Name: "Suits of" Collection on Letterman, 1984-88 Updated Version
Uploaded: 2017-10-26T16:50:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '"Suits of" Collection on Letterman, 1984-88 Updated Version' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '"Suits of" Collection on Letterman, 1984-88 Updated Version' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-26. Transcript available.

"Suits of" Collection on Letterman, 1984-88 Updated Version

Hi there.
Recently, one of my neighbors dozed off while watching the Olympic luge finals
and literally fell out of his chair.
Well, as soon as that happened, I went down to the basement workshop
and I covered my favorite chair and my favorite jumpsuit with Velcro.
And as you can see, it works like a charm.
But I have the, uh, thank you very much.
So, here's to Velcro.
Join us tonight for our gala tribute to that miracle space-age fabric of the 80s,
Velcro.
Hello?
Yeah.
I don't look like a jerk here, do I?
No, you look fine.
It's fine to me, Dad.
Okay.
Could you get me down because I'm having trouble with that, uh, artery.
Stay in there?
Yeah.
Kind of swelling up?
Yeah.
Yeah, let me make a few calls.
How?
Yeah, okay, fellas.
Cut, Dave, then.
All right.
Thank you.
You know, the Grammy Awards were televised earlier tonight, and, well, what
better time to have a little fun with Velcro?
You'll never guess where this is pulling.
Please welcome the director of both industrial sales, I'm sorry, director of
industrial sales for Velcro USA, Mr. Michael Heater.
Michael?
All right, sir.
Nice to see you.
Now, uh, if you'll, uh, can you just give me a hand down here with this stuff,
Michael?
And, uh, if I come off here wrong, I'm gonna, uh...
You're gonna hug me.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Yeah!
Oh, okay, great.
Thank you.
Now, that's, uh, this is, this is a real, uh, tough Velcro, isn't it?
You look like a spaceman.
But is this extra strength?
That's the extra strength.
This is the super Velcro.
Tell us, uh, what, what it is, first of all, that Velcro is, and then, and then,
uh, tell us how you came about it.
Well, Velcro is a series of hooks and loops, male and female.
Uh-huh.
One grabs the other and sticks.
Okay, so I'm...
You're the male.
I'm covered here now with loops, right?
No, you're the male.
What are these?
That's the loop over there.
No, no, these are loops here, are they?
These are the hook.
Oh, these are the hooks.
I'm sorry.
Okay, these are the hooks.
Those are the loops.
Now, how was this developed?
Who invented it?
A gentleman by the name of George Demestrel.
He patented in 1948.
After a couple of years walking through the woods with his dog, hunting,
he figured that that little burdock burr had a use for something.
Uh-huh.
These are burrs that would stick to him and end them up.
Right.
That was where the idea came from.
So, uh, it took him several years.
And that's what we had to do.
A lot of pain, and he finally came up with it.
Okay.
Why don't you show us some of the different applications of modern-day Velcro
here?
Well, this is a golf shoe.
Uh-huh.
Nice-looking, sleek.
Velcro right there.
That's smooth.
What do you have there?
Well, it takes a real man to pull this apart.
It is a tension block.
Now, what do you do with that?
That's just for exercise?
Just to show the people how strong Velcro is.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
You can't get that apart at all?
You try.
Okay.
And what are these right here?
These are hair rollers that we make for the professional beauty supply houses.
All different sizes.
And we make millions of them.
Yeah.
And they...
For different size.
Oh, they stick right into your hair.
Don't put that stuff in there.
Okay.
And then you have this, a toy, a rifle, and it shoots what?
Velcro bullets?
I almost didn't make it to your show.
They caught me going through security.
Oh, with the rifle?
Sure.
Yes, they give me a hard time.
Now, how does that work?
Put it on the end.
Uh-huh.
Oh, I see.
Whoops.
Oh, and I see it would...
Right.
Right there.
Okay.
All right.
Now, we've put...
We built this suit.
Can you do the stirrups down there, sir?
Okay.
Now, we've come up with a couple other adaptations for Velcro.
And it's used a lot in the space program, isn't it?
It is, indeed.
And in everyday life and stuff.
Where is the basketball?
Oh, there it is.
Go ahead and throw me the basketball.
Just go ahead and...
There you go.
Okay.
Oh, easy.
All right.
Now, give me a...
Just give me a softer one.
There you go.
Kind of a whole new meaning to the world of Velcro.
All right.
Do we have anything else that we were going to show here?
Anything else in there?
Okay.
One more thing here.
Take your ball back.
Could we have the trampoline out?
Now, this wall is, again, covered with the other half of the Velcro, right?
All right.
Now, have you ever done anything like this?
I haven't, no.
Maybe a drum roll.
Now, theoretically, I'll hit the wall and stay there, right?
Yes, theoretically.
Okay.
Go high.
As high as I can go.
Okay.
Okay.
Can you...
There's very little I can do from this position.
There's very little I can do from this position.
No, no.
So, I guess, I guess we'll just, well, what do we do?
We'll go to a commercial?
It's fine.
Thank you, Mr. Heater.
Thank you very much for being here on our Salute to Velcro night.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Now, tell me about your job.
You're an audi...
Audit player.
And what is that?
You know, I split material and bring work to different sides of the factory.
Mm-hmm.
Do you enjoy that job?
Well, that's not like what I like to be doing, but...
What would you like to be doing?
Construction.
Yeah?
Have you ever wanted to play around with Velcro?
Anthony, I'm going to change your life.
Put these gloves on.
You slip right into those.
How are we doing on time here?
Three minutes.
Three minutes?
Okay.
Now, you go over there and I'll throw you this ball.
Over where?
Just go over there by Paul.
That's Paul Schaefer.
Anthony Price, Paul.
In the band?
Just go over there, Anthony.
Yeah.
Now, I'm going to throw you the ball.
Just stick your hand up.
You ready?
Yeah.
Pretty amazing, isn't it, Anthony?
Let me try one more here.
Okay.
There you go.
All right.
Just use one hand.
Yeah, just one hand.
That's all it takes.
There you go.
Yeah!
All right.
And the old bounce pass.
There you go.
Oh!
Very nice.
Come on over here, Anthony.
Let me tell you what else we're doing tonight.
We've got a jumbo tank of water back there.
Perhaps you can see it.
And later in the program, maybe.
Now, our staff has constructed a suit covered with Alka-Seltzer tablets.
Now, 3,400 little tablets stuck to this suit.
And we thought it would be fun just to dump a guy in there, and kind of a cheap
way to convert
your tub into a jacuzzi, we thought.
And so we were testing it out earlier today, and our head writer, Steve O'Donnell,
was in
the suit, and he went into the tank, and it worked great.
But what you don't realize, the carbon dioxide, is it carbon dioxide?
Carbon dioxide coming off the tablets somehow overwhelms or eats up or destroys
or taints
or ruins the oxygen.
So you can't breathe.
Well, Steve is in the tank, and everybody's going, all right, and pretty soon
he goes, you
know, so they hauled him out, and he's okay, you know, he's just fine, but the
problem is
now, to do it for you tonight, and we haven't decided, by the way, if we're
going to do it
tonight, it was this guy's fault.
So you have to have oxygen breathing apparatus.
That's what you have to have.
So we may do it, we may not do it.
What do you think, Paul?
Is this something we want to?
I think we should do it, and by we, we really just mean you.
That's right.
That's right.
But when we thought of the idea, it seemed like a lot of fun, and it turns out
it is fun
right up until the time it kills you.
So, now I know a lot of you are going to do it at home.
You get a 900-gallon tank of water and 4,000 Alka-Seltzers, and you're in
business.
But if you do, make sure, you know, the fire company is there helping you out.
So we may do that tonight if we have time.
Now, here's our friend Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, we're going to go ahead and try it, ladies and gentlemen, because...
Thank you, sir.
You've been such a wonderful audience, and we have 3,400 Alka-Seltzer tablets
on this
fine piece of clothing.
It weighs...
How much does this weigh, by the way?
70 pounds.
It's beginning to sound like the Rose Parade, isn't it?
70 pounds, and each one of these buds is living.
Now, why do I need the shoes exactly?
I'll tell you later.
Oh, okay.
It's apparently a reason I need shoes while I'm in the...
Well, of course, you don't want to get your feet wet.
Now, don't be pessimistic.
All right, we'll get the shoes on.
Yes, are we ready to do that?
We'll be back to continue this.
Lord knows more.
Okay.
And I...
We have the oxygen here, and I have been asked about 12 times by various
members of the staff
to remind you, don't try this at home.
I know you have the 900-gallon tank, I know you have the oxygen, I know you
have the suit
of oxy-seltzer, and a staff of 100 people.
Oh!
And of course you have the hoist, but please don't try this at home.
How much time do we have?
45 seconds.
Boy, if I die, this is the worst possible way to go, isn't it?
Okay, I put it on and do what?
Okay, it's breathing.
Do you release my feet?
Or release your feet?
What the hell?
Release your feet.
How much time?
30 seconds.
Okay, here we go.
Thank you very much.
If this doesn't work out, Paul, I'd like you to take over.
I love you, man.
The mask isn't tight enough.
Is that a problem?
All right.
No.
Okay, let's go.
Thank you.
My proudest moment.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, I can't bend my arm, though.
This is the microphone I'm talking about?
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
The magic moment has arrived.
I'm not from your planet.
What we're going to do, like I need to explain to you what tonight is all about.
Tonight is human sponge night.
And first, of course, the all-important weigh-in.
So I turn around and will weigh myself.
Is that correct?
All right.
This also marks the first time I've ever appeared on television without my
shoes.
I'm weighing now 190 pounds.
That's right?
Okay.
Now, I'll get in the tank of water, and then what do we do?
We absorb the water, and then we'll get another measurement.
But the first figure, 190 pounds.
Now, let me just say something for those of you at home who are saying to
yourselves,
what a wimp this guy is.
I have the strength of ten men.
All right.
Do what?
Step back a little.
Yes, I'll be happy to step back a little.
I'm suspended here.
I can lean forward a little bit and...
Whoa!
Maybe...
Can we...
Okay, just pull me back now.
Oh, thank you very much.
A lot of our astronauts have been here training all week.
Okay, Paul, the first important figure, 190 pounds.
That's dry.
I'm in the human sponge suit.
Are we ready to go?
Okay.
Here, take this, or I'll be, of course, electrocuted.
Here we go.
Let's go.
Ooh.
Oh, that's perfect.
Now, what do I go in head first?
Is that the plan?
Boy, if this gives way, it's going to be an ugly story in the post tomorrow.
I could be, but the suit is so stiff that I can't really bend them.
Kind of a design flaw in the suit.
Oh, my gosh.
A grown man just pushed me by the feet.
Well, okay, and now we're ready to go?
Okay, now we'll get the, we're going to show you how much.
How do you like your tea, Paul?
Oh, my goodness.
This is, uh, you wouldn't believe the places I'm being squeezed.
No, I'm not quite done, but it was sort of enjoyable.
I mean, just a little longer.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, what?
Yeah, hold it, hold it.
Yeah, no, I, uh, all I do is wash the cars, lady.
It's not my fault.
I lost her antenna.
500 pounds.
Over five.
Do I turn around here?
I can't move.
All right.
The scale is now at, oh, jeez.
And now what I'd like to do is some wind sprints, some eight-count burpees, and
some push-ups.
So what does that mean?
We got in at 190, and the weight with the water is 500 pounds.
210 pounds.
How many gallons is that?
25.
25 gallons?
Is it?
500 pounds?
25 gallons.
It's way over.
Yeah, it's way over 500 pounds.
It's, ladies and gentlemen, it's close to 1,000 gallons.
There you go.
Close to 1,000 gallons.
Unbelievable, isn't it?
Okay.
All right, we'll figure this out, and we'll be right back.
You'll be able to tell your grandchildren you saw the human sponge.
Thank you very much.
So it was 25 gallons, 8 pounds to a gal