Name: LNwDL, August 26, 1988, Full, Stereo
Uploaded: 2017-10-25T01:56:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'LNwDL, August 26, 1988, Full, Stereo' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'LNwDL, August 26, 1988, Full, Stereo' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-25. Transcript available.

LNwDL, August 26, 1988, Full, Stereo

From New York, where we're proud to have the highest number of per capita disfiguration
starring scars in the free world, it's Late Night with David Letterman.
Tonight, radio personality Paul Harvey, comedian Jerry Seinfeld, and musician
Joan Armitrini.
Plus, Paul Schaefer and the world's most dangerous fan.
And now, NBC's first choice to host the 1988 Summer Olympics, David.
David Letterman!
Welcome to the show.
Hi, how are you?
Thank you very much.
Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm not going to joke around with you.
I'm in a horrible mood.
I got some bad news this afternoon.
Cat World magazine phoned me, and they rejected my short story entitled Mr. Whiskers.
Oh, I don't know who that is, Hal, let's see what monument she's standing in
front of.
That's the Lincoln Memorial, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Down there in Washington, D.C., or as we say in Indiana, Washington, D.C.
I don't like to complain, but lately it seems whenever I have a dinner party, I
have to keep saying the five same words over and over again to my guests.
Please don't touch the harpsichord.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm just, wait a minute.
Wasn't that at once?
Yes, it was.
It was a Doris Day movie in the 60s.
Musicians reading ahead on the cards.
Now, something's wrong here.
I noticed this the second I came out.
Everything is out of whack.
The camera, well, who's this guy?
What the hell are you doing here?
Are you with the network?
Can we see some identification?
Who is this guy?
What, does he have to be kneeling there?
What?
Have there been threats on my life?
Is that why you're there?
Yeah.
Well, just get out of here.
Just beat it, will you?
Do we need him there?
Well, then get out.
Well, no, no, I said out.
Not there.
That's, that's not out.
Just get there.
Why is there a guy there?
And don't come back until you learn how to behave, all right?
Is he supposed to be there?
Oh, he pulls the monitor.
He pulls the monitor back when I come out.
And he's been here every night for the last...
Hey, hey, I...
But that's not it all.
There's also, we're at an odd angle.
This thing is wrong, and then it's dark over there.
Does it seem a little dark to you?
No.
All right.
Thank God for these rehearsals.
Anyway, a stage costume worn once by Elvis Presley in a performance sold a
couple of days ago in London for $48,000.
$48,000.
A guy bought it, and he was going to donate it to his son's Little League field
to be used as a tarp.
He used as a tarp.
Hey, hey, kids.
Phone the neighbors.
What a show.
Joan Armitrading is here.
Jerry Seinfeld and Paul Harvitz.
Good job, Paul Schaefer.
Good.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, you know what we haven't done in a long time.
Let's do this.
Wait for this machine to get up to speed.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we'll fill the studio with bubbles.
Key it out.
Very nice.
Lovely, isn't it?
I know.
I know.
Oh, boy.
Well, are you having a good time?
I'm having a lovely time.
Anything we ought to cover before we get to it?
Uh, just that, uh, it's been a nutty week.
It's been a strange week, hasn't it?
Yeah, kind of a crazy week, but we have a good show this evening.
Yeah.
And, uh...
I have an announcement to make.
You do?
Yeah, you remember about a month ago, I was told by the police in Los Angeles
never to go to the airport again?
Yes, you were banned.
I would just like to alert everybody on the force tonight at LAX that I'll be
there.
I get in around 1230 and I'll be there.
Tonight?
Yeah, so if you guys want to come by and say hello.
You're arriving at LAX tonight?
Yeah.
What airline?
I was thrown out of the airport.
They said, never come back to the airport.
You and Phil Spector are the people who have been banned from the airport.
I don't know what that means.
I don't know what that means.
It's viewer mail night, but before we do the viewer mail, we do something else,
don't we?
Maybe.
We do.
When do we do it?
We do it now?
Sure.
Top 10 category.
Top 10 revelations in Albert Goldman's upcoming biography of Ringo Starr.
Ringo Starr.
Now, this is the guy who wrote the biography of Elvis Presley, and I guess
recently published
the biography of John Lennon.
John Lennon.
So this would be his upcoming treatment of Ringo Starr's life.
Now, does he really have a treatment coming up of Ringo Starr's life?
Uh-huh.
These would be the top 10 revelations.
I see.
Here we go.
I guess even if he did, if he did, if he had, if he was doing, he just did Lennon,
if he
was going to do Ringo.
That's right.
Yeah.
He would be the next in the trilogy, Ringo.
I see.
Completing the trilogy, Ringo Starr.
In a nutty universe.
Yeah.
Top 10 revelations in Albert Goldman's upcoming biography of Ringo.
Ringo that he's doing.
Here we go.
Number 10, only Beatle to portray himself in Beatlemania.
Number 9, used to get John and Paul token songs to sing so they wouldn't feel
left out.
Number 10, a secretary named Lincoln, while Lincoln had a secretary named Ringo.
I didn't realize that.
Number 7, for a while, actually believed Paul was dead.
Number 6, served in Indiana National Guard during Vietnam War.
Number 5, suggested Hey, Hey, We're the Monkeys as the Beatles' theme song.
Number 4, on their honeymoon, he and wife Barbara Bach held a bed in to promote
Seagram's wine
coolers.
Number 3, made a fortune selling cheesy Ginsu knife sets on TV.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's a revelation about Ronco.
Ronco.
Not Ringo at all.
Yeah, and what did you pay to get in?
Thank you.
Number 2, advised Paul that Hey Dude just didn't sound right.
And the number 1 revelation in Albert Goldman's upcoming biography of Ringo Starr.
Vocal on Octopus's Garden Played Backwards sounds like, thank God these other
guys are so talented.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good night, everybody.
Viewer mail night, Paul.
Yes, Friday night.
This is our second batch of viewer mail since the writers have returned from
that long, terrible,
miserable strike.
It pitted brother against brother, you know.
Sure did.
Sure did.
Actual letters, ladies and gentlemen, from actual viewers, and we'll answer
them for you
here tonight.
Letter number 1 begins,
Dear Mr. Letterman, you recently appeared on our local evening news during one
of your
visits to Indianapolis.
You were unshaven, Dave.
Your clothes were rumpled.
Your hair was matted.
Our city planners have spent years trying to improve the image of Indianapolis.
Do us a favor, quit telling people that you're from Indiana.
Sincerely, PW Joyce, Indianapolis, Indiana.
All right, I'll be happy to help you improve your image.
I'm not from Indiana, but Dan Quayle is.
Wow.
Boy, I could have been killed, for heaven's sakes.
Letter number 2.
Is the monitor guy still here?
Because I thought it might have been sabotage.
You know, you throw a guy out and it comes back to haunt you.
It comes back to haunt you.
Go ahead.
Dear Dave, number 2 begins,
I need your help.
My home was recently burglarized.
In addition to various other valuables,
the thieves took my VCR and a tape of your September 16th show.
Anne-Marie Moore, Detroit, Michigan.
Gee, that's horrible, Anne-Marie.
I wish there was something I could do, frankly, because I understand.
What?
Dave, don't worry about it.
I took care of it.
Took care of what?
What do you mean?
Well, I read the letter earlier today,
so I sent her a little money for a new VCR.
It's the least I could do for, you know, a loyal viewer.
Well, I can't believe you fell for this.
What?
It's obviously a joke.
She's not serious about this.
She just wanted to get her letter read on the air.
Maybe.
Her house wasn't burglarized?
Oh, of course not.
Just joking.
A ploy.
And I sent her 600 bucks.
One thing I like.
Ladies and gentlemen, the president and executive officer of Edmonton Jesus,
Robert Wright.
Robert Wright.
It's a classic humor like that that makes this show a hit with juveniles
everywhere.
Thank you very much, Robert.
And as far as Schaefer goes, well, I guess he's an acquired taste.
Personally, I never cared for him.
Anyway, that aside, keep up the good work, Tom.
And folks, don't forget to watch the Bob Costa Sports Machine following this
show.
All right.
Robert C. Wright, ladies and gentlemen.
Good to see you.
Letter, letter, letter, letter number three.
Number three.
Dear Dave, letter number three.
We thought about it for a while and decided that we really don't want to know
too much about Hal.
Thanks anyway.
Us again, John and Tom Shackow, Washington, D.C.
They're talking about Hal Gruney, our director.
Well, that well may be...
Excuse me, Dave.
Huh?
Gruney.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hal Gruney, our director.
That may be, Tom and John, but many of our viewers do enjoy that segment.
So let's go now to the control room for another installment of Know Too Much
About Hal Gruney.
There he is.
Hi, Dave.
Hi, Hal.
Can you hear me?
Yes, we can hear you, Hal.
Okay, Dave.
Well, Dave, you know, the last few weeks it's been so hot here in New York.
Yes.
I don't have to tell you how hot it's been.
Oh, it's terribly hot.
Well, I've experienced a lot of painful red chafing in various parts of my body.
And prescription ointment was the only thing that helped.
Okay, thank you, Hal.
Okay, Dave.
That's way too much.
That's so much more than we ever hope to know about.
Oh, please.
Hal Gruney, ladies and gentlemen.
Hal is married, has a family, and votes in the elections.
Yes.
A well-respected member of his community.
And here, on TV, he plays the buffoon.
Number four.
To whom it may concern, I like almost all of your guests that you have on your
television program,
except for one pair of women you had on earlier on your show.
These two women, which I will not mention, are truly offensive.
I will only mention their initials, S-B and M, married to S-P.
I truly hope they will never be on your show again.
Nameless from Wisconsin.
Hmm.
You know what's interesting to me about this, Paul?
I think this person is on to something here.
You know how I never like to say anything about celebrities?
I never like to say anything bad about them?
You never do.
I know that.
I'm worried that I'll get sued.
I know that about them.
But here, what she's doing, if you use initials, you can say anything you want
to say.
Ah.
Just use the initials.
I don't know if that's such a good idea.
No, no.
I think this is perfect.
All you have to do, in fact, I'm going to try it right now.
The biggest, and this makes me feel so good to get this off my chest.
Yeah.
The biggest jerk in show business is a guy whose initials are J-N.
Dave, I...
I wouldn't make...
I don't think you should make waves.
No, no.
I'm going to do it again.
It's liberating.
I'm going to say it again.
He is the biggest weasel in show business.
The way J-N, he shows up at those Laker games, makes a big spectacle of himself
at the Academy Awards.
This guy is the lowest, most reprehensible...
Yes, Hal?
Dave, there's a phone call for you.
Oh, excuse me.
Yellow.
Yeah, Dave.
Yeah.
This is Jack Nicklaus.
Ladies and gentlemen, professional golfer Jack Nicklaus.
Jack, I can't tell you what an honor it is to hear from you.
What can I do for you tonight?
Yeah, don't give me that crap.
I was watching your show with Jim Neighbors and TV's Dennis the Menace, Jay
North.
Uh-huh.
I just wanted you to know that we're suing you for everything you've got.
Well, now, wait a...
I'll show you who's a jerk.
No, no, settle down.
I think I owe you an explanation here.
When I was saying J-N, and I didn't really want to come out and use the name,
but I was thinking of Jack Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson?
The actor?
Right.
Well, that explains about the Laker games.
Yeah.
Gee, we're all really sorry.
I guess we owe you an apology.
Oh, that's perfectly all right.
Well, look, tell you what.
I'm going to send you one of my six green jackets from the Masters.
Would that square things between us, buddy?
Oh, that'd be great.
Okay, any time, pal.
All right.
Thank you very much.
Jeff, thank you.
It's such a thrill to get a call on a dummy phone.
Letter number four.
Number five.
Five?
Dear Mr. Letterman, if you could declare a national holiday, 