Name: Fun with Rupert Collection on Late Show, 1994-97 + 2005 Coda
Uploaded: 2017-08-01T15:35:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fun with Rupert Collection on Late Show, 1994-97 + 2005 Coda' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fun with Rupert Collection on Late Show, 1994-97 + 2005 Coda' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-01. Transcript available.

Fun with Rupert Collection on Late Show, 1994-97 + 2005 Coda

We have a great program tonight and I'm very, very happy that you folks here in
the Ed Sullivan
Theatre are in such a good mood because tonight, on the show, we're going to
try something
a little different.
Something we haven't done before and we need all of your help, all of your
attention, all
of your cooperation.
Hal, do me a favor.
Turn on that camera out there on 53rd Street and go into the Hello Deli.
This is our friend Rupert G. who owns and operates the Hello Deli right here in
New
York City.
It's right around the corner from the Ed Sullivan Theatre.
Hey Rupert, how are you?
Now, if you're planning a trip to New York City and you're going to come and
see our
show or even if you're not coming to see the show, go in to Rupert's and say hi
and get
yourself a cup of coffee.
He's very, very nice man.
In fact, I think of all of the neighbors, there is one no more, there is no one
more likable
in this area than Rupert.
Would you say that?
Rupert, how are you doing?
Hi, Rupert!
I say, Rupert, how are you doing?
Good, Dave.
Okay, can you come on in here for a second?
Sure.
All right, he's coming into the theater now.
Rupert will be coming in.
Man, look at that angry, ugly mob out there.
Rupert G.
Rupert, how are you?
Nice to see you.
Come on over here and have a seat.
Rupert, did you hear I made a hundred bucks on tonight's show?
Oh, did you?
Yeah, joke tanked and I picked up a C-note.
A couple of weeks ago, Rupert and I got together.
It was like a Tuesday or a Wednesday afternoon.
And Rupert and I spent the day going all over New York City.
Now, here's what we did.
We gave Rupert a little disguise.
We had him in, I guess it was a hat like that, if not that very hat.
And then we had these glasses.
Now, Rupert also was wearing a microphone.
And these glasses had, I think, an earpiece in them or you had an earpiece.
Right.
And so, I could talk to Rupert.
I stayed in the truck and Rupert was out in the city doing more or less my
dirty work.
And we spent the day and then the deal was you would pretty much say whatever I
said.
Right.
Right.
So, anything you heard me say in your ear came right out of your mouth.
Yep.
You kind of just put your brain into neutral and let me do the talking for you.
That's right.
It's pretty much how I do the show every night.
So, we went to various places here, put on the glasses and the hat.
So, this is what you'll see Rupert looking like on the videotape.
And we spent the day just visiting various folks here in New York City.
I'm hidden safely in the van doing all of the talking for Rupert.
He can hear me and it comes right out of his mouth and then we hear what Rupert
has to say.
So, we're going to do this this evening.
Let's now take a look at the first installment of Me and Rupert Out Bothering
People in New York.
My name's Steve. I'm really hungry.
Oh, my name's Steve. I'm really hungry.
I'd like a quarter pounder.
I'd like a quarter pounder.
A half pounder.
And a half pounder.
A three quarter pounder.
And a three quarter pounder.
And a pounder.
And a pounder.
And then maybe a five pounder.
How about a five pounder?
Do you work here?
You work here, sir?
Hi.
My name's Monty.
My name's Monty.
Yeah.
Oh, very good.
I just noticed that you're having a sale and I'm in the market for a car.
I'm in the market for a car.
Mm-hmm.
Son of a bitch is a hauling mother, ain't it?
Son of a bitch is a hauling mother, isn't it?
Did I mention my name is Monty?
Did I mention my name is Monty?
I'd like 20 quarter pounders.
I'll pick 20 quarter pounders.
What?
I'm trying to build my own five pounder.
I'm trying to build my own five pounders.
Monty, is there anything you can do to trick up the front end?
Is there anything you can do to trick up the front end?
You know, make it hop?
You know, make it hop.
No?
Deals off.
Sorry.
Deals off.
Sorry.
You could have been salesman of the month, Monty.
Could have been salesman of the month, Monty.
You girls like me?
How do you do, man?
My name is Steve.
How do you do, man?
My name is Steve.
Can I get you anything?
Can I get you anything?
Nothing.
How about some more napkins?
How about some more napkins?
They're on me.
They're on me.
Stay right there.
I'll get some napkins.
Stay right there.
Here you go.
Here we go.
Knock yourself out, honey.
Knock yourself out, honey.
The woman in the pink is stealing napkins.
The woman in the pink is stealing napkins.
$64.74.
One second, dear.
Hey, Dave?
Yes, sir?
I don't have enough money.
Well, that worked pretty well, didn't it?
Nice job, Rupert.
Thanks for all your help.
We'll be watching that all night.
We're going to do a commercial when we come back.
Michael Keen will join us.
Nice to see you, Dave.
Nice to see you, Dave.
Did you all get your hams?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, okay.
Whatever.
Oh, okay.
Whatever.
On the program tonight, Michael Keen.
Great man.
Great actor.
Nice guy.
Very funny man.
Nicholas Turturro.
And, uh...
And, uh...
Vanessa Williams.
And, if you're just joining us all night long tonight...
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
We're going to be bothering you.
All over New York City with our good friend Rupert G.
Who owns and operates the Hello Deli right around the corner from us.
He's got some kind of wacky hat.
He's got wacky glasses on.
He has a hidden camera.
He has a microphone.
And he has an earpiece.
I'm hiding safely and comfortably, I might add.
In the van, Rupert's wandering around, nearly getting punched.
Here we go.
Hal, roll the videotape of me and Rupert visiting New Yorkers.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, tough guy.
Hey, tough guy.
Will you turn that music down?
Can you turn that music down a little bit?
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
I'd like a half a hot dog.
Can I have half of a hot dog?
I don't want the whole thing.
Not the whole thing.
Just half of it.
Put your arms down.
Put your arms down.
Put your arms down.
Put your arms down.
Put your arms down.
Put your arms down.
Put your arms down.
I'll drop you like a bag of dirt.
I'll drop you like a bag of dirt.
I'll drop you like a bag of dirt.
Okay, Rupert going into the Haagen-Dazs.
I'll tell you what.
I'd like a cone.
First, a scoop of chocolate.
I'll tell you what.
I'd like a cone.
First, with a scoop of chocolate.
Then a scoop of vanilla.
And a scoop of vanilla.
Then a scoop of chocolate.
Then a scoop of vanilla.
And a scoop of vanilla.
Then a scoop of chocolate.
And then a scoop of chocolate.
Then a scoop of vanilla.
And then another scoop of vanilla.
And then a scoop of chocolate.
And then a scoop of chocolate.
And a scoop of chocolate.
And a scoop of chocolate.
And then vanilla.
And vanilla.
Okay, Rupert, in a very loud voice, announce, "I'm lactose intolerant."
I'm lactose intolerant.
Lactose intolerant.
Would you like to touch the pumpkins?
Would you like to touch the pumpkins?
Walk up to the doorman.
You like golf?
Do you like to play golf?
What's your favorite wood?
What's your favorite wood?
I like the number one.
I like the one, though.
The bomber.
would you like to touch the pumpkins walk up to the doorman you like golf do
you do you like to
play golf what's your favorite wood what's your favorite wood i like the number
one i like the
one though the bomber the bomber when you want to hurt somebody pull out that
one yeah when you
want to hurt someone you get the one boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom
boom boom boom boom boom boom
boom would you like to touch the pumpkins boom boom boom boom boom boom boom
boom boom excuse me would
you like to touch the pumpkins you like to touch the pumpkins my name's gump my
name's gump rupert
gump rupert gump i'm psychic okay you know i'm psychic how are you doing yeah
hold up some fingers
behind my head i'll tell you what hold up some fingers behind my head i can
tell you how many
fingers okay go ahead four four you expect me to eat this i'm lactose intolerant
you expect me to eat
this i'm lactose intolerant go along suckers go along suckers this guy is lucky
to be alive
very nice unassuming pleasant young man okay here we go one more time rupert g
the proprietor of the
hello deli we just saw it a second ago and me sitting in a van bothering people
all over new
york city hal roll that videotape how do you do sir how do you do sir i love
those james bond movies
not those james bond movies are you sure you sure that's not you you're not james
bond you're not
james bond no when was the last time you guys sold a car when was the last time
you guys sold a car
you're not the 007 guy you're not the 007 guy no you sure look like him you
sure look like him though
is your name billy is your name billy i'm sorry about the customers what do you
care tough guy
what do you care about that tough guy we're in jurassic park we're in jurassic
park no
excuse me is your name jimmy excuse me is your name jimmy no my name is jimmy
my name is jimmy
sometimes i just come here and meet other people named jimmy sometimes i just
come here and meet other
people whose names is jimmy really appreciate it this is my friend jimmy he's
my friend jimmy though
can you reach into the uh car and blow the horn
how you doing hi how you doing you deserve a break today you deserve a break
today were you in batman
you're in batman no i want to buy a car i want to buy a car i want to buy a car
i think you've broken
rupert's spirit here are you talking to mayor mccheese are you talking to mayor
mccheese
you know 007 you know 007 waiting for a bus right there waiting for the bus
right over there listen
carefully here's my last offer okay listen carefully this is my last offer 15
000 15 000
15 000 yeah the hot dog the hot dog and you let me call you monty and you let
me call you monty
all right all right you all right rupert oh shoot what happened uh i dropped my
pack oh no oh geez
did he bounce you yeah he bounced me yeah
uh do me a favor folks say hello to a good friend of ours rupert g this is the
man that owns and
operates the hello deli just outside the ed sullivan theater rupert g
a couple of months ago uh rupert and i spent the afternoon i was in a van and
rupert was dressed as
you see him here and he had in his ear an earpiece with which he could listen
to me talking to him on
a walkie-talkie he also had a a microphone and a hidden camera all of this gear
was hidden on his
body somewhere in this particular outfit and what we did was i would tell rupert
what to say and then
he would walk around saying these things and doing things that i would tell him
to just strangers and
people all over new york city so we spent a couple of days doing this just kind
of really annoying
people wasn't it yeah it was great fun too wasn't it it's pretty scary yeah a
little frightening
it's it's kind of an interesting little sociological experiment and perhaps the
kind of thing you
really shouldn't be doing here in new york city but we did it anyway rupert
dressed as he is and me
telling him what to do roll the videotape here we go folks i'd like a table i'd
like a table please
do you folks mind if i sit here would you mind if i sit here no no no my name's
jimmy my name is
jimmy where are you melon ranchers from where are you melon ranchers from how
are you doing hi my
name is jimmy hi my name is jimmy what's your name what's your name lance lance
nice meeting you lance
i'm from out of town lance lance i'm from out of town i want to b