Name: Christmas Special on Letterman, July 9, 1982
Uploaded: 2017-12-07T02:10:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas Special on Letterman, July 9, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas Special on Letterman, July 9, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-07. Transcript available.

Christmas Special on Letterman, July 9, 1982

I'm Larry Bud Melman, Paws, President of Melman Productions, and also Melman
Bus Lines.
Like most Americans, most of the year I'm only interested in buses, bus
schedules, and
bus maintenance.
But as we celebrate this holiday season, shouldn't we take time out to reflect
on the things other
than buses that we should be thankful for?
We live in a nation blessed with good roads, clean highway rest stops, and many
underpasses
with generous 14-foot clearances, not to mention bus terminals where you can
have four pictures
taken for under a dollar, laminate something in plastic, or just relax and make
a special
friend.
Yes, there is so much to be grateful for this year.
So why not really celebrate and take the whole family out for a real old-fashioned
Christmas
bus ride?
I think they deserve it.
I think they deserve it.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
From New York, a city that's looking a little more like Christmas, it's Late
Night with David Letterman.
Tonight, Christmas carols sung by New York's guardian angels.
From SCTV, Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas, comedian George Miller, and NBC Today
Show host Jane Pauling.
Also, Larry Bud Melman reading The Night Before Christmas, a look at Christmas
around the world, and a peak of the holiday spirit in New York.
And now, a man who thinks Christmas comes but twice a year, David Letterman!
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is David Letterman.
Here in New York City, 90 degrees, 86% relative humidity.
Christmas is in the air, isn't it?
Let me just explain to you what we're up against here tonight.
Ever since I was a small boy, it has been a dream of mine to have the first
network Christmas special of the season.
When I was about 10 or 11, I said to my mom, "One day, Mom, I'm gonna beat Andy
Williams."
And so, tonight, we bring you the first Christmas network television show of
the 1982 season, and by gosh, we're proud of it.
And what a wonderful show we've assembled for you folks tonight.
Uh, Andy Williams is not here.
Uh, am I finished with that card?
Oh, I'm not. What else do I have to...
Lauren Green is not here, neither is Juliet Prowse.
Okay.
I'm not sure...
I'm not sure why those names were on the card, just perhaps left over from
another show.
Uh, on this program tonight, from Second City Television, which is normally
seen in this time spot,
uh, they're on vacation tonight so we could have our Christmas extravaganza,
Rick Moranis, and Dave Thomas will be joining us.
From NBC's "Today" show, and a woman who is accustomed to working on holidays
because of her duties on that program,
Jane Pauley is here tonight.
A good friend of mine, and a comedian, and a guy who has never worked a day in
his life, holidays or not, George Miller is here.
This is exciting. Did you tell them about this earlier?
Oh, boy. To sing a medley of your favorite holiday songs,
The Guardian Angels, ladies and gentlemen, are here.
Ah, Roy, we're not even close to being done here.
We're also going to take a look at New York City.
Boy, it really comes to life this time of year with all the lovely shop
decorations and activities down on the streets of New York, New York,
and a special holiday reading, Christmas greeting from Larry Bud Melman, the
man who produces this show.
And have we introduced Mr. Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen?
Please say hello now.
Thank you. You know, I've got a lot of pensive around Christmas time, but I
love it.
It's a wonderful season. Merry Christmas, David.
Thank you very much.
Have a nice show.
Same to you. You know, uh, it's festive in here, isn't it?
Isn't it? Isn't it nice?
It's festive. It's darn festive.
Now it's even more festive.
In the past few weeks, we've all been bombarded with Christmas decorations, Yuletide
carols, and the usual crowds of holiday shoppers.
But in other parts of the world, Christmas has an entirely different flavor.
Of course, every nation celebrates Christmas, but each country seems to
contribute its own distinctive style to the holiday.
So, in the spirit of friendship and understanding, we thought tonight we would
take a look at Christmas around the world.
Walk this way, won't you?
Christmas around the world. Let's go inside, shall we?
Oh, it is festive in here also. May I have the cards, please?
Thank you very much.
Our first Christmas around the world exhibit comes to us from Finland.
Now in Finland, children leave their shoes outside the door on Christmas Eve,
right there, to find them filled with nuts and raisins on Christmas morning.
Now in the afternoon, the thoroughly disgusted kids hitchhike to nearby Sweden,
where Christmas is celebrated with drunken looting of stores and nude dancing.
Hello, Santa.
Hello, Santa.
This is the display of Christmas in the Azores.
Now in the Azores, it's traditional for Santa Claus, not to bathe for an entire
year.
Then on Christmas morning, delighted children select bits of food and other
treats that have accumulated as Santa's beard from the previous 12 months.
Some lovely things there. Oh, my.
Oh, now this next display comes to us from the celebration of the holiday in
New Guinea.
Each year, the native children of a primitive tribe of New Guinea plan a
wonderful surprise for Santa, as he arrives with his bag full of toys and then
you can...
Oh, well, let's just move on, shall we?
Now this is a country that I've always been curious about: Saudi Arabia.
In Saudi Arabia, the newspapers there print pictures of the country's 20 neediest
people...
I'm sorry, the 20 neediest people at Christmas time.
Now here we see Sheik Abu Ben Asmiad, who only owns two BMWs and not a single
Cadillac.
He's the neediest person in Saudi Arabia.
Of course, south of the border.
Children with sticks try to break open a gaily-colored pinata right here to
release the goodies inside.
It's often a donkey or a rooster.
Let's see what we have here.
This is just a little, uh, just a little happy guy there.
Let me...
Let's see what we've got inside.
Oh, look, it's some little candy intestines.
Appears to be a liver.
And I think we have some sort of a...
The pancreas or...
A little closer to home, this is how they celebrate Christmas in Darien,
Connecticut.
This will be the Watson family.
For the Watson family of Darien, Connecticut, Christmas activity begins on
December 1st.
When Stephen, pictured here, maliciously opens every window on the advent
calendar, ruining it for the rest of the family.
Stephen's doing there.
With that attitude, Mom thinks maybe they should just cancel the traditional
activities they had planned, such as singing carols by the piano, which really
upset Cindy because she really wanted to sing.
Cindy upset there.
And now, uh, meanwhile, Stephen wants to know why Cindy got more presents than
he did.
Dad answers that he likes Cindy a lot more and plans to send Stephen to a
foster home.
Now that works.
Christmas around the world.
Why, here we have the Australian display.
We might have trouble recognizing Christmas in Australia, but it's not so very
different from the way we celebrate it here in the United States.
I say it's not so very different from the way we celebrate...
Okay.
Oh, this would be, uh, Christmas in Los Angeles.
Uh, in Los Angeles, Santa Claus, pictured right here, is seen as an overweight,
pathetic character.
On Christmas Day, children put him on a rigorous program of diet and exercise.
By February, jolly old Saint Nick is down to a trim 160 pounds and is starting
to feel good about himself.
Unfortunately, by September, he goes on an eating binge again, and the cycle
starts all over.
Yeah, so I'm starting to gain a lot of weight, but a lot of it is just
retention.
Once I start exercising, it'll all come off.
You say...
What's it, what's it to you anyway?
You say a lot of it is water retention?
Yeah.
Okay, a lot of water retention.
And finally...
Oh, here we are back in New York City, ladies and gentlemen.
How much water would you say you retain over the course of, uh...
A couple of gallons of water Santa will be retaining.
Here in New York City, where we're living presently, young men traditionally
back up a van to a neighbor's house and load it up with presents.
Lots of time, the clothing doesn't fit too well, but that's just part of the
fun.
There...
There go the...
Could I borrow your chicken leg for a minute, Santa?
You seem to be having some trouble with it.
Well, you get the general gist of how it's celebrated here in New York City.
We're going to pause now to carry out the dead and the wounded.
We'll be right back.
It's fun, isn't it?
No Christmas special would be complete without the sound of a choir of angels.
And my next guests have brightened up the New York City subway system and are
here tonight to brighten up our Christmas extravaganza.
From New York, New York, the town so nice they named it twice, making their
musical debut, singing a medley of Christmas favorites.
Here are the guardian angels.
The guardian angels.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
These two average fallen names, they heard the name for Rudolph, joining the
new ranger games, playing one-fighting with the youth, never been to see.
Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight? Let all
the rangers open, and they shot it out with clear, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
humanized history.
We love a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know, where the tree
drops glisten, and children listen to the ears, sleigh bells in the snow.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas what I write.
May your day be merry and bright, and may all your Christmas days be white.
Very nice. Thank you very much. Certainly enjoyed that. Thank you very much.
Curtis, how are you? Thank you, sir.
Come on here a second. You probably recognize this gentleman, Curtis Sliwa, and
for folks in other parts of the country where the Guardian Angels are not caroling
or patrolling subways, tell us about the group and what they do.
Well, we're in 37 cities in the United States, even some in Canada, but we're
best known for the subway patrol in New York City.
That means eight of us, instead of singing, would actually be boarding the
trains or on the platforms looking out for your protection.
Fellas like you come on with suits like this and valuables inside your pockets.
We make sure nobody walks away with them and make sure you get home in one
piece.
So you're looking out for wimps, essentially, is what you're doing.
You have a female in the organization. What is your name?
Barbara.
Barbara? I didn't realize females were in the Guardian Angels.
Oh, worse than that, I have my wife, who's second in charge, who tells me she's
the boss, and she makes sure the females are treated completely equally.
I guarantee you, my foot, my ankle, my knee have been subject to my wife's
attacks when we don't treat young ladies equally to the fellas.
Did you want to, Curtis, briefly introduce the folks in the group who were kind
enough to carol for us tonight?
Oh, sure.
Okay, in back we have little John.
John, how are you?
All right, we have Gary right here.
We have Eric.
We have Kurt.
Carlos Valentin.
Andy Hollywood-Rios.
Barbara.
And what a fitting name for a Guardian Angel, Justice.
Well, Curtis, thank you very much for all the wonderful work in the city of New
York, and thank you very much for caroling for us tonight on our Christmas
program.
Have a pleasant holiday.
Where's our record contract?
Well, we'll talk to you a little bit later about that.
Curtis Lee, we're in the Guardian Angels.
We'll be right back.
Hi, there.
Welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen.