Name: Letterman Mark Twain Prize, Combined Versions, Nov. 20, 2017
Uploaded: 2017-11-22T15:00:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Letterman Mark Twain Prize, Combined Versions, Nov. 20, 2017' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Letterman Mark Twain Prize, Combined Versions, Nov. 20, 2017' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-22. Transcript available.

Letterman Mark Twain Prize, Combined Versions, Nov. 20, 2017

Gabe Rennie, from Washington, D.C., and live Hacks from Russia, it's the 20th
Annual Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.
Celebrating David Letterman, with Jimmy Kimmel, Norm MacDonald, Steve Martin,
Sean Mulaney, Bill Murray, Amy Schumer, Paul Schaefer, Senator Al Franken,
Martin Short, Eddie Vedder, Jimmy Walker,
and special appearances by Fred Armisen and Bill Hayner.
And now, two men who rarely stay up this late, Steve Martin and Martin Short.
Hello, I'm Martin.
And I'm Steve Martin.
And we're so excited.
Being here tonight is a great honor for me.
Steve.
Not only because it's a room full of peers.
Steve, I'm also here.
But it's also a theater I have a great affection for.
Steve, you tell me if you were having a stroke, wouldn't you?
Oh, hi.
It's you.
Well, we are so excited to be here for the Mark Twain Prize, celebrating a man
we all know and tolerate, David Letterman.
You know, Marty, when the show started, I didn't really realize it was a
celebration for David Letterman because of the applause.
And on a sober note, because they didn't send champagne, it says a lot about
America when people of different white backgrounds can gather together like
this.
You know, Marty, when I heard that Dave was getting the Mark Twain Prize, I
wanted to leap into the air.
Yes.
Dave, you deserve this award, not just because you campaigned the hardest to
get it, but you've been on TV for over three decades.
Yes, but so has the Chia Pet.
And Dave, when you finally do retire, please go gracefully into the night.
Don't be like Norman Lear and show up at events for another 40 years wearing a
little hat.
I'll tell you something, Marty.
Dave has always had spot-on comedic instincts.
Absolutely.
What better time than right now to insist on looking like a Confederate war
general?
Thank you.
Here's what I don't get.
Dave looks like that, but Steve's the one who plays the banjo.
Sure, others have received the Mark Twain Prize, but Dave's the first one to
travel here by boxcar.
And you know, Marty, I've got to say, there are very few people I truly admire.
And?
Nothing.
But most people only see Dave on TV, but they don't see his sweet side.
No, they don't.
Like last Christmas when he came over dressed as Santa for a children's party
at my house.
Ah, that is so nice.
The kids must have loved it.
Not really.
Instead of toys, he handed out ironic detachment.
Hang on, Marty.
I just want to check something.
Dave, do you know where you are?
Dave Letterman, what a legend.
Not everyone can say they were the number one late-night host for two years in
the early 90s.
And of course, just like so many careers, Dave's ratings started to slip toward
the end, coinciding exactly with the first time the audience saw him in high
death.
You know, Steve, one of Dave's most popular segments was stupid pet tricks.
How does a man sit on a piano?
I think it's...
This can't be good.
But how's that?
No?
Kellyanne?
No, I don't think so.
I think I need to get down.
Please, let me help you.
Yeah.
Okay, here we go.
Whoa!
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Whoa!
Holy cow.
Here, let me give you a hand.
Thank you.
Yes, Stupid Pet Tricks was a signature comedy bit for all of Dave's years as a
host.
But as you see, the pets were anything but stupid.
Stupid Pet Tricks tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
And if you've seen the program before, you understand what this is.
Actual pet owners from all over the United States who have been nice enough to
bring their little pet,
whether it's a parakeet, whether it's a goldfish, whether it's a kitty, whether
it's a dog, whether it's a monkey,
whether it's an owl, whether it's a goat, whether it's a horse, whether it's a
turkey, whatever it is.
The animals and the owners have worked out some little interesting trick or
kind of activity,
and they're here tonight to do it for you.
This is only an exhibition.
This is not a competition.
So as always, please, no wagering.
Our first participant tonight is Mr. John Vincent.
Mr. Vincent, where are you, sir?
Okay, here we go.
What are you going to do, John?
Pork chop will do a 360 slam dunk.
If all works well.
A 360 slam dunk.
Okay, so Bacon takes pork chop to the basket.
He's watching his waist.
Here we go.
You got it.
360.
Pork chop.
All the way.
All the way.
Pork chop.
Pork chop.
All the way.
All the way.
Yes!
Thank you, John.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Here we go.
Pork chop and bacon.
John Vincent from Denver, Colorado.
Nice to see you, John.
Thank you for having me here.
Well, look at this.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
How are you?
How do you do?
Welcome to the program.
Where are you folks from?
This is Indianapolis.
Is that what it is?
It's my hometown.
You know, I'm from Indianapolis.
Do me a favor.
Drive by Mom's place and just take a look, all right?
Okay.
Keep an eye on things out there because, you know, she's getting a little loopy.
And what are you folks and Lightning going to do here this evening?
We're going to do the electric slide.
We're going to do the electric slide.
Seven, eight.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you very much.
Good to see you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Lester.
Thank you, Lightning.
Good.
Good boy.
Nice job.
Let's take a look at it in slow motion, instant replay.
All the way from Indianapolis, a dancing horse.
Man, look at that.
Thanks again, folks.
Bye-bye.
And this is Bailey.
Yes.
Bailey is a beagle.
Now, Bailey, you like Bailey?
How long have you had Bailey?
Three years.
Are they good dogs?
I've heard that they kind of have a rotten disposition a little bit.
They can be a little snarky, you know, a little grumbly.
Is that true or not?
They have a mind of their own.
Mind of their own, yeah.
But they're good dogs.
And what are you guys going to do?
She is going to play dead.
Play dead.
And then come alive, it says here.
Yes.
Play dead and come alive?
Okay.
Yes.
Play dead.
That was good.
Play dead.
That was good.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
There you go.
Oh, buddy.
I lied.
He's fine.
Okay.
That was great.
Thank you very much, Bailey.
Thank you very much, Mike.
Let's take one more look here in the slow motion.
Here's Bailey playing dead.
And hit the switch.
Clunk.
Good night, everybody.
It's Mike Bauer and Bailey.
Thank you very much, Mike.
Nice meeting you.
Great job.
Thank you.
Please welcome America's number one vegetable rights activist, Jimmy Kimmel.
Well, hello there.
David Letterman signed off the air at 1.35 a.m. on May 21st, 2015.
And since that night, the world has gone to complete and utter...
Are we allowed to say shit on PBS?
Sorry, Harry.
We are here tonight to pay tribute to David Letterman and to give Alan Coulter
something
to do.
When Dave left 17 long months ago, we had no idea how much trouble we were in.
I look what's going on now, and I think, this is your fault.
All of it.
Everything was fine until you went off the air.
You abandoned us.
You went out for a pack of cigarettes and left us to live with an abusive
orange stepfather.
He did this.
I've spoken many times about how much David Letterman means to me as a comedian,
as a
talk show host, as a fan, as a daughter, as a lover, etc.
We know he's funny, probably the funniest and inventive, too.
He threw melons from a building.
He crushed toasters with steam rollers.
He did so many ridiculous things in the middle of the night, and it made a huge
impression.
Every talk show that's on the air now, either directly or indirectly, learned
to do what
we all still do from Dave.
No one from his generation influenced American comedy more.
But he also, when it was time to be serious, showed us how to do that, too.
I don't think anyone who saw it will ever forget Dave's first show back after 9-11.
He opened the show sitting at his desk with no theme song.
He just sat there and spoke to us about what happened, about how sad he was,
how angry he
was, he paid tribute to police officers, to firefighters, he called the mayor,
Rudy Giuliani, the personification
of courage, which, okay, we all make mistakes.
And then, when he was done, he brought Regis out, and we knew that it was okay
to keep going,
and that it was okay to start laughing again.
It was exactly what we needed, and it had a profound healing effect on our
country.
You led the way for all of us with your humor, and intelligence, and empathy,
and even if
it may have taken a quintuple bypass surgery, heart.
And nowadays, especially since November, when we kicked the, opened the portal
to hell, you, you
hear, really nothing to clap about, honestly, but a few days after Dave's last
show, a large
box was delivered to my office, addressed from the late show, as a gift, and I
hope you don't
mind me sharing this with people, but I thought it was very thoughtful, and it
meant a lot to
me.
My gift from Dave was a box filled with all his neckties.
I think he sent me every tie he ever wore on the show, hundreds of them, and I
thought
this was very cool.
I went through them, and when you turn, I'm wearing one tonight, when you turn
them over,
there's a label, I guess a special label he had sewn in the back of every tie,
that says
the Donald J. Trump signature collection.
So, you're all class, Dave.
Thank you.
I don't know who the other nominees for this Mark Twain prize are, but I really
hope you
win it tonight.
I mean, it's -- whereas -- Mark Twain-ing as they come and you have the crazy
facial hair
to prove it.
For every comedian of Dave's era, the goal was an invitation to appear on The
Tonight Show
with Johnny Carson.
This is perhaps what you're about to see, the most important moment of Dave's
career.
If this hadn't happened, we'd all be at home asleep right now.
So, please watch.
This is Dave's first ever spot with Johnny.
I had to hitchhike over here this evening, and this guy stops and picks me up.
He's driving an old beat-up Dodge with a bent frame.
You know, they kind of go down the freeway at an angle like that.
The windshield on the right-hand side of the car is missing.
It's just gone, busted out.
And the back seat is on fire.
Well, right away, I'm apprehensive about getting in, you know.
And the guy driving the car is wearing a cowboy hat and a hospital gown, see,
so.
And he's rolling, the thing that bothers me most of all about him, he's rolling
the biggest
joint I'd ever seen in my entire life.
He was using Pampers and, uh, I used to, uh, I used to work for the Eyewitness
News station, uh, back in Indiana, where I lived, and, uh, thank you, folks
hoping to
win a prize for that, I'll bet, huh?
Uh, so, and, uh, the, the concept of Eyewitness News, you know, make it as
funny as you possibly
can.
So, one day, there were three murders in the city, and the news director didn't
think
it would be real amusing to have the Anchorman report all three of these
murders back-to-back,
so they gave one to the sportscaster to do, see?
And, the guy is reading baseball scores at the time.
Well, first in the National League, it was the Mets over the Braves, 3-2.
Reds got past the cards, 5-4, and the Dodgers murdered the Giants, 9-0.
Speaking of murders, looks like 45-year-old Eddie Poster won't be going out to
the old ballpark
anymore.
No, Eddie was gunned down last night during a liquor store holdup.
Once again, that final score, liquor store won, Eddie nothing.
I know you're from Indiana, do you work in local radio and television in the
Midwest?
Yeah, I did.
I did, I'm from Indiana, and I guess we've got folks from South Bend here,
right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's beautiful there.
What a town.
Yeah, I used to work in ... You know, the one thing I'll never ... Well, this
happens to
everybody, but the kind of thing I'll always remember as long as I've grown up
in Indiana,
is when Dad used to tease me with the power tools.
How many of you ... Did you have a ... What a guy.
What a guy.
Sense of humor.
Yeah.
I'll never ... Yeah, he ... Chase you around the house with a belt sander.
Yeah.
Get your attention real quick.
Yeah.
I could always go back to local broadcasting.
Yeah?
I did a lot of that.
I ... Newscaster?
We used