Name: Gordon Cooper Phone Calls Collection on Letterman, 1984, 1989 (Full)
Uploaded: 2017-09-02T17:56:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gordon Cooper Phone Calls Collection on Letterman, 1984, 1989 (Full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gordon Cooper Phone Calls Collection on Letterman, 1984, 1989 (Full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-02. Transcript available.

Gordon Cooper Phone Calls Collection on Letterman, 1984, 1989 (Full)

Regular viewers of this program have come to know and love a number of what we
around the office call
running jokes or running gags. Most of you have seen them on the air or on the
commemorative stamps
available at the post office. To name a few, the giant doorknob, the car and
truck rental song,
the housemate of stadium trash. Well, tonight marks the end of one of late
night's most successful
and most beloved running gags, the conspiracy guy. Yes, we're all sorry to see
it go, but like MASH or
Mary Tyler Moore, it's just run its course. And at this time, I'd like to
introduce the three fine young
actors who have performed so brilliantly in all of these running conspiracy
mini dramas. So, as I
introduce them, if they can come out and just take a bow, Joe Toplin and Sandy
Frank as the uniformed goons.
Joe, Sandy, come on up.
And now, as Mr. Conspiracy himself, Chris Elliott. Chris, come on out and take
it.
Nice job.
Look at that. The folks are on their feet. You guys, you've done a nice job, a
great job.
And you've entertained millions of Americans, and thank you very much. And we
have kind of a surprise for you tonight.
We have put together a little videotape retrospective to share some of the
great moments that we all shared during the run of the conspiracy guy.
So, if you'll watch the monitors here and take a look at some videotape we've
put together for you.
Uh, yes, sir, what can we do for you? What is your name?
I think you know who I am.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
We have one more special surprise for you guys.
Hal, is the telephone call ready?
Yes, sir.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, on the other end of this telephone is Mercury
astronaut and
American hero, Colonel Gordon Cooper.
Colonel Cooper, thank you so much for calling.
Good evening, Mr. Letterman.
This is Colonel Gordon Cooper.
Yes, sir.
It was certainly good of you to take the time to call tonight, Gordon.
Oh, I'm glad to do it, Dave.
I just wanted to say congratulations to you and the three young men who've made
America
so proud that they're flying so far.
Well, thank you very much.
I've enjoyed exploring the frontiers of space, and your boys are pioneers, too,
so please
give me my best.
Well, Gordon, I sure will, and thank you very much for your call.
It was an honor to have you be with us tonight.
Thank you, Dave.
All right.
Good night.
Well, that was...
Gentlemen, again, thank you.
Thank you very much.
On behalf of all America.
Gosh.
What a moment, huh?
Yeah.
Quite a night.
We'll be right back with Mr. Joe Theismann, folks.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Nice job, Teddy.
Thank you, Dave.
Nice to meet you.
Please come back and see us whenever you're...
Oh, certainly.
Thank you for the invitation.
Anytime.
Very funny stuff.
Hal, is the phone call ready?
We have a very special phone call from a very special man.
I believe it is, Dave.
All right.
Is it right here on the line?
I'll take it.
Yeah, hello.
Good evening, Mr. Leiderman.
This is Colonel Gordon Cooper's face.
Well, Colonel, good evening.
It's quite an honor to be speaking with you, sir.
Oh, the honor is mine, David, to be a part of your historic reverse image telecast.
Let me just add my congratulations on the success of your bold experiment.
Well, thank you very much, Colonel.
David, as a Project Mercury astronaut, I orbit the Earth blazing new frontiers.
While you, as an NBC TV personality, are broadcast into numbers of homes in
many parts of the country.
Keep up that good work.
Well, I'll certainly do my best, Colonel.
Well, America's proud of you.
And also that little guy who plays piano for you.
Congratulations again.
Okay.
Well, thank you so much for calling again, Colonel Cooper.
Always an honor.
Good night, Dave.
Good night, Gordon.
Pretty exciting, isn't it?
We're going into the control room now?
Okay, let's take one final look at the festivities in our control room as the
completion of this historic evening comes to a close.
Here he comes.
He's coming to the control room now.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Bill, will you have the ushers pass out the Dramamine, please?
Oh, I'm going in.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead and have a little, uh...
What time is rehearsal?
All right.
Well, congratulations, ladies and gentlemen.
I think we've done it again.
All right.
That's it.
Are we finished here?
Calgary, you're going to take us off the air, please.
All right, Larry, go ahead.
Stand by three.
What do I say?
I don't know.
What are you going to say?
I don't know.
We're off the air.
Okay, this is working even better than I had hoped.
I want to thank everybody who was a part of this magic evening.
We'll see you tomorrow night.
Good night.
Good night.
Letter number five.
Dear Dave, why do hot dogs come ten to a pack and hot dog buns come eight to a
pack?
Sincerely, George S. Williams, Victorville, California.
Well, George, because your question is of a technical nature, let me turn you
over now
to our own Jimmy Fitzgerald in Technician's Corner.
Jimmy?
You ask an interesting question, George.
Manufacturers include those two extra hot dogs in every package
because they know that people just don't eat hot dogs.
They also use them around the house.
For example, a toothbrush is much easier for your child's hand to hold
when it has one of these cushioned hot dog grips.
And it's easier to keep track of your rings, tie clips, and cufflinks with
these attractive jewelry organizers.
But one of the most valuable uses for the hot dog is to suppress the noise of
automatic pistol fire.
Like this nine millimeter brownie high power.
Just screw the hot dog into the muzzle with a twisting motion.
When the gun is fired, the fatty meat traps, cools, and gradually releases the
hot gases
so that the normally deafening blast is just a whisper.
Just use the hot dog once, then replace it.
But save the old ones, they're muzzle-cooked and mighty good.
So remember, if you want to be neat, plug your muzzle with meat.
What did he say?
Plug your muzzle with meat.
Good Lord.
All right, we have a wonderful program tonight.
Mr. John Candy is here.
Also, Usherette Thelma Moore.
All right, fine.
Also, Mr. Wizard will be on this program.
And a visit, a short visit from our own Larry Millman.
So we've got a fine show.
Come on back, guys.
Come on back, guys.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Welcome back.
We've got a good show tonight.
John Candy is going to be out here in just a minute.
Yes, Hal, what is it?
I believe there's a phone call.
Phone call.
All right.
Right here, is this the illuminated button?
Hit that one.
Pick it up?
Pick it up, man.
Okay.
Hello?
Good evening, David.
This is Colonel Gordon Cooper speaking.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Gordon Cooper, former astronaut.
And quite an American hero.
How are you doing, Colonel?
I'm fine, David.
I just wanted to congratulate you on your viewer mail segment.
Uh-huh.
As astronaut, I orbited the globe, blazing new frontiers.
Now, when you enter your viewer mail, you're a national communication system to
respond to
letters from various places around the country.
That's really something, I think.
Keep up the good work.
Well, thank you very much, Colonel.
You're doing a fine job with the mail.
America is proud of you.
Thank you again.
Excuse me, Colonel Cooper, but didn't you call us last night on the air to
congratulate
us about the reverse image show?
I sure did, David.
Is there some problem with me calling two nights in a row?
Uh, no.
No, that's fine.
It's always a pleasure to hear from you, sir.
Thank you for calling.
Thank you, David.
Congratulations again, and good night.
Okay.
Gordon Cooper called again, Paul.
He's a very considerate man.
Really nice.
My first guest...
Thanks to Ed McMahon and his program Star Search, the term spokesmodel has
become a part
of everyone's everyday vocabulary.
Tonight, it is our pleasure to welcome that show's $100,000 grand champion
spokesmodel,
Tracy Ross.
So nice to see you.
Do you like to dance?
Sure, I do.
Oh, my.
Thank you very much.
The seat right here.
Tracy, good heavens, good heavens, good heavens.
How are you?
Fine, thank you.
Congratulations on your big victory.
Oh, thank you very much.
Now, for people who may not be familiar with the program, what exactly is a
spokesmodel?
What does this person do?
A spokesmodel is a unique term coined for someone who's able to walk and talk
at the same time.
Unbelievable.
And, um, did you always want to be a spokesmodel?
Well, I always wanted to walk and talk at the same time.
Uh-huh.
So this is a good opportunity.
Now, how did you get involved with the show?
Well, I was watching, and the spokesmodel who was on Star Search when I was
watching said,
if you'd like to be on Star Search, send an 8x10 photo of yourself to Star
Search.
Mm-hmm.
Box S-T-A-R.
So I did.
Yeah.
That's all.
But you originally applied in a different category, right?
Oh, I applied an actress category.
And what happened when you turned in your application as an actress contestant?
I got screen tested for it, but they switch off actor and actress every other
week,
so they need half as many women in the actress category.
So it was filled up.
So they asked me if I'd like to be in the model category,
and I figured a bird in a half is worth three, four, and a bush.
So I went for it.
Yeah.
Um, now, why isn't there a male spokesmodel competition?
I don't know.
Yeah.
What are you going to do with the dough?
Um...
Have you gotten it yet?
Have you received the money?
You know what?
I haven't picked my check up yet, but I have...
I can pick it up.
I'm the only one who hasn't picked hers up yet,
and it's because I just can't deal with it yet.
You have to go by Ed's house to get the check?
Is that...
No.
No.
All I have to do is go up to Telerep, and I've seen the check.
I...
It says 1-0-0-0-0-0...
0?
Yeah.
...point-0-0, right?
Yeah.
And so what are you going to do with this money?
Um, try to keep it.
Mm-hmm.
Now, does...
Does...
Is this...
This is not tax-free, is it?
No, but when they give it to me, it's the $100,000 intact.
Yeah.
Well, sure it is.
And then when I get outside, the IRS wrestles me to the ground.
You're doing that off, yeah.
Do you have any idea how much you're going to be able to keep there?
Well, I've been incorporated, so hopefully I'll be able to keep some of it.
Yeah.
Now, you're going to model for us a little bit later, aren't you?
Now, do we have a phone call here?
Is that what I understand?
Oh, great.
We have a phone call.
This will be exciting.
Where...
Just push this button here.
That's right.
All right.
Hello?
Good evening, David.
This is Colonel Gordon Cooper speaking.
Goodbye.
This is exciting.
Ladies and gentlemen, former astronaut Gordon Cooper, as always, sir, a
pleasure to hear
from you.
To what do we owe this great honor this time?
Well, actually, David, I wanted to speak to the young lady.
Tracy Ross.
Sure, Tracy, it's Colonel Cooper for you on the phone, former Mercury astronaut.
Yes, Ross, I just wanted to add my congratulations on your being named the
Grand Champion in the
Star Search Spokesmodel Competition.
Well, thank you, Colonel.
As an astronaut, I was one of the first Americans into space.
As a spokesmodel, you're blazing trails towards stars of a different kind.
I certainly will do my best.
The space program is very important to Americans.
So, again, the man's program.
Keep up the good work, and please say goodnight today, Clark.
I will, Colonel.
Good night.
Apparently, there's calls from time to time, Colonel.
Yeah, we have to go away, but we're coming back, and then we're going to see
you do the
spokesmodeling.
All right.
Tracy Ross will be here.
We have all kinds of folks.
We'll be right back.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, winter's almost over, and spring is just ar