Name: First Stupid Pet Tricks on The David Letterman Show, June 26, 1980
Uploaded: 2017-07-22T23:35:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'First Stupid Pet Tricks on The David Letterman Show, June 26, 1980' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'First Stupid Pet Tricks on The David Letterman Show, June 26, 1980' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-22. Transcript available.

Good morning and welcome to the show. My name is David Letterman. Happy to have
you folks here.
And what a day you have selected to join us in addition to Esther Satterfield,
who's been here
all week, and Edwin Newman will be joining us with an NBC News update. America,
today we have
stupid pet tricks, and it's going to be unbelievable. The Smithsonian has
already phoned.
They said they would like a copy of this tape for the time capsule, and we're
going
to comply. That'll be coming up a little bit later in the show, toward the end,
as a matter
of fact. So have the folks stay home from work today and keep the kids out of
school if they're
there now.
Thank you. Welcome back to the show. You folks are here on a keen day. A couple
of weeks ago
we placed ads in some newspapers in the northeastern corner of the United
States asking pet owners
if they had a pet that had learned some peculiar trick. And we got some
responses, rather interesting
responses, and we're going to present them for you here. It's not actually a
competition, more
of a demonstration, I would guess. And the only thing else I can tell you is
these people are
they're not animal trainers, right? They're just pet owners. I'm going to
introduce now our
first pet and his owner in stupid pet tricks, ladies and gentlemen, history is
being made here
today. I think we can all feel that, can't we? I know I can, despite what the
crowd says.
Ladies and gentlemen, please meet Seamus Sullivan and Sean.
How do you do? Shut the door.
All right. Attaboy, Sean.
Stupid pet trick number one. Hello, Sean. That was very nice. Sean, how old is
Sean?
Sean's three and a half.
And did you teach him to close the door or just a little thing?
I taught him to close the door.
Okay. I guess we have the capability of instant replay. Do you want to take
another look at
that in slow motion? Let's see if we can... There it is. He...
Oh, Sean, you're a big hit so far. If we could have your... He's just dumb as a
tree, isn't
he? He's a beautiful doggie, Sean. You're sure a sweetie. What else does Sean
do, Seamus?
Well, I taught Sean to answer the telephone when I was living in an apartment
where the
phone didn't quite reach my bed. Okay, great. And being the lazy Irishman that
I am.
Oh, what a doggie. Yeah, he likes this.
Oh. And what grade is he in? He can also dance. He's a senior in college right
now in accounting.
How old... He's going to apply for a job at NBC next year.
Okay, so next we're going to have him answer the phone?
Answer the phone, yes.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Sean answering the phone. Maybe a drum roll. Would
a drum roll help?
That might.
Okay, Sean answering the phone. There's the phone ring.
Get the phone. Get the phone. Pick it up.
That's fine.
Get the phone.
Moments from now.
Good boy. Pick it up.
Pick it up.
Come on, Sean.
Pick it up.
My wife, I'm not here.
Is that it? Is that as close as he gets?
Yes, that's it.
All right, Sean. Terrific.
Stupid pet trick number two.
He can also count.
Okay, we paid for the instant replay.
We may as well use it until you're bored, silly, folks.
Instant replay now.
He used to work for information here in Manhattan. I've talked to him before.
He also does what now?
I taught him to count, to amaze the kids in the neighborhood.
Okay.
How do, uh...
Well, you just say, Sean, what's one and one?
What's one and one?
Good boy.
Sit, stay there.
What's one and two?
Good boy.
What's two and two?
What's two and two?
It's kind of a teaching aid for kids looking in today. Two and two, five. Count
on it. Try it again. Give Sean another problem there.
Sean, what is the square root of 25?
Speak.
One more.
There you go.
Atta boy, Sean. You're quite a doggy.
Take a bow there, Sean.
Okay, and if you were in the kitchen or something, let's take a look at Sean
counting on instant replay.
Instant replay? This is so stupid.
You're a wonderful dog, Sean. Thank you very much for being here. Is that it
for Sean?
That's it for him.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Seamus Sullivan and Sean.
Stupid pet trick number one.
Thank you very much, Sean.
Now we're going back here, and this young lady is Elizabeth Boatwright.
Am I on the wrong side of this? Tell me where I'm supposed to be. I'm okay.
How do you do, Elizabeth? And you have what for us today?
The Empress of Blandings, who will spit.
Well, of course she would, but she's not here, so what are you going to do
instead?
The Empress of Blandings.
What are you calling this thing?
It's a goldfish.
I know that.
The name you're giving it is?
The Empress of Blandings.
Empress of Blandings. What is the origin of that name? Why do you call her that?
She's named after a pig in a novel.
Oh, I see, another classical literary allusion.
All right. Boy, that'd be good eating, wouldn't it?
Oh, cover her ears.
What kind of fish is that, other than a goldfish?
An aranda.
An aranda. Will that get huge and enormous?
Well, I think she's pretty much on her way there.
Yeah. How old is she?
She's about a year.
And how long have you had her?
About a year.
About a year. Okay. And, boy, this stuff looks tasty. What is this?
Vegetables.
Ooh, I don't know if it's flake. That's fish food, I'm guessing.
Okay. Elizabeth, the Empress of Blandings, and she spits. A little something
she learned
from you, Elizabeth? Okay, I guess this is self-explanatory. Ladies and
gentlemen, a spitting fish.
Come on, Empress. She's never been on TV before.
Well, I can understand her concern. I've never been on TV before, either.
She's distracted, I think.
Is she distracted?
Yeah.
Well, it's tough to spit when you've got your mind on something else.
Come on.
Spit, Empress.
She really does it.
I know she does. That's all right.
She showers people.
She does shower people?
Should we go on to the next entrant and come back, Elizabeth?
That'd be fine.
Try her once more.
Okay.
Spit, Empress.
Empress.
She says, so everybody's laughing at me.
Yeah, of course.
Would it help if she had a cold? Would that help?
Well, it's pretty cold in there.
Okay, we're going to come back, ladies and gentlemen.
Elizabeth Boatwright and the Empress of Blandings have requested a buy.
We'll come back in just a minute.
Nonetheless, a nice welcome for Elizabeth for bringing...
Would you like to see that on slow motion instant replay?
Is it? No.
There it is.
A $4 billion toy, ladies and gentlemen.
I love it.
Okay.
This is Sue Boatwright.
I'm guessing you're in the same family, correct?
Correct.
And Sue, you have with us what?
You have with you who?
What?
A guinea pig named Cracker Box Nelson.
All right.
What does Cracker Box do?
He sits up, he kisses me, and he picks up coins.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, Cracker Box Nelson, a guinea pig, will sit up,
pick up coins, and kiss you?
Okay.
It's a pretty good date for me, actually.
All right.
Now, it's a beautiful guinea pig, isn't it?
Okay.
Do you like it?
Up.
Up.
Up.
Up.
I think the guinea pig and the fish have formed a union, and it's, uh, it's no
dice today.
They've, uh, it's a, is she a little scared?
He's nervous.
Up, Cracker.
I'm sorry.
It's a he?
Yes.
I'm sorry.
Male.
How old is Cracker Box?
Three years.
It's a beautiful animal.
Thank you.
Up.
Up, Cracker.
Up, up.
Come on.
Up.
You want this?
Up.
Come on, Torquay.
You know, this is the kind of thing you could go on watching all day, and, uh,
do you want us to come back for that?
Uh, if you'd like to.
Okay, let's see.
Let's try the fish again, uh, Elizabeth.
She won't come up to the top for me.
Come on.
All right.
I think we'll move on.
Thank you, ladies.
Good, good luck with, uh, our, our next entrant in, uh, Stupid Pets is, uh,
Stupid Pet Tricks.
Sharon Santaniello.
Is that correct?
I'm sorry.
Sue?
No, excuse me.
This is Sharon, and this is Wiener, her dog Wiener.
Hello, Wiener.
This is a beautiful doggie also.
Is, is Wiener a friendly dog, Sharon?
Uh, occasionally.
Well, good news for all of us, huh?
That's a, what kind of dog is that?
A Samoy Husky.
Uh, what are you saying?
Samoyed.
Samoyed.
Samoyed.
Samoyed.
Husky.
I'm not sure that I have that correct.
And what does Wiener do?
He talks.
He'll ask for gum, and hopefully he'll get his teeth brushed.
Okay, now I was told that if I pretended I was chewing gum, Wiener would ask me
for gum.
But I do have gum.
Okay.
All right, let me, let me, let me just pretend, because I have a tooth that'll
come, what is
it?
No, we got a, I'm chewing gum, Wiener.
Whoa, look, we have gum.
Everyone has gum but you, Wiener.
Wouldn't some gum hit the spot now, Wiener?
I'll have to get some gum.
Okay, Sharon will now ask Wiener if you...
Come on, sit down.
Oh, this is back.
Come on.
Come on, Wiener.
Oh, boy, it's gum.
Wiener, do you want this?
Do you want it?
Do you want this?
No?
I want it.
Come on, Wiener.
I want it.
Close enough.
I'll accept that.
I heard it, ladies and gentlemen.
Believe me, he wants some gum.
Wiener wants some gum.
He's actually chewing it, isn't he?
Yes, he will.
Yeah.
What else does Wiener do?
He, uh, he has to have his teeth brushed.
Okay, let's...
And I have that, but I'm not too sure he'll...
He shows his teeth so that he can have them brushed.
Okay, great.
Wiener is now going to ask to have his teeth brushed.
Okay.
I have to get down for this.
Okay, go ahead.
Do whatever you do.
We're quickly running out of time here.
I think we can put the goldfish and the guinea pig into a movie of the week if
we don't get to them today.
So, Wiener, we're going to have to turn you around.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Wiener about to brush his teeth.
Truthfully, though, isn't this what television is all about, ladies and
gentlemen?
Come on, Wiener, turn around.
There you go.
Do you want this?
Come on.
Are you talking to me or the dog?
The dog.
I don't know.
Oh, there you go.
Do you want it?
Come on, show your teeth.
Come on.
Oh.
Come on.
The teeth.
The teeth.
Okay, he's shouting what he wanted me for.
Oh, okay, Wiener.
Maybe another day.
At least Wiener asked for the chewing gum, ladies and gentlemen.
Sharon Santaniello and Wiener the dog.
We have time to go back here.
We've got to pause for a commercial.
We'll return in a couple of minutes.
Stupid Pet Tricks continues.
We've got to go.
We've got to go.
Well, some of the guests appearing on my show receive cheap plastic souvenirs.
This is a plastic Statue of Liberty.
There you are, Sharon.
Everybody who participated in Stupid Pets gets one of these ladies.
Be sure and get yours.
Thanks to everybody who participated in Stupid Pet Tricks today.
And thanks to Bob Sarlotte, Edie McClurg, and Valerie Brownfield, who will be
here later
in the week.
I guess that would be tomorrow.
And on tomorrow's show, Jimmy Breslin.
Thank you.
Esther Satterfield, Edwin Newman, and Barbara Martinelli, World Traveler.
They will all be here tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock.
And thank you.
It's been a wonderful studio audience, and we'll see you folks tomorrow.
Have a nice day.
Yes.
We'll see you next time.