Name: Frank and Fred Do's and Don'ts Collection on Letterman, 1982-86
Uploaded: 2017-11-19T00:17:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Frank and Fred Do's and Don'ts Collection on Letterman, 1982-86' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Frank and Fred Do's and Don'ts Collection on Letterman, 1982-86' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-19. Transcript available.

Frank and Fred Do's and Don'ts Collection on Letterman, 1982-86

Hello there. Welcome back to the show.
Briefly, I want to thank John Tendi, who happens to be the owner of Shorts,
and I suggest that Shorts have a long talk with his clergyman.
Everything will be fine.
Coming up in the next half hour, we're going to have a report from George
Miller's room.
Ray Geiger of the Farmers' Almond Act will be joining us,
but now it's time to introduce a new series on this television extravaganza.
You know, we believe that there are many people out there who are of an age
where they would like to go out on dates, but perhaps just don't know exactly
the proper way to go about it.
So, therefore, at this time, we would like to introduce to you
Do's and Don'ts with Frank and Fred, How to Behave on a Date.
All right, let's see how interesting this gets.
Fred, shown here, calls Shelly up and asks if she's busy on Friday night.
I think that's, of course, the proper way to do it.
Frank dials a number at random and claims to be Robbie Benson.
Fred brings his date a long-stemmed rose.
Very thoughtful.
Frank brings a moist shoe tree.
Moist shoe tree.
Fred, on meeting his date's parents, says,
Oh, my, what a beautiful home.
Fred is pretty much Eddie Henskel.
Frank says,
Hey, nice watch.
Let's take it downtown and sell it.
Leaving with his date,
Fred says,
Don't worry, sir.
I'll have Shelly home by 10 p.m.
Frank draws Shelly's father aside and whispers,
Hey, why don't we ditch these two lawn tractors
and find us a couple of skirts?
Over dinner, Fred tells an anecdote about his grandfather.
Can't be done without scratching your chin, either,
as you'll notice in the photo there.
See, you just can't do it without touching your chin.
Frank doesn't know any anecdotes.
Instead, he counts out loud to 600.
A moist shoe tree.
After dinner, Fred says,
Let's attend a fine drive-in film.
I'd be honored to pay your way.
Frank puts his date in the trunk
so he won't have to pay.
After the movie,
Fred and his date discuss the film together.
What a weasel.
Frank decided at the last moment
not to go to the movie,
and he drives to Milwaukee
to visit his half-brother.
Fred's date ends with a happy surprise
when Shelly says,
I've had a wonderful time.
May I see you again?
Frank's date ends with a surprise
for Robbie Benson
when the California Highway Patrol say,
Better put your clothes on, son.
We're going downtown.
Frank and French.
Thank you very much.
Welcome back to the show.
Coming up in this half-hour,
Bud Greenspan, sports producer
and also comedian Tom Dreesen.
Right now, however,
it's very exciting
to be able to present to you
another installment
of Do's and Don'ts
with Frank and Fred.
Tonight,
spending the night
at your girlfriend's.
That's right.
when Fred shows up at his date's apartment,
he finds an open door
and a friendly face.
When Frank shows up
at his date's apartment,
he luckily finds a window
she forgot to lock.
Fred compliments his date
on her apartment.
He says,
I have that poster, too.
It changed my life.
Frank picks up her turntable
and says,
Can I have this?
After a big spaghetti dinner,
Fred says,
Gee, what a great meal.
It really sticks to the ribs.
Frank says,
What a great meal.
It really sticks to the ceiling.
After dinner,
Fred lights a romantic fire.
Isn't that sweet?
Yes.
Frank also lights
a romantic fire.
Fred says,
Here,
I'd like you to wear this.
That's very thoughtful.
Frank says,
Here,
I'd like you to wear this.
These darn guys.
Fred's date laughingly
plays hard to get.
Frank's date also
plays hard to get.
In bed,
Fred is gentle
and considerate
of his partner's needs.
Frank wears his walkman
the whole time.
Afterwards,
Fred hugs his partner
and whispers,
I love you.
Frank yells,
I won!
I won!
dating do's and don'ts
dating do's and don'ts.
When Fred's date
wakes up the next morning,
she finds a marriage proposal
and a wedding ring
on the bureau.
When Frank's date wakes up,
she finds an empty tube
of nair
and her eyebrows
are missing.
dating do's and don'ts
with Frank and Fred.
What are we going to do?
We're going to pause.
We'll be right back
with Mr. Bud Greenspan.
Thank you so much.
Welcome back to the show,
ladies and gentlemen.
What a show it is
we have for you tonight.
Every once in a while,
we like to offer
etiquette tips
using these two guys
right here
as examples.
We call the series
do's and don'ts
with Frank and Fred.
And tonight,
and tonight,
we examine
how to behave
and how not to behave
on your wedding day.
All right?
Here we go.
Fred and his fiancée
are very careful
about their guest list.
They invite only
close friends
and relatives.
There they are.
It's cute, isn't it?
While Frank posts
a three-by-five card
at the laundromat.
The night before the wedding,
Fred and his friends
get together
and watch dirty movies.
Frank and his friends
and his fiancée's sister
get together
and make dirty movies.
See, that would be
a wedding don't
right there.
Fred's father says,
you know, son,
I've waited a lifetime
for this day.
Frank's father says,
I'd love to attend
your wedding,
but I've only seen
this Jefferson's once.
Sure he do.
As his bride
marches down the aisle,
oh, look at there,
Fred's heart swells
with pride.
That's wonderful,
isn't it?
Frank begins screaming,
beam me up, Scotty.
Oh, okay.
Before they take their vows,
Fred reads a passage
from The Prophet by Gibran.
Oh, I like lingering
on these.
Frank recites
the only poem
he's ever memorized,
which begins,
there once was a girl
from Nantucket.
At the reception,
Fred accepts
his wedding gifts
graciously.
Frank has erected
a giant pallid orb
behind the stage.
This Fred is such
a weasel, isn't he?
Fred asks his new
mother-in-law
to dance.
Frank asks his
new mother-in-law
to leave.
Fred takes a knife
and cuts his bride
inside a piece
of cake.
Let's not get ahead,
okay, kids?
Frank takes a knife
and rustles up
a few more wedding gifts.
Wedding do's and dotes.
After the wedding,
Fred's friends,
oh, this is quite a gag,
tie tin cans
and bottles
to their car.
Frank's friends
tie the minister
to their car.
The next morning,
when the excitement
has worn off,
Fred says,
in my heart,
I know we did
the right thing.
Oh, that's nice.
The next morning,
when the drugs wear off,
Frank screams,
who are you?
We're what?
Wedding do's and don'ts
with Frank and Fred.
Boy, that sort of brought
a tear to my eye.
You all right?
Well, all hell
is broken loose here,
ladies and gentlemen.
You all right?
Okay?
Thank you so much.
You're welcome back
to the program.
Later in this half hour,
we will have
sports producer
Bud Greenspan with us
and also
the bird lady of Queens,
Arlene Thomas.
Right now,
it's time for another
installment of
do's and don'ts
with our old friends,
yes,
Frank and Fred.
As you may recall
from our last installment,
we showed you
how to behave
and how not to behave
on your wedding day,
which brings us
to tonight's installment,
yes,
honeymoon do's and don'ts.
Number one,
for their honeymoon,
Fred,
there's Fred on the left,
and his bride,
look for the most exotic
romantic country on earth.
There they are,
poring over
endless travel folders.
Frank,
on the other hand,
looks for a country
that has not yet
signed an extradition treaty
with the United States.
But Frank is looking for the...
All right.
All right.
At the airport,
Fred and his bride
cheerfully comply
with the security precautions.
I've never seen
a more cheerful man
in my life.
When Frank walks
through the metal detector
and the alarm
doesn't go off,
he screams,
That's why I love
them new plastic bullets.
At the hotel,
here we are at the hotel,
Fred tips the bellboy
50 cents
to carry the suitcases
to the room.
There he is.
Frank gives the bellboy
$50 to carry
someone else's suitcases
to the room.
Frank on the left there.
Oh, this is exciting.
Fred carries his bride
across the threshold.
Frank throws a ball
into the room
and yells,
Fetch.
Ugly, awful,
awful thing to say.
For Fred,
his honeymoon night
is the most exciting,
satisfying sexual experience
of his life.
And there he is,
excited and satisfied.
Same for Frank.
Honeymoon do's and don'ts.
Fred lets his friends
back home know
he's all right
by sending them
postcards
on a regular basis.
Frank lets his friends
back home know
he's all right
by causing
international incidents
regularly.
Fred enjoys bartering
with the local
street merchants.
As Fred did,
bartering with them.
And, of course,
so does Frank.
Bartering with the local
street merchants.
Fred and his bride
want to bring
a little piece
of their honeymoon
home with them.
So, what a nice
little souvenir.
So does Frank,
who, by the way,
has never seen
Midnight Express.
get ready
with the music
phone.
Fred and his bride
return home
with a new appreciation
for other cultures
as well as
for each other.
No, no, not yet,
not yet, not yet,
not yet.
One card too soon.
That's all right.
Here we go.
At the last moment,
Frank decided to stay
for another
10 to 15 years.
Honeymoon do's and don'ts
with Frank and Fred.
We'll pause now.
We'll be right back
for the Bird Lady
of Queens,
Arlene Thomas.
Now, you know,
our researchers
tell us
that not all
of our viewers
work as messengers.
Yes, some of them
work in actual
office buildings.
And so,
we present a few
etiquette tips tonight
on how to behave
and how not to behave
in an office situation.
Once again,
using these two guys
as our models,
a segment we like
to call
do's and don'ts
with Frank and Fred.
Do's and don'ts
with Frank and Fred.
There they are.
Office do's and don'ts.
Fred has accepted
a job with
Barnett Industries
because they offered him
a challenging position
with plenty of room
for advancement.
Frank has accepted
a job with
Barnett Industries
because it's next
to blimpies.
Do's and don'ts
with Frank and Fred.
Now, Fred tries
to make his new office
as comfortable
as possible.
He brings in
a picture of his wife.
Yeah.
Likewise,
Frank wants to make
his office
as comfortable
as possible
and also brings
in a picture
of Fred's wife.
Fred gets a bonus
after just four months
in the company.
Frank gets a bonus
after just four minutes
in the company locker room.
Now, sometimes Fred
has to work late
even though he hates
to leave his wife
all alone all night
and Frank also hates
to leave her
all alone at night.
During the weekly meetings,
Fred is always
thoughtful and attentive.
See, there's Fred
being thoughtful
and attentive.
Frank suddenly interrupts
the meeting
with his impression
of Denny Terrio
and motion.
They're blimpies.
Fred doesn't expect
his...
Oh, no.
Fred doesn't expect
his secretary
to bring him coffee
just because
she's a woman.
Frank doesn't expect
his secretary
to bring him coffee
just because she's a woman.
He expects her
to bring him coffee
because he was born here
and she wasn't.
Give me good.
It makes me so angry.
I'll write an editorial.
Fred only takes
a day off
if it's really important
like if he has
to bury his grandmother.
Yes, and you guessed it.
Frank doesn't take
the day off
to bury his grandmother.
I know.
It's just getting worse
by the minute, isn't it?
Fred knows how important
it is to look his best
and he always dresses Natalie.
Frank, of course,
also dresses Natalie.
Natalie Barnett,
the owner's daughter.
I think we all saw
that joke coming up
6th Avenue, didn't we?
I know I did.
Well, a year after...
After one year,
Fred gets a big promotion
because his boss
loves hard work
and dedication.
Frank gets a big promotion
because his boss
loves a stock boy
named Raul.
Just the worst.
Do's and don'ts
with Frank and Fred.
So disgusted there.
We'll be right back
with Carol Leeper.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Welcome back to the show.
Coming up in the second half hour,
filmmaker John Sayles,
also comedian Richard Morris.
Now, tomorrow night,
you want to circle your TV guide for this.
Tomorrow night,
football great Ben Davidson.
Wow.
Yeah.
60 minutes with Ben Davidson.
So, if you have any questions about the man,
his career, where he lives,
jot it down, phone it in tomorrow night,
we'll have football great Ben Davidson here.
Anybody else, do you think?
Football great B