Name: Stupid Pet Tricks on Letterman, September 24, 1985
Uploaded: 2017-07-29T23:59:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stupid Pet Tricks on Letterman, September 24, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stupid Pet Tricks on Letterman, September 24, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-29. Transcript available.

All right, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, it's, oh, I'd better do it over
here, isn't it?
It's Stupid Pet Tricks. These are folks from all over.
People and their pets. Interesting little tricks and games they've taught them
to do.
This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, no wagering.
Here is our first participant tonight, Candy Booker. Candy, come out here,
please, if you will.
Hi. Candy Booker. Nice to see you, Candy.
You can't shake hands. You're full of tennis balls there. Where are you from,
Candy?
Royal Oak, Michigan.
And what do you do for a living in Royal Oak?
Work for Merrill Lynch.
Beautiful place, Royal Oak, sounds like.
Beautiful. Gorgeous.
What part of the state?
It's right near Detroit.
Okay, and this is your dog?
Argus.
Oh, this is a black lab? Is that what that is?
Yeah. He's a mutt.
He is a mutt.
He's a little porky in the middle here.
I'll put him on a diet.
Did you guys come together just for the show, all the way from Michigan?
Just for the show.
Thank you very much. All right, Candy, what will you and Argus do for us
tonight?
He's going to pick up three tennis balls in his mouth.
Okay. At one time?
At, well...
Here, let me do that. You want me to unhook him?
Yeah.
Okay.
I do what I can.
He might be just like a booter. Come here, Argus.
Did you teach him to do this?
No, he taught himself.
Okay.
Okay, get your balls.
Get your balls.
There's one.
Here's two.
Here's...
Come.
Come.
- Oh boy, you really can't beat dog lips.
Can ya?
For flexibility, there's no beatin' 'em.
Argus, what an amazing stud.
Let's take a look at this action here again
through the miracle of slow motion instant replay.
There he is, a happy boy.
Candy, nice meeting you.
- Nice to meet you. - Thank you very much.
It's a terrific dog.
Bye, Argus.
Take care.
Candy Booker.
Candy Booker.
Candy Booker.
Is there a Paul McGee here?
Ladies and gentlemen, Paul McGee.
Hi, Paul.
Nice to see you.
- Sit, man.
Sit.
- We have another great-looking dog.
Where are you from, Paul?
- Oregon lately.
New York originally.
- Uh-huh.
- Oregon's also a beautiful state.
What part of Oregon?
- Salem.
- Salem, Oregon.
And what do you do for a living there?
- Graphic artist.
- I see.
And you guys came all the way for this?
- Uh, this is a friend's wedding in Michigan and various other funny games.
- Okay.
Uh, and this is Woofie.
- Right.
- What kind of dog is Woofie?
- Woofie's a St. Bernard and a Collie, as far as I can tell.
- Is that right?
There's some St. Bernard in this dog?
- Yeah.
Well, I don't know for sure, but that's my scientific guess.
- Uh-huh.
It's a beautiful animal.
What does Woofie do here?
- Uh, Woofie wanders off.
Woofie...
- Come here, Woofie.
- Tells the difference between a Burger King cheeseburger, sit.
- Hey.
Sit.
- And a McDonald's cheeseburger.
- So this is kind of a taste test.
- Right, right.
- We have...
- We, uh...
- He likes to travel.
We've been all over the country and Canada, and I noticed...
- He's got some hitchhiking.
- Hey, look!
- What's going on here?
- He's always liked fast food burgers, and I wondered if he liked one over the
other.
- All right, so you're going to test tonight a McDonald's burger and...
- Versus a Burger King burger.
- Oh, a Burger King burger and McDonald's.
- They're the most similar two.
- Okay, okay.
- And he prefers Burger King.
- The Big Mac and the Whopper is what we've got here.
- Well, no.
These are plain, regular cheeseburgers.
No, uh...
- Woofie testing me.
Okay.
- Okay.
- All right.
He approaches B.
Now, he doesn't know which is which, does he?
- No, no, he doesn't.
One of your, uh...
Well, he just picked the wrong one.
- I can tell.
- Yeah.
- He's done it right 20 times, but...
- Now, how do we know that he picked the wrong one?
- Um, well, Burger King has little, uh, sesame seeds on the top.
Which is why we put them upside down in there.
- Oh, I see.
I mean, gosh, what an amazing demonstration.
- Just incredible.
- All right.
- So...
- He just changed his mind.
What can you do?
- I guess.
- All right, uh, here we go.
Let's take a look at it.
Although, for the life of me, I can't figure out why.
There, he's making his selection, and it's very definitely...
A.
Terrific.
Paul, nice meeting you.
Thank you for coming all the way from Oregon.
Woofie, take care, buddy.
- All righty.
- Hey, Woofie.
- This is gone.
- Take care, Woofie.
Ooh, ah.
Worry of...
Worry about the dog.
Um...
John Flowers, ladies and gentlemen.
Say hello to...
Hi, John, how are you?
- Nice to see you.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
You built this one yourself, didn't you?
This is one of those kit dogs you can get at the market.
This is, uh, what kind of a dog is this, John?
It's called a Bouvier de Flanders.
And, uh...
They're from Belgium.
Belgium?
Yeah, they're European cattle dogs.
And...
Cattle dogs, are they?
Yes.
They would herd cattle?
Yes.
And, uh, are they dangerous?
They can be, yes.
Yeah.
Do they make nice pets, though?
Yes.
What is this dog's name?
Caesar.
Hi, Caesar.
How are ya?
Wow.
Uh, I've never seen one of these before.
And what are they called again?
Bouvier de Flanders.
Bouvier de Flanders.
Okay, terrific.
And, uh, where are you from?
Detroit.
And what do you...
Everybody here is from Michigan or has some kind of a Michigan connection?
Well, I live in New York now.
Uh-huh.
What do you do in Detroit?
Uh...
What do I do in New York?
Oh, no, you live in New York now.
I live in Belmont Park.
Okay.
Uh, Belmont Park?
Yes.
You don't race this, do you?
No.
Hi, Caesar.
How are ya, buddy?
Whoa!
Very sweet.
All right, John.
What are you and Caesar gonna do tonight?
Uh, Caesar's gonna balance on these rods.
I'm gonna give you one end and I'm gonna take the other and he's gonna jump up
and sit on it.
He's gonna balance on the rods.
All right.
How much does this dog weigh?
About 95 pounds.
Okay.
How did the dog learn to do this?
Well, he chased the cat up the wall and ran up the wall.
You gotta use both hands, sir.
Both hands, okay.
Caesar, back.
On one rod here?
Yes.
Oh, do you want a drum roll here?
This one might be nice.
A drum roll.
Come on.
Get up, sit.
Come on, baby.
Get under.
Let's go.
Get up, sit.
Good boy.
- Is it working? - Yes. Okay. Come on, wait. Cesar, good boy. Come on, babe.
Get up, Cesar.
This is a much thinner rod.
- Oh! Unbelievable. There it is. Come on, Cesar. - Cesar, come.
- Yeah! Yeah! Very impressive, guys. Thank you very much. Thank you, Cesar.
Nice job, buddy.
Oh, my gosh. We'll be right back, folks, with Charles Corral.
- Okay. - Okay.