Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, July 17, 1987
Uploaded: 2017-09-16T23:15:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, July 17, 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, July 17, 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-16. Transcript available.

- David, thank you.
I have an announcement to make.
- Oh good, I like announcements.
- If I may, I'm branching out in the business.
I'm going into management.
I have a new management company.
And my first client is your cue card man, Kevin Kay.
I'm representing him.
And I'm kind of excited about it.
The name of the company is Keeps.
Keeps Managed.
- Wait, excuse me, what happened there?
Oh my God.
Oh, Jesus.
Will somebody get me some Dramamine?
- Oh, I'm having one of those spells again when whoo.
- Yowza.
- You'll be okay.
- I was woozed out there momentarily.
- You'll be all right.
- So that brings to mind the fact that it's day three
of the Nabit labor action for our show here at NBC.
And the folks manning the cameras tonight
are not necessarily trained to do so,
but are doing the best they can, aren't they?
- That's right.
- Which is, for example, I'm not trained for this job.
I'm just filling in 'til the real guy is here.
- By the way, if you have any projects coming up,
keep Kevin Kaye in mind for any roles.
- Oh, so you're going to be pitching your clients to me all.
- Yeah, just, you know, in case you have anything in mind.
- All during the show.
Got a big weekend plan?
Big weekend?
Yeah, come out to the house Saturday.
We'll watch arena football.
- That'd be fun.
What else you got?
- Make sure this stuff is working.
Make sure.
- Okay, by the way, for the crew filling in here tonight,
after the show, feel free to come on down here
and wash up in the dancing waters.
We've got a great show.
I'm so excited about tonight's program.
Warren Zevon, we've wanted to have on the show for a long time tonight.
he's here, and of course, Terry Garr is with us periodically,
and we're always delighted that she can drop by on the show.
- Okay, by the way, for the crew filling in here tonight,
after the show, feel free to come on down here
and wash up in the dancing waters.
We've got a great show.
I'm so excited about tonight's program.
Warren Zevon, we've wanted to have on the show for a long time tonight.
He's here, and of course, Terry Garr is with us periodically,
and we're always delighted that she can drop by.
- Big show, big show. - It is a big show.
All right, let's do our top ten list.
Let's check this and see if this works.
We haven't done this in quite a while.
We should have somebody doing descriptions
of what actually is going on here.
Round by round summaries compiled by Reuters,
and you'll get them tomorrow on your local radio station.
Let's try another one, see if we can catch
another one here.
Ready?
There it is.
What a day it is here in New York City.
It's too nice to be doing a show, actually.
What a great day.
Isn't this a...
- Well, what are you suggesting?
- You know why it's high pressure from Canada.
It's a Canadian high pressure system.
- Coming down.
- Keeping things cool and dry.
- Are you suggesting we just forget the show and go out and kind of buy a hot
dog?
- Well, that's pretty much what we've done already, isn't it?
Our top ten list tonight from the home office in Scottsdale, Arizona.
The category top ten reasons Sylvester Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen are
separating.
And I was...
- Nobody was sorrier to hear about this than I.
- Number ten, she never put the cap on the body oil.
Number nine, she kept confusing Rocky II and Rocky III.
Number eight, the closest he could get to saying her name was Budge.
Number six, her ceaseless cello practicing made it difficult for him to work on
his new translation
of Flaubert.
Number five, wrestling pit bulls, not an adequate form of foreplay.
Number four, she got tired of his tirades about that no-talent Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Number three, she saw Rhinestone.
Number two, she got tired of explaining how the paperweight worked.
And number one, fights during Scrabble games over whether "yo" is a real word.
- What happened to the camera, the Skycam thing, the Thrillcam, did it work or
not?
- Oh my god, did it, did it came down?
- I missed it?
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
All right, here we go.
It's viewer mail night.
We answer our viewer mail.
Actual letters, ladies and gentlemen, from actual viewers, if they weren't,
would there
be a strike?
- Here we go.
Letter number one, "Dear Dave, what kind of a sissy boy are you?"
Every night on the show you complain about your health.
Stop being such a whiny hypochondriac, stand tall and be a man.
This comes to us from Nate Citino, Westerville, Ohio.
Well, Nate, I'm afraid you're actually right.
I guess I really don't stand up too well to pain, and I'm especially shamed by
the brave
example set by our own director, Hal Gurney.
Is it possible to get a shot of, I know we didn't plan this, but can we get a
shot of
Hal in the control room there?
He's, oh, there he is.
Hi, Hal.
How you doing?
Hal, uh, what, what is that, what is that stuff on your face?
I'm sorry, we can just barely hear you, Hal.
What a brave little soul.
Yeah, we can hear you just fine now, Hal.
- How's that?
- That's much better.
No, we can't hear you now.
- Okay, I'll talk this way.
- Okay.
- Well, what happened, I was up on a roof, and I hit a hornet's nest.
I was, uh, putting in the roof car.
And then, and then my, my nailing gun got out of control, and, uh, but I'm all
right.
Don't, don't worry about me.
- Okay, all right.
- Can you see my legs?
- Hal, have you thought about a salve, maybe?
- Yeah, uh, Ken, do you want to bring the salve in, please?
- Okay.
- Thank you very much, and take two, please.
- All right, good luck.
Thank you, Hal.
Oh, boy, he's a very brave man, Paul, isn't he?
- It's in rough shape.
- See those welts?
- I know.
- And plus, no microphone.
- No microphone for his legs.
- Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, okay, letter number two.
Well, that settled everything down, didn't it?
Uh, dear Mr. Letterman, my mother keeps telling me not to watch your show
anymore.
She says you are nothing but white trash.
That actually kind of induced a hoot from the audience, didn't it?
Uh, that you're a bad influence on me.
What can I do to make her change her mind about you?
Your pal, Lorene Burrow, Little Falls, New Jersey.
Well, uh, Ms. Burrow, I think your mom must have gotten that impression from
watching a
show that we did a long, long time ago when we were just starting out it.
And granted, we had still some few rough edges on the thing.
Take a look at this file tape from an early show, and that should answer your
question.
Okay, the Iron Sheik is going to be out here in a minute.
And we're also going to be looking at some grainy videotape of the new monster
trucks.
But first, I want you folks to meet my brand new wife.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Dave Letterman, right here. Hi.
Let me tell you something. This little lady has turned my trailer into paradise.
Thanks, Cousin Dave.
Yeah, you bet, darling. This has been, seriously, the best weekend of my life.
We had plenty of audio for that one, though, didn't we?
Letter number three, uh, Dear Dave, More Fabulous Babes.
This comes to us from J. Howard, Guthrie, Oklahoma.
Uh, excellent suggestion. I think we can accommodate you here.
More Fabulous Babes, Paul. Go ahead, take it away.
Hold it. Hold it. Stop. Come here. Come here. Come here.
Now, what the hell is the deal? He plays the music, and we're supposed to have,
like, a fabulous babe come through here.
Now, what is it?
Harold Farber, Dave.
Hi, Harold.
I'm in sales. Uh-huh.
I'm just filling in until the strike's over.
Oh, okay. Thanks, Harold.
Okay. All right. Thanks, Harold.
Paul, you didn't hear anything about the writers going out, too, did you?
Oh, come on. It's a joke, you know?
Uh, number four. Letter number four. Here we are.
Hey, Dave. We love all of those appearances by your stage manager, Biff
Henderson.
So much so, in fact, that we think he deserves a show of his own.
Why not suggest it to the GE guys. Here's to Biff, Michael Weiss, St. Paul,
Minnesota.
Hey, you know, that's not a bad idea. In fact, I think I'm going to mention it
right now, too.
The GE executive's over here.
She should be back here with the donuts.
Hi. Hey, listen. I got an idea.
Hey, good to see you.
Yeah, nice to see you.
How's your mother, Dave?
She's great. One of our viewers wrote in tonight with what I think is a great
idea.
They want us to give Biff Henderson his own show, our stage manager. Give him
his own show.
That's a great idea. We'll go right to work on it.
Yeah, Dave, if it's half as good as your show, I bet it'll be terrific.
By the way, Dave, is your staff happy?
Are they making enough money? Are they getting enough benefits?
Because, you know, if you want more, Dave, just ask. Your happiness is all we
care about.
That's right. That's all we care about.
We want to keep you happy, Dave.
Paul? Paul?
Dave, wake up. Dave. Dave, wake up. Dave.
Yes, Paul?
You must have been...
I dozed off there for a second.
You must have dozed off.
I dreamed that I was on that Delta flight where the guy actually turned off the
engines.
My goodness, that must have been terrible.
Oh, it was terrible.
Oh, God, it was terrible.
My goodness.
Yeah. Oh, okay.
Glad I could wake you up from way over here, though.
Yeah, thank you very much.
Seriously, what time is rehearsal?
Could we, like, post it?
We have a bulletin board. We'll put it up on the bulletin board.
Oh, softball tonight, Paul. You coming?
Yes.
Now, are you coming or not?
Yes, I'll be there.
I may not play. Who are we playing?
Well, it doesn't make any difference if you play. Just show up.
Who are we playing tonight?
Uh, the Olympic team.
Huh?
Oh, I know. We've got a big show. We've got to go.
We're going to edit most of this crap out anyway, aren't we?
The damn thing came to a screeching halt right there.
I've never seen that.
The videotape started up, and then it just halted. Just stopped.
Did somebody lean on it or something?
I know what it is.
Somebody downstairs has brought their kid in, and they're giving him rides on
the videotape machine.
And just...
Okay, five. We've got time for number five, and then we'll move on.
Yeah, we'll clean this up downstairs afterwards.
Dear Mr. Letterman, the young Republicans of Wood County, Ohio, are a newly
formed group of people
that are excited about advancing Republican causes and ideals in our community.
To raise money, we are having an auction in which a variety of donated items
will be sold.
We need you to help our young organization by donating some piece of memorabilia.
Have we lost power in here?
It feels like it's just gone dead.
We're on.
Sincerely, Tim W. Brown, Chairman, Wood County Young Republicans, Bowling Green,
Ohio.
Well, Tim, I applaud the efforts of your organization, and I'll be honored to
donate a little something.
How about this solid gold cigarette case?
I'll give that to your auction there.
And, Paul, how about you? Do you have anything to help the young Republicans?
Sure, yeah. Maybe they'd like this monogrammed money clip that I have here.
Yeah, nice going.
I think it's important that young people are getting involved in such
worthwhile causes.
I'm happy to see that.
I think now?
I think so, too.
Well, uh...
I'm glad that the young people of our time...
I am, too.
More than glad.
I'm thrilled.
I'm being...
Let's have Sid read the quarter.
Read the copy.
The other copy?
Read the copy.
We have it here somewhere.
To read?
Pretend that this is your phone.
Okay, he's got it.
Is his mic on?
Is the mic working?
Where is his mic on?
There we go.
Dave and Paul sure have sold out to the establishment.
Oh, the mic's not working, is it?
It's as if the 60s never happened.
Oh, wait a minute, Sid.
Hold it.
Say, they can't hear it anyway.
I think it's on.
Anybody in the audience have a microphone that's working?
There we go.
Okay.
Gee, I don't know.
You guys have...
You've really sold out to the establishment.
It's as if the 60s never happened.
Oh, help me, please.
And it's not just you guys.
Someone help me.
There's Anton, as usual, following the latest stock reports.
And we'll finish the statue of President Reagan.
Maybe I should quit...
Maybe I should quit this high-paying job in Plasticville
and get back to the land
and get my head together with the gentle flower people.
We'd listen to folk songs and eat organic foods, wear ponchos.
Wait a minute.
Thanks, Sid.
Thank you very much.
This sounds terrible.
No, that's all right.
Don't worry about the rest of it.
That's fine.
I'll just stay right here and play my guitar.
And you know, they say this strike can go on for months.
Months and months and months.
We'll be back here with Terry Garr and Warren Zevon, folks.
Come on back.
We'll be back here and we'll be back here with Terry Garr and Warren Zevon.

Viewer Mail on Letterman, July 17, 1987

- David, thank you.
I have an announcement to make.
- Oh good, I like announcements.
- If I may, I'm branching out in the business.
I'm going into management.
I have a new management company.
And my first client is your cue card man, Kevin Kay.
I'm representing him.
And I'm kind of excited about it.
The name of the company is Keeps.
Keeps Managed.
- Wait, excuse me, what happened there?
Oh my God.
Oh, Jesus.
Will somebody get me some Dramamine?
- Oh, I'm having one of those spells again when whoo.
- Yowza.
- You'll be okay.
- I was woozed out there momentarily.
- You'll be all right.
- So that brings to mind the fact that it's day three
of the Nabit labor action for our show here at NBC.
And the folks manning the cameras tonight
are not necessarily trained to do so,
but are doing the best they can, aren't they?
- That's right.
- Which is, for example, I'm not trained for this job.
I'm just filling in 'til the real guy is here.
- By the way, if you have any projects coming up,
keep Kevin Kaye in mind for any roles.
- Oh, so you're going to be pitching your clients to me all.
- Yeah, just, you know, in case you have anything in mind.
- All during the show.
Got a big weekend plan?
Big weekend?
Yeah, come out to the house Saturday.
We'll watch arena football.
- That'd be fun.
What else you got?
- Make sure this stuff is working.
Make sure.
- Okay, by the way, for the crew filling in here tonight,
after the show, feel free to come on down here
and wash up in the dancing waters.
We've got a great show.
I'm so excited about tonight's program.
Warren Zevon, we've wanted to have on the show for a long time tonight.
he's here, and of course, Terry Garr is with us periodically,
and we're always delighted that she can drop by on the show.
- Okay, by the way, for the crew filling in here tonight,
after the show, feel free to come on down here
and wash up in the dancing waters.
We've got a great show.
I'm so excited about tonight's program.
Warren Zevon, we've wanted to have on the show for a long time tonight.
He's here, and of course, Terry Garr is with us periodically,
and we're always delighted that she can drop by.
- Big show, big show. - It is a big show.
All right, let's do our top ten list.
Let's check this and see if this works.
We haven't done this in quite a while.
We should have somebody doing descriptions
of what actually is going on here.
Round by round summaries compiled by Reuters,
and you'll get them tomorrow on your local radio station.
Let's try another one, see if we can catch
another one here.
Ready?
There it is.
What a day it is here in New York City.
It's too nice to be doing a show, actually.
What a great day.
Isn't this a...
- Well, what are you suggesting?
- You know why it's high pressure from Canada.
It's a Canadian high pressure system.
- Coming down.
- Keeping things cool and dry.
- Are you suggesting we just forget the show and go out and kind of buy a hot
dog?
- Well, that's pretty much what we've done already, isn't it?
Our top ten list tonight from the home office in Scottsdale, Arizona.
The category top ten reasons Sylvester Stallone and Brigitte Nielsen are
separating.
And I was...
- Nobody was sorrier to hear about this than I.
- Number ten, she never put the cap on the body oil.
Number nine, she kept confusing Rocky II and Rocky III.
Number eight, the closest he could get to saying her name was Budge.
Number six, her ceaseless cello practicing made it difficult for him to work on
his new translation
of Flaubert.
Number five, wrestling pit bulls, not an adequate form of foreplay.
Number four, she got tired of his tirades about that no-talent Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Number three, she saw Rhinestone.
Number two, she got tired of explaining how the paperweight worked.
And number one, fights during Scrabble games over whether "yo" is a real word.
- What happened to the camera, the Skycam thing, the Thrillcam, did it work or
not?
- Oh my god, did it, did it came down?
- I missed it?
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
All right, here we go.
It's viewer mail night.
We answer our viewer mail.
Actual letters, ladies and gentlemen, from actual viewers, if they weren't,
would there
be a strike?
- Here we go.
Letter number one, "Dear Dave, what kind of a sissy boy are you?"
Every night on the show you complain about your health.
Stop being such a whiny hypochondriac, stand tall and be a man.
This comes to us from Nate Citino, Westerville, Ohio.
Well, Nate, I'm afraid you're actually right.
I guess I really don't stand up too well to pain, and I'm especially shamed by
the brave
example set by our own director, Hal Gurney.
Is it possible to get a shot of, I know we didn't plan this, but can we get a
shot of
Hal in the control room there?
He's, oh, there he is.
Hi, Hal.
How you doing?
Hal, uh, what, what is that, what is that stuff on your face?
I'm sorry, we can just barely hear you, Hal.
What a brave little soul.
Yeah, we can hear you just fine now, Hal.
- How's that?
- That's much better.
No, we can't hear you now.
- Okay, I'll talk this way.
- Okay.
- Well, what happened, I was up on a roof, and I hit a hornet's nest.
I was, uh, putting in the roof car.
And then, and then my, my nailing gun got out of control, and, uh, but I'm all
right.
Don't, don't worry about me.
- Okay, all right.
- Can you see my legs?
- Hal, have you thought about a salve, maybe?
- Yeah, uh, Ken, do you want to bring the salve in, please?
- Okay.
- Thank you very much, and take two, please.
- All right, good luck.
Thank you, Hal.
Oh, boy, he's a very brave man, Paul, isn't he?
- It's in rough shape.
- See those welts?
- I know.
- And plus, no microphone.
- No microphone for his legs.
- Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, okay, letter number two.
Well, that settled everything down, didn't it?
Uh, dear Mr. Letterman, my mother keeps telling me not to watch your show
anymore.
She says you are nothing but white trash.
That actually kind of induced a hoot from the audience, didn't it?
Uh, that you're a bad influence on me.
What can I do to make her change her mind about you?
Your pal, Lorene Burrow, Little Falls, New Jersey.
Well, uh, Ms. Burrow, I think your mom must have gotten that impression from
watching a
show that we did a long, long time ago when we were just starting out it.
And granted, we had still some few rough edges on the thing.
Take a look at this file tape from an early show, and that should answer your
question.
Okay, the Iron Sheik is going to be out here in a minute.
And we're also going to be looking at some grainy videotape of the new monster
trucks.
But first, I want you folks to meet my brand new wife.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Dave Letterman, right here. Hi.
Let me tell you something. This little lady has turned my trailer into paradise.
Thanks, Cousin Dave.
Yeah, you bet, darling. This has been, seriously, the best weekend of my life.
We had plenty of audio for that one, though, didn't we?
Letter number three, uh, Dear Dave, More Fabulous Babes.
This comes to us from J. Howard, Guthrie, Oklahoma.
Uh, excellent suggestion. I think we can accommodate you here.
More Fabulous Babes, Paul. Go ahead, take it away.
Hold it. Hold it. Stop. Come here. Come here. Come here.
Now, what the hell is the deal? He plays the music, and we're supposed to have,
like, a fabulous babe come through here.
Now, what is it?
Harold Farber, Dave.
Hi, Harold.
I'm in sales. Uh-huh.
I'm just filling in until the strike's over.
Oh, okay. Thanks, Harold.
Okay. All right. Thanks, Harold.
Paul, you didn't hear anything about the writers going out, too, did you?
Oh, come on. It's a joke, you know?
Uh, number four. Letter number four. Here we are.
Hey, Dave. We love all of those appearances by your stage manager, Biff
Henderson.
So much so, in fact, that we think he deserves a show of his own.
Why not suggest it to the GE guys. Here's to Biff, Michael Weiss, St. Paul,
Minnesota.
Hey, you know, that's not a bad idea. In fact, I think I'm going to mention it
right now, too.
The GE executive's over here.
She should be back here with the donuts.
Hi. Hey, listen. I got an idea.
Hey, good to see you.
Yeah, nice to see you.
How's your mother, Dave?
She's great. One of our viewers wrote in tonight with what I think is a great
idea.
They want us to give Biff Henderson his own show, our stage manager. Give him
his own show.
That's a great idea. We'll go right to work on it.
Yeah, Dave, if it's half as good as your show, I bet it'll be terrific.
By the way, Dave, is your staff happy?
Are they making enough money? Are they getting enough benefits?
Because, you know, if you want more, Dave, just ask. Your happiness is all we
care about.
That's right. That's all we care about.
We want to keep you happy, Dave.
Paul? Paul?
Dave, wake up. Dave. Dave, wake up. Dave.
Yes, Paul?
You must have been...
I dozed off there for a second.
You must have dozed off.
I dreamed that I was on that Delta flight where the guy actually turned off the
engines.
My goodness, that must have been terrible.
Oh, it was terrible.
Oh, God, it was terrible.
My goodness.
Yeah. Oh, okay.
Glad I could wake you up from way over here, though.
Yeah, thank you very much.
Seriously, what time is rehearsal?
Could we, like, post it?
We have a bulletin board. We'll put it up on the bulletin board.
Oh, softball tonight, Paul. You coming?
Yes.
Now, are you coming or not?
Yes, I'll be there.
I may not play. Who are we playing?
Well, it doesn't make any difference if you play. Just show up.
Who are we playing tonight?
Uh, the Olympic team.
Huh?
Oh, I know. We've got a big show. We've got to go.
We're going to edit most of this crap out anyway, aren't we?
The damn thing came to a screeching halt right there.
I've never seen that.
The videotape started up, and then it just halted. Just stopped.
Did somebody lean on it or something?
I know what it is.
Somebody downstairs has brought their kid in, and they're giving him rides on
the videotape machine.
And just...
Okay, five. We've got time for number five, and then we'll move on.
Yeah, we'll clean this up downstairs afterwards.
Dear Mr. Letterman, the young Republicans of Wood County, Ohio, are a newly
formed group of people
that are excited about advancing Republican causes and ideals in our community.
To raise money, we are having an auction in which a variety of donated items
will be sold.
We need you to help our young organization by donating some piece of memorabilia.
Have we lost power in here?
It feels like it's just gone dead.
We're on.
Sincerely, Tim W. Brown, Chairman, Wood County Young Republicans, Bowling Green,
Ohio.
Well, Tim, I applaud the efforts of your organization, and I'll be honored to
donate a little something.
How about this solid gold cigarette case?
I'll give that to your auction there.
And, Paul, how about you? Do you have anything to help the young Republicans?
Sure, yeah. Maybe they'd like this monogrammed money clip that I have here.
Yeah, nice going.
I think it's important that young people are getting involved in such
worthwhile causes.
I'm happy to see that.
I think now?
I think so, too.
Well, uh...
I'm glad that the young people of our time...
I am, too.
More than glad.
I'm thrilled.
I'm being...
Let's have Sid read the quarter.
Read the copy.
The other copy?
Read the copy.
We have it here somewhere.
To read?
Pretend that this is your phone.
Okay, he's got it.
Is his mic on?
Is the mic working?
Where is his mic on?
There we go.
Dave and Paul sure have sold out to the establishment.
Oh, the mic's not working, is it?
It's as if the 60s never happened.
Oh, wait a minute, Sid.
Hold it.
Say, they can't hear it anyway.
I think it's on.
Anybody in the audience have a microphone that's working?
There we go.
Okay.
Gee, I don't know.
You guys have...
You've really sold out to the establishment.
It's as if the 60s never happened.
Oh, help me, please.
And it's not just you guys.
Someone help me.
There's Anton, as usual, following the latest stock reports.
And we'll finish the statue of President Reagan.
Maybe I shoul