Name: Jay Leno on Letterman, September 26, 1984
Uploaded: 2017-09-13T15:05:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Leno on Letterman, September 26, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Leno on Letterman, September 26, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-13. Transcript available.

Okay, we have a good show. Jay Leno is a very, very funny young man, and he
will be out here in just a second as soon as I introduce him.
He is my first guest. He is a good friend of President Reagan.
Also a very talented comedian, he will be appearing this weekend at the Carlton
Backstage in Minneapolis.
Please welcome Jay Leno.
Thank you. Nice to see you. Good to see you, David.
You have my magazine.
Yeah, we have your magazine. Do you want to take a minute to clarify this, good
friend of President Reagan's?
No, what happened was the last time I was on the show, President Reagan had
seen the show, and one of his staff called me to ask me about a joke.
Now, if I took time out every time I had a state called me, good heavens, I
wouldn't have.
But you know that's true.
He really called?
No, he didn't call. Someone from the staff called me about it.
Yeah, but he doesn't stay up this late, does he?
Not when you're on, but when I'm a guest, occasionally he does stay.
He says I don't get a chance that often, but when you're on, I watch.
Okay, well, that's very nice.
I have a copy here of something called Writer.
That's right.
Writer Magazine.
This is a motorcycle enthusiast's publication.
That's right, I'm in there. There's an interview with me.
All right, let's see.
Yep, here it is.
You know what's funny, David?
Picture of Jay right on the inside there. Nice drawing, nice story, I guess.
I happened to see you in Playboy magazine.
Did anybody see this?
You know what's so funny?
You know what's so funny when we're talking about magazines?
You know, the people from Playboy called me, and they asked me to do an
interview for Playboy,
and rather than do my interview in Playboy, I did mine in Women Are Our Equals
magazine.
This is more...
Can you get a shot?
Who's on the cover there?
Well, let's see.
There's Geraldine Ferraro, then there's a story on here in Margaret Mead.
Here's an interview with Gloria Steinem.
Now, let's see who's in your magazine, David.
Muffy, Muffy, Muffy doesn't like guys who are turn-offs.
Muffy's favorite movies are Bambi and The L-Shaped Room.
You know what's interesting?
I picked up this copy of Playboy to read your interview.
And I realized at age 34, it's not that I'm too old for Playboy.
It's just that Playboy is written for guys 18 to 25.
I think once most guys hit 30, you tend to see through the tricks Playboy uses
to keep men interested in the magazine.
Like in the front of Playboy now, they have this thing where they have pictures
of four or five playmates,
and they ask each playmate a question.
And, of course, each woman answers in her own words.
Like last month's question was,
What kind of men do you like?
Now, here you have these incredibly attractive women.
You can go out with anybody they want.
And they always give some Playboy answer like,
Well, I like dumb guys with no money.
So, you know there's some 18-year-old locked in the latrine of the USS Kitty
Hawk
in the middle of the Mediterranean going,
Hey, I could go out with her.
I'm going to write her a letter in crayon on paperback.
How about...
Let me ask you.
How about the penthouse letters?
Do you ever read those?
Occasionally, yeah.
Now, do you think the penthouse letters are real?
No, I don't think they're real.
Does anybody think the penthouse letters are real?
There you go.
See, the penthouse letters are based on the assumption
that any woman whose car breaks down on a deserted highway
in the middle of the night is looking to have sex.
And if you buy that, if you buy that,
then the truck driver who stops to help her with a can of Ready Whip,
this makes perfect sense.
See, you know what I like?
I like the penthouse letters that are written by women.
Because you know they're not written by women.
You know some dark-brained guy wrote this letter.
You know, your typical penthouse was something like,
Dear penthouse, I'm an attractive woman,
and then she gives her measurements,
as most women do when writing a letter.
Huh?
That's fairly common, isn't it?
And should you have pouting breasts or supple buttocks,
you want to put that in the letter as well,
so people know a little bit more about you than you need to go.
You know what it is?
Your likes, dislikes, that sort of thing.
But the great thing about it is,
they state the fantasy so matter-of-factly.
You know, it's always like, again, from an alleged woman.
It's always,
Dear penthouse, I'm an attractive woman
who is an avid feminist
and president of my local ERA chapter.
Recently, my boss asked me to get him coffee.
When I refused, he took me over his knee
and gave me a sound spanking.
Needless to say, I became his love slave.
Needless to say.
Now, I think any woman...
A plus B equals C.
Any woman that's had office experience
has been through this kind of thing.
We have an office full of love slaves upstairs.
That's right.
Now, let me just ask you about
just one little thing here in the article.
What have you got to ask me?
Well, just, let's see.
Talking about being on the road,
Leno says,
And every week, sometimes every day,
I'm in a different city,
but in each city,
I always manage to meet
a new group of motorcycle people.
Sure, I always meet bikers.
I always go to hang around bike shops.
Bike shops.
That's right.
Now, motorcycle people,
are these outlaws?
No, no, David.
Now, we all can't have friends
at Studio 54 in this kind of life.
These are what you call...
I've never even driven by the place.
These people are what you call
my America.
What I usually do
is go to whatever European bike shop
is in town.
Are there a lot of European bike shops?
There are many European bike shops in town.
That sell beamers.
What is a Beamer?
That would be a BMW.
A Beamer.
That's cute.
You should learn some American slang.
It could help.
A Moto Guzzi.
Did I pronounce that correctly?
That's Moto Guzzi.
Yeah, what kind of a bike is that?
Huh?
It's an Italian bike.
It's an Italian bike.
What does it sound like?
I don't know.
Levertas.
Levertas, also an Italian bike.
Are these expensive, fast bikes?
Yes, expensive.
Do you own one of each of these?
I don't own any of those.
No, I don't make the kind of money you do.
I'm a working comic.
And Ducatis.
And Ducatis.
I have one of those.
You have a Ducati.
Tell me, is it a nice bike?
Nice bike.
Why don't you come for a ride with me?
No, I'm not going to do that, Jay.
I went for a ride with you once in your car.
This is something.
All right, we've got to do a commercial there.
No, no, we have to do a commercial.
See, you wasted time with that.
I didn't waste time.
No, this is the kind of thing people want to know,
like that Beamer deal.
That's cute.
We'll pause here for a commercial.
We'll be right back with our old friend, Jay.
Okay, we're back with Jay Leno,
better known as the Beamer.
Now, Jay, last time you were on, I said,
when are you going to favor us with your Elvis impression?
You used to do a great impression.
We've done a film.
You did a film?
We did a film.
This is part of a kind of a Showtime cable thing.
The name of the film is Viva Late Night.
Viva Late Night.
And in the film, I play a young Elvis character
by the name of Billy Tupelo,
who moves from a small rural southern town
to a big rural southern town
to try to raise enough money to help his daddy's farm.
Now, we have a clip from the film.
You've actually completed filming.
Oh, yeah.
This will be all over the country.
This will be opening.
It's called Viva Late Night.
And I'm not sure what the clip is.
You know, I do so many shows with these things.
Can we run the clip?
I think let's just run the clip.
This is the scene where Elvis tries to get a job
in a popular night spot.
Oh, this is going to be good.
Just take this and go to work.
I've got to be here.
All right, much, Miss Moran.
I won't let you down.
I promise.
I'm going to do a real good job.
Monique.
Monique.
Get that out of me.
Excuse me.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, that bus boy's going here.
I think I've seen him on Late Night.
Hey, bus boy.
My girlfriend says she's seen me on Late Night.
What's right about all my program?
Oh, yeah.
I think Late Night stinks.
My mama told me that in America,
every man is entitled to him.
Yeah?
In my opinion, David Letterman's a wimp.
You better watch him out.
When Mr. Letterman, he helped pay for my daddy's farm.
I think the bus boy's yellow.
Yeah, I think his chicken is a big young chicken.
I think his chicken is a big young chicken.
Late night, late night, late night.
Vivo, vivo, late night.
We're the opening nationally.
I owe you an apology.
When you started talking about that,
I thought for sure it was going to be something stupid.
Oh, no.
Feature-length film.
Very nice job.
Thank you very much.
That cost a lot of money, didn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you know, when you have an unlimited budget
and you're working with people like Spielsburg,
it makes it a lot easier there.
We work with Cord Keller,
a very popular young director,
director of this film.
David, I found something else.
I know you got you.
I know.
This really made me mad.
You always travel with...
Do you remember the last time I was on this program?
You travel with your TV guide.
Thank you, David.
Do you remember the last time?
Are you in a hurry?
No, no, no.
You try to come in.
You see, you've got to keep the pace going.
I know, I know.
Do you remember the last time I was on the program?
I talked about Knight Rider
and the fact that they had an evil twin on the show.
That's right.
And then I saw Simon and Simon,
and they had their evil twin.
Tomorrow night,
this is this week's TV guide,
this is tomorrow night,
Magnum P.I. premiere.
Read this, please.
Just read it.
Magnum P.I.,
Magnum in love,
a beautiful woman and her evil twin.
When is it going to stop?
Has anyone...
Has anyone ever...
used this as an excuse?
Huh?
Honey, that wasn't me
shagging up with that girl.
That was my evil twin.
You got to...
If I ever catch that guy,
I'm going to punch him in the nose,
I tell you.
Doesn't come up much.
Now, you're already sort of worked up.
You want to get right to your beef?
Yeah, I got some beefs.
You know,
these subliminal ads
that they see now,
you see this one,
they, for some kind of brand flake,
you know what I'm talking about?
They show this generic-looking
yuppie couple
walking through the market,
you know?
The husband says,
there's nothing different here.
And then the wife gets like
this reverend moon look
on her face.
You know,
suddenly they're being followed
by this monolithic box
of brand flakes.
You hear that undercurrent
of satanic music,
brand flakes,
brand flakes.
People with sixes on their heads
are eating this stuff
in unison there.
Are they putting
some kind of hallucinogenic
in this?
No, no, it's a frightening thing.
Yeah, it's ugly.
And then when they use fear,
like these American Express ads,
these are very embarrassing.
They show these noodle-brained
Americans
traveling around the world
constantly annoying people
from other lands,
and then suddenly
these toadheads
lose their travelers.
And for some odd reason,
they never seem to lose
their checks
in any reasonably
civilized country,
you know?
They're all stranded
on the Iranian-Iraqi border
somewhere, you know?
And Khomeini's banging
on the door there,
a bunch of slave traders
are touching this guy's wife
all over the place,
you know?
This guy's thinking,
if I had those checks,
I could buy her back
right now.
What a tough one for me.
We have just enough time,
I believe,
for you to tell us
where you're going to be now.
Oh, well, tomorrow night
I'll be in Illinois
at Lake Forest College,
and then I go to Minneapolis,
as you said.
What are you doing
in Minneapolis?
Carlton Backstage.
Is that a nice place?
Oh, that's a good town.
I like Minneapolis.
Minneapolis is a fine city.
You know...
Something real
embarrassing
happened to me there.
What happened?
This is absolutely true.
I went into this bookstore
that was also
a dirty bookstore.
So I was buying
a copy of Ryder.
Let me explain real quick.
I'm standing there
and I said,
well, let me go
look at a copy
of Wrestling Mud Magazine,
or whatever it is.
I'm standing there.
Behind me,
Ed Bradley
from 60 Minutes
was filming
in that bookstore.
You remember
the porno one?
I went,
absolutely true.
But anyway,
and then I go to...
Well, when will that be on
so we can look forward to...
It was on already.
You can see the back
of my jacket.
It was on already.
You should put that
in your resume
in appearance
on 60 Minutes.
It was on 60 Minutes.
Then next weekend
we go to Rascals
and then the Comedy Works
where you saw that ad
where my name was.
Comedy Works is where?
In Philly.
In Philly.
Rascals is in New Jersey.
If you're near any
of these places,
you're silly
if you don't make
an effort to go see Jay.
Very nice to see you again, Jay.
Well, thank you, David.
We've got to go here
for station identification.
We'll be right back.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Jay Leno on Letterman, September 26, 1984

Okay, we have a good show. Jay Leno is a very, very funny young man, and he
will be out here in just a second as soon as I introduce him.
He is my first guest. He is a good friend of President Reagan.
Also a very talented comedian, he will be appearing this weekend at the Carlton
Backstage in Minneapolis.
Please welcome Jay Leno.
Thank you. Nice to see you. Good to see you, David.
You have my magazine.
Yeah, we have your magazine. Do you want to take a minute to clarify this, good
friend of President Reagan's?
No, what happened was the last time I was on the show, President Reagan had
seen the show, and one of his staff called me to ask me about a joke.
Now, if I took time out every time I had a state called me, good heavens, I
wouldn't have.
But you know that's true.
He really called?
No, he didn't call. Someone from the staff called me about it.
Yeah, but he doesn't stay up this late, does he?
Not when you're on, but when I'm a guest, occasionally he does stay.
He says I don't get a chance that often, but when you're on, I watch.
Okay, well, that's very nice.
I have a copy here of something called Writer.
That's right.
Writer Magazine.
This is a motorcycle enthusiast's publication.
That's right, I'm in there. There's an interview with me.
All right, let's see.
Yep, here it is.
You know what's funny, David?
Picture of Jay right on the inside there. Nice drawing, nice story, I guess.
I happened to see you in Playboy magazine.
Did anybody see this?
You know what's so funny?
You know what's so funny when we're talking about magazines?
You know, the people from Playboy called me, and they asked me to do an
interview for Playboy,
and rather than do my interview in Playboy, I did mine in Women Are Our Equals
magazine.
This is more...
Can you get a shot?
Who's on the cover there?
Well, let's see.
There's Geraldine Ferraro, then there's a story on here in Margaret Mead.
Here's an interview with Gloria Steinem.
Now, let's see who's in your magazine, David.
Muffy, Muffy, Muffy doesn't like guys who are turn-offs.
Muffy's favorite movies are Bambi and The L-Shaped Room.
You know what's interesting?
I picked up this copy of Playboy to read your interview.
And I realized at age 34, it's not that I'm too old for Playboy.
It's just that Playboy is written for guys 18 to 25.
I think once most guys hit 30, you tend to see through the tricks Playboy uses
to keep men interested in the magazine.
Like in the front of Playboy now, they have this thing where they have pictures
of four or five playmates,
and they ask each playmate a question.
And, of course, each woman answers in her own words.
Like last month's question was,
What kind of men do you like?
Now, here you have these incredibly attractive women.
You can go out with anybody they want.
And they always give some Playboy answer like,
Well, I like dumb guys with no money.
So, you know there's some 18-year-old locked in the latrine of the USS Kitty
Hawk
in the middle of the Mediterranean going,
Hey, I could go out with her.
I'm going to write her a letter in crayon on paperback.
How about...
Let me ask you.
How about the penthouse letters?
Do you ever read those?
Occasionally, yeah.
Now, do you think the penthouse letters are real?
No, I don't think they're real.
Does anybody think the penthouse letters are real?
There you go.
See, the penthouse letters are based on the assumption
that any woman whose car breaks down on a deserted highway
in the middle of the night is looking to have sex.
And if you buy that, if you buy that,
then the truck driver who stops to help her with a can of Ready Whip,
this makes perfect sense.
See, you know what I like?
I like the penthouse letters that are written by women.
Because you know they're not written by women.
You know some dark-brained guy wrote this letter.
You know, your typical penthouse was something like,
Dear penthouse, I'm an attractive woman,
and then she gives her measurements,
as most women do when writing a letter.
Huh?
That's fairly common, isn't it?
And should you have pouting breasts or supple buttocks,
you want to put that in the letter as well,
so people know a little bit more about you than you need to go.
You know what it is?
Your likes, dislikes, that sort of thing.
But the great thing about it is,
they state the fantasy so matter-of-factly.
You know, it's always like, again, from an alleged woman.
It's always,
Dear penthouse, I'm an attractive woman
who is an avid feminist
and president of my local ERA chapter.
Recently, my boss asked me to get him coffee.
When I refused, he took me over his knee
and gave me a sound spanking.
Needless to say, I became his love slave.
Needless to say.
Now, I think any woman...
A plus B equals C.
Any woman that's had office experience
has been through this kind of thing.
We have an office full of love slaves upstairs.
That's right.
Now, let me just ask you about
just one little thing here in the article.
What have you got to ask me?
Well, just, let's see.
Talking about being on the road,
Leno says,
And every week, sometimes every day,
I'm in a different city,
but in each city,
I always manage to meet
a new group of motorcycle people.
Sure, I always meet bikers.
I always go to hang around bike shops.
Bike shops.
That's right.
Now, motorcycle people,
are these outlaws?
No, no, David.
Now, we all can't have friends
at Studio 54 in this kind of life.
These are what you call...
I've never even driven by the place.
These people are what you call
my America.
What I usually do
is go to whatever European bike shop
is in town.
Are there a lot of European bike shops?
There are many European bike shops in town.
That sell beamers.
What is a Beamer?
That would be a BMW.
A Beamer.
That's cute.
You should learn some American slang.
It could help.
A Moto Guzzi.
Did I pronounce that correctly?
That's Moto Guzzi.
Yeah, what kind of a bike is that?
Huh?
It's an Italian bike.
It's an Italian bike.
What does it sound like?
I don't know.
Levertas.
Levertas, also an Italian bike.
Are these expensive, fast bikes?
Yes, expensive.
Do you own one of each of these?
I don't own any of those.
No, I don't make the kind of money you do.
I'm a working comic.
And Ducatis.
And Ducatis.
I have one of those.
You have a Ducati.
Tell me, is it a nice bike?
Nice bike.
Why don't you come for a ride with me?
No, I'm not going to do that, Jay.
I went for a ride with you once in your car.
This is something.
All right, we've got to do a commercial there.
No, no, we have to do a commercial.
See, you wasted time with that.
I didn't waste time.
No, this is the kind of thing people want to know,
like that Beamer deal.
That's cute.
We'll pause here for a commercial.
We'll be right back with our old friend, Jay.
Okay, we're back with Jay Leno,
better known as the Beamer.
Now, Jay, last time you were on, I said,
when are you going to favor us with your Elvis impression?
You used to do a great impression.
We've done a film.
You did a film?
We did a film.
This is part of a kind of a Showtime cable thing.
The name of the film is Viva Late Night.
Viva Late Night.
And in the film, I play a young Elvis character
by the name of Billy Tupelo,
who moves from a small rural southern town
to a big rural southern town
to try to raise enough money to help his daddy's farm.
Now, we have a clip from the film.
You've actually completed filming.
Oh, yeah.
This will be all over the country.
This will be opening.
It's called Viva Late Night.
And I'm not sure what the clip is.
You know, I do so many shows with these things.
Can we run the clip?
I think let's just run the clip.
This is the scene where Elvis tries to get a job
in a popular night spot.
Oh, this is going to be good.
Just take this and go to work.
I've got to be here.
All right, much, Miss Moran.
I won't let you down.
I promise.
I'm going to do a real good job.
Monique.
Monique.
Get that out of me.
Excuse me.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, that bus boy's going here.
I think I've seen him on Late Night.
Hey, bus boy.
My girlfriend says she's seen me on Late Night.
What's right about all my program?
Oh, yeah.
I think Late Night stinks.
My mama told me that in America,
every man is entitled to him.
Yeah?
In my opinion, David Letterman's a wimp.
You better watch him out.
When Mr. Letterman, he helped pay for my daddy's farm.
I think the bus boy's yellow.
Yeah, I think his chicken is a big young chicken.
I think his chicken is a big young chicken.
Late night, late night, late night.
Vivo, vivo, late night.
We're the opening nationally.
I owe you an apology.
When you started talking about that,
I thought for sure it was going to be something stupid.
Oh, no.
Feature-length film.
Very nice job.
Thank you very much.
That cost a lot of money, didn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you know, when you have an unlimited budget
and you're working with people like Spielsburg,
it makes it a lot easier there.
We work with Cord Keller,
a very popular young director,
director of this film.
David, I found something else.
I know you got you.
I know.
This really made me mad.
You always travel with...
Do you remember the last time I was on this program?
You travel with your TV guide.
Thank you, David.
Do you remember the last time?
Are you in a hurry?
No, no, no.
You try to come in.
You see, you've got to keep the pace going.
I know, I know.
Do you remember the last time I was on the program?
I talked about Knight Rider
and the fact that they had an evil twin on the show.
That's right.
And then I saw Simon and Simon,
and they had their evil twin.
Tomorrow night,
this is this week's TV guide,
this is tomorrow night,
Magnum P.I. premiere.
Read this, please.
Just read it.
Magnum P.I.,
Magnum in love,
a beautiful woman and her evil twin.
When is it going to stop?
Has anyone...
Has anyone ever...
used this as an excuse?
Huh?
Honey, that wasn't me
shagging up with that girl.
That was my evil twin.
You got to...
If I ever catch that guy,
I'm going to punch him in the nose,
I tell you.
Doesn't come up much.
Now, you're already sort of worked up.
You want to get right to your beef?
Yeah, I got some beefs.
You know,
these subliminal ads
that they see now,
you see this one,
they, for some kind of brand flake,
you know what I'm talking about?
They show this generic-looking
yuppie couple
walking through the market,
you know?
The husband says,
there's nothing different here.
And then the wife gets like
this reverend moon look
on her face.
You know,
suddenly they're being followed
by this monolithic box
of brand flakes.
You hear that undercurrent
of satanic music,
brand flakes,
brand flakes.
People with sixes on their heads
are eating this stuff
in unison there.
Are they putting
some kind of hallucinogenic
in this?
No, no, it's a frightening thing.
Yeah, it's ugly.
And then when they use fear,
like these American Express ads,
these are very embarrassing.
They show these noodle-brained
Americans
traveling around the world
constantly annoying people
from other lands,
and then suddenly
these toadheads
lose their travelers.
And for some odd reason,
they never seem to lose
their checks
in any reasonably
civilized country,
you know?
They're all stranded
on the Iranian-Iraqi border
somewhere, you know?
And Khomeini's banging
on the door there,
a bunch of slave traders
are touching this guy's wife
all over the place,
you know?
This guy's thinking,
if I had those checks,
I could buy her back
right now.
What a tough one for me.
We have just enough time,
I believe,
for you to tell us
where you're going to be now.
Oh, well, tomorrow night
I'll be in Illinois
at Lake Forest College,
and then I go to Minneapolis,
as you said.
What are you doing
in Minneapolis?
Carlton Backstage.
Is that a nice place?
Oh, that's a good town.
I like Minneapolis.
Minneapolis is a fine city.
You know...
Something real
embarrassing
happened to me there.
What happened?
This is absolutely true.
I went into this bookstore
that was also
a dirty bookstore.
So I was buying
a copy of Ryder.
Let me explain real quick.
I'm standing there
and I said,
well,