Name: Flunky the Clown Collection on Letterman, 1985-89
Uploaded: 2017-09-17T23:03:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Flunky the Clown Collection on Letterman, 1985-89' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Flunky the Clown Collection on Letterman, 1985-89' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-17. Transcript available.

Flunky the Clown Collection on Letterman, 1985-89

Dear Dave, letter number two begins,
Dear Dave, and, oh, a parenthetical information here,
and Flunky, who actually reads these letters for Dave.
When I asked my dad if I could go to Europe this summer,
he said, why don't you ask David Letterman?
You seem to listen to him all the time.
So, Dave, is it all right with you if I go to Europe this summer?
Jeez, Jeff, I don't know what to say here,
but perhaps Flunky, the guy who actually reads these letters for me,
perhaps he has some advice.
Is Flunky around, Hal?
Oh, there's Flunky, yeah.
What do you think about that?
Yeah, I got some advice.
Okay.
Don't go to Europe, Jeff.
Stay in school or you'll wind up like me,
a pathetic old clown reading somebody else's mail.
Just like in rehearsals.
All right, well, Flunky, by the way,
have a nice weekend, Flunky.
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
That was letter number two for those of you keeping score at home.
Letter number three.
Letter number three.
We only have four viewer mail responses tonight, and you know why?
They're extra funny.
Yeah, they're extra funny.
That's right.
What is that?
Yeah, the EF.
They're extra funny.
Dear Mr. Letterman, number three begins,
because I was appalled at the offensive statements made
by one of your guests, Jay Leno, on August 21st.
He made reference to circuses by demeaning performers,
and I quote, diseased clowns and inbred circus people.
I am currently the regional marketing director of one of the largest circuses
in the country.
I feel that in all fairness to circus personnel all over the country,
a retracting statement be made,
or your staff allow a representative from a circus,
any circus, not just mine,
to rebut, I'm sorry,
rebut the earlier statements made by your guest.
Response would be appreciated.
J.P. Stanton, California.
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
if you've learned anything from watching our program,
you know that we are fair,
and we certainly try to provide responsible opposing viewpoints whenever
possible.
So here, with a statement tonight on behalf of the clowns,
Flunky, the late-night clown.
Flunky, come on out, buddy.
Nice to see you.
Well, Flunky, did you hear the letter?
No, sorry, I was in the john.
Well, basically, what the man was saying is that,
contrary to what Jay Leno said,
the circuses are not full of diseased clowns.
Is that true?
I don't know.
Diseased, like, what if he's missing a couple of fingers or something?
Is that diseased?
No, I wouldn't think that would count.
No, no, they don't hire you if you're sick.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I had the DTs once.
Uh-huh.
Couldn't even get work as a rodeo clown.
Oh, that's too bad.
But things are going better now,
and what exactly do you do in the circus?
Well, I got a routine.
Where we dress up a little midget as a baby
and jumps out of a burning building into a net.
That's pretty lame.
Uh-huh.
Okay, Flunky, well, as always, thanks for being here.
Okay.
Okay, and have a good weekend.
Yeah, right.
Okay.
Thank you for the time.
I'm telling you, this comedy is not easy.
Letter number five.
Frank is not busy, you know.
He's...
Dear Dave, it's not your fault.
I've simply lost the ability to laugh.
Ladies and gentlemen,
to me, there's nothing sadder
than losing the ability to laugh,
although tonight I can certainly understand it.
In fact, I was so touched by Jim's letter
that I envo...
Oh, this comes to us from Jim Plastis...
Plasterass.
Plasterass.
That's right.
Plasterass.
That's his name.
It's not my fault.
Plasterass.
That's the man's name.
His parents, Helen and Bob,
Plasterass.
That's right.
This is their son, Jim Plasterass.
Anyway, to me,
there's nothing sadder
than losing the ability to laugh.
In fact, I was so touched by Jim,
Plasterass' letter,
that I invited him to the show tonight.
He's backstage right now
being entertained by Flunky,
the late-night clown.
Well, there they are now.
Flunky, what are you doing
to entertain Jim?
Well, I was going to do the routine
where I drop the phony lobster
in my pants and jump around,
but I left all my stuff on the subway.
Well, that's too bad.
It sounds like a really funny bit.
Oh, yeah.
It's a real panic.
Anyway, instead,
I'm reading him some jokes
from Joey Adams' column in the Post,
you know, strictly for laughs.
Yeah, and has he laughed?
Not yet.
It's pretty lame stuff.
Yeah.
Anyway, we'll keep up
the good work, Flunky.
Okay.
And who knows,
maybe Jim will laugh sometime
on tonight's show.
Yeah, right.
Okay.
Well, guess what, kids?
We're out of letters.
We're done.
That's it for Viewer Mail tonight.
We'll be right back
with Sandra Bernhardt.
Number two.
Dear Dave,
it's one minute before airtime
and you just don't feel
like being funny.
What on earth do you do?
Concerned and curious,
Bob Hillman,
Chicago, Illinois.
You know, Bob,
this is a good point.
There are nights
when I really don't feel
like being funny,
but we have a member
of our staff
and this guy never fails
to cheer me up.
In fact,
I'm going to bring him
out here now.
You know him as Flunky,
the late-night Viewer Mail Clown.
Flunky, come on out here.
This guy is terrific.
I'm going to make
your feet better too.
Yeah!
Hi.
Flunky, good to see you.
Have a seat.
Oh!
Okay.
Thanks for being here,
Flunky.
How are you doing?
Well, my prostate's
acting up a little.
Look, Flunky,
I need some cheering up,
so what I want you to do
is tell me one of those
wild, wacky circus anecdotes
that always, you know,
bends me over stitches
laughing so hard.
Okay.
Let's see.
I was in a show
about a month ago.
A big circus?
No, it was one of those
parking lot carnivals.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
And I was doing this routine
where we imitate
the tightrope walk,
you know,
only we do it on a wire
that's a foot off the ground.
That sounds really funny.
No, it's...
No, it's really pretty lame,
you know, but, uh...
Well, anyway,
I'd had a couple that day,
so when it came,
I turned to run
across the wire,
I got tangled
in the big shoes,
and I fell
and broke my collarbone.
Oh, gee.
Gee, that's too bad.
That's a shame.
Well, the health commissioner
closed the show anyway,
you know,
because folks were having
trouble keeping down
the corn dogs.
Yeah.
But, uh...
But, you know...
The trouble is
I might have to go to jail
if I miss another
alimony payment.
Oh, you know,
that's great,
because compared to you now,
Flunky,
I feel terrific.
This story has really,
really cheered me up.
I appreciate it.
Okay.
Good luck to you,
and by the way,
have a good weekend.
Yeah, right.
Letter number five.
Get ready, Paul.
Dear Dave,
my father says
that I will never get
any of my letters
on your show
because they're not
wacky enough.
Could you maybe tell me
what a wacky letter
might consist of
so I am able
to write one to you?
Desperate and Confused,
Tracy Thompson,
Edmonton, Alberta.
Good question, Tracy,
but, you know,
choosing the letters
isn't really my department.
I know how we can find out,
however.
Flunky,
the late-night viewer
mail clown,
is the guy in charge
of the letters.
There he is now.
Hi, Flunky.
Hi.
How's it going, buddy?
Flunky, now,
you're in charge
of choosing the mail.
What do you look for?
Humor?
Originality?
Wackiness?
What is it?
Well, first,
I guess you want
an envelope
that's easy to open,
you know,
because my hands,
you know,
I get the shakes
pretty bad.
It's like,
you know,
see, this one's
all taped up.
You know,
forget it.
Okay, Flunky,
but now,
once you do open
the letter,
what are you looking for?
Nude Polaroids,
I guess.
Well,
it's certainly good
to know that
the viewer mail
is in capable hands.
Uh-huh.
And, uh,
Flunky, listen,
have a good weekend.
Yeah, right.
Okay.
Flunky,
there's you and our fans.
We've got a great show, folks.
We'll be back here
in a minute.
We'll take a pause
and then you'll see
Stupid Petricks,
Tony Randall,
and Patty LaBelle
all here on the program tonight.
Thank you.
We'll be back here.
kind of like that.
Here we go, Paul.
Is it five now?
Oh, good, five.
Well, this will be
our real powerhouse
blow-off letter, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, what?
Yeah, it's going to be
a real powerhouse
blow-off kind of letter.
Now, what are you
getting ready to do?
Just whatever
your heart desires.
I'm going to be there
to accompany it musically.
All right.
Dear Dave,
number five begins,
I want to be funny.
Scott Lemboris,
Penfield, New York.
You know, Scott,
the truth of the matter
is I just dabble
in comedy here.
If you really want
to learn to be funny,
you need to work
with a seasoned professional.
And, well,
now you can,
thanks to an exciting
new program
started by our own
Flunky,
the late-night
viewer mail clown.
Flunky, come on out here
and tell the folks
about it.
Where is Flunky?
Flunky, the late-night.
Hi, Flunky.
Have a seat, buddy.
So, Flunky,
you actually found
in a school
where you can teach
clowning techniques,
huh?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, and what made
you start up the school?
Well, I had to make
some money to pay
my doctor because
I had a bad case
of conjunctivitis,
you know, pinkeye.
Oh, sure, yeah, yeah.
Now, Ringling Brothers,
they run a clown college
where they teach
trampoline stunts
and how to ride elephants.
I guess you teach
stuff like that, huh?
Well, no, it's more like
we go down in my basement
and, you know,
I show them the big shoes
and how to honk a horn.
Yeah.
Sounds like a lot of fun.
Well, it gets pretty
damp down there.
Yeah.
Do you teach them
any of the clown
classic routines?
Yeah, well,
I do the one of those
things where a bunch
of guys stuff
into one car.
Yeah.
Oh, that's great.
Where they have
a little tiny car
and like dozens
and dozens of clowns
just keep piling on.
They're all cramped
in there like that?
Well, no,
it was actually,
it was a Dodge Dart
that was in my neighbor's yard
and I only had two students,
you know.
It was really
pretty comfortable.
Pretty comfortable
then for you, huh?
Yeah.
Well, how about
the people who graduate
from the clown school?
How are they doing?
Well, I think one of them
is suing me.
You know,
he claims he got
his eye put out.
Oh, that's too bad.
And the other one
disappeared somewhere
down south.
I don't know.
Maybe he's doing
carnival work.
Yeah.
Well, whatever you do,
good luck, Flunky,
and it sounds like
you're opening up
a whole new vista
for comedy.
Yeah, right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What a show, kids.
Hindu Psychic Ostaro
is with us tonight.
Marge Albert
and Karen Kraft.
Come on back.
Letter number three.
We're up to three now?
What are the lights doing?
Or do I need a checkup?
I had dinner with a guy
last night
in a very fancy restaurant.
Paul, he took his shirt off
during the meal.
He's sitting there nude
from the waist up.
Well, it must have been
a topless place.
No, it wasn't.
It was a very nice place,
and I'm sorry
the whole thing happened.
I got to get
a better class of friends.
I thought by now.
What would the explanation
for that possibly be?
Well, he's just a bonehead.
I'm sure it's based on truth.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave,
one of my friends
wanted to get on your show,
so I told him
if he had the
David Letterman show
tattooed on his back,
he could probably
get on the show.
The clown took me seriously.
He got drunk
and got the tattoo.
Help,
Lewis Brown,
Austin, Texas.
Well, you know,
Lewis,
I don't need to tell you
that when clowns
and tattoos mix,
anything can happen.
And so here now
with some advice
for kids watching tonight
is Flunky,
our own late-night viewer
male clown.
Flunky, come on out.
Here's Flunky.
Nice to see you.
Flunky,
always a pleasure
to have you here.
Now, I remember
a couple of months ago
you told us
that you had received,
you had a tattoo
and tell the folks
all about that.
Well, I was in New Orleans
with my sister's ex-husband.
He just got out
of the hospital
or something
and we were both
hitting the sauce
pretty hard.
And so what,
for the fun of it,
you went into
the French Quarter
and got yourself a tattoo?
Well, yeah,
I wasn't having
much luck with women
and, you know,
I thought it'd make me
look more like a tough guy.
Right, right.
And did that seem
to do the trick?
No, I still couldn't
get chicks.
Yeah.
It turns out
mos