Name: Spy Magazine: How to Be Famous, April 18, 1990
Uploaded: 2017-12-06T01:49:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spy Magazine: How to Be Famous, April 18, 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spy Magazine: How to Be Famous, April 18, 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-06. Transcript available.

Spy Magazine: How to Be Famous, April 18, 1990

Watch for an all-new Quantum Leap two weeks from tonight.
Now stay tuned for a Spy Magazine special, only on NBC.
The End
Hello, my name's Jerry Seinfeld.
I'm sort of famous.
If I weren't, you probably wouldn't be watching me right now.
It's that simple.
Or is it?
To normal, non-famous people, civilians, the world of fame may appear to be a
seamless,
super-glamorous kaleidoscope of magazine covers, movie premieres, parties,
having sex in airplanes,
and of course, punching out photographers.
But when you stop and take a closer look, as we will tonight here at the
offices of Spy Magazine,
fame turns out to be a very complex affair.
Beginning today.
Take the President of the United States.
He's very famous.
Billy Joel is famous too.
But there's a difference.
George Bush gets to lead the Western world.
While Billy Joel gets to have children with a beautiful fashion model.
Which is the better fame?
Let's examine the evidence.
Billy Joel has never, thank God, run for political office.
George Bush, however, is allowed to strap on a guitar and rock out in his own
special way
in front of hundreds of screaming young Republicans.
After years of intensive research and experimentation, Spy Magazine has learned
a lot about fame.
The discipline is called celebrity science.
And while it won't necessarily save the world, it certainly helps explain the
confusing, often embarrassing, times we live in.
Tonight, we're going to reveal the rules that real life celebrities follow in
order to become famous and to stay famous.
You'll see actual shocking footage of famous people caught in the act of being
famous.
Plus, we'll have special reports from our science correspondent, Victoria
Jackson, in the Celebrity Lab.
Thanks, Jerry.
Tonight, you'll witness actual scientific experiments involving real
celebrities.
Super glamorous celebrities like Ricardo Montalban and the Smothers Brothers.
I'd watch that.
We'll also hear the results of a nationwide celebrity poll from poll
correspondent Harry Sheeran.
The Spy Celebrity Poll.
It's a real, rigorously conducted survey of America's attitudes about famous
people.
For instance, who are America's least favorite celebrities?
We'll find out tonight.
Thank you, Harry.
Just about everything you will see tonight is real.
Tough, hard-hitting video journalism about a fascinating, glamorous, and
ultimately inconsequential subject,
famous people.
So let's get right to it.
America, as you may know, is a big country with room for many different kinds
of celebrities.
America is so big, you can be famous in one part of the country and be
completely unknown somewhere else.
It seems that nearly every resident of New York City is a fan of spookery, raucous
nightclub singer Buster Poindexter.
I like Buster because he's a chameleon, because he can be so many different
things.
Because he looks like Mac the Night.
He gives you a little of this, he gives you a little of this, forget about it,
what a show.
But meanwhile, 2,000 miles away...
Who the hell is Buster Poindexter?
So who is famous in Las Vegas?
Apparently, it's good-looking country music entertainer of the year, George Strait.
I like George Strait because he is so good-looking.
I tell you, it just doesn't get much better than that.
The lyrics to the song kind of hits home.
Sometimes in the world of fame, it's not as much who you are, but where you are.
Why do I like George Strait?
You're coming at me from the left wing.
I don't know George Strait.
But no matter where you are, the famous are different than you and me.
Or different than you, anyway.
Why, for instance, are celebrities so shockingly tan compared to normal people?
Lonnie Anderson, tan.
Elizabeth Taylor, tanner.
Dick Van Patten, tanner still.
George Hamilton, tannest of all.
Andy Warhol.
Hmm.
Another celebrity mystery.
Why do celebrities make no effort to be well-behaved when cameras are around?
It's just...
We don't like to do those kind of jokes.
Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
And why do famous people speak in an entirely different language than the rest
of America?
Full of excitement and enthusiasm about the work of acting
and what it was like to work on a part and investigating a part
and finding how I could marry myself with the character
and just working on a part.
What is it about celebrityhood that lures some Americans
into patterning their lives after those of famous people?
Take this man.
He told us he gets personal satisfaction
from his alleged resemblance to a certain celebrity.
Which one?
That's right.
Robin Williams.
Three ordinary women.
One mutual desire.
To be just like Cher.
I've gotten a taste of what it's like to be a superstar,
and I think it's very difficult.
More difficult than people realize.
People following me down the street,
they come asking for my autograph,
and they...
I say, well, I'm not really Cher.
They say, yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
Like at one party, someone wanted, um...
That's a more racial.
When the moon hits your eye like a big piece of pie,
that's from war, eh?
So...
What is that special fame getting something?
Call it the X-Factor.
That separates Meryl Streep and, say,
Hervé Villachez from you and your next-door neighbors.
We decided to take a closer look
at this mysterious celebrity X-Factor.
Can it be isolated like a virus?
How does it work on normal people?
And what does it make them do?
Let's go to Victoria at the Celebrity Laboratory
and get some answers scientifically.
Jerry, the experiment you're about to see
was designed to examine the behavior of normal people
suddenly and unexpectedly put in close proximity
with a real-life celebrity.
In this case, the legendary Ricardo Montalban.
First, Spy created a completely neutral environment,
a windowless white room without any distractions
such as chairs or benches.
Then we placed a surveillance camera overhead
to provide video coverage of the entire room.
Naturally, we took great care to conceal the camera
so that the civilian's behavior
would be completely spontaneous.
With the environment prepared
and the camera in position,
a technician explained the experiment.
Ricardo Montalban was told
that his only duty in the experiment
was to enter the room
and stand in a specially marked box.
Prime directive is to stay in that box
no matter what happens.
Here, it's going to be filled with about 20 to 30...
Mr. Montalban was led through a dry run
and shown his spot.
Right up there.
Oh, yes.
They can't see it.
That'll shoot down and cover the whole room.
All right.
And right here is your spot.
That's my spot.
All right.
That's your box.
You feel rather important here.
Yeah.
Well, you should.
The test subjects arrived.
These 26 normal people
were recruited from a theme park tour
and told only that they were going
to the taping of a television show.
They had no idea
that they were about to be put
in close proximity
with Ricardo Montalban.
We told them that they had to wait
in a holding room
before they could go in
and watch the TV show.
The experiment commenced.
All right, Mr. Montalban,
are you ready?
I am ready.
Okay.
Proceed right out into the room.
We're speeding up this footage
in order to better observe
the celebrity-induced migration patterns.
Look, there's Ricardo Montalban
entering and going to his box.
See how the normal people
instantly recognize him
as a celebrity.
Spontaneously,
they form a tight semicircle.
What are you doing here?
Note, however,
that they refrain
from making physical contact
while Mr. Montalban regales them
with a light anecdote
about the making of Fantasy Island.
In order to test
the celebrity's command
of the environment,
we now introduce
a control element.
Free coffee and donuts
on the opposite side
of the room.
Yum!
Yes, ma'am.
Note how the tight semicircle
breaks down
as some people choose
to satisfy their basic needs
for nourishment,
even though it means
sacrificing their proximity
to an actual celebrity.
However, most people
who leave to get food
then return to watch.
This basic human behavior
may be responsible
for the success
of concession stands
in movies.
One gets food
and then eats it
while looking at
a famous person.
Finally,
after eight minutes,
the technician leads
Mr. Montalban
out of the room.
Well, you've been very charming.
Normal people drift
about aimlessly.
One normal person
darts into Montalban's box,
a truly stunning display
of hubris.
But the rest of the people,
still in awe,
stay away,
realizing that in some sense
Montalban's box
is sacred ground.
There you have it,
the Celebrity X Factor
in action.
Final analysis,
famous people
definitely hold
an unusual fascination
for normal people.
But then,
so do glazed donuts.
Jerry?
Fascinating.
We'll have more
celebrity science experiments
coming up,
so if you want to learn
how to be famous
as famous as
Ricardo Montalban,
I strongly suggest
you don't go away.
Did you know
that some 10 million Americans
would sacrifice
a limb
just to win an Oscar?
In order to more precisely
understand how fame works,
Spy commissioned a survey
of randomly selected Americans.
We asked them
about their attitudes
towards celebrity.
Here's Spy Magazine
contributing editor
Harry Shearer
with the Spy Celebrity Poll.
Harry?
Thanks, Jerry.
To conduct the poll,
Spy turned to the
respected New York
polling firm
of Penn & Schoen.
Now, this is a firm
whose clients
include such luminaries
as Senator Edward Kennedy,
New York Mayor
David Dinkins,
corporate clients
like Procter & Gamble.
Doug Schoen
is president of Penn & Schoen,
and he's with us today
to explain a little bit
about the Spy Celebrity Poll,
the completely authentic
Spy Celebrity Poll.
Doug, tell us
a little bit about it.
Well, Harry,
we interviewed
a truly representative sample
of 450 American
and we then
weighted our data
so that the people
we interview
reflected the demographics
of the country as a whole.
You know,
one thing people
always wonder, though,
is how can 450 people
represent a country
of 250 million?
Well, it's all in the way
you pick your sample.
We give every American
a theoretically equal chance
of being interviewed,
and by doing that,
the people we interviewed
are actually representative
of the population
as a whole.
Thanks, Doug.
Let's get right to the poll.
Who are America's
favorite celebrities?
Well, the top three,
according to the Spy Poll,
are Mel Gibson,
Tom Selleck,
and Bob Hope,
in that order.
All right, fine,
but who are America's
least favorite celebrities?
The top three in order
are Woody Allen,
Jane Fonda,
and Pee Wee Herman.
Well, what does this mean?
Let's take a closer,
more intimate look.
Madonna is America's
10th most disliked celebrity,
tied with Roseanne Barr.
But 35% of the men
said that they would
have sex with Madonna
if she asked them to.
According to our tabulations,
by the way,
the region in which
the fewest number of men
want to sleep with Madonna
was the West Coast,
coincidentally the region
where Madonna lives.
Now, Tom Cruise,
on the other hand,
is one of America's
favorite celebrities,
number 13, in fact.
But only 17% of American women
would have sex with Tom Cruise
if he asked them.
Okay, from this data,
it seems possible to infer
that American men
are generally more likely
than American women
to sleep with people
they don't like.
Jerry?
Fascinating.
But sex always is.
What we're trying to understand here
is how exactly
does one become a celebrity?
Are there actual rules
that all celebrities must obey?
Yes.
How many?
Six.
What are they?
Rule number one.
Have talent.
Talent is the ability
to do something interesting
and to do it so well
that millions of people
will pay money
to watch you do it
even if you've been doing it
for 25 years
or for nearly 400.
Oh, that this too,
too solid flesh
would melt.
And yet, every year,
hundreds of people
with no real ability
of any kind
become famous too
by doing the same thing
over and over and over
just like talented people.
The thing to remember is
you can have all the talent
in the world
but talent alone
won't get you
to Carnegie Hall.
So that's rule 