Name: Father Biff Collection on Letterman, Autumn 1989
Uploaded: 2017-10-20T03:47:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Father Biff Collection on Letterman, Autumn 1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Father Biff Collection on Letterman, Autumn 1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-20. Transcript available.

He says, I want to thank ABC for having the guts to pony up the dough.
Yeah, see, I like that.
Having the guts to pony up the dough.
Oh, man alive.
Well, since it is the season premiere, it's time now to introduce a new
character who will be with us on the program.
Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to Father Biff.
I'm glad to see that NBC had the guts to pony up the dough for that outfit.
Here it comes, kids.
Oh, first of all, last night was the season premiere of our television program
here,
and we're all very excited because we introduced a brand new character, Father
Biff.
So tonight, we're going to spend a couple of minutes here and find out what is
happening with our new character,
Father Biff.
Father?
Look, kid, you mess up one more time, and the man upstairs may let you off the
hook.
But, brother, I want to kick your butt.
You understand?
I got it, Father Biff.
All right.
Thank you, guys.
It's our new running character, Father Biff.
He's warm and kind.
He is.
He's compassionate, but also streetwise.
Yes, he is.
Okay, now let's get to the surprise.
Ladies and gentlemen, listen to who we have in the hallway.
Why am I taking your word for any of this?
Okay, let's do this.
What are we doing here?
Oh, you know, Monday or Tuesday, on our big season premiere,
we introduced a brand new character for the show,
and we're kind of spending some time this week getting to know him.
Ladies and gentlemen, now let's check in and see what's happening with Father Biff.
Killing candles.
Killing candles from the rectory, huh?
You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
What are you going to do to us, Father Biff?
We heard you were tender but tough.
Well, well, I'm going to let this guy go.
But you, I'm going to kick your butt.
I don't know about that one kid, but that's the third night in a row
this guy has been in trouble here in the jacket.
Since it is the beginning of the new television season,
we thought we'd take a second here to show you what's on other channels.
I guess it's time now to check in with our program's brand new character,
the compassionate but streetwise, Father Biff.
Ladies and gentlemen, our new character, Father Biff.
Let me ask you something.
Is Father Biff compassionate but streetwise, or is he tough but tender?
Well, he's actually both.
I believe he's compassionate but streetwise and tough but tender.
Ah, he's both.
So he's actually both.
Anyway, let's watch tonight's episode of Father Biff.
All right.
Man, man, you boys are gambling your future away.
I'll tell you, I'll tell you one thing.
Let me roll the dice.
And if I win, you'll have to come to church for the rest of your lives.
All right.
I bet on that.
All right, Father Biff.
All right.
I'll see you guys in church this Sunday, or I am going to kick your butts.
That was good.
Very uplifting.
And of course, in a time-honored television tradition,
the actors playing the teenage boys are men in their 30s.
We'll be right back with Melissa Etheridge.
Okay.
Oh, you know, I almost forgot.
A couple of weeks ago, we introduced a brand-new character
for the new fall season here on Late Night.
It was Father Biff.
And it's time now to check in and see what's happening
with our newest character, Father Biff.
He's street-wise but compassionate.
I should point that out.
Biff?
I've just about had enough of you two guys.
Stealing from the pool box.
Man, you really make me sick.
What are you going to do to us, Father Biff?
We heard you were tough but tender.
I'll show you what I'm going to do.
It looks like Father Biff is feeling a little more tough tonight than tender.
Well, you know, Dave, Father Biff only has so much patience.
That's right.
That is...
Father Biff.
That's what you've got to remember.
Is it time to do this top ten last year?
Okay, good.
Well, it's Tuesday.
There's not much else going on,
so let's check in with our newest character, Father Biff,
and find out what's going on with him.
Father Biff?
Father Biff?
Man, you guys really screwed up now.
Spray-painting dirty words on the convent wall?
You make me sick.
What are you going to do to us, Father Biff?
We heard you were tough but tender.
I'm going to let my boss take over on this one.
All yours, Mr. G.
Ah, is that it?
Is that it?
The show ain't over, boys.
Now, I'm going to kick your butts.
Every episode, Father Biff kicks their butts.
The same two hoods, the same two punks,
the same two ne'er-do-wells,
every week they get a butt-kicking from Father Biff.
Well, Father Biff, he's tolerant,
but yet he can lay down a firm hand.
Well, he's using a baseball bat.
He has to.
And I know I've seen that one there on his right in here many, many times.
He hasn't learned his lesson yet.
Kick him once for me, Father Biff.
Meanwhile, the Father Biff show is getting to be the hottest show,
the innest, hippest show.
That's right.
Well, I can't get on the show.
I'm trying to get a part on it.
All right.
Well, talk to my manager, Jack Rollins.
Maybe he can get you on there.
He can get me a jacket that fits.
Well, my hair has partially dried.
Good.
My tooth is still loose,
and I can now see out of one contact lens.
And the hearing?
So we're making...
Pardon me?
And the hearing?
It's no secret that Father Biff is the most successful 15-second action-oriented
religious program in television history.
So now let's check in on the latest episode of Father Biff.
I don't care.
I don't care how tough or tender you are, Father Biff.
We're sick of you kicking our butts all the time.
And this time, we're going to kick your butt.
Looks like I haven't got a prayer.
Drop it, punk.
Ah, thanks, Sister Kathy.
Now maybe you'd like to join me in a little tag-team butt-kicking.
Now it's tag-team butt-kicking.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
There's a little new little character there.
Yes, it's Sister Kathy.
Sister Kathy.
Yeah, that's right.
Now let me ask you something.
Would you say that Sister Kathy is also tough but tender?
Well, it seems to me that she's more devout but dangerous.
Ah, I see.
Devout but dangerous.
Didn't you think, though, that Sheena Easton was terrific as Sister Kathy?
I certainly did.
This is another fine mess you've gotten us all in.
Now what are we going to do?
All right, let's do a commercial.
See, that's the...
If life were like television.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Okay.
Oh, you know, it's time once again for another episode of Father Biff.
Smoking in the confessional, huh, boys?
Looks like it's time to kick some butt again.
Look, Father Biff, no matter how many times you kick our butts, we're still
going to break
the law.
We'll never be any good.
Well, perhaps I can help.
Wow, Jerry Bell!
You know, boys, when I was a young man in this neighborhood, Father Biff must
have kicked
my butt a thousand times.
But thanks to him, today I'm a wealthy and respected entertainer.
You get the message, boys?
Sure do.
Hey, Jerry, before you go, how about a song?
Sure, why not?
Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye, good-bye, good-bye to Rome, city of a million
moonlit places, city of a million warm embraces.
Where I found the one of all the faces, city of a million warm embraces, where
I found the one of all the faces.
Far from home, the one of all the faces, city of a million warm embraces, where
I found the one of all the faces.
City of a million warm, the one of all the faces, city of a million warm embraces,
city of a million warm embraces, city of a million warm embraces, where I found
the one of all the faces.
Far from home, arrivederci in Rome, it's time for us to part.
For my returning, keep my lover's arms outstretched and yearning, please be
sure the flame of love keeps burning in the heart.
For my returning, keep my lover's arms outstretched and yearning, please be
sure the flame of love keeps burning in the heart.
You're in luck, ladies and gentlemen. Now it's time for a special Thanksgiving
Day episode of Father Biff.
Stealing canned food from the church basement on Thanksgiving. You boys should
be at home with your families.
Well, that's just it, Father Biff. We ain't got no families.
You don't? Well, I'm going to make sure you don't spend Thanksgiving alone.
You mean you're going to adopt us?
No. I mean, I'm going to put you in the hospital right after I kick your butts.
Man alive. Boy, that was pretty heartwarming, eh, Paul?
Something in my eye.
All right, you big guy. Here, let's do this. Let's do a, what?
A commercial, and then we'll be back with Rich Scheidner.
We'll be back with Rich Scheidner.