Name: Dwight, the Troubled Teen Collection on Letterman, March/April 1991
Uploaded: 2017-10-12T02:28:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dwight, the Troubled Teen Collection on Letterman, March/April 1991' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dwight, the Troubled Teen Collection on Letterman, March/April 1991' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-12. Transcript available.

You folks have joined us on a wonderful night because we're introducing a brand
new running
character on the program. His name is Dwight the Troubled Teen. Ladies and
gentlemen, please
say hello to our new character, Dwight the Troubled Teen. Here comes Dwight.
Nice to see you, Dwight. It looked like there for a second you weren't coming
out. What's
going on? How are you doing? Why doesn't everybody just leave me alone? Screw
you, Letterman.
Dwight the Troubled Teen, ladies and gentlemen.
That was Dwight the Troubled Teen. This is going to be a running thing on the
show now?
Dwight is troubled because he looks like he's 28. That's what's troubling us.
That's the only troubling Dwight. He's 14 chronologically, but he looks like he's
creeping up on middle
age. That's Dwight's problem. That's why he's troubled. Paul, Paul, may I have
from you some
delightful dialing music? What? Huh? Oh, Dwight the Troubled Teen. All right,
let's see what
Dwight looks like over there among the flowers. Dwight, where is Dwight? We're
sending a friend
over, Meg. Dwight the Troubled Teen. Yeah, he's 14 years old. There he is. Hi.
All right, that's about all you get there,
Meg. I'm sorry. Dwight? Offer him some flowers and see if he goes away. All
right, Meg, we've got work
to do. Listen, nice chatting with you, and I'm sorry about your birthday. We'll
send you a real gift
on your actual birthday. Oh, well, I'm not complaining. Okay, all right, all
right. Uh, listen, before you
leave, uh, wave goodbye, uh, so we'll come back to you. Don't, you're not
leaving now, right? No. Okay,
hang on. Okay. Hey, Phil Donahue's here. Oh, okay. You like Phil, don't you?
Sure. Yeah, okay, hang on. Okay.
Dwight the Troubled Teen. Dwight the Troubled Teen. He's about to wreak havoc
in the office there.
You know, I really appreciate the young man asking if it's okay to scream weasel.
That has touched me.
Speaking of, uh, young men, uh, ladies and gentlemen, last night on the program,
we began, uh, a brand new
running character here. It's Dwight the Troubled Teen. Dwight, are you here
tonight? Where is he?
There he is. Dwight the Troubled Teen. Dwight, nice to see you. Thank you for
being on the show.
You know, Dwight, uh, I would prefer it if you didn't smoke, all right? You and
Mom smoke? You're all just a
bunch of damn hypocrites. I hate you. Okay, Dwight the Troubled Teen.
Lordy, notify the Costas people we could be leaving the air tonight a little
early.
Oh!
How do you do?
I think, I think there's good news. Apparently, Paul, you've given Dwight the
Troubled Teen a job over there with you.
I see him standing over there behind the piano.
Wait a minute, he's just there.
Hi, Dwight, nice to see you. Good to have you with us.
He's just there being troubled.
Paul, you...
It's not really that he's working for me.
You're going to be congratulated, Paul.
Well...
Try to talk some sense into him.
It's not so much that he's working for me. He just seems to have, uh...
He's learning, yeah.
...alighted with me.
We established last night that what was troubling Dwight the Troubled Teen is...
I know what it is.
...that he looks like he's 28.
Yeah.
That's what's...
Other than that, no problem.
You know, uh, Tuesday night we started a brand new running character on the
program, and it's been an overwhelming success.
Ladies and gentlemen, now get ready to say hello to, once again, Dwight the Troubled
Teen.
Dwight, where...
Dwight, come on.
Hi, Dwight.
Nice to see you.
Dwight the Troubled Teen.
Dwight, you know, uh, I know that you're wearing my brand new gold watch, and
you're certainly welcome to keep it if you want it, if it's that important to
you.
But just in the future, if you don't mind, I would prefer if you would ask my
permission before you took my things.
Hey, Saddam Hussein, you can keep your lousy watch.
I hate you.
I hate all of you.
Dwight the Troubled Teen, that's too bad.
I wish you'd talk to him, Paul.
Well, maybe I will take him out and, uh, you know.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, all week long we've had a brand new friend.
And we've taken some time to make a brand new friend here on the show.
And tonight, I believe, is his final visit with us.
Please, won't you give a huge, wonderful, nice, warm television welcome to Dwight
the Troubled Teen.
Dwight, where...
Hey, Dwight, how are you?
Dwight, nice to see you.
Now, uh, some people up in the office this afternoon were telling me that you're
leaving and you're going to Florida.
And, uh, what are you going to be doing down there, attending school or
something?
You got, you got yourself in a school or what?
No, I'm going to live with my aunt and uncle in Jacksonville.
Oh, that's nice.
That sounds like a lot of fun for you.
And what, what, what will you be doing down there?
A friend of mine got me a job fixing motorcycles.
Well, that's just great.
We're all very, very happy, uh, for you, Dwight.
Good luck.
Yeah, the best part is I finally got out of this lousy, stinking hellhole and
don't have to put up with your stupid crap anymore.
Oh, okay, fine.
Oh, Ed.
Thank you very much.
That was great, Dwight.
Dwight, Dwight, that's the, I know.
Dwight, that was, that was Dwight, the troubled team.
Well, maybe his aunt and uncle can talk some sense into him now.
I hope so.
That'll do him a lot of good.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I, you know, I don't know what that is, but every
time I do that, I feel much, much better.
You feel better?
I feel great now.
Uh-huh.
I feel like there's a reason to live.
Ladies and gentlemen, he's, uh, young, he's troubled, and he's back again
tonight.
Let's have a big Dwight, the troubled teen welcome for Dwight, the troubled
teen.
Dwight, come on.
There's Dwight, Paul.
Remember, it's your friend Dwight.
Dwight?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, now you're trying hard.
We're all happy to see Dwight.
Dwight, it's, uh, it's good to have you back with us tonight.
Nice to see you.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Yeah.
Now, uh, as you may recall, Dwight was here with us about three weeks ago, and
then, uh, I think if I have this right, you were going to move to Jacksonville,
Florida.
You were going to live, uh, with your aunt and uncle, and you had some kind of
a job down there.
Now, uh, I guess that didn't work out.
Is that what happened?
It didn't work out?
Oh, thanks for the update.
I don't get CNN.
See, like that.
He's got this terrible attitude with him.
But, Dwight, now, seriously, you had a job.
Your buddy was going to get you a job at a motorcycle repair shop or something.
What happened to that?
Ah, they got all bent out of shape over a couple of tools I sold at a flea
market.
Well, now, see right there.
I, I don't think that's a very good idea, frankly, between you and me, Dwight,
if I can say that.
I knew you'd turn against me.
Oh.
I, I've heard that you steal booze out of Morty's office.
No, that's not.
That's a, it's a completely different thing, Dwight.
It's for everybody.
No, it's, it's not.
You're just a hypocrite, like everyone else down in the Dairy Queen.
I hate you.
Okay.
I hate all of you.
Dwight the Trouble Tee.
Thanks.
Hey, hey, Dwight.
Did you, did you leave this behind my desk, by the way, this little thing here?
Yeah.
Oh, you did.
No, no, tell the truth.
You did not, did you?
Yes, I did.
No, you didn't, Dwight.
Just get out of here.
Hey, hey, Dwight.
I got a little, hey, take this Windex and go clean some cameras.
You'll make a fortune.
There you go.
Get him in some kind of church group.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, there's the first few minutes of our program
tonight.
And yeah, yeah, I think it went pretty well.
We'll do a commercial.
We'll be right back with the lovely Terry Garr.
You know, kids, it's Tuesday night.
They're trying to drive me out.
Did they?
You know, did you know the studio was built on an Indian burial ground?
I didn't know that.
It's Tuesday night, ladies and gentlemen, and what better time to say hello to
our old friend,
Dwight the Troubled Teen, than right now.
Dwight, are you back there, Dwight?
Here comes Dwight the Troubled Teen.
Dwight the Troubled Teen.
Good to see you here, Dwight.
You're looking troubled tonight.
Oh, cute.
Really cute.
Well, you're just a regular basket of puppies, aren't you?
Dwight, how's everything going now?
You moved back up from Florida a couple of weeks ago.
Now, have you gotten yourself into a school since you moved back up here?
What the hell for?
I won't be needing any of that book stuff anymore.
Yeah.
Well, what are you going to do with your life, Dwight?
Well, I'm going to join a carnival as an unskilled laborer.
Then maybe I'll get into crime and alcoholism.
Well, you know, Dwight, that doesn't sound like a very good idea.
Damn it!
Don't my dreams mean anything to you?
You're just Hitler in a necktie and a really nice pair of loafers.
Oh, well.
Thank you very much, Dwight.
I appreciate that.
I hate you.
I hate all of you.
That is Dwight.
That is a terrible joke.
I think Dwight may have been switched at birth.
There's always that possibility, you know?
Yeah, big show there on NBC.
Ah, let's see.
What do we do?
What do we do?
What do we do?