Name: Bob Hope & Aftermath on Letterman June 16, 1989
Uploaded: 2017-11-15T20:36:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bob Hope & Aftermath on Letterman June 16, 1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bob Hope & Aftermath on Letterman June 16, 1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-15. Transcript available.

We've got a good show tonight. Bob Hope is here, Melanie Mehran, Robin Hitchcock.
It's interesting, Paul, I had to go to my room, but yet when you came into my
room,
you never really left your position there at the keyboards.
Well, I, uh...
But yet I had to leave.
The wonders of medical science, I guess.
Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it?
Yeah.
Our first guest tonight, one of the handful of truly great stars of American
theater and
films.
Last month, he celebrated, this is fantastic, his 86th birthday.
And, uh, through Sunday night, you can see this man live with Rosemary Clooney
at the Westbury
Music Fair on Long Island.
Please welcome Bob Hope.
And those people react this way everywhere you go.
Because I was with you once a long time ago, and every time you would step out
of your trailer
or wherever, moving about, crowds of people would cheer and wave and applaud.
Must be, uh, exhilarating.
Come on.
No!
No, you don't notice this?
You put me on.
No, I'm not putting you on.
Anyway, you know, uh, there's a show across the hall called Live at Five.
You've probably been on the show before.
It's a local infotainment kind of show.
And, and we used to go over there and visit all of the time and just kind of
drop in, and
we thought we were pretty close friends and good neighbors and so on and so
forth.
And a couple of weeks ago, they explained that they would rather not have me
come over there.
Now, you've made kind of a career of dropping in on shows.
You've dropped in on this show.
You've dropped in on The Tonight Show.
Anywhere there's a show, you drop in, and people are happy to have you.
And I belong in that studio because in 1934, I did the Broma Seltzer radio show
there in
that studio.
Yeah, you know, it was canceled, Bob.
That show was canceled.
That show?
Yeah, last week.
When last week they unplugged it.
Now, let me see.
We only did about four months on it.
Now, well, now we can't go over there.
Four months on it.
We can't go over there now.
They're in a commercial.
And what happens when they come out of the commercial?
Huh?
What?
Huh?
Huh?
They're in a commercial now.
Huh?
What?
But, yeah, but what will they be talking about when we come out of the
commercial?
You know something?
This is funny.
Huh?
It'll be news.
News?
Oh, my gosh.
Bad news?
Happy news.
Wouldn't you guess it would be happy news?
Well, can we go in there or not?
Okay.
Now, now let me ask you.
Do you mind?
You know what I love about you, sir?
You're just like our show.
You don't know what the hell you're doing.
That's right.
Now, but see, they don't, they won't let me in there.
But you, Mr. Showbiz.
You're going to send me in there to the gala, son.
Do you mind?
No.
And just go in and kind of like do a promotion for your appearance on the show
tonight.
And all of New York City will see it.
All right.
Now, let me, let me find out.
Can we go in there now?
We can go in there right now?
They're out of the commercial.
Okay.
Can we see now what they're doing right now?
Have I got time to make up or anything?
They're in black right now.
Okay.
They're either in black or something really bad has happened in town.
All right.
All right.
So, Will, now, do you mind doing this, Bob?
No.
Hell no.
I'll go.
You see?
Watch your language.
Do you ever, do you ever have a problem with jet lag when you're traveling
around?
Yeah.
Yeah, really?
Yeah, sure.
Because you're, you're always, uh...
Hi, how are you?
Hi, sir.
No, no, no.
I'm not coming in.
But look, Bob Hope can go anywhere.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, it's Bob Hope.
He gets to go in anywhere.
Look, it doesn't make any difference.
It's Bob Hope.
He can go in there.
I've got to see him.
Yeah, he's got to see him.
That's right.
You've got to see who?
Huh?
30 seconds.
Oh, they're in a commercial.
We're just going to say hello.
No, I'm not even going in.
We have to wait 30 seconds?
Come here.
I want to talk to you about your ties.
Come here.
All right, go on in.
Bob Hope.
Look, it's the first, first man I've come.
I'm scared.
There you go.
There you go.
All right.
Come on.
So, it's a lot.
Damn, very long.
Bob, do you have a key?
I should have one.
Is there a back way in?
The door's locked.
Somebody's on the door.
They're worried about me and Bob Hope,
so they had to put security on the door.
All right, so, is there a back door?
Oh, boy.
Hi, how are you?
Stay right there, Bob.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Just go down here.
We'll just see if there's a back door here.
You can open it for me?
Yeah.
I love it.
Okay.
Okay, this one's locked as well.
So, what you've seen here is a really good idea turned to...
So, how much for that.
Where did he go?
Oh, Bob's lost now.
Bob, come on.
I thought we lost you.
Are you all right?
I thought maybe they had taken you hostage.
Boy, now there.
Now, see, if they won't let Bob Hope in,
they're not fooling around.
God, I've never been locked out again.
Isn't that awful?
All right, have a shoot.
We'll regroup here,
and we'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
Welcome back to the show.
Bob Hope is here.
Melanie Mehran from 30-something.
I'm sorry.
I have to apologize to you for dragging you into that mess.
Yeah, well, I'm amazed, because I've been on that show.
Yeah.
Maybe that's the reason, huh?
But see, it's stunning to me.
No, I understand why they don't want me over there,
but a chance to talk to you.
I've seen you walk over there lots of times.
We used to go in there all the time.
Yeah.
And now, the front door of the studio is locked,
and the back door of the studio is locked.
Geez, it'd just be a damn shame
if something awful happened in the studio,
and they couldn't get out, wouldn't it?
I think you ought to put a lock on this side.
But, you know, to me, that indicates
that they're just, they're wimpy.
Those people are wimpy.
You live this close to somebody all these years,
and finally, you realize that they're wimpy.
Have I made that point?
I think so.
Monday, Monday on the big telecast,
guess who will be here?
Well, that could go on all day.
I'll tell you, Jackie Mason and Iggy Pop.
That's right, quite a show, that, eh?
And then on Tuesday, Ringo Starr will be here with us.
Ringo Starr.
And Morty just mentioned
that that will be our first Beatle on the show,
and I said, no, not so.
We had Pete Best on.
That's correct.
So he would be our second Beatle.
Second Beatle.
You know, Paul, I'm over there with Bob Hope,
and a couple of things raced through my mind
while we were enjoying.
You could feel that embarrassment
sort of wash over you
when you realized it was going nowhere.
Yeah.
And I have Bob Hope standing here.
Right.
And, by the way,
there's some little weasel over there
at Live at Five
who was troubled
when we went over to see Joan Collins,
some guy who comes out
like he's in control of everything.
I want to find out who that guy is,
and we'll talk to him a little bit later.
See what kind of control he really has.
So I'm standing there,
and I'm talking a mile a minute
just to get in.
I don't know what we're doing.
And out of the corner of my eye,
I see Bob Hope,
and he's got this look on his face
that kind of says,
you know, I'm 86.
I've been in show business since I was 16.
That's almost 75 years.
That's almost three-quarters of a century.
I don't need this.
And we're trying to get in.
The other thing I notice
whenever we do something like that
is I walk funny.
All right, now.
Where is the other card here?
I need another card.
Don't we have another card?
I know.
We're late, aren't we?
I'm hurrying.
Believe me, I'm hurrying.
Trust me on this.
I'm doing everything I can
to move this damn thing along.
Where is the other card?
If I had the other card,
I'd move the show along.
The show would be over.
If I could only find the other card.
Dave?
What?
We'll get that card for you.
Is everything all right?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Actually, no.
I mean, it's been raining
for the last two weeks.
I've had this miserable drive
in and out of town every day
and then the Bob Hope thing
just turns to crap right in our hands.
I don't know.
You know, frankly, Paul,
I'm at the end of my rope.
Well, you know what you need.
What's that?
You need a little time.
Well, no, I do know what I need.
No.
I know exactly what I need.
You need some time to yourself.
Uh-huh.
You should get out of here.
Just kind of get on a plane.
Well, no, but I can't.
Don't tell anybody where you're going.
Leave the world behind
for a couple of days.
Really?
Just take off?
Don't tell anybody where I'm going.
No, just get out.
Vanish.
Disappear.
Get to where nobody can reach you.
I could do that?
You could do that.
You take over the show?
I'll take over.
Don't worry about a thing.
That's a great idea.
Watch how funny I walk.
You get out of here.
How do you do?
Friend of the groom?
Oh, nice to see you.
Hi, how you doing?
I'm okay.
Uh, look, uh,
can you take me to the airport?
Yes.
Which one?
Uh, it doesn't make any difference.
You pick.
You pick an airport.
Hi, excuse me.
When is the next, uh,
plane taking off?
People find support in five minutes.
Five minutes.
You know, I don't even care
where it's going.
Just put me on that plane.
Do you mind?
Everybody wants come for a fight thing.
Don't take a blast that lightning.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you?
Welcome.
Thank you very much.
We have a lovely town here.
Thank you.
Is it always this humid?
Oh, this time of the year.
Yeah.
Well, how long will you be
staying with us, Mr. Philbin?
Uh, a couple of days.
Well, uh, enjoy your stay.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Any relation to Regis?
Oh, boy, I'd be on Easy Street
then, wouldn't I?
I guess so.
All right, thanks.
All right, have a good time.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Hello?
Hello, Dave.
Yes, Paul.
Paul?
Schaefer?
How did you know I was here?
Oh, just a lucky guest.
Dave, what's that thing you say
just before a commercial?
Some little phrase?
Uh, we'll be right back.
Yeah, that's it.
Thanks.
Sorry to bother you.
Enjoy your vacation.
How did you know I was here?
Uh, just a hunch.
Bye.
Oh, hi, Dave.
Sorry, after all, this was my doing.
Clary, what the hell are you doing here?
I vacation here every year.
I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other.
Breakfast, lunch, dinner, sunbathing, snorkeling,
going to flea markets, ballroom dancing, parasailing,
racing miniature phones, band taking, playing pictures,
Paul, Paul.
Dave, is that I'll be right back, or we'll be right back?
I'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
It doesn't make any difference.
Forget the whole thing.
Making pottery, turning to tango,
touring historic homes,
or just lounging around in all pajamas.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Like Bob, Hope, and I are going to go in there
and start stealing stuff.
I am so tired of going through those blue doors.
I've been in and out of this damn studio tonight
like 12 times.
Four or five times tonight.
By the way, we think now,
we just think that the name of the guy across the hall
who is kind of a weasel is Terry Baker.
We think that's his name.
And we think he's the news director, right?
This is the guy a couple of months ago
when Joan Collins, a public relations guy,
pushed the little page down to the floor and picked her.
And then I went over later looking for the guy
because I wanted to turn his lights off.
And Terry Baker comes up to me and he says,
Dave, Dave, what's the problem?
One of those guys.
Huh?
Time to go?
I'm at the end of my row!
Wait a minute.
You know what you need?
Get out of here for a minute.
Do I know what I need?
Do I ever know what I need?
What are we doing?
Which one of these?
Top ten.
Really?
I don't know.
And then the page,
I go to shake her hand when I come back in,
extend a hand like this,
and what does she do?
She's like,
Oh, hello.
How do you do?
Well,
she extended both hands.
I've not seen that before.
It seemed European.
Are you European?
You extended both.
I extended both?
You extended both.
Oh,
I must be losing control of the left side of my body.
I know what I need.
Yes.
So does that page,
I think.
What?
No top ten.
Song.
Song.
You'd like a song?
All right, Paul,
let's do a little song.
Let's do it like here.
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
I don't have a song.
What?
Old Devil Moon.
Here we go.
I don't know that one either.
Well,
get somebody out here who really can sing that.
All right.
Are we still on the air?
I don't think so.
Our next guest is a,
uh,
hello.
How do you do?
Our next guest is a talented songwriter and pre-former
whose latest album is called Queen Elvis.
I have it right here,
as a matter of fact.
Not only did I drag Bob Hope over there,
I just left him there.
I just got over there.
That's right.
Bailed out and came back.
Who did?
I abandoned the poor man.
You came straggling back about 15 minutes later.
You didn't know what to do from the beginning,
and then I just left him.
I unloaded him.
I know.
We're a little late.
Thank you.
Ah.
Our next guest.

Bob Hope & Aftermath on Letterman June 16, 1989

We've got a good show tonight. Bob Hope is here, Melanie Mehran, Robin Hitchcock.
It's interesting, Paul, I had to go to my room, but yet when you came into my
room,
you never really left your position there at the keyboards.
Well, I, uh...
But yet I had to leave.
The wonders of medical science, I guess.
Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it?
Yeah.
Our first guest tonight, one of the handful of truly great stars of American
theater and
films.
Last month, he celebrated, this is fantastic, his 86th birthday.
And, uh, through Sunday night, you can see this man live with Rosemary Clooney
at the Westbury
Music Fair on Long Island.
Please welcome Bob Hope.
And those people react this way everywhere you go.
Because I was with you once a long time ago, and every time you would step out
of your trailer
or wherever, moving about, crowds of people would cheer and wave and applaud.
Must be, uh, exhilarating.
Come on.
No!
No, you don't notice this?
You put me on.
No, I'm not putting you on.
Anyway, you know, uh, there's a show across the hall called Live at Five.
You've probably been on the show before.
It's a local infotainment kind of show.
And, and we used to go over there and visit all of the time and just kind of
drop in, and
we thought we were pretty close friends and good neighbors and so on and so
forth.
And a couple of weeks ago, they explained that they would rather not have me
come over there.
Now, you've made kind of a career of dropping in on shows.
You've dropped in on this show.
You've dropped in on The Tonight Show.
Anywhere there's a show, you drop in, and people are happy to have you.
And I belong in that studio because in 1934, I did the Broma Seltzer radio show
there in
that studio.
Yeah, you know, it was canceled, Bob.
That show was canceled.
That show?
Yeah, last week.
When last week they unplugged it.
Now, let me see.
We only did about four months on it.
Now, well, now we can't go over there.
Four months on it.
We can't go over there now.
They're in a commercial.
And what happens when they come out of the commercial?
Huh?
What?
Huh?
Huh?
They're in a commercial now.
Huh?
What?
But, yeah, but what will they be talking about when we come out of the
commercial?
You know something?
This is funny.
Huh?
It'll be news.
News?
Oh, my gosh.
Bad news?
Happy news.
Wouldn't you guess it would be happy news?
Well, can we go in there or not?
Okay.
Now, now let me ask you.
Do you mind?
You know what I love about you, sir?
You're just like our show.
You don't know what the hell you're doing.
That's right.
Now, but see, they don't, they won't let me in there.
But you, Mr. Showbiz.
You're going to send me in there to the gala, son.
Do you mind?
No.
And just go in and kind of like do a promotion for your appearance on the show
tonight.
And all of New York City will see it.
All right.
Now, let me, let me find out.
Can we go in there now?
We can go in there right now?
They're out of the commercial.
Okay.
Can we see now what they're doing right now?
Have I got time to make up or anything?
They're in black right now.
Okay.
They're either in black or something really bad has happened in town.
All right.
All right.
So, Will, now, do you mind doing this, Bob?
No.
Hell no.
I'll go.
You see?
Watch your language.
Do you ever, do you ever have a problem with jet lag when you're traveling
around?
Yeah.
Yeah, really?
Yeah, sure.
Because you're, you're always, uh...
Hi, how are you?
Hi, sir.
No, no, no.
I'm not coming in.
But look, Bob Hope can go anywhere.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, it's Bob Hope.
He gets to go in anywhere.
Look, it doesn't make any difference.
It's Bob Hope.
He can go in there.
I've got to see him.
Yeah, he's got to see him.
That's right.
You've got to see who?
Huh?
30 seconds.
Oh, they're in a commercial.
We're just going to say hello.
No, I'm not even going in.
We have to wait 30 seconds?
Come here.
I want to talk to you about your ties.
Come here.
All right, go on in.
Bob Hope.
Look, it's the first, first man I've come.
I'm scared.
There you go.
There you go.
All right.
Come on.
So, it's a lot.
Damn, very long.
Bob, do you have a key?
I should have one.
Is there a back way in?
The door's locked.
Somebody's on the door.
They're worried about me and Bob Hope,
so they had to put security on the door.
All right, so, is there a back door?
Oh, boy.
Hi, how are you?
Stay right there, Bob.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Just go down here.
We'll just see if there's a back door here.
You can open it for me?
Yeah.
I love it.
Okay.
Okay, this one's locked as well.
So, what you've seen here is a really good idea turned to...
So, how much for that.
Where did he go?
Oh, Bob's lost now.
Bob, come on.
I thought we lost you.
Are you all right?
I thought maybe they had taken you hostage.
Boy, now there.
Now, see, if they won't let Bob Hope in,
they're not fooling around.
God, I've never been locked out again.
Isn't that awful?
All right, have a shoot.
We'll regroup here,
and we'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
We'll be right back with our friend, Bob Hope.
Welcome back to the show.
Bob Hope is here.
Melanie Mehran from 30-something.
I'm sorry.
I have to apologize to you for dragging you into that mess.
Yeah, well, I'm amazed, because I've been on that show.
Yeah.
Maybe that's the reason, huh?
But see, it's stunning to me.
No, I understand why they don't want me over there,
but a chance to talk to you.
I've seen you walk over there lots of times.
We used to go in there all the time.
Yeah.
And now, the front door of the studio is locked,
and the back door of the studio is locked.
Geez, it'd just be a damn shame
if something awful happened in the studio,
and they couldn't get out, wouldn't it?
I think you ought to put a lock on this side.
But, you know, to me, that indicates
that they're just, they're wimpy.
Those people are wimpy.
You live this close to somebody all these years,
and finally, you realize that they're wimpy.
Have I made that point?
I think so.
Monday, Monday on the big telecast,
guess who will be here?
Well, that could go on all day.
I'll tell you, Jackie Mason and Iggy Pop.
That's right, quite a show, that, eh?
And then on Tuesday, Ringo Starr will be here with us.
Ringo Starr.
And Morty just mentioned
that that will be our first Beatle on the show,
and I said, no, not so.
We had Pete Best on.
That's correct.
So he would be our second Beatle.
Second Beatle.
You know, Paul, I'm over there with Bob Hope,
and a couple of things raced through my mind
while we were enjoying.
You could feel that embarrassment
sort of wash over you
when you realized it was going nowhere.
Yeah.
And I have Bob Hope standing here.
Right.
And, by the way,
there's some little weasel over there
at Live at Five
who was troubled
when we went over to see Joan Collins,
some guy who comes out
like he's in control of everything.
I want to find out who that guy is,
and we'll talk to him a little bit later.
See what kind of control he really has.
So I'm standing there,
and I'm talking a mile a minute
just to get in.
I don't know what we're doing.
And out of the corner of my eye,
I see Bob Hope,
and he's got this look on his face
that kind of says,
you know, I'm 86.
I've been in show business since I was 16.
That's almost 75 years.
That's almost three-quarters of a century.
I don't need this.
And we're trying to get in.
The other thing I notice
whenever we do something like that
is I walk funny.
All right, now.
Where is the other card here?
I need another card.
Don't we have another card?
I know.
We're late, aren't we?
I'm hurrying.
Believe me, I'm hurrying.
Trust me on this.
I'm doing everything I can
to move this damn thing along.
Where is the other card?
If I had the other card,
I'd move the show along.
The show would be over.
If I could only find the other card.
Dave?
What?
We'll get that card for you.
Is everything all right?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Actually, no.
I mean, it's been raining
for the last two weeks.
I've had this miserable drive
in and out of town every day
and then the Bob Hope thing
just turns to crap right in our hands.
I don't know.
You know, frankly, Paul,
I'm at the end of my rope.
Well, you know what you need.
What's that?
You need a little time.
Well, no, I do know what I need.
No.
I know exactly what I need.
You need some time to yourself.
Uh-huh.
You should get out of here.
Just kind of get on a plane.
Well, no, but I can't.
Don't tell anybody where you're going.
Leave the world behind
for a couple of days.
Really?
Just take off?
Don't tell anybody where I'm going.
No, just get out.
Vanish.
Disappear.
Get to where nobody can reach you.
I could do that?
You could do that.
You take over the show?
I'll take over.
Don't worry about a thing.
That's a great idea.
Watch how funny I walk.
You get out of here.
How do you do?
Friend of the groom?
Oh, nice to see you.
Hi, how you doing?
I'm okay.
Uh, look, uh,
can you take me to the airport?
Yes.
Which one?
Uh, it doesn't make any difference.
You pick.
You pick an airport.
Hi, excuse me.
When is the next, uh,
plane taking off?
People find support in five minutes.
Five minutes.
You know, I don't even care
where it's going.
Just put me on that plane.
Do you mind?
Everybody wants come for a fight thing.
Don't take a blast that lightning.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you?
Welcome.
Thank you very much.
We have a lovely town here.
Thank you.
Is it always this humid?
Oh, this time of the year.
Yeah.
Well, how long will you be
staying with us, Mr. Philbin?
Uh, a couple of days.
Well, uh, enjoy your stay.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Any relation to Regis?
Oh, boy, I'd be on Easy Street
then, wouldn't I?
I guess so.
All right, thanks.
All right, have a good time.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Hello?
Hello, Dave.
Yes, Paul.
Paul?
Schaefer?
How did you know I was here?
Oh, just a lucky guest.
Dave, what's that thing you say
just before a commercial?
Some little phrase?
Uh, we'll be right back.
Yeah, that's it.
Thanks.
Sorry to bother you.
Enjoy your vacation.
How did you know I was here?
Uh, just a hunch.
Bye.
Oh, hi, Dave.
Sorry, after all, this was my doing.
Clary, what the hell are you doing here?
I vacation here every year.
I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other.
Breakfast, lunch, dinner, sunbathing, snorkeling,
going to flea markets, ballroom dancing, parasailing,
racing miniature phones, band taking, playing pictures,
Paul, Paul.
Dave, is that I'll be right back, or we'll be right back?
I'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
It doesn't make any difference.
Forget the whole thing.
Making pottery, turning to tango,
touring historic homes,
or just lounging around in all pajamas.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Like Bob, Hope, and I are going to go in there
and start stealing stuff.
I am so tired of going through those blue doors.
I've been in and out of this damn studio tonight
like 12 times.
Four or five times tonight.
By the way, we think now,
we just think that the name of the guy across the hall
who is kind of a weasel is Terry Baker.
We think that's his name.
And we think he's the news director, right?
This is the guy a couple of months ago
when Joan Collins, a public relations guy,
pushed the little page down to the floor and picked her.
And then I went over later looking for the guy
because I wanted to turn his lights off.
And Terry Baker comes up to me and he says,
Dave, Dave, what's the problem?
One of those guys.
Huh?
Time to go?
I'm at the end of my row!
Wait a minute.
You know what you need?
Get out of here for a minute.
Do I know what I need?
Do I ever know what I need?
What are we doing?
Which one of these?
Top ten.
Really?
I don't kno