Name: David Letterman on Decisions Decisions, Dec. 1978 or Jan. 1979
Uploaded: 2017-07-30T01:51:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman on Decisions Decisions, Dec. 1978 or Jan. 1979' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman on Decisions Decisions, Dec. 1978 or Jan. 1979' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-30. Transcript available.

David Letterman on Decisions Decisions, Dec. 1978 or Jan. 1979

From Hollywood, we're going to play Decisions, Decisions.
And here's our host, Bill Cullum.
Thank you all. Thank you.
Thank you, there, kids.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
We're going to be spending time together making some intriguing decisions.
We're all in for some entertaining discoveries and, I think, some strange
surprises.
To help us with this, we need contestants.
Johnny, who are our contestants?
Bill, we have a homemaker whose interests are music and good cooking.
Meet Madeline Hayes.
Yay, Madeline.
And a university student who's majoring in mathematics.
He describes himself as a pinball addict, Mike Kawai.
Yay, Mike.
As they both wrestle with Decisions, Decisions.
Keep it high, keep it high.
Okay, that pretty much is what the show is all about.
Decisions, Decisions.
And now that we have two contestants to help us, they need two celebrities to
help them.
Johnny, who are our celebrities?
First, Bill, one of television's merriest ladies, Joyce Bolivar.
Hello, Bill.
And one of television's brightest and newest stars, David Letterman.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, John.
Thank you, John.
Thank you, John.
Thank you, John.
Thank you, John.
Thank you, John.
Well, we got the making.
We have the makings of some pretty good Decisions, Decisions.
Thank you for coming by to help us, Joyce Bulapont, dear.
You're welcome, William, dear.
Oh, that's nice to have you.
You're a good player.
Thank you.
And you've met Mike Kawai, have you?
Mike, say hello to Joyce and all that sort of thing.
And let us hop down there to our next hop down.
We will go down and speak to David Letterman.
David, thank you for coming by.
Thank you.
It's a pleasure to be here.
It's a lovely set you have here, Bill.
Is it not?
Do you like it?
Christmas is always my favorite time here in the ski lodge.
I had a roaring fire after the day on the slopes.
I know.
I know if I gave you a chance, you'd do that to us.
But anyway, David, in spite of that, it's nice to have you met Madeline Hayes.
Yes, we're related.
We're just met.
You really are?
Sisters, brother and sister, years ago.
Oh, years ago?
Years ago.
She's not part of my roots.
See, David?
See, David?
We young fellows have to be careful with some of these smarties here.
We're going to play decisions, decisions.
Each team is going to have to tackle a subject about which it will have to make
decisions.
For every right decision, you score points.
Whichever team is ahead in points at the end of two rounds, wins the game, gets
500 bucks,
and goes on to play the bonus game.
It is that simple.
Now, we're going to start with round one, where each decision is worth one
point.
Now, we had a toss-up of a coin backstage before the show started, and David
and Madeline's
team won the toss, so we will begin with you.
And you're going to do the choosing, Madeline, and you're going to select, and
David will have
to make the decisions.
Okay.
Listen carefully now.
On this question, our research source is the University of Southern California's
Department
of Biological Sciences.
Oh, yeah.
Now, which one of these animals is more sexually active in the reproduction of
offspring or children?
Let's take a look at our choices.
We have up there a mink, a rabbit, a hummingbird, an elephant, a termite, and a
praying mantis.
Now, Madeline, what are you laughing at, Madeline?
I was just thinking that mantis praying, you know?
Yeah, and we know what he's praying for, don't we, Madeline?
Okay, now, Madeline, you're going to have to use your intuition and your
knowledge to decide
which two of these six choices you're going to present to David.
Now, make it as easy for David as you can, because David's then going to make a
decision.
Okay.
What do you say, Madeline?
Yeah, well, let's bring down the rabbit.
Let's bring down the rabbit.
We will do that.
You'll be picking another one while the rabbit's on his way down.
Yeah, and then we'll take the elephant.
Boy, you certainly got both ends of the pole there, Madeline.
We have the rabbit on one hand and the elephant standing on my foot.
David, the choice is yours.
I'll restate it.
Which one of these animals is more sexually active in the reproduction of
little ones or big ones?
Well, let's see.
Those are fine choices, by the way, Madeline.
Let's see, an elephant.
I think an elephant is you have to rent all that equipment and so forth.
Get yourself a forklift.
True, true.
Who needs a Roto-Roto?
It's, we're looking for the most prolific, most active.
The most prolific, yeah, the one with the most active.
I would think between, of the two, it would have to be the rabbit.
I certainly would think that, but I've always been told.
But for all I know, I've always heard that it'd been an old hair's tail or
something.
You chose rabbit, going for point number one.
Between the rabbit and the elephant, which one is the more sexually active?
Certainly the rabbit, and you've got a point.
That's the idea.
Okay, Madeline, you're rolling now.
Keep trying to make the choices easy.
Rabbit stays.
Pick another one, Madeline.
All right, I'll take the hummingbird.
Why's that?
Well, he spends all that time humming, after all.
Okay, we have up there for you, David, a rabbit, and we have a hummingbird.
Which do you think is the more sexually prolific?
Of the two, I think Madeline hit it there with the hummingbird.
You can't do anything.
It gets old in a hurry.
I, again, rabbit.
Rabbit.
You chose rabbit again.
Between the rabbit and the hummingbird, going for point number two, which is
the more sexually active?
By God.
Oh, you're right.
That rabbit is moving in there.
Madeline.
I'm a real progress man.
Select again.
Select again, and David will make the choice.
Yeah, well, I'll bring down that praying fellow, the mantis.
The mantis.
Okay.
And it's up to you, David, to make the choice.
I think with this particular insect, what they do, they either, as soon as they
breed, they die, or they eat their young.
Either one pretty much inhibits sexual activity.
Mm-hmm.
I'm going to go with the rabbit again.
Do you know what?
The true story about a praying mantis is after sexual activity, they eat the
closest rabbit.
But I'm big on that technical stuff.
You took rabbit, did you, David?
I did take the rabbit.
It is giddy time.
I know that.
We have rabbit here.
We have praying mantis.
Of those two, which is the more sexually active?
Oh, my God.
No.
Well, we know one thing, Madeline.
We know his prayers are answered, don't we?
Yeah, but which one has the most fun?
Yeah.
I see your point.
Madeline, pick another one.
We have mink and termite.
So far, praying mantis is the big one there.
Well, I'll bring down the mink.
Well, this is interesting.
I feel that minks and rabbits pretty much are the same thing, aren't they?
Yes.
For all practical purposes.
You go into a restaurant, you order a rabbit, chances are you're getting a mink.
You don't know.
You buy a mink, you might get a rabbit.
Absolutely, Madeline.
What do you say we get out of here, huh?
So, with that in mind, I'm going to select praying mantis.
You are picking the praying mantis?
Yes, sir.
Over the mink?
That's the kind of guy I am.
Okay.
I never doubted for a minute.
David says, David says praying mantis.
He's that kind of a hairpin.
Going for praying mantis.
Of those two, which is the more sexually active?
David, you're right.
You're right.
I see.
Okay.
That's a laugh, really.
Madeline, the last choice, of course, is termite.
You need to choose that because that's all that's left on the board.
David, your final choice.
Termite, praying mantis, which has the most active and fun type sex?
I think because of the...
You hardly ever have Orkin come out and spray for praying mantis.
Yes, it's true.
You hardly ever go on like that.
That's right.
That is true.
I think it would be termite.
I like your reason.
I don't care whether you're right or you are.
Between termite and praying mantis, this is the final one in this round.
Which is the more sexually active?
David, you're right.
Yes, absolutely.
Well done and well thought out.
You have four points there.
I have the exact order here.
This is our scientific thing from USC.
The termite does it, or let us say, reproduces.
When Orkin isn't spraying, it reproduces 1,800 times a year.
Praying mantis, 850 times a year.
The rabbit, 28.
The mink, 7.
The hummingbird, 2.
And the elephant, once every two years.
But he remembers it because he has a sensational memory.
I wanted to know where David fits in there.
David fits in there.
I can tell you where David fits in there.
Right up between termite and praying mantis.
That's where David fits in there.
Okay.
That's round one.
We're now going to give Joyce and Mike a chance to play.
I will pose the question for you, Mike.
According to the most recent Gallup poll, Gallup poll, that's our authority
here.
Which of these professions or trades do people regard as honest and ethical?
Whom do they trust more?
Let's take a look.
We have up there a car salesman, a mortician, a senator, policeman, advertising
people, and a banker.
Okay.
You're going to make the choices now, Mike.
Try to make it as easy.
Pick, you know, both ends.
Someone they trust a lot and someone like, yeah.
And then Joyce will make the choice.
Car salesman?
You're going to pick car salesman as one.
Okay.
He'll be on his way down there.
Pick another.
Policeman.
We have car salesman and policeman.
We are going to ask Joyce to choose between those two which one people trust
more.
There they are.
I would say they trust a policeman more than a car salesman.
Okay.
I think that's what Mike had in mind when he made that choice.
Now, you say policeman of the car salesman and the policeman.
According to the Gallup poll, whom do people trust more?
Let's take a look.
Policeman, you're right, Joyce.
Okay, you've got a point.
Go to it.
Go to it, Mike.
Let's try advertising people.
Advertising people and policemen.
We deal with advertising people in our business and with policemen on our way
home.
Advertising people.
Policeman.
Joyce.
This is very difficult.
Really?
Yeah, because I've done a lot of commercials.
Be truthful.
Be truthful.
I know.
This is very difficult.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I think they would trust a policeman.
Over.
Because, yeah, because advertising people are known to not, well, anyway, I
think they'd choose
a policeman.
I want you to know you've done your last commercial.
I know.
That's what's...
But you say people would trust policemen over advertising.
Yes, I do.
Okay, let's see.
Of these two, whom do people trust more?
You're right.
Policemen is it.
Very good.
Choose another one.
Oh, this is tough.
Okay, we've got mortician, senator, and banker.
Famous advertising agency.
Politician, senator.
Senator.
And we have policemen.
Well, what do you think?
Who do you trust more?
Speaking about that, I would say that you trust a policeman far more than a
senator.
Look, you said it.
I didn't say it.
I know it.
You say policeman.
Let's see what happens.
Between a senator and a policeman, which one do more people trust?
Oh, you're right.
We have a mortician and a banker.
Mortician?
Okay, you're putting mortician against policeman.
So, Joyce, the choice for you will be, do more people trust a mortician than
trust a policeman?
Well, a mortician always gets you bombed.
That's embalmed.
Oh, embalmed.
Oh, dear.
I still think maybe that the policemen are more trustful because morticians up
the price of the little box.
Yeah, I see your point.
I read about that.
If you can't trust your mortician, you're not apt to know it, really.
That's right.
You took policeman again.
I took the policeman.
Between the policeman and the mortician, whom do more people trust?
You're right, Joyce.
Oh, you're going to do it perfectly.
Okay.
Put the banker over here.
Put the banker over there.
He's the last choice.
The policeman thus far has weathered everybody.
And, Joyce, for your final decision.
That's the idea.
Decision's decision.
For a perfect score, banker or policeman?
Now, this is very dif