Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, September 22, 1989
Uploaded: 2017-10-07T02:49:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, September 22, 1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, September 22, 1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-07. Transcript available.

Hello, boys.
Anton.
Hey.
David.
It's so nice to see you.
Let the nutty festivities begin.
When was the last time you took a cab in this town?
Today I took one.
I took a cab two nights ago.
It was raining, raining heavily.
I was coming downtown from the Upper West Side,
and I'm with this cab.
We have a contract.
The shore has a contract with this cab company.
Do you use them?
Yes, I do.
It's the Service Engine Soon Cab Company.
Because that light is always on.
Anytime I get into one of those cabs, the light is burning.
I noticed that.
Nothing wrong with the light, but they should attend to the engine.
Service engine.
So it's pouring rain.
Nobody's going anywhere, and I was in kind of a hurry
because I had a function to get to.
You know how that can happen.
Absolutely.
And so the guy says, don't worry.
He said, if we go down ninth, he said, look at all the lights.
He said, for as far as you can see,
almost all the way down to Battery Park.
That's what he said.
I couldn't see down that far.
He said, look, the lights are all synchronized.
He says, watch this.
If you go 28 miles, boom, we'll hit every light.
Okay.
And we did.
They were all red.
Yes.
Well, they're synchronized.
Yeah.
Now, if I were to go nuts and just club this guy to death with my shoe,
I'd get off because of the traffic, right?
That's right.
You would not be convicted by a jury.
Thank you very much.
Oh, yeah, boy.
Here we go.
Let's, oh, this is good.
Let's do our top ten.
It's kind of a special category tonight.
Crazy.
Yeah, and then we'll get to the rest of the show.
Tonight's category, listen closely, Paul.
Top ten numbers.
Top ten numbers between one and ten.
Interesting.
All right.
Here we go.
Tonight's top ten list.
Top ten numbers between one and ten.
Here we go.
Number ten.
Seven.
Number nine.
Number nine.
Four.
Number eight.
Number eight.
Ten.
Number seven.
Three.
Number six.
Eight and one half.
Number five.
Nine.
Number four.
Two.
Number three.
One.
Number two.
Eight.
And the number one number between one and ten.
Oh, my God, Paul, we have a tie.
Five and six.
You know, maybe I could get, like, a weekly radio show counting down the
favorite numbers
of the week.
That was an interesting top ten.
Yeah.
What sort of a top ten?
Well, we had some production problems.
What?
No, nothing.
That's what we wanted to do all along.
You had another one in mind?
Is that what you're saying?
You know, the staff has been busy taping the windows for the arrival of Hugo.
I see.
Does it seem to you like the humidity the last couple of days has been 140?
It has, yeah.
Oh, man.
It's like being on Mars or something.
It's just that awful.
But the tropical storm will come and then pass and everything will get back to
normal.
There we go.
It's our viewer mail.
It's haunting, isn't it?
You know, last week we had Russian dancers, or singers, rather, Red Army Chorus.
Red Army Chorus.
And tonight we get, ah, ah, yeah, I got something.
That thing.
Well, it's still the same theme.
I know.
Hugo.
Sometime, yeah.
Blame it all on Hugo.
I've been taping my windows all day.
Hal, can we see how Hugo is doing?
Is he anywhere near us yet?
I didn't realize they were that colorful.
Did you, Paul?
Did you know that?
Letter number one.
Dear Dave, the letter number one begins,
My husband and I moved to Phoenix, Arizona from Long Island one year and a half
ago.
At times we miss New York and its lifestyle.
Any suggestions?
Keith and Karen DeSantis, Phoenix, Arizona.
So, you miss New York and its lifestyles.
Yeah, I have a suggestion.
Consult a psychiatrist.
We see if you're...
We have ducks, Paul.
You better call Orkin.
We have ducks.
Letter number two.
Two.
Two.
Letter number two.
No.
Dear Dave, my co-workers and I were sitting around the office one day dreaming
about who would
be the perfect boss.
They named some other boring women in the company, but I said, I'd like David
Letterman for a
boss and they told me to get real.
So, really, Dave, or is that Mr. Letterman?
Are you the perfect boss?
Sincerely, Gail Jansen, Seattle, Washington.
Am I the perfect boss?
That's a tough question.
You know, I think, actually, the only person really qualified to even come
close to an answer
on that would be my own assistant, Lori Diamond.
Lori, do you have an answer here?
You see her right over there?
Sure.
Yeah.
I don't think the applause was necessary.
Dave is the perfect boss.
He's generous and considerate, compassionate, friendly, and courteous.
He never yells, and he always appreciates everything I do for him.
Well, that's great.
But there's nothing, no little kind of annoying habit or any sort of little
mannerism?
Nothing I can think of.
Oh, that's great.
Thank you very much.
Letter number three.
Well, you know.
What?
Huh?
There is, there's one thing.
What's that?
You have a very slight problem taking criticism.
You're fired.
Get out.
Morty, Morty, get me another assistant.
Immediately.
You know, you know what I've done here, ladies and gentlemen, I've given her an
early start
getting home to beat the hurricane, so.
She's, pardon me, what is your name?
Allison.
Allison, nice to see you.
Have you been with us before?
Yes, I have.
Okay, do you mind going out there to see if my assistant is still here?
Thank you very much.
Oh, and Allison, get a little something for yourself.
Thanks.
Okay.
See, you weren't really fired, were you?
Not this time.
All right.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave, we here at Arby's in East Lansing were shocked and saddened to hear
of your dangerously
high cholesterol count.
In order to prevent your early demise, you being one of our favorite entertainers,
oh, thank
you very much.
We are writing to inform you that we fry all our fried food in cholesterol-free
vegetable
oil.
Sincerely, William P. Howley, manager, Arby's Unit 11, East Lansing.
Hey, you don't have to tell me about frying in vegetable oil.
Look, I'm soaking in it.
Boy, Paul, look at the smoke pouring off this deep fryer.
You do what?
You stir it up?
Yeah, there it comes.
There.
Oh, that's much better.
Hey.
Hey, that's actually kind of hot.
Ha!
Whenever, no, no, because I never, never pass up an opportunity to do that joke,
do I?
We laugh every time, too.
Oh, sure they do.
The kids love it.
Very popular with the kids.
Letter number four.
Dear Dave, would you write me a letter of recommendation for law school?
Thanks.
Robert Render, Lexington, Kentucky.
A recommendation to a law school?
I'll be happy to, Robert.
I have some stationery right here.
And I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll write as nice a letter as I can, and I'll send it to, like, eight or nine
of the top
law schools in the United States, and hopefully you'll get in.
Dear sirs, I couldn't recommend more highly my good friend, Robert Render.
He make really good law.
He put many mean, awful, dangerous crooks and criminals in jail or in prison if
they is extra
mean.
Please consider giving him a chance to get in.
Oh, no.
He's an imbecile.
I'll never get into law school.
My life is ruined.
This has been a dramatization of what can happen when ordinary citizens ask
celebrities for favors.
Remember, television personalities are there to entertain you from afar.
This message has been brought to you by the National Council of Churches.
Well, we have a fine program for you kids tonight.
Tony Randall, Melissa Etheridge, and an interesting woman with an interesting
story from Rhode Island.
Come on back when you can.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids today.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
We have a fine program for you kids tonight.
.