Name: Giant Doorknob Collection on Letterman 1982-83
Uploaded: 2017-11-20T00:38:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Giant Doorknob Collection on Letterman 1982-83' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Giant Doorknob Collection on Letterman 1982-83' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-20. Transcript available.

Giant Doorknob Collection on Letterman 1982-83

I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is about today's show, but I have
a feeling
this is going to be our best show yet. I think so too, Paul. That's Paul Schaefer.
There
he is right there. I don't know why. I just feel that way. Thank you, Paul. I
appreciate
that. Did you know this yesterday, Paul, in the building here at NBC? It was doorknob
day? I had no idea. Yeah, it was doorknob day, and they came around, polished
all the
doorknobs. Here's what they looked like before. I think you'll have to agree
with me that it's
kind of an eyesore. That's right. That's before. Well, here's what they look
like today. Unbelievable,
isn't it?
Doorknob day. They don't do that at all, the networks. We do it here at NBC
because
we think it's important.
Nice to see you.
Paul, of course, has the new one-size-fits-all sunglasses. Those are nice.
Thanks, Sam. Thanks a lot. You know, for decades, the same practical jokes have
been displayed
in our nation's novelty shops. Some, like the dribble glass, of course, have
been around
since the days of the early pioneers. But now, a new gag manufacturer has
appeared on
the scene, not a minute too soon, with a line of updated practical jokes based
on the old
favorites. Tonight, we have some of them for you. First of all, this one is
even more disgusting
than the ancient fly in the ice cube trick. This is the Dr. Scholz corn pad in
the ice cube
trick. Yes, now each new drink will contain a different foot care product.
There you have
the corn pads in the ice cube trick. New practical joke item number one. Well,
the old bag of laughs
just doesn't make it anymore. Yes, for fans of irreverent late-night comedy,
now it's the bag
of sarcasm. Yeah, right. Watch what happens when you turn it on. You're hysterical.
Hey, nice
haircut. Boy, you just can't beat those bargain shoes, can you? Boy, I could
listen to you all day.
Yeah, right. Yeah, right. You're hilarious. Real funny. There you go. There's
that.
Now, of course, we all know that there's no better way to liven up a doll party
than with a groucho
nose and glasses. But you're asking yourselves, what about guys like Gene Shalop,
who already look like
this? Shouldn't they be able to wear a disguise, too? Well, these folks have
come up with one of
these. There you go. Now you can... See, if you already look like that, you can
just...
They can have fun, too. Maybe Philadelphia's got the right idea.
Now, you know, sadly enough, young people today sometimes get involved in drug
deals. And when
a lot of money is involved, the atmosphere can get pretty tense. This new gag
instantly turns
the tension into hysterical laughter. It's the squirting bag of dope. Yeah, but
just take that
back down to Times Square. And when you get close, yee-hee.
Yee-hee.
Now, this one's really dumb. Oh, this is my favorite, by the way. It's the
giant, phony doorknob. The
oversized jumbo knob... oversized jumbo knob is much larger than it should be.
In fact, it's
just plain big.
You just put this on your door, see? You yell, "Come on in." It's just plain
big, all right?
It's a giant, giant doorknob. And this is made of pewter, so it won't wear out
as fast
as the other giant doorknobs. See, you'd never go through one of these things
in a light
year. No one offers anyone... Oh, this is exciting. This is really nice. Quite
a little update.
No one offers anyone a can of peanut brittle anymore. Instead, in today's
trendy homes, you'll
be seeing the surprise fondue pot, filled with bubbling cheese and...
The unbelievable mess just adds to the merriment. Now...
This is exciting. Here's an old joke with a modern twist from the folks who
brought you
rubber vomit... the fake chemical waste spill. Here it is. Write that. That's
what you get.
You can put a mortar-turn container canister like this. There you go.
Your victim won't know if he's weak from laughter or chromosome damage. Oh, and
finally, for the
the family wise guy, our last new novelty item, the ultimate last laugh, yes,
it's the whoopee casket.
Playing the part of the deceased is staff member Chris Elliott. Chris, hop in
if you will.
The whoopee casket, ladies and gentlemen.
I think we get the idea. Those are... Are you going to close that now?
There you go. Uh, new novelty items. We'll be back with Graham Chapman from Monty
Python.
You are wild, man. I love your buses. I love your whole... You are just... You
are the mighty,
mighty. The mighty, mighty Bud Melman. Thank you.
Hey, Hiram's not wearing any shoes. Yes, I am. Yes, he is.
Can we get a shot of those bare feet?
Oh, well, let's get on with the show. But first, say hello to Paul and the band.
Oh, well, let's get on with the band.
Each day as I walk to work here at Rockefeller Center, I notice new items being
sold by the city's sidewalk vendors.
Peddlers who phone Lee Hawk pretzels and T-shirts are finding they now must
offer something extraordinary
to attract jaded New Yorkers. We've assembled here just a few of these offbeat
gifts,
which are actually being sold on Manhattan streets, to first item.
This lovely embroidered scarf does double duty. In winter, it keeps you toasty
warm,
and it's summer. It reminds you what foods spoil without refrigeration.
Tuna salad, deviled ham, flan. They're all here. Gosh, we're having fun now.
Here's a perky gift for that depressed pal who's at the end of his rope. This
cute ceramic mug expresses
a daydream. I'd rather be dead. What a wacky item. For big fun at your next
party,
you'll want the hangman's swizzle stick. Black Bart may be a low-down horse
thief,
but it'll be plum-happy to mix your drink. Realistic death throes, amazing disgust,
party boozes.
All righty. There you go. Finally, they're here. Lifelike replicas of internal
organs. Perfect for
recovery room pranks. Leave one of these in a patient's bed, and they'll think
the surgeon forgot
to put something down. Ladies and gentlemen, my son Troy pulled this joke on me
last spring when I had a
stomach operation. I was in stitches. Get it? Stitches. Now, things are getting
silly.
I'm going to work this now. We'll have this going in a minute. I think. Or will
it? Oh, yes.
Glasses. Oh. Glasses. They're not working. Oh. Nope. Sorry, this item is...
Just slip it right on
your head. Like this? Okay. Oh, here we go. What a breakthrough. Lifetime
glasses. These remarkable
glasses let you update length prescriptions yourself as your vision changes.
Never go to the eye doctor
again. Say, I should get a pair of these. No, seriously, I should.
Here's something festive to brighten any kitchen. The sardine kitchen tapestry
depicts the steps
involved in eviscerating sardines from ocean to can. There's no nicer
anniversary gift. Here we see
in stunning, stunning, beheading, gutting. Lining them up, oiling, and cramming
them into little cans.
Isn't this fun? Okay, now here we go. Here's a great gag to play on that state
trooper who pulls you
over for speeding. It's the squirting star registration. He'll be so surprised
he may even go for his gun.
But don't worry. He'll be laughing so hard he won't be able to shoot straight.
Oh, there's only one more. That's too bad. I like playing with these.
In Mexico, it's old knob brandy. Here in the U.S., we call it the giant phony
doorknob, and it's a panic.
The oversized jumbo knob is much larger than it ought to be. It's just plain
big. In fact,
it's way out of proportion. Just yell, come on in and wait for the fireworks.
Talk about a massive
doorknob, it's much more sizable than it need be. So big, in fact, you could
call it a joke.
We'll be right back with Jack and Elaine Lillain.
You know, in the last 12 months, we have presented you, the viewers, with
literally
hundreds of new products introduced by hopeful manufacturers. They all sold
well, but some of
them went right through the roof. Why? They were more like hotcakes than new
products. So fast did they sell.
These now are fixtures in countless American homes. We thought we'd take
another look at them again
tonight. First of all, this item. I have one on my vanity at home in my
dressing room.
At last, bodybuilding meets ear care in an atmosphere of friendship and
understanding.
It's the new Jack LaLanne Q-tip dispenser.
Easy to see why it's a multi-million dollar seller.
Now, this is exciting. Mock airplane windows for big fun on your next
commercial flight.
Just slip one of these over the real window and watch panic everywhere. Passerbys.
We'll see the wing of the plane engulfed in flames. Stewardess is guaranteed to
drop trays. A fun new gag.
Get that right over there. Now, do you remember the good old days when gas
station attendants were
really polite and would fill your tank for five dollars? Well, it can still be
that way when you
turn on the new hypno gas cap. Yes, in five seconds, your gasoline attendant
will be in a trance and
you'll hear things like a dollar for 21 gallons. Why, thank you, sir. And let
me get the inside of that
windshield also, master. The new hypno gas tank.
Now, in Mexico, it's known as El Nob Grande. Here in the United States, we
simply call it the giant
phony doorknob and it's a panic. I'm right here, ladies and gentlemen. This
oversized doorknob
is much larger than it ought to be. In fact, it's just plain big. Simply attach
this to an ordinary
door and then wait for the fireworks. Your friends will flip when they see how
truly big a doorknob can
be. This is the fourth time we've had the giant doorknob on the show. It hasn't
worked any other
time either. The giant doorknob. Well, little Sparky here may have a nasty case
of rabies, but you know,
when you're in a close shave or need one, he's still man's best friend. This,
of course, is the
dog shaving cream dispenser. Oh, my God. Look what I've done to poor old Sparky.
Oh, some sort of terrible surgical procedure here. Oh, my God. I think we may
have to put Sparky to
sleep. What a terrible operation for the little fella to undergo. It's the rabid
dog shaving cream dispenser.
Yeah, we're off and running now, aren't we? From the people who brought you
those cute little corn cob holders,
here's a new way to eat lots and lots of ham. With these whimsical ham grips,
you can polish off an entire canned
ham without the embarrassment of greasy fingers. Just perfect for picnics and
family gatherings.
All right. Next, this is from the engineering geniuses at Sony. It's the Walkman
video disc. It lets
you enjoy a major motion picture release while you're walking to work. The Walkman
video disc.
And, of course, you don't look like a jerk. Now, each of us has been faced with
the nightmare of
trying to select a holiday chocolate without knowing what kind of filling is
inside. Well,
with this miniature core sample drill developed by Exxon, you'll know the exact
composition of each
center in seconds. Don't take chances. The next one you bite into might be
pineapple. Let's see how this
is. There you go. Just like that. There you go. All right. Now, here's an ingenious
device in the
tradition of the back scratcher. It's called the front scratcher. This was
developed by the Marine
Corps for inexperienced recruits. And finally, it's available for civilians.
The front scratcher right there, that is. It's available for civilians now. Now,
it goes without
saying that no one likes to find a pipe bomb in their home. I know I don't. But
you can make that
wait for the bomb squad a little less nerve-wracking with this clever pipe bomb
decorator kit. Yes,
fuzzy felt appliques will turn even the scariest explosive device into an
adorable dachshund puppy. There
he has it. Okay. And I believe we have time for just one more here. Well, this
is the age-old problem. A
pizza mistakenly ordered with toppings that you don't like. Well, the space-age
solution, this high-speed
pizza centrifuge. Just turn on the motor and unwanted anchovies or mushrooms
fly off at twice the speed of
sound. Let's see how it works. Switch on the pizza centrifuge. And in a matter
of moments, there they go.
My, oh, my. What f