Name: Hansom, Taxi Remotes on Letterman, 1980 and 1982
Uploaded: 2017-08-21T05:18:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hansom, Taxi Remotes on Letterman, 1980 and 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hansom, Taxi Remotes on Letterman, 1980 and 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-21. Transcript available.

Now, you know, life in New York City can be very hectic.
However, it's still one of the few places in the country where you can enjoy a
throwback
to another century, a leisurely ride in a horse-drawn, handsome cab.
For those of you who may be coming to New York and are planning a handsome cab
outing
in the near future, here are a few important tips.
One of the most charming aspects of New York City is the handsome cab.
What better way to see this town than in an open, horse-drawn carriage?
Now, if you're a tourist and you're coming from out of town, there's a hundred
ways to
hail a handsome cab.
I'm going to demonstrate for you now the one way not to hail a handsome cab.
Hey, handsome!
You talking to me, pal?
That's just a joke.
See, that'll get your lights turned out in most neighborhoods.
Well, here's the handsome cab.
This is Rhoda and Jim.
Jim is the one in the silly-looking hat.
Now, when you rent a handsome cab, it's going to run you 15 to 20 bucks, and
for that kind
of money, I like to feel at home.
So I brought a couple of things out of my own car.
Of course, the dice.
Excuse me, Rhoda.
Let me just put those up there.
And where would I go without one of these?
The answer is nowhere.
So let's fix that like that.
Okay.
Now, take along something to eat, because you're going to be outdoors, and it's
always nice
to have a little something, maybe some wine, and pack some sandwiches.
Mmm.
Well, nothing enhances a fine meal like the aroma of a live horse.
Okay.
Up to the New York State thruway, please.
Let me show you a little thing you can do, kind of a trick I like to play when
I'm riding
in the handsome cab.
Roll up.
Maybe you get stopped at a light next to a hot dog guy.
Excuse me.
I like three hot dogs, three with mustard, two with kraut, one with onions.
And place yourself an order with a little...
$2.25.
$2.25?
Yes.
No problem.
And as you'll see in a minute, it really is no problem.
It's a little trick.
Anybody can do it.
And $2.25?
Okay.
And a nice way to get a little something extra to eat, or maybe just give it to
the horse.
Okay.
Driver, take off, if you will.
Thank you very much, sir.
Okay.
We'll get it to you.
No problem.
Okay.
Pick it up a little bit, Jim.
Thank you.
It works every time.
There's actually only one real problem with riding in a handsome cab.
If you're a little bit shy, it's difficult to remain inconspicuous.
You're out in the open, right in the middle of a lot of traffic.
And if this bothers you, here's something you can do.
Get yourself a disguise.
Put on a hat.
And maybe a cheap pair of sunglasses.
This way, nobody knows who you are, and you can ride in complete security and
comfort.
Hey.
What are you doing in a handsome cab?
You look like a jerk.
You know, all in all, a day in a handsome cab would be pretty romantic.
Nice picnic lunch or fine wine.
Another good touch is music.
Some people bring along a radio.
Some people bring along a radio.
Not me.
I prefer the real thing.
Oh, come on up to Willie.
Two more times around the park and I'll buy you a hot dog.
We have to pause for a couple of commercials.
Dr. Isaac Asimov will be here.
We'll be right back.
You know, one of the nice things about life in New York City is you get to
spend a lot of
time riding in cabs.
This can be a grueling experience or it can be a treat and a privilege if you
know how to
do it properly.
I'd like to now share with you some tips that we have put together on riding in
a cab.
Help!
Just like clockwork, huh?
Well, first thing you need to know about a cab is posted right here.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Posted right here on the door.
The rate's $1 for the first one-ninth of a mile and then 10 cents for each
additional
ninth of a mile.
So it's important to bring along plenty of time.
Now it's time to meet the man who's going to be your host for the ride.
Hello, Randolph.
How did I know his name was Randolph?
Well, every New York City cab driver is considerate enough to place a photo of
himself and his
name right on the dashboard.
When was that picture taken, Randolph?
Last year.
You're feeling better now, though, aren't you?
As a passenger, you should be just as considerate, place a photo of yourself
and your name right
along side of the picture of the driver.
Now what you need to do, establish some kind of a rapport with your driver.
Every New York City cab driver loves a good joke.
You know, Randolph, you don't mind if I pay you in foreign currency, do you?
Actually, I'm just teasing.
I'm virtually penniless.
Well, that kind of broke the ice.
Now let's check out the equipment.
Attention, Kmart shoppers.
Everything on aisle six is now 20% off.
All items on aisle six, 20% off.
Seems to be working just fine.
Okay.
Every New York City cab driver surely loves hijinks.
Here's a dime for the first tenth of a mile, and we're on our way.
The way I look at it, the cab is actually your home away from home.
After all, you're paying for it, so why not make yourself at home?
So whenever I travel by cab, I bring along a few items to make it a little more
comfortable for myself.
These are great.
I like to put these in the back window here.
It gives me the feeling that I'm still in my living room.
Plus, I've also found that cab drivers actually prefer these things to tips, so
they'll enjoy that also.
Boy, look at all this window space.
The cab cries for curtains, doesn't it?
I bring along my own curtains, and with just a little effort, you can stick
them right up there over that window.
Now, here's where the fun begins.
You know, driving a cab is long, hard-working.
Every cab driver, he enjoys a little surprise after a hard day behind the wheel,
so I'm a puppet show.
Hey, mister, can you take me to quit?
I love it, too.
So, we're all settled in.
Good time to sit back, do a little exploration, find out what maybe other
passengers have left behind.
Always check under the floor mats.
Oh, we're in luck today.
It's a lovely tie to be worn by a Shriner, and, of course, a wallet.
I'll just bet that it's, yes, it's empty.
And one of these deals.
Oh, this is nice.
Have what appears to be some rare roast beef and some cheese.
I'm not sure which is which.
This, I guess, is potato salad.
That brings up another interesting point about New York City cabs.
They're great places for a perfect romantic dinner.
Use the jump seat here as a table.
Most cabs come with two.
And it's not a bad idea to bring along a table cloth like that.
And don't forget the ashtrays and the change container.
In this ashtray, I've placed an assortment of party nuts.
And here we have some mints.
This ashtray is full of important caviar.
As we did there a few moments ago.
So now you're all set to sit back and enjoy a fine bottle of wine.
For my money, you can't beat a fine imported wine along with the aroma of
exhaust jumes.
Okay, driver, let's go.
Just a second.
Before we take off, a word about music.
Romantic music would be perfect, but unfortunately, most cab drivers don't like
you listening to their radio.
That's fine with me because, frankly, I prefer live music.
You all set, Uncle Pete?
How far are we going today, Mr. Letterman?
We're only going to Queens.
All right.
Okay.
Thank you.