being.
David Letterman, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right.
Now, what is your trick?
That was it.
Next, we have Mr. Andy Breckman, ladies and gentlemen.
Andy Breckman.
Andy, how are you?
Nice to see you here.
Nice to be here.
And what are you going to do for us this evening?
Well, David, my trick involves you.
I know you're a gambling man.
I'd like to bet you, right now, I'd like to bet you $10 that I can make you say,
"Leave
that clown alone."
Leave that clown alone.
$10?
Fine, you're on.
Okay.
Chuck!
Leave that clown alone.
Get out of here!
Come on!
Let's go.
You're a clown, eh?
Make us laugh, Chuck.
It stinks!
It stinks!
That's not funny!
That is pathetic!
You are the least funny!
No one likes you!
You stink!
Look at this!
Stupid!
Stupid!
You're just so stupid!
Wait a minute.
Leave that clown alone, will ya?
Thank you very much.
There you are.
Andy Breckman and Chuck the Clown, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Our next writer, Mr. George Meyer, ladies and gentlemen.
George, how are ya?
I'm good.
Nice to see ya.
And what are you going to do for us this evening, sir?
Well, you know, in the last few months, I've seen a lot of stupid pet tricks on
this
show.
Animals come on.
Yeah, rabbit on a skateboard and stuff.
The other day I was sitting around and I thought, you know, George, you can do
those tricks.
I mean, you're as smart as a dog, right?
Yeah.
Sure, smarter than a dog.
So you've been teaching yourself to do some tricks?
Yeah, it's really been surprisingly easy.
Huh.
Uh, you have an example for us?
Well, sure.
Um, okay, let's take shaking hands.
Shaking hands.
Alright, fine.
Put your hand up.
Oh, I see.
Wow.
That's great.
Yeah, now that would have taken a dog maybe three or four months to learn and
they're
just not really bright.
How long did it take you?
About an hour and a half.
That's great.
Uh, is there anything else you can do for us?
Well, I taught myself how to add.
Um, like if you give me two numbers, I can tell you what the sum of those two
numbers
is.
No kidding.
Yeah.
Uh, any two?
One and three?
Uh, that would be four, Dave.
That's unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen.
Unbelievable.
Um, and this is yours also?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, what are you gonna do here?
Well, you'll see.
Okay.
George Meyer, ladies and gentlemen.
Easy.
Keep, hold it.
Oh, he's a little nervous because of the crowd and the lights and so forth, so
if we
could all just be very, very quiet, please.
Oh, that's, that's really nice.
Really nice.
Next, we have another comedy team, two writers who worked for the original
Saturday Night Live,
the comedy team of Tom Gammill and Max Pross, ladies and gentlemen.
Tom?
How are you?
Max, nice to see you.
Hi, David.
Hi.
Seems like I've seen your old professor, Einstein, today.
How did you find Einstein, Tom?
I pushed, I pushed his hair back.
Max, nice to see you.
Hi, David.
Hi.
Seems like I've seen your old professor, Einstein, today.
How did you find Einstein, Tom?
I pushed his hair back.
You know what, Tom?
I sure am sure of my girlfriend, Tilly.
What is it?
What is her name, Max?
She's such a flight that when she passes,
I feel the waving corn she weighs back.
Oh, my God.
And then there's one about the little shoeshine boy
who tiptoed past the medic cabin
and he didn't want to make up the sleeping pills.
I think it's time for us to go.
I think so.
Gamble and cross, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
Is it getting hot in here or what?
And finally, our head writer, Meryl Marko,
with a new sitcom that takes place in Florida,
So I'm Told.
Meryl Marko, ladies and gentlemen.
Maybe come back here.
And what is your little, what is your...
Well, what I've tried to do is devise something that would be
as if this weren't already some total entertainment
for the viewer audience tonight, Dave.
Total entertainment.
Yeah.
I was trying to put together a sitcom
that I thought would incorporate
virtually everything that people like to see on a sitcom.
I thought it would have stupid dialogue
and some mindless violence
and be set in a beautiful, tropical location
where there'd be naked people running around.
Okay.
Yeah!
And I thought perhaps you could star in it with me.
I was calling it, modestly,
My Little Meryl.
My Little Meryl.
Well, I'd be proud to play a part in this epic.
Do you have a script for us?
Why, sure I do.
You're a Herbie.
I'm playing the part of Herbie, ladies and gentlemen,
in the episode, first episode of My Little Meryl.
They're setting up the props now.
We have a lovely, tropical background.
And we're ready to go?
You bet we are.
Okay, I just begin here.
You read Herbie.
I'm Herbie.
Hi, honey, I'm home.
The boss will be here for dinner in just a minute.
Is everything ready?
Did you set the table?
Set the table?
I thought you said wreck the table.
Well, we're going to put on our flak jackets.
We'll be right back to talk to Terry Garra after you.
Take a look at this.
Take a look at this.