Name: Paul Shaffer Rants Collection on Letterman, 1992
Uploaded: 2017-10-24T23:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Paul Shaffer Rants Collection on Letterman, 1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Paul Shaffer Rants Collection on Letterman, 1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-24. Transcript available.

Hi there!
On the program tonight, A Tribe Called Quest.
Going to be very exciting, isn't it?
Yeah.
And actress Tawny Katane from Debbia KRP, the show there in Cincinnati.
Tomorrow on the program, Charles Grodin, a fine actor and a gifted writer, will
be here.
Well, a writer.
Comedian Bill Hicks will be joining us, and we have a six-year-old ham on the
program.
A what?
A six-year-old ham?
Six-year-old ham radio operator.
I'm sorry, man.
I don't...
What the hell is...
I don't know what is wrong with me, Paul.
What is...
Is there something wrong with me?
What is wrong with me that I would screw that up?
What is wrong with you?
Yeah, what is wrong with me?
Well, I know what's wrong with you.
I happen to know what is wrong with you.
You're sarcastic.
You're abrupt with the guests.
You have the worst toupee in show business.
Your jokes don't make any sense.
You're always getting Anton Figg's name wrong.
There's always a funny smell coming out of your office.
You look terrible in tweed.
You reek of Mexican aftershave.
You do not understand how fractions work.
You run in the pool area.
You dye your eyes with little hearts.
You're obsessed with the glamorous ladies of wrestling.
You tend to stereotype people of Turkish ancestry for some reason.
You buy cut-rate salad dressing.
You take your national parks for granted.
And it's mean the way you scare the paper boy with a blank pistol.
You cut in line in the commissary.
You cannot pull off a safari look.
Sometimes you start screaming,
Ahoy there, mateys!
Over and over again for no reason at all.
You make the interns lose to you during your karate sparring sessions.
You hog the remote control.
You've thrown away your God-given talent for dancing.
You skip on the mayonnaise.
You skip on the mayonnaise.
And you're as dumb as a post.
You giggle whenever anybody mentions the penal code.
You giggle.
You used to really like Jethro Tull.
You once punched Katharine Hepburn.
Hey, now, wait a minute.
She, wait a minute.
She had that coming.
All right.
Maybe so.
You betrayed folk music when you went electric.
You bitch and moan about having to work one hour a day.
And finally, you insist on calling me Paul,
even though my name is actually Frank.
Okay, Frank.
Yeah, and one more thing.
You seem to have no idea how to use a telephone.
All right, that's fine.
Why don't you stop by the audition tomorrow, Frank?
But I mean it with all the love and respect.
Oh, I know you do.
Of course you do.
Because I care as a friend.
Friend to friend.
All right.
That's why I say it.
All right.
We'll pause here for a commercial,
and then we'll be right back with a time called Chris.
Thank you.
All right, boys.
Very nice.
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
Al Green will be out here in a couple of minutes,
and I'm telling you, Al Green and you guys and David Sanborn,
it's going to be delightful, isn't it?
How did it sound in rehearsal?
Great.
It sounded good.
Okay.
Actress Christine Lottie will also be on the program tonight and tomorrow.
You think tonight's program is pretty good.
Watch tomorrow night.
We have actor Jeff Goldblum, Terry Garr, and singer Tori Amos.
That'll be on tomorrow's program.
I'm sorry I'm going to miss that one.
I've got to have my teeth cleaned, so I won't be here.
You all right, Paul?
Yeah, fine.
What?
Is everything all right or not?
Everything's fine.
No, I'm serious.
Is something troubling you?
Are you all right?
Well, to tell you the truth, there are a couple of things.
Well, like what?
Well, it's awfully cold in here.
Right.
And?
And?
Well, I buy those Oreos for the band and the musical guests.
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry.
I won't eat them.
I won't eat them.
Also, please stop asking us to play We Built This City on Rock and Roll.
And another thing, Dave, you were not one of the Bee Gees.
Stop telling people that you were.
You know, I came very close to being a member of the Bee Gees.
All right, listen, I don't mind the oath.
I do not mind the oath of loyalty, but every day, and you know, I know that it
was you who
vandalized my lawn ornaments.
Now, you can't prove that.
Your ears, David, look like some kind of toaster snack gone wrong.
I hate the stupid way you pronounce Chimblee.
It's Chimney, for heaven's sake.
Listen, we're having trouble getting any store to accept these Dave dollars
that you pay us
with.
Yeah.
Well, those are going to be collector's items.
Yeah, sure.
I'm tired of having to explain to my mom that your jokes aren't supposed to be
funny.
You know what I mean?
What is that aftershave you're wearing?
A1 sauce?
You are not a Cajun, so drop that fake Cajun accent.
You waste hours in the supermarket because you simply refuse to organize your
coupons.
You're homely as a slab of peat moss.
You say catty things about Liza.
Frankly, your oil paintings are amateurish.
And when Gary, my favorite character on 30-something, died, you just laughed.
Your obsession with the Oak Ridge boys is unhealthy.
You had that Trivial Pursuit card that mentioned you framed.
I'm sick of you shouting, these boys are tasty after every French fry that you
eat.
We've all seen your biceps, so enough already.
There are no health reasons for you to wear those three-inch lifts in your
shoes.
Anton tells me you've been touching him in the elevator again.
That is not a social club.
That is not a social club you belong to.
It is a right-wing paramilitary group intent on overthrowing our government.
Paul?
Paul, is that it, Paul?
Yeah, one more thing.
Yeah.
Why do you insist on letting weatherman Al Roker take naps back here?
Get up, Al.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
And get out of here.
Just get out of here.
Get out of here.
I don't want to see you napping back here anymore.
I'm sorry.
Get out of here, Al.
I'm sorry.
We'll find you another place to sleep, all right?
I'm just sick of up here.
All right.
Now, we'll do a commercial.
Al Green will join us.
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
How do you know?
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you again for tuning us in here tonight.
We're having a lot of fun this evening, don't you think, Paul?
No one has more fun than we do.
Nobody has more fun on their little TV talk show than we do right here on the
Late Night
with David Letterman television program, 1230 Eastern on NBC.
Coming up in the rest of the program, Bobby Flay will be here.
The famous Bobby Flay.
One of the great...
He used to back up Sam and Dave years and years ago, didn't he?
Bobby Flay?
Yeah.
Come on, Paul.
Play along.
He backed up Sam and Dave.
Yeah, I know.
Help me out here with this Bobby Flay thing.
Oh, yeah, he did.
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
Am I the only one saying...
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee?
Also from the...
Who the hell is that guy?
Also from the popular Saturday Night Live program, you watch that show?
Very funny.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of funny people on the...
You used to be on that show.
What am I talking about?
Started on that show.
Weren't you a cast member of that show years ago?
I was in the band and...
What kind of music did you play in the band?
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
Yeah, no, I understand you being disappointed and all, because he ain't here
tonight.
The Jesus and Mary chain, they're great, they'll be here tomorrow.
And Laurie Petty from the motion picture, A League of Her Own.
That's another great show tomorrow night.
Yes, sirree.
What is wrong with you?
What?
I'm serious, what is wrong with you?
Nothing, I'm fine.
Are you all right?
I'm just fine, yes.
Are you sure?
Are you mad at me or something?
Yeah.
No, I'm not.
There's a couple of things that I want to talk to you about after the show, but
other than that...
Let's talk about them now.
If you really have a problem, let's talk about them now.
Go right ahead.
What's on your mind?
Well, you could give us a little more rehearsal time.
Uh-huh.
You could perhaps let us do a number once in a while, a full number on the show
sometime.
Uh-huh, okay.
I don't like the way you're always telling me, why don't you have a little
coffee with your sugar?
I hate that.
I hate when you say that.
Also, you take towels from our dressing room, you batter dip everything you eat.
You soft pedal your Norwegian heritage.
I want to tell you something.
You don't know the hell that it has been.
Listen to me.
You have been...
You've been hanging your curveball lately, and I hate that.
You will not eat bacon and eggs unless they are arranged in a smiley face.
You shout rude things at the TV when John Tesh is on, and you're constantly
confusing caramel and nougat.
I know it was you behind the scandal at the Sears Automotive Centers.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I stand behind every repair I make.
You are stingy with the non-dairy creamer, and I hate that.
You blow all your money on extension cords, and you insist on riding in the cab
driver's lap.
You should have checked to make sure you were pregnant before you went on the
Today Show.
But, you know, Brian Gumbel, I think, believe me, for just a second, I think I
had him going pretty good.
And after a couple of beers, I hate when you start calling everybody Linda.
Linda.
Linda.
All right.
Okay, Paulette.
Fair enough.
I appreciate the constructive criticism.
Thank you very much.
What?
I happen to know for a fact that you voted for the other Elvis stamp, and that,
ladies and gentlemen, is show business.
Ha, ha, ha.
Okay.
That's so good.
It's actually a lovely anemometer.
We're going to do a commercial, and Bobby Flay will be out here, kids, so come
on back.
How do you do?
Paul, look at this.
Look at this.
Hey, look at this.
What do you think of that?
Great.
Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?
Yeah.
You know what that is?
It's green.
It's a nice tie, isn't it?
Nice, yeah.
Could you guess your weight or something?
Hey!
Hey!
Let's see.
Coming up in this half hour, comedian Jimmy Walker will be joining us, ladies
and gentlemen.
Jimmy, Kid Dynamite, J.J. Walker.
Tomorrow on the program, Tom Brokaw, who is the star, the host, the anchorman
of NBC's Nightly News.
He'll be here, and also Lindsey Buckingham.
Yeah.
Yeah, it'll be quite a show for you tomorrow.
See if he can't try to get back in.
Oh, what are you doing now?
Stop it.
What are you doing?
Oh, nothing.
Sorry.
Just go on with the show.
No, are you all right?
Yes, I'm fine.
You know, you can tune that piano during the day, Paul.
You don't need...
I'm fine.
Is there something wrong with you?
Nothing at all.
You seem distracted.
Just do the show.
Fine.
I'm fine.
Would you rather not be here?
Is that it?
No, no.
Is there someplace else, something else you would rather be doing now?
Well, to tell you the honest truth, there are a couple of things that I would
rather be doing.
Yeah, like what, for example?
Well, I'd rather be organizing my Dollywood souvenirs.
Yeah.
I'd rather be spending time with my 11 illegitimate children.
I would rather be sharing a Thighmaster with Suzanne Somers.
I would rather be getting a baboon liver, really, rather than be here.
A baboon liver.
I would prefer to be walking the night and feeding on the blood of the living
rather than
being here.
I would rather spend some quality time with my wife, Jane Pauly.
Oh, by the way, did you get that cappuccino machine we sent you?
We adored it.
Yeah, okay.
I would rather be doing my Tai Chi naked than being here.
I would rather be marketing my new fragrance, Suddenly Paul, than to be here.
You know, I would rather be burning ants with my laser vision, or I would
rather be getting
my name changed legally to Donna, rather than to be here.
How about Donna Baboon?
I would rather be whitewater rafting with Jerry Van Dyke, or shaving the Batman
logo into
the back of my head, or taking a nap, like everybody else here in this audience
right now.
The guy in the third row, he's not asleep.
That guy right there, he's still awake.
He's reading, that guy.
I would rather be drinking shampoo, even though I know it's not to be taken
internally, and
finally, I would rather be eating my weight in cheese.
Now, would that be like Swiss or American?
Well, if you must know, monster cheese.
Okay, good, Paul.
Well, thank you very much.
I appreciate you taking the time to serve us.
Tomorrow on the program, Tom Bilka, I'm Lindsay Buckingham.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.

Paul Shaffer Rants Collection on Letterman, 1992

Hi there!
On the program tonight, A Tribe Called Quest.
Going to be very exciting, isn't it?
Yeah.
And actress Tawny Katane from Debbia KRP, the show there in Cincinnati.
Tomorrow on the program, Charles Grodin, a fine actor and a gifted writer, will
be here.
Well, a writer.
Comedian Bill Hicks will be joining us, and we have a six-year-old ham on the
program.
A what?
A six-year-old ham?
Six-year-old ham radio operator.
I'm sorry, man.
I don't...
What the hell is...
I don't know what is wrong with me, Paul.
What is...
Is there something wrong with me?
What is wrong with me that I would screw that up?
What is wrong with you?
Yeah, what is wrong with me?
Well, I know what's wrong with you.
I happen to know what is wrong with you.
You're sarcastic.
You're abrupt with the guests.
You have the worst toupee in show business.
Your jokes don't make any sense.
You're always getting Anton Figg's name wrong.
There's always a funny smell coming out of your office.
You look terrible in tweed.
You reek of Mexican aftershave.
You do not understand how fractions work.
You run in the pool area.
You dye your eyes with little hearts.
You're obsessed with the glamorous ladies of wrestling.
You tend to stereotype people of Turkish ancestry for some reason.
You buy cut-rate salad dressing.
You take your national parks for granted.
And it's mean the way you scare the paper boy with a blank pistol.
You cut in line in the commissary.
You cannot pull off a safari look.
Sometimes you start screaming,
Ahoy there, mateys!
Over and over again for no reason at all.
You make the interns lose to you during your karate sparring sessions.
You hog the remote control.
You've thrown away your God-given talent for dancing.
You skip on the mayonnaise.
You skip on the mayonnaise.
And you're as dumb as a post.
You giggle whenever anybody mentions the penal code.
You giggle.
You used to really like Jethro Tull.
You once punched Katharine Hepburn.
Hey, now, wait a minute.
She, wait a minute.
She had that coming.
All right.
Maybe so.
You betrayed folk music when you went electric.
You bitch and moan about having to work one hour a day.
And finally, you insist on calling me Paul,
even though my name is actually Frank.
Okay, Frank.
Yeah, and one more thing.
You seem to have no idea how to use a telephone.
All right, that's fine.
Why don't you stop by the audition tomorrow, Frank?
But I mean it with all the love and respect.
Oh, I know you do.
Of course you do.
Because I care as a friend.
Friend to friend.
All right.
That's why I say it.
All right.
We'll pause here for a commercial,
and then we'll be right back with a time called Chris.
Thank you.
All right, boys.
Very nice.
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
Al Green will be out here in a couple of minutes,
and I'm telling you, Al Green and you guys and David Sanborn,
it's going to be delightful, isn't it?
How did it sound in rehearsal?
Great.
It sounded good.
Okay.
Actress Christine Lottie will also be on the program tonight and tomorrow.
You think tonight's program is pretty good.
Watch tomorrow night.
We have actor Jeff Goldblum, Terry Garr, and singer Tori Amos.
That'll be on tomorrow's program.
I'm sorry I'm going to miss that one.
I've got to have my teeth cleaned, so I won't be here.
You all right, Paul?
Yeah, fine.
What?
Is everything all right or not?
Everything's fine.
No, I'm serious.
Is something troubling you?
Are you all right?
Well, to tell you the truth, there are a couple of things.
Well, like what?
Well, it's awfully cold in here.
Right.
And?
And?
Well, I buy those Oreos for the band and the musical guests.
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry.
I won't eat them.
I won't eat them.
Also, please stop asking us to play We Built This City on Rock and Roll.
And another thing, Dave, you were not one of the Bee Gees.
Stop telling people that you were.
You know, I came very close to being a member of the Bee Gees.
All right, listen, I don't mind the oath.
I do not mind the oath of loyalty, but every day, and you know, I know that it
was you who
vandalized my lawn ornaments.
Now, you can't prove that.
Your ears, David, look like some kind of toaster snack gone wrong.
I hate the stupid way you pronounce Chimblee.
It's Chimney, for heaven's sake.
Listen, we're having trouble getting any store to accept these Dave dollars
that you pay us
with.
Yeah.
Well, those are going to be collector's items.
Yeah, sure.
I'm tired of having to explain to my mom that your jokes aren't supposed to be
funny.
You know what I mean?
What is that aftershave you're wearing?
A1 sauce?
You are not a Cajun, so drop that fake Cajun accent.
You waste hours in the supermarket because you simply refuse to organize your
coupons.
You're homely as a slab of peat moss.
You say catty things about Liza.
Frankly, your oil paintings are amateurish.
And when Gary, my favorite character on 30-something, died, you just laughed.
Your obsession with the Oak Ridge boys is unhealthy.
You had that Trivial Pursuit card that mentioned you framed.
I'm sick of you shouting, these boys are tasty after every French fry that you
eat.
We've all seen your biceps, so enough already.
There are no health reasons for you to wear those three-inch lifts in your
shoes.
Anton tells me you've been touching him in the elevator again.
That is not a social club.
That is not a social club you belong to.
It is a right-wing paramilitary group intent on overthrowing our government.
Paul?
Paul, is that it, Paul?
Yeah, one more thing.
Yeah.
Why do you insist on letting weatherman Al Roker take naps back here?
Get up, Al.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
And get out of here.
Just get out of here.
Get out of here.
I don't want to see you napping back here anymore.
I'm sorry.
Get out of here, Al.
I'm sorry.
We'll find you another place to sleep, all right?
I'm just sick of up here.
All right.
Now, we'll do a commercial.
Al Green will join us.
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
How do you know?
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you again for tuning us in here tonight.
We're having a lot of fun this evening, don't you think, Paul?
No one has more fun than we do.
Nobody has more fun on their little TV talk show than we do right here on the
Late Night
with David Letterman television program, 1230 Eastern on NBC.
Coming up in the rest of the program, Bobby Flay will be here.
The famous Bobby Flay.
One of the great...
He used to back up Sam and Dave years and years ago, didn't he?
Bobby Flay?
Yeah.
Come on, Paul.
Play along.
He backed up Sam and Dave.
Yeah, I know.
Help me out here with this Bobby Flay thing.
Oh, yeah, he did.
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
Am I the only one saying...
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee?
Also from the...
Who the hell is that guy?
Also from the popular Saturday Night Live program, you watch that show?
Very funny.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of funny people on the...
You used to be on that show.
What am I talking about?
Started on that show.
Weren't you a cast member of that show years ago?
I was in the band and...
What kind of music did you play in the band?
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
Yeah, no, I understand you being disappointed and all, because he ain't here
tonight.
The Jesus and Mary chain, they're great, they'll be here tomorrow.
And Laurie Petty from the motion picture, A League of Her Own.
That's another great show tomorrow night.
Yes, sirree.
What is wrong with you?
What?
I'm serious, what is wrong with you?
Nothing, I'm fine.
Are you all right?
I'm just fine, yes.
Are you sure?
Are you mad at me or something?
Yeah.
No, I'm not.
There's a couple of things that I want to talk to you about after the show, but
other than that...
Let's talk about them now.
If you really have a problem, let's talk about them now.
Go right ahead.
What's on your mind?
Well, you could give us a little more rehearsal time.
Uh-huh.
You could perhaps let us do a number once in a while, a full number on the show
sometime.
Uh-huh, okay.
I don't like the way you're always telling me, why don't you have a little
coffee with your sugar?
I hate that.
I hate when you say that.
Also, you take towels from our dressing room, you batter dip everything you eat.
You soft pedal your Norwegian heritage.
I want to tell you something.
You don't know the hell that it has been.
Listen to me.
You have been...
You've been hanging your curveball lately, and I hate that.
You will not eat bacon and eggs unless they are arranged in a smiley face.
You shout rude things at the TV when John Tesh is on, and you're constantly
confusing caramel and nougat.
I know it was you behind the scandal at the Sears Automotive Centers.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I stand behind every repair I make.
You are stingy with the non-dairy creamer, and I hate that.
You blow all your money on extension cords, and you insist on riding in the cab
driver's lap.
You should have checked to make sure you were pregnant before you went on the
Today Show.
But, you know, Brian Gumbel, I think, believe me, for just a second, I think I
had him going pretty good.
And after a couple of beers, I hate when you start calling everybody Linda.
Linda.
Linda.
All right.
Okay, Paulette.
Fair enough.
I appreciate the constructive criticism.
Thank you very much.
What?
I happen to know for a fact that you voted for the other Elvis stamp, and that,
ladies and gentlemen, is show business.
Ha, ha, ha.
Okay.
That's so good.
It's actually a lovely anemometer.
We're going to do a commercial, and Bobby Flay will be out here, kids, so come
on back.
How do you do?
Paul, look at this.
Look at this.
Hey, look at this.
What do you think of that?
Great.
Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?
Yeah.
You know what that is?
It's green.
It's a nice tie, isn't it?
Nice, yeah.
Could you guess your weight or something?
Hey!
Hey!
Let's see.
Coming up in this half hour, comedian Jimmy Walker will be joining us, ladies
and gentlemen.
Jimmy, Kid Dynamite, J.J. Walker.
Tomorrow on the program, Tom Brokaw, who is the star, the host, the anchorman
of NBC's Nightly News.
He'll be here, and also Lindsey Buckingham.
Yeah.
Yeah, it'll be quite a show for you tomorrow.
See if he can't try to get back in.
Oh, what are you doing now?
Stop it.
What are you doing?
Oh, nothing.
Sorry.
Just go on with the show.
No, are you all right?
Yes, I'm fine.
You know, you can tune that piano during the day, Paul.
You don't need...
I'm fine.
Is there something wrong with you?
Nothing at all.
You seem distracted.
Just do the show.
Fine.
I'm fine.
Would you rather not be here?
Is that it?
No, no.
Is there someplace else, something else you would rather be doing now?
Well, to tell you the honest truth, there are a couple of things that I would
rather be doing.
Yeah, like what, for example?
Well, I'd rather be organizing my Dollywood souvenirs.
Yeah.
I'd rather be spending time with my 11 illegitimate children.
I would rather be sharing a Thighmaster with Suzanne Somers.
I would rather be getting a baboon liver, really, rather than be here.
A baboon liver.
I would prefer to be walking the night and feeding on the blood of the living
rather than
being here.
I would rather spend some quality time with my wife, Jane Pauly.
Oh, by the way, did you get that cappuccino machine we sent you?
We adored it.
Yeah, okay.
I would rather be doing my Tai Chi naked than being here.
I would rather be marketing my new fragrance, Suddenly Paul, than to be here.
You know, I would rather be burning ants with my laser vision, or I would
rather be getting
my name changed legally to Donna, rather than to be here.
How about Donna Baboon?
I would rather be whitewater rafting with Jerry Van Dyke, or shaving the Batman
logo into
the back of my head, or taking a nap, like everybody else here in this audience
right now.
The guy in the third r