Name: Jay Thomas on Letterman, October 9, 1992
Uploaded: 2017-08-24T19:59:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Thomas on Letterman, October 9, 1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Thomas on Letterman, October 9, 1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-24. Transcript available.

Our first guest has won an Emmy Award for his work on Murphy Brown, The Murphy
Brown Show,
and he stars this season with Susan Day in his brand new television series
entitled Love and War,
which can currently be seen Monday nights on the CBS Television Network.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jay Thomas.
Jay!
Yes, sir. Good to meet you.
We've never met.
Never met, although I feel I know you because I've seen you for many, many
years on various television programs.
Tell me about The Murphy Brown Show. How long were you on that program?
I was on for a couple, two, three years. I had like one little shot, and I was
so good.
What did you do? Were you her boyfriend?
Let me explain my career to you, Dave.
I'm an unusual-looking character actor, and they brought me on as a right-wing
talk show host,
and they said, wouldn't it be fun if we had the unusual-looking guy fall in
love with the beautiful Murphy Brown?
The good-looking Murphy Brown, yeah.
So they had us fall in love.
Cool.
Really good.
Yeah, good for you.
And you were the boyfriend for like three years on the show?
I was the boyfriend for three years, and I was the right-wing boyfriend, and
she was the left-wing,
and that, of course, was the crux.
Now, were you the father of the baby? Were you in that deal?
No, I practiced safe sex and was not the father of the baby.
Her ex-husband came back, got her up on a desk.
This happened, and I didn't write it.
It happened on the show?
On the show at the desk, and then she was impregnated by him.
When he found out, he left town.
How much of this was actually shown on the program is what I don't understand.
They stopped with the, you know, the climbing.
Oh, oh, man.
Yeah.
I got to start getting home earlier on Monday nights.
Yeah, you got to, you know, you know.
And you won an Emmy for that role.
What was the character's name?
Jerry Gold.
Jerry Gold.
What was his name?
Now, you can't go back that because you're a different character.
I'm Jack Stein now.
See, I'm Jack Stein.
You're Jack Stein.
No, of course, the paperwork alone would be too bad.
Yeah, it would just take weeks to figure it out.
But they're both Jewish guys, so I could actually, you know, I sort of,
and now Jack Stein is nothing like Jerry Gold at all.
Jack Stein's an opinionated columnist.
He is not a...
A happening guy.
Yeah, he's not a talk show host.
He's an opinionated columnist.
It's a whole different thing.
But again, the good thing for you, the good news for you,
is you get to be on the show with another really attractive woman and talented
actress.
Susan Day.
And she and Candace Bergen were voted recently by some, like, a men's health
magazine.
Oh, yeah.
I subscribe to that.
Men's health.
You do subscribe to that, don't you?
I have a copy upstairs.
I know you do.
Men's health, yeah.
I was in the bathroom.
I was reading it.
How do we get in the bathroom?
What are we doing in the bathroom?
The article was how tight underwear stopped you from having kids.
I see.
They were voted the two most...
You didn't do the puzzle, did you?
No, I didn't do the puzzle.
I'll do that for you.
Where were we?
I forget where you were.
We were...
The big vote on women, the most desirable women.
They were the two most fantasized about women in the United States.
Is that true among the men here?
I would say certainly in the case of Candace Bergen, yeah.
And Susan Day, you wouldn't fantasize about Susan?
Yes, but she doesn't come to mind as readily as does Candace Bergen, I guess
because Candace
Bergen has been here, and I kind of know her, so I would be more prone to
fantasize about her.
You don't have to explain it to me.
That's okay.
I don't care who you fantasize about.
I felt the need to explain and defend here.
I'm sorry.
So they were the most fantasized.
So I've been with the two most fantasized.
Now, these are women in real life who would not date me in real life.
Well, you don't know that.
I do know that.
You think so?
I know that I'm, you know, I don't think they'd date you either, so don't worry
about it.
Just speak for yourself, Big Mouth.
But it must be a great kick and very satisfying to have that job.
Oh, and the money.
Yeah, the money.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You know what?
Why don't actors ever come on and say, God, you know, the money is terrific,
you know?
Yeah.
Because that would alienate the people they're trying to entertain, which you've
done successfully
right here.
Let's do a commercial, and we'll continue with Jay Thomas here.
Jay Thomas is here from Love and War Blue Rodeo, will be out later, and the
only female athlete
ever to compete in the history of the NHL, Mando Real.
Jay Thomas is here.
You know, I know some...
Oh, I'm sorry.
What is it?
The art.
Yeah, it's a piece of art we have there hanging on Paul's organ.
What do you think?
It looks like...
It's $5,000.
It looks like something out of your refrigerator, doesn't it?
Like, you know, like your little kid did it?
Well, thank you very much.
Did you do it?
I'm sorry.
No, I didn't.
No, I didn't do it.
It's just we're displaying original artwork on Paul's musical box over there.
Oh, you do it all the time?
We do it, yeah, once a week.
Oh, excuse me.
I didn't mean to...
No, that's all right.
It's fabulous.
Yeah.
What is it?
It's a piece of artwork.
I know.
What is it?
What does it mean to you?
Well, it doesn't mean anything to me.
It means something to put on Paul's organ and waste a few minutes every night
talking about it.
Okay, fine.
I just thought I'd help you waste a couple of minutes.
And once again, it served its purpose.
There you go.
Thank you.
How's the bit going as a weekly thing?
Just about like it went here.
Yeah, okay.
Now, Jay, in talking about your visit this afternoon, I was taken by one little
episode of your life
that, as you just mentioned in the commercial, at the time was very painful.
Now it's kind of amusing.
Can you share that with folks?
Yeah, when I was very young, and I think you...
How old were you?
I was about 20, 21 years old.
I was dating a woman.
In fact, I play a guy who has trouble in relationships, so this is...
Jerry Gold, right?
No, no, no.
Jack Stein.
Oh, Jack Stein.
I'm sorry.
The other Jewish guy.
I've got to get to my TV guy.
Yeah, you really have to...
I have to straighten this out.
So my girlfriend had broken up with me, and I thought of a great way to get her
back.
You know, like, will you marry me?
Yeah.
And we got back.
Well, that's cute.
Well, we had to get married then.
And so we fought a lot, and we got married, and then we continued to fight in
the car on
the way home from the wedding.
Oh, you actually had a big church wedding?
No, it was a small.
We just went across the state line, because she was too young to marry in the
state we lived
in at the time.
How old was she?
She was...
It's probably against the law.
It was the South.
They, you know, they...
Oh, sure.
So what you're saying is anything goes down there.
Yeah, of course.
Captain of a softball team, and I think it's legal if they marry.
So we got married, and we began to argue in the car, and she took the ring off
and tossed
it out the window as we were driving, and there was a big open field as there
are in the
South.
Valuable ring?
Very valuable at the time, and it had a flaw in it.
That's why I'd gotten it cheap.
It was all the time.
And my friend Larry sold it to me.
He had a broken marriage.
So...
What a bunch of losers.
We were zeros.
We were married one hour.
One hour.
We were married one hour, and as you know, I don't know if you know this or not,
but in
many states, even though you decide within an hour that you're breaking up, you
still must
wait a year to get divorced.
I didn't realize that.
Yes, you do.
So you had to wait a year, and then she had to be kept in the way that she was
accustomed.
That was the settlement.
Yes, and since we're only in the car, I gave her a pinto.
I thought that was the best thing.
And what became of her?
Do you still stay in touch with her?
No, no.
You're not really friendly with her.
I had to go back.
I spent the rest of the day searching for the ring, which I found, and brought
back to
Larry.
And he gave me...
I spent $1,500, and he gave me $750.
Attaboy.
Yeah, he's a good guy, Larry.
No, I don't know whatever happened to her.
Did she remarry?
She will probably be calling some, you know...
Well, that would be sort of nice.
...Jacobe and Myers tomorrow morning.
No, no, no.
But you mean, after all these years...
No.
...20-some years, you still haven't heard from her?
Never saw her again.
Your first wife, and you haven't heard from her at all?
No, and I don't really want to.
Let's stop talking about it.
Well, Jay, stand up and turn around, because she's right over there.
I love it.
I love the music.
The music always...
That's what makes you believe for a second that she might be back there.
You know, I kept asking me, I said, you know, why do you keep asking me about
this marriage?
And she says, oh, for no reason in particular.
I'm thinking, oh, God, they found her.
They found her.
You know?
And, you know, then I read...
This is true.
It happened.
The Pintos used to blow up.
Yeah, that's right.
So I read that about two weeks later and had a big smile on my face as I'm
reading the newsroom.
I'm thinking, no kidding.
You know, there is some justice in the world.
That's an awful thing to say.
So maybe she was a statistic for all I know, I know.
Oh, God.
You've won them back now, Jay.
You've got them right back.
Now, let's talk about this show, this Love and War.
Try and get the name right at least once.
Love and War.
Love and War is the name of it.
Love and War.
Very successful.
It was like number seven the first week, seven and eight, right in there?
Seven and eight.
Yeah.
Has anybody watched?
Big, big, big.
Very good.
Thank you.
Good to see you, Jay.
Good luck with the show.
Thanks for being here.
I appreciate it.
Jay Thomas, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be right back.