Name: College Bowl/Delivery Race/Michael Keaton on Letterman, Oct. 19, 1982
Uploaded: 2017-12-20T23:19:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'College Bowl/Delivery Race/Michael Keaton on Letterman, Oct. 19, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'College Bowl/Delivery Race/Michael Keaton on Letterman, Oct. 19, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-20. Transcript available.

College Bowl/Delivery Race/Michael Keaton on Letterman, Oct. 19, 1982

In addition to that, one other reason why tonight is special,
the first annual Chinese food delivery race and college bowl to be held.
Right here in the studio.
Here's a little Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, good evening, everybody.
You know, I gotta say this, because it is, because we do, on this show, you
know, we kid the Chinese.
And then an hour later, we kid him again.
Thank you, Paul. Thank you very much.
Now, this is exciting. Let me explain how this works.
In the world of competition, there are many classic rivalries.
You have Harvard versus Yale, USC versus UCLA, Army versus Navy, Ball State
versus Rose Polly, and on and on.
But tonight, the spotlight shifts to two lesser-known but equally bitter rivals.
I'm talking about Hunan Walk University and Szechuan State.
The big event, the Chinese food delivery race.
Now, tonight on our show, this season's winner will be chosen.
Now, the winner of the competition, oh, my.
Both teams are vying to keep this ancient 17th century takeout container, which
will be placed in a prominent location on the campus.
Now, in just a moment, we're going to be making a conference call to both
campuses to place an order.
The first to deliver the order to our studio will be the winner.
Now, because, let me show the map here.
Because Szechuan State is located 15 minutes farther away, right down here,
than is Hunan Walk, which is located up here.
And, of course, ultimately, they're trying to reach our location in Midtown
here at 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
We have given them a 15-minute head start on their order.
Now, this is only fair.
Now, what I'm going to do is call, place the order, and start the contest.
Tell me how I do this.
So, just pick this up, push the two, simultaneously push the buttons.
Hello, is Sophia there?
Yes, this is Sophia.
Sophia, and you're representing Szechuan State?
Yes.
All right.
Now, is Arthur there?
Yes.
You're not in the same place, obviously.
No.
And, Arthur, you're representing Hunan Walk?
Yes.
Okay.
I'm going to place the order.
Are you ready?
Yes, I'm ready.
Okay, I would like, from the cold appetizers column, an order of hacked chicken.
Yes.
Okay, hacked chicken.
Hacked chicken, from both of you.
All right.
Okay, hacked chicken.
Hacked chicken.
Under the soup, I would like hot and sour soup.
Okay.
Hot and sour soup.
I'm sorry, what was that?
Hot and sour soup.
Hot and sour soup, that's right.
Under pork, we would like the mushu pork with two pancakes.
Okay.
Are you getting this, Sophia?
Yes.
All right.
From seafood, we would like the sliced prawns with pea pods.
Okay.
Am I going too fast for you?
No.
Okay.
How about a beef dish?
Okay.
We would like beef with broccoli.
We'd also like the tachian chicken.
Okay, tachian chicken.
Yes.
And did you get that, Sophia?
Yes.
All right.
And for dessert, we would like lychee nuts.
Lychee nuts.
Okay, lychee nuts.
Okay.
Now, does that come with steamed rice?
Yes.
Yes.
Okay.
Now, do you know where the delivery goes?
Could you give me that choice?
Okay.
This is going to NBC.
Okay, NBC.
NBC Studio 6A.
Don't take it across all to 6B.
Sue Simmons will eat it all.
Let's say 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
Okay.
Do you have the address, Sophia?
Yes.
Okay, you get the order.
Okay.
Okay.
Please begin cooking.
Yes.
Good luck.
The race is on, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back with the Hunan Walk University versus Szechuan State
College Bowl right after this.
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Welcome back to the show.
Now, in honor of the great Chinese food delivery race, we have assembled here
two teams, one from each campus, to help us play, yes, college bowl.
Each team member was selected by us because he or she was, in fact, in
attendance during lunch at Szechuan State or Hunan Walk University when we paid
them a visit last week.
First, now, let's take a look at these two lovely campuses.
With the familiar statue of Confucius standing guard right in the heart of
downtown Manhattan lies beautiful Szechuan State, known not just for its lovely
campus and its famous alumni,
but for its prestigious art department, acclaimed school of animal husbandry,
and the legendary school paper, the Waume Press.
Here's the administration building where it all begins.
Students can choose from a catalog of over 300 different courses, and the
friendly and courteous faculty are always available for counseling.
But for the students, it's not all work, whether it's strolling the tree-lined
campus, sharing a snack, or frequenting a favorite campus hangout,
your years at Szechuan State will be memorable, where the old meets the new,
where we look at the past to help with the future.
This is Szechuan State.
It's a fast, ever-changing world we live in, and the students of Hunan Walk
University are very much a part of it,
with a wide choice of courses for today, like Yuan Nen Chicken and Triple Delight.
The campus motto proudly greets all who enter.
And the newly refurbished facilities reflect the forward-thinking spirit and
attitude of the student body.
Whether it's chatting with the university gourmet or pledging a fraternity,
students take advantage of all that this up-to-date university has to offer.
Is Hunan Walk University for you?
Why not ask famous contemporary alumni, actress, and graduate, Brooke Shields?
There you have the two lovely campuses, and now let's play college bold.
Here are the rules.
I will read the question.
To answer the question, your team must be the first to sound the buzzer or the
bell.
You must then wait until the entire question has been read before you answer.
Now, it is recommended that all team members confer before an answer is given.
If the answer is incorrect, the opposing team receives a chance to answer.
All questions have been taken from the information on the menus from both
restaurants,
which both teams have had an opportunity to study along with sample questions.
And now, if everyone is ready from both teams, let's begin, shall we?
Question number one.
This one is for 30 points.
This is a multiple-choice question.
Which of the following is not a dish seen on one of these two menus?
A, fillet of beef on camel hump.
B, ten ingredients, spiders with crispy noodles.
C, braised fish head in casserole.
Which does not appear on the menu?
Yes, Hunan Wok, Andrea.
B, braised spider, the spider one.
The ten ingredients, spiders with crispy noodles.
Absolutely correct.
This does not appear on the menu.
Yes, the answer is B.
Hunan Wok jumps out to an early 30 to nothing lead.
Now, for 50 points, I'm going to have to ask you both to watch your television
monitors here.
Both teams, if you'll take a look at the monitors,
name the dish that you see before you on the screen now for 50 points.
Any idea?
Would you like to take another brief look at that?
Yes, Andrea, again from Hunan Wok.
Chicken and broccoli.
Chicken and broccoli.
Gee, a good answer.
I'm sorry, can you take it, Szechuan State?
Incorrect.
Can we see it again?
Yes, one more time, and then that will be the end of this one.
Any idea what that is?
Anything?
Just take a guess.
Chicken and hot sauce?
Chicken and hot sauce?
No, that was prawns Hunan style.
A tough question.
Moving on now, question number three.
The score holds at 30 to nothing in favor of Hunan Wok University.
Carp has never really been, has never really appealed to the Western palate.
For 30 points, which of the following carp dishes is the average American least
likely to order?
Once again, this is a multiple choice question.
The carp dish Americans are least likely to order.
A, carp with brown sauce.
B, carp tail in brown sauce.
C, hot braised live carp.
Yes, Andrea, Hunan Wok.
C.
C is correct.
Hot braised live carp.
Probably not a dish anywhere.
Congratulations.
There's the whistle, and yes, it's halftime.
Let's review the score, and as it stands now, the score is Hunan Wok University,
60, Szechuan State, nothing.
Let's take a break now and meet the contestants.
Starting with, your name is Rosa.
Rosa.
And Rosa, what is your favorite entree in a Chinese restaurant?
My favorite is sliced chicken with broccoli.
Sliced chicken with broccoli.
And moving now to Bob.
Bob, how about you?
I very much enjoy the shower fried duck.
Shower fried duck.
Now, when you order in a restaurant, do you share with the other members of
your party,
or do you pretty much eat off your own plates?
Normally, we share shower fried duck duck.
Okay, nice to have you here tonight.
And Gloria, how about you?
What is your favorite appetizer?
Egg rolls.
Egg rolls.
And how do you feel about MSG or no MSG in the food?
Well, I prefer MSG in my food.
You do enjoy the MSG in your food.
Okay, nice to have you here.
This is the team from Szechuan State.
And now over to Hunan Wokie.
You folks jumped out to an early lead.
Let's start with Peter.
Peter, what is your favorite dish, sir?
Beef fried rice.
Beef fried rice?
Yeah.
And do you ever get any unusual fortunes when you dine at Hunan Wok?
No.
Okay.
And Andrea, how about yourself?
What is your favorite food at a Chinese restaurant?
Lobster Cantonese.
Lobster Cantonese is a little more exotic than the other offerings.
Nice to have you here.
And finally, Jim, how about yourself?
Beef and broccoli.
Beef and broccoli.
And how about you?
Do you share with others?
Or do you pretty much eat?
You do share?
Yes.
That's a little friendlier, isn't it?
Makes to be a little bit friendlier.
Yeah, certainly does.
Okay, Jim, thank you very much.
You're playing a nice game.
Once again, the score, Hunan Wok, 60 Szechuan State, nothing.
We'll be back to complete the competition right after you folks.
Take a look at this.
Hi there, and welcome back.
We're right in the middle of the Chinese food delivery race, and we're right in
the middle
of College Bowl, the score once again, Hunan Wok University, 60 Szechuan State.
Nothing.
Are you folks ready for more questions?
Sure.
All right, back to the competition.
This is a math question, so you may want to use a pen or a pencil and some
paper we have
provided for you there.
Listen carefully.
You're vacationing in Denver, and you would like to have some Peking duck in
New York the
following evening at 8 o'clock.
For 30 points, what is the latest you can place your order?
Oh, Andrea, Hunan Wok.
24 hours is the latest.
Okay, the question is, what is the latest you can call to place your order?
And the answer, I need a time.
Can you just give me a time?
Six o'clock.
Six o'clock is absolutely correct.
A six o'clock Peking duck requires a 24-hour notice, and there is a two-hour
time difference.
Nicely done.
That was 30 points.
Pretty good players.
Listen carefully.
This is for 50 points.
Which, if any, of these three generals that you'll be seeing on the television
monitor here,
General Chen, General Charles de Gaulle, and General Irwin Rommel
have a beef, a chicken, and a pork dish named after them.
Yes, once again, Andrea, Hunan Wok.
General Chen.
I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
Can you take it, Szechuan State?
Can you see the pictures again?
Can they see the pictures once again?
All right, for Szechuan State, once again, General Chen, General de Gaulle, and
General Rommel.
General Rommel.
No, I'm sorry, the answer, surprisingly, none.
General Chen has a beef and a chicken dish named after him,
but to date, no general has had three dishes named in his honor.
Kind of a trick question.
A tough one, I'll admit.
This question, for 200 points, the score remains,
Hunan Wok University, how many do they have?
Oh, 90 to nothing.
So, you know, you folks could win it on this one question.
Odd how this works out, isn't it?
All right, for 200 points,
which of the following is the only religious leader
to have a duck dish named after him?
St. Anthony of Pajua,
Buddha,
Lao Tzu,
or Brigham Young.
Oh, my goodness, Szechuan State.
Yes, Bob.
Buddha?
Buddha.
Buddha is absolutely correct, ladies and gentlemen.
Buddha.
Oh, my God.
Well, congratulations, you pulled it out of the fire.
Good heavens.
With answering the correct answering of that last question,
Szech