Name: Safety Day on Letterman, September 28, 1982
Uploaded: 2017-11-23T03:56:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Safety Day on Letterman, September 28, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Safety Day on Letterman, September 28, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-23. Transcript available.

Good night. Drive safely.
Thank you.
No, no.
You know, I can't leave because we have important work to do here tonight.
On this program, nowhere else in North America, tonight is Safety Day.
I actually heard someone gasp. It's unbelievable.
In addition to it being Safety Day here, we have a television legend,
game show hostess and prize pointer, Carol Merrill is here tonight.
The comedy team of Franken and Davis also here.
And Mr. Jeff Greenfield, television critic, is going to talk about the new
season as it is shaping up.
But again, back to the matter at hand. It's Safety Day, Americans.
Oh, we didn't introduce Paul. Say hello to Paul, if you will. This is Paul.
David, I'm excited. I'm excited today. It's Safety Day, everybody.
See, Paul's excited. We should all be excited because tonight, as we celebrate
Safety Day,
I'm proud to announce a new public service of this very program.
Starting next week, the late-night safety trailer will be making the rounds of
the nation's shopping centers and schoolyards,
hosted by Stuart, the safety salmon, pictured here.
Yes, this Rolling Ambassador of Goodwill presents up-to-date safety devices and
exciting lectures on such subjects as the extension cord and pool horseplay.
Now, let's go up here and take a preview look at some sampled exhibits that you'll
find in the late-night safety trailer.
It's Safety Day here on late-night. Paul, Will, Steve, of course, Hiram.
Here we are. These are official late-night safety trailer safety exhibits.
You know, for years now, parents have worried about their kids pulling plastic
bags over their heads.
Now, they can rest easy knowing the youngsters have been fitted with a plywood
bag barrier like this.
Here it is. Yes, the plywood...
Let me help you through there. There you go.
Yes, not only does it stop plastic bags cold, but it keeps roving preschoolers
from tumbling into open manholes.
Yes, this is the bag barrier. Thank you very much, Sarah. Thanks for helping us
out.
Now, you know, sometimes small children pull buttons off their clothing and,
unfortunately, swallow them.
So, to protect toddlers from such tiny menaces, scientists have developed a new
type of children's wear.
And, Mom, please note these jumbo buttons also deflect BBs.
So, see, this is a bigger button than you would normally need.
This button is way too...
See, this button is just plain big, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, let's go over here, shall we?
Medical science has finally developed a quick, easy way to screen potential
dates...
Potential dates, yes, from communicable diseases.
This is the share-a-soda specimen analyzer.
Actually, a miniature medical lab.
It immediately detects harmful bacteria in the straw runoff.
Here's how you and your date would be drinking in a bar and you just have a sip
and then it'll light up there and show you what it is.
Did it light up?
See, put this button back here...
Oh, wait a minute.
Of course, the sound effects work perfectly.
There, did you see it?
There, you see?
I don't think that would really hurt the joke, do you?
Now, where am I?
Not that it really matters.
Oh, right here.
You know, safety statistics show that 98% of all accidents occur within 25
miles of home.
Here, relaxing in his Dayton, Ohio living room, we see the very happy and very
secure safety pioneer J.J. Flayton.
He has outsmarted statistical data by setting up a phony legal residence at a
post office box in Jakarta, Indonesia.
Now, you know, this is a problem.
When lead-based interior wall paint begins to peel, it offers a lethal treat to
curious and snack-hungry infants.
That's why this special...
This special non-toxic paint compound has been invented.
It's the first caramel-based house paint.
And it's not only non-poisonous...
It's also tasty.
It's not only, Calvert.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's way too big.
Just never need a button that big.
You know, everyone knows roaches and rats carry germs.
But how many folks are aware of the danger of the number one disease spreader?
Unsanitary swigs and sips.
That's why no home should be without an antibacterial bottle fogger.
This is refreshing.
Want a sip or a swig?
Why, sure.
I'd love to have a sip or a swig now that we have the proper disinfectant
equipment.
Gentlemen, sir, could you step in here, please?
Well, you know, parents who want to make sure the little ones are protected
even while they sleep,
now engineers have designed a pair of pajamas that are highly fire-retardant.
And the reason is quite simple.
They're always damp.
Yes, sponge-like material retains moisture, allowing your water-logged
youngsters to sleep
securely with only occasional re-sprayings.
There you go.
You all set for bed, son?
Yes, sir, Mr. Letterman.
Okay.
How's that cough?
Well, you know, now there are times...
Oh, wait a minute.
Here we go.
The subject of safety leads inevitably to the subject of anatomy.
For example, the mandible, this joint down in here, is the most delicate and
most difficult
to repair of all the bones in the human body.
There are many ways to avoid injury to this part of the body.
For example...
Hey, get out of the way, you big baboon.
Don't go looking for a punch in the mouth.
Now, there are times when a punch in the mouth becomes unavoidable,
and that's why you'll want to wear this new safety device...
I still think you're a big baboon.
...this new safety device right there.
Why you...
What the hell happened?
Did the tube come out?
Okay, this will work perfectly.
Don't you worry about it.
Where does it...
Can I hook this up, or does it need a skilled technician?
Well, I think it's too late for that, isn't it?
See, what would happen...
I'll just describe this.
It'll work perfectly.
This tube here is full of air.
Give me a shot of air there.
There you go.
And we had a little balloon here, and it was going to...
Well, maybe we can try it.
Why don't you just try it again?
Let's go ahead.
Are there any of these you'd like to see again before he comes...
Try on the pajamas!
Okay, let's just...
We have a wonderful show for you here tonight on Safety Day,
and there's the technicians working skillfully backstage, and...
Thank you, Paul.
You know, I think one of the most important parts of being an American
is being a safety-conscious American,
and that's why we here at Late Night have put together what we like to call
Safety Day.
So we did.
Did you have a nice weekend, Paul?
Yes, sir.
Where was that son of a bitch when I needed him?
Okay, here we go.
Now there are times when a punch in the mouth becomes unavoidable.
That's why you'll want to wear this brand-new safety...
brand-new foolproof safety device.
I still think you're a big baboo.
Why, you, I oughta...
Yes, it's the punch-in-the-mouth airbag.
Someday it may be an FTC requirement.
Thank you very much.
We'll be right back with Carol Merrill.
Thank you, Steve.
Thank you, Steve.
Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Welcome back to the festivities here on Safety Day.
Later in this half hour, the comedy team of Franken and Davis and also TV
critic Jeff Greenfield.
A program reminder, as they say when they want to remind you, about a program
Friday night.
On this very program, we will have the bar mitzvah reception of one Barry Weill.
This should be mighty interesting, ladies and gentlemen.
A young Barry and his family asked if they could have their bar mitzvah
reception right back there where Safety Day took place earlier.
And that will be Friday night, so you make a point of looking at that.
It should be interesting.
And now, to continue with the festivities here on Safety Day, here is Paul Schaefer
and the late-night band with their special number, Hats Off to Safety.
Paul?
Dave, I talked to the guys in the band, and we decided that...
Well, we couldn't get off on this safety stuff.
We don't think it's cool to think about safety, isn't that?
Don't you think?
And, you know, we're musicians.
We do our own thing.
We live on the edge, you know what I mean?
We walk on the wild side.
After all, we are the world's most dangerous band.
And that is why I'm glad to, at this moment, do our version of the Lou Reed
classic, Born to be Wild.
Here we go.
Just a second before you play.
Just a minute.
I'd like to say something.
I know you like to live on the edge, but don't you think you might just be
going over the edge, Paul?
Just a little too far over the edge?
Dave, what are you talking about?
I'm talking about this.
Look at this.
This overloaded electrical outlet.
This is dangerous.
Dave, give us a break.
If we're going to plug our amps into another outlet, you know, we would have to
walk a couple of extra feet.
An extra few feet that could mean a few lives.
Hmm, a few feet, a few lives.
Anything else?
Well, I'll tell you something.
If your drummer Steve Jordan has got to smoke, Honest to Pete, you should get
rid of this box of oily rags, this discarded box.
Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
All right, I can't fight you on that one, Dave.
But there's nothing wrong with Hiram Bullock, is there?
Hiram?
Let's see.
Hiram?
Now, wait a minute.
He's not wearing any shoes.
And even worse, he's standing in a tub of salt water playing an electric guitar.
Do you want to see this man electrocuted?
Gee, I...
I didn't even notice.
Well, I guess you've made us all look pretty silly tonight, Dave.
And I don't know how to thank you.
Would you like...
Will, would you like one of these egg salad sandwiches that Will Lee made?
We were going to eat them after the show, but if you'd like one now, Will made
them last week, and they're really wonderful.
Last week?
Don't you know that egg salad needs proper refrigeration?
Had you eaten these, you would have been victim to America's number one silent
killer.
Spoiled mayonnaise!
Dave, you saved our lives.
All I can say is, we're safe.
And we're sorry.
So on behalf of the entire band, I hope you accept our apologies.
Well, I hope these hazards haven't put a damper on our safety day festivities.
And if it weren't for my next guest, it weren't for my next two guests, there
would be no Coneheads and no Al Franken-Decade.
Writers and performers on the original Saturday Night Live, I'm supposed to be
over there, aren't I?
Oh, my...
Hey, nice working with you, really.
Oh, I see how this is supposed to work.
You know, if it weren't for my next two guests, there would be no Coneheads and
no Al Franken-Decade.
Writers and performers on the original Saturday Night Live, they are now
performing together on the college campuses across America in clubs and working
on movie projects.
Welcome, please, and not a minute too soon, Al Franken and Tom Davis.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I'd like to thank my guests tonight, of course, Carol Merrill, Al Franken and
Tom Davis.
Mr. Jeff Greenfield, please come back and we'll do the other shows that you
missed tonight, sir, if you will.
And, of course, our announcer, Bill Wendell, and our studio audience for
helping me celebrate Safety Day.
And now, here's a much-improved Paul Schaefer in the world's most safety-conscious
band.
Thank you, David.
Thank you.
Where am I supposed to look?
You know, this whole safety thing has really made an impact on all of us in the
band, and I think I can honestly say I've learned some valuable lessons.
But if I could be dangerous just one more time, I'd like to do a little song
about what safety means to me.
It goes something like this.
Hey, this is a band that's now aware that being careful ain't so square.
Hiram's electric guitar won't blow a fuse now that he's wearing heavily insulated
safety shoes.
And where there's a will, that's Will Lee, there's going to be a way to keep
his work area hazard-free each and every day, yeah.
Hey, how about Steve Jordan?
He puts those chicks in the mood by carefully inspecting the date of expiration
on all his packaged food.
You're looking at a guy, a safer, but wiser cat who calls him up to shave.
And from the band, we'd like to say...
What?