Name: Anton Interrupts New Gift Items on Letterman, March & November 1987
Uploaded: 2017-10-06T17:03:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Anton Interrupts New Gift Items on Letterman, March & November 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Anton Interrupts New Gift Items on Letterman, March & November 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-06. Transcript available.

You know, kids, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, moms and dads, television
is undoubtedly
a tremendous tool. In fact, so are most television executives.
But seriously, and by the way, if you ever do get into television, you'll find
that really
is true. But seriously, television can be used to inform and to educate, and
that's
why from time to time on this program, we offer the American public previews of
brand new
products and inventions which may help to improve their lives. Tonight, we're
going to do the
same. Let's take a look at some of those brand new products right now, not even
on the market
yet, and yet we're going to show them to you right here in our own studio. So
we hope you
have an out-of-body experience there for a moment.
Let me ask you a question, ladies and gentlemen. Is there any chore more
tedious than putting
the dust cover on your typewriter at the end of a busy day? I think not. Well,
take a look
at this. Here's a device that will change all that. It's the Lil' Ground Crew
Typewriter
Tarpaulin. Boys, activate it, if you will. Here's how it works. There they go.
No. That's right. Perfect. It gives this dull task all the excitement of a
major league rain
delay. Right there. Thank you very much.
You know, if you live alone and love to picnic, as I often do, you may be
embarrassed to be
seen walking by yourself with a picnic basket over your arm. Well, you'll want
to get a pair
of these recently developed personal picnic boots. Here they are. They're light,
spacious,
and leave your hands free to wave at the people who undoubtedly laugh and point
at you. Thank
you very much. Thank you very much, Adam. Nice job. See how that works? That's
pretty entertaining,
wasn't it? What? Excuse me? Oh, Anton. Anton, is that you? Ladies and gentlemen,
it's our drummer, Anton Figg. This is quite a surprise. I don't believe you've
ever spoken
up on a show before. Well, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have a question about
those picnic basket
boots. Uh-huh. Yeah. No problem. What's the question? Well, I was wondering,
where can I
get it? Can I get it in the store? Well, they're actually just props we had
made up for the show.
Just a gag. Just props. I don't think you could buy those anywhere. That's too
bad. All right.
All right. All right.
If you think it's tedious to put a dust cover on a typewriter, imagine the mind-numbing
boredom
of working at a sewing machine. So here's an appliance that entertains with
every stitch. It's
the Gregory Hines Tap Dancing Bobbin. Here we go. Take a look at how that works.
Oh, Dave. That little fella danced one of his legs right off. Dave. Dave. I'd
be able to sew that back on there, though.
Yes, Anton, what is it? Well, I wonder, do you have to buy the whole typewriter,
or can you just get the little thing by itself?
Are you talking about the -- The bobbin, yeah. No, no. Again, Anton, this is
just a little gag that we made up.
This is -- You couldn't buy this anywhere. I'm sorry. I really like that. Oh,
and Paul, you leave him alone, too.
It's -- It's a little something we just had built for the show. I'm sorry.
I really -- I think it's real nice. You like that one as well? That's good.
You know, French fries always taste better when they're fresh, and now your
dinner guests can help themselves to fries right from the hot oil they're
cooked in with this French fry flume.
Here's how it works. It's a wild ride to fine dining. You just put in the
frozen fries like that, and in a matter of minutes, they -- there they go. See?
There they are, the lovely -- Well, maybe you can't. What's the matter? What
happened back here? You all right?
Well, it's -- It's not worth risking your life. You gonna be all right?
We got a man back here who's in big trouble. Look at that. Yeah. Leaking all
over him.
Come to think -- Come to think of it, we got a guy back here, too. This is --
Look at this.
He's throwing the guy.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Anton, would you like to know where you can get one of
these things for your French fries?
I'll go one already, thanks. Oh, okay.
You know, kids, nothing is more embarrassing than discovering you've
accidentally left your pants unzipped,
and that's why research scientists at General Motors have developed these
talking slacks.
Here they are now. Talking slacks. New from GM. Talking slacks.
Your fly is open. Your fly is open. Your fly is open.
Your fly is open. Okay. Okay.
Your fly is open. All right. Thank you very much. Nice demonstration.
Jay? Jay? Jay? Jay?
Yes, yes, Anton. Something about the slacks?
Um, no. I was just wondering, do you know what animals Jack Hanna's bringing
from the Columbus Zoo?
No, I -- No, I don't know what animals. We'll just -- We'll finish up this
segment, and then in the next segment, Jack will be out here with the animals.
Okay?
Okay. All right.
Uh, it's -- It's no secret that New Yorkers know that the most thorough
cleaning your car's windshield ever gets is from a stranger at a red light.
So now's the opportunity to get your windshield Manhattan clean with these oily
rag wiper blades. Boys, turn them on. Thank you very much.
You're soaked, aren't you?
Uh, Jack Hanna is here, Casey Kasem, and, uh, John Whitton.
Okay, let's -- Let's get on with it.
You know, the holiday season is almost upon us, and you know what that means.
Of course, it's time for psychopathic misfits to go on shooting sprees in
shopping malls everywhere.
And, uh, for the rest of us, it's time to start looking for lovely gift items.
And we have a few suggestions here for you this evening.
May -- May I share them with you?
Well, thank you. It -- It will be my pleasure.
We have new gift items here.
That's all right. Seems to be the thing to do.
Now, don't get crushed, for heaven's sakes.
All right. That's quite all right.
Okay. Thank you very much.
Lovely, lovely new gift items.
Uh, here we have a lovingly crafted gift item that tells you the correct time,
as it reminds you --
Here it is right there.
I just have to look.
You buy this, get a crew of three men to move it into your house.
This lovely little gift item here, handcrafted, reminds you of the correct time,
and also of the fragile state of our unstable economy.
stable economy. This is the Wall Street cuckoo clock. Here's how this works.
Well, look,
Paul, it's 3 o'clock. Dave? Yes, Anton? In real life, I don't think someone
could jump
out the window and hit the pavement and then jump back into the building again.
Well,
no. That's right, Anton. Of course, you couldn't do that in real life. This is
only a joke.
I didn't realize that it was very funny. What did that say exactly? It's gone
now. Well,
thanks, Anton, and keep us posted there. You know, the politics of a
presidential race can
be confusing for any youngster, and especially for your kids who are dumber
than most.
But now, now any child can keep track of which candidates are still in the race
with this
Democratic candidate Skittles game. Here's how this works. There you go. Okay.
All right. How
about that? There goes Hart, Biden, and Schroeder for 20 points. All right.
Dave? Yes, Anton?
Is that one also a joke? Yeah, Anton. We're hoping they'll all be jokes. Well,
good luck. All right.
Thank you very much. Say, say, wouldn't you like to invite the Pacific
Northwest's famous half-human
Sasquatch creature to your breakfast table? Well, well, you can't because it's
impossible,
so forget it. But here, ladies and gentlemen, is the next best thing. It's the
Bigfoot waffle iron.
Yes, the grotesquely misshapen footprint has plenty of nooks and crannies to
hold butter and syrup.
Dave? Yes, Anton? I think I understand this one now. The big pancake cooker,
that's supposed to be the funny part, right?
That's right, Anton. That's the theory. Good for you. Let's move on. You know,
for my money, ladies and gentlemen,
nothing is more inspiring than the dedication of a Middle Eastern fanatic. And
now you can thrill to this
maniacal zeal every time you smoke with this Iranian martyr cigarette lighter.
Here's how this works.
Here's how this works.
You know, ladies and gentlemen, playing softball and...
Is that all right?
Yeah.
Playing softball and drinking beer go together like amateur athletics and groin
pulls. But fielding,
fielding while holding a can of beer is so awkward unless you have one of these.
This is the
refillable beer glove. This is how this works right there. Just put it on your
hand.
That's fabulous. Refillable beer glove.
I used to be a single. Now, here's an office tool that brings the efficiency of
nature's most
vicious killer to your desktop. It's the Pitbull automatic stapler. Here's how
that one goes.
Automatic stapler. Did you like that one, Anton?
Oh, that was great, Dave. We should have jokes on the show more often.
Yeah, thank you very much.
Holding those drummer auditions tomorrow. You know, if you're on a long
business trip,
even the most devoted husband might be tempted to cheat on his wife. That's why
a smart woman
will outfit her spouse with a set of this fatal attraction luggage.
The spring-activated figure of Glenn Close serves as a reminder of what can
happen to unfaithful men.
Okay?
Fine.
All right, take it away, boys. We have a wonderful program tonight. Paul Simon
will join us in just
a couple of moments, and also Christine Lottie.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.