Name: Peeping Times, January 25, 1978, Complete Show
Uploaded: 2017-08-04T04:40:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Peeping Times, January 25, 1978, Complete Show' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Peeping Times, January 25, 1978, Complete Show' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-04. Transcript available.

Peeping Times, January 25, 1978, Complete Show

The Black Sheep Squadron will not be presented tonight so that we may bring you
the following special program.
Peeping Times, your magazine of the air.
One solid hour of investigative reporting about people in the news, behind the
news, and underneath the news.
Peeping Times.
You've served seven years for smuggling illegal aliens.
Yes, from all over the world.
What was the most common method you used to get them into the country?
The mail.
The mail.
The strange phenomenon of Bigfoot, sometimes called the Yeti, Mamusa, Sasquatch,
or the Abominable Snowman.
Just exactly.
Why are you making me so many footprints?
Well, I'm helping to keep Bigfoot alive.
Why would you want to do that?
Well, in our little town of Yule.
Hi, Luke.
Billy.
This is Angelo Riccardo Bertinelli.
He is 38 years of age.
He is a New York longshoreman, much like any other longshoreman, except for one
thing.
Angelo wants to become a nun.
They call Hollywood Boulevard the street of dreams, the Champs Elysees, the
street of romance, the Via Veneto, the street of chic mystery.
But the street I'm standing on now is known as Sleaze Street.
And it's very likely that there's one just like it in your hometown.
Is that who I think it is?
Yes, that's Adolf Hitler in a home movie.
Looks a little like Mel Brooks.
I'm Miles Rathborn.
I'm Dan Cochran.
Arnie Vespuli is on assignment.
We'll have these and other stories on Peeping Times right after the following
messages.
Phoenix, Arizona.
See how people compare the new AMC Concorde DL with the latest Velari Sport Coupe.
It's got a lot more class than the Velari.
I said this would be $800 to $1,000 more.
And it should be.
$11, $12,000 more.
The Concorde is actually priced less than the Velari.
How about that?
It's unbelievable.
That's amazing.
I didn't even think they'd build a car like that for that price anymore.
Wrap it up.
I'll take it all.
The new AMC Concorde DL.
The luxury Americans want.
The value Americans need.
America was founded by immigrants.
We are the so-called melting pot of the world.
And most of those immigrants entered this nation legally.
Today, however, illegal aliens are a great and continuing problem.
On this subject, we filed this report.
There are 77 checkpoints along the border.
This is one of them, the Mexican border.
Thousands of illegal aliens come to the United States every year.
How do they do it?
What precautions are taken?
We talked to border patrolman James W. Hanson from Checkpoint 54.
Officer Hanson, how long have you been patrolling this border?
Oh, I'd say 10, 12 years.
Do you enjoy this sort of work?
Yes, I do, Dan.
Very much.
I feel we're doing something important here.
And I can honestly say I think we're doing our best.
Well, how do you explain so many aliens crossing the border illegally every
year?
Well, I don't know, Dan.
I'm completely dumbfounded.
I know that Larry and I do our job very thoroughly here at this checkpoint.
Well, there must be various methods that aliens use.
What do you do specifically to make sure no one enters illegally?
Well, every car is stopped and searched.
We check out the trunk, check out the seats.
Sometimes they have false seats.
Well, that's fine for motor vehicles.
What about someone crossing the border on foot?
Well, that's where Larry comes in.
Now, Larry scans that field.
If he notices any activity of a suspicious nature or an unnatural nature,
why, he comes to me and we take the necessary preventive measures.
I can honestly say that we are two men who are doing our jobs for the United
States of America.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You've served seven years for smuggling illegal aliens.
Yes.
From all over the world.
Hmm.
What was the most common method you used to get them into the country?
The mail.
The mail.
Let me see if I understand you correctly.
You sent illegal aliens through the mail?
Well, of course.
Parcel post.
I put an illegal alien in an ice curtain.
I seal it up.
You can send it anywhere.
I made the list three dozen to notacora.
Later that day, Mr. Matthews agreed to show us his technique for shipping
immigrants.
Now, you say that you actually pack them.
How?
Well, the first thing you do is to lay your illegal alien on the table.
Like this.
Then you get some of these papers.
And you put them in the armpits.
Like this.
Okay.
Then you fold the arms close to the chest as you would suit.
Then you lift the legs.
Like this.
And fold the knees in half.
Like that.
Making sure the elbows are tucked in carefully.
I see.
Doesn't that hurt?
No.
Okay.
Then what do you do?
Well, then you take the box.
Like this.
And you place your illegal alien into the box.
Oh, my, my.
Like this.
Okay.
Using lots of paper to cushion or whatever folds he may have.
Yes, I can see that.
No, no.
This is incredible.
It's absolutely unbelievable.
You okay?
Of course, I haven't taken the time.
But ordinarily, I would make some air hose on the side.
Oh, yes.
And put some sausage and lettuce in there for him.
Well, there you have it.
In a future program, we're going to be taking a look at another kind of alien.
Not simply those who come here from other countries.
But people who enter the United States from other planets.
Yes.
Space creatures who work on our farms and in our factories.
Taking away jobs from real America.
And now we come to a portion of our show that deals with a strange phenomenon.
It stood seven or eight feet tall.
Its eyes were like coal, staring, never seeming to close.
It was covered with hair, and the odor was frightful.
We were transfixed with fear.
The beginning of a gothic horror story?
No.
Something even stranger.
A description of Bigfoot.
The strange phenomenon of Bigfoot.
Sometimes called the Yeti.
Mamusa.
Sasquatch.
Or the abominable snowman.
Just example, why are you making these phony footprints?
Well, I'm helping to keep Bigfoot alive.
Why would you want to do that?
Well, in our little town of Yule.
Hi, Luke.
Billy.
In our little town of Yule here in the state of Washington.
You know, we all work together.
Keep Bigfoot alive.
Well, there's actually two of you doing this then.
Oh, no, me and Luke just do this on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
I'd say there's now about 10 or 12 of us that run these trails.
Why would so many people be involved in perpetuating the Bigfoot myth?
Tourist trade.
The town of Yule is a legitimate tourist trap.
Bigfoot means money.
Mayor Boyle, are you also involved in this obvious fraud?
Well, I think that fraud is a rather strong word, but yes.
See, I personally am in charge of placing little pieces of hair on the bushes.
People come across that, they get real excited.
My deputy there, he's in charge of the fake doo-doo.
Hey, Billy Joe, Billy Joe, come here.
The mayor wants to talk to you.
He's a little shy.
Sure.
Come on, deputy.
Howdy.
How do you do?
I understand you're in charge of doo-doo.
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
I spread about 17 pounds a day out there on the trails.
Mayor, aren't you willfully deceiving the public with this?
Oh, no, not at all.
Bigfoot really does exist.
We're just helping keeping it alive, just like advertising.
Well, gentlemen, the rhetoric is certainly well-rehearsed,
but isn't it true, after all, that there is not one single bit of tangible
proof?
Clyde's got him on film, right, Mayor?
Clyde Porter's got him on film.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, you're going to love this.
This thing, we got pictures of Bigfoot here.
Hi, how are you?
Me and Mildred, we was up in the mountains.
You know, Mildred's my old lady.
And we was up hiking, and we broke through this underbrush,
and there's this huge, hairy thing standing there.
I mean, it's big.
First, I thought, that's a bear.
I said, Mildred, look at that bear.
Get me the camera.
And she told me my camera I commenced to looking at,
and I said, that ain't no bear.
That's Bigfoot.
And I grabbed my camera and started to film him,
and he took off running.
I mean, these things are fast.
You wouldn't believe it.
And I run after him.
I don't think they like having their pictures took.
Let's see the film.
You're not afraid of big things.
I would like to see the film.
All right, here we go.
Oh, boy.
I smell something funny, Clyde.
Oh, right over in that area?
I smell something.
Yeah!
It's Bigfoot!
Look at the size of it!
Get out of my way, Mildred.
I'm coming through here.
Get out of my way.
There he is!
Look out there.
Stop!
Clyde, wait!
I dropped the camera!
Oh, my God!
Yeah.
Yeah.
Shoot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Did you see that thing?
Boy, is your heart beating?
Look at that.
Feel that.
No, thanks.
You know, all I saw was two people running away.
Then I saw a couple of real phony, hairy-looking feet.
Somebody just glopped on some fake fur.
But you know what kind of gave it away, Clyde?
What was hard for me to fathom?
One of the feet had an ankle bracelet on it.
I mean, that thing is...
I've seen that.
You know, I think these Bigfoots must be like they're vain creatures, you know?
But you saw it, didn't you?
I mean, you've seen that thing run through there, didn't you?
Boy, as big as a mountain.
I didn't see a thing.
Let me run it for you again here.
Now watch it.
Now watch it.
Okay, first the good news.
There's a delicious cereal for adults called C.W. Post.
Now the bad news.
Adults may never get to taste it.
Because the kids can't wait to dip into that oats, brown sugar, rice, wheat,
almonds, coconut, and honey.
Kids may not know C.W. Post family-style cereal is natural, vitamin-fortified,
and good for them.
They just like the taste so much.
Maybe they like it too much.
C.W. Post, the grown-up cereal with a taste kids can't resist.
Wake up, Pop.
You got a lot of plays to call today.
Listen, son, with this cold, I'll be blowing my nose more than this whistle.
Take daycare, Pop.
It's strong medicine.
Daycare.
Daycare from Vic.
Helps your stuffy nose.
Coughing.
Aches and pains for hours, and won't make you drowsy.
Hey, son.
Daycare really works.
Smart kid.
Let daycare take on your cold.
It's strong medicine.
We're testing some coffee drinkers to see if they can tell cream from Coffee
Mate.
Mrs. McClure, can you tell which cup of coffee has cream and which has Coffee
Mate non-dairy creamer?
I grew up on a farm in Ireland.
I think I know real cream and I taste it.
Wrong.
It's Coffee Mate and Cream.
I really thought it was cream.
Almost half the coffee drinkers we test think Coffee with Coffee Mate is Coffee
with Cream.
Can you taste the difference between Coffee Mate and Cream?
Try it.
Crime in America.
A growing problem.
Everybody is complaining, but what is being done about it?
There are those who say too much police time is being spent on victimless crime.
Crimes that do not affect another individual.
Excuse me, officer.
Excuse me, officer.
Why is this woman being brought in?
No comment.
Ma'am, why are you being arrested?
I removed the tag from my couch.
What?
I'm the one that says, do not remove under penalty of law.
Excuse me, is this true?
I said no comment.
It was just sticking out from the couch.
It was in the way.
It was stupid.
It didn't match anything.
If you think this is just one isolated case, you are in for a shock.
How long have you been in here?
Uh, for about a year now.
Yeah.
What was your original sentence?
Uh, two to five years for taping a baseball game without the express written
consent of the commissioner.
I got one of those videotape machines, you know, and they said you could tape
anything.
So, uh, I taped the game and then I went out dancing.
And when I got home and replayed it, they arrested me.
How can you put a man in jail for just taping a baseball game?
Without the express consent of the commissioner.
Oh, come on, Mr. Ryan.
That must seem absurd to even you.
The man broke the law.
He must be punished.
There was no harm done.
No one got hurt.
Why?
Look, it's very simple.
The commissioner has said no one is to tape a ball game without his consent.
Now, if he had written a letter asking permission, the commissioner probably
would have said,
okay, go ahead.
But he didn't do that.
H