Name: Dave Slices Finger on LNwDL, March 4, 1987
Uploaded: 2018-01-01T02:53:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Slices Finger on LNwDL, March 4, 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave Slices Finger on LNwDL, March 4, 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-01. Transcript available.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome back to the program.
See, they were worried that people would start panicking
if they thought that those things in Raisin Bran
were other than actual raisins.
Who made that song a hit, Paul?
That last one? Vehicle? The Ides of March.
Another one-shot pass right there.
Yeah. Swingin' song.
If you've ever been suckered into buying a Ginsu knife or Whip-o-matic,
or any product that can slice, dice, chop, grate, and drive you home,
chances are you're being taken for a few hard-earned dollars by our first guest.
He is the last of the big-time Boardwalk pitchmen from Atlantic City.
Please welcome Arnold Morris.
Arnold.
Nice to see you here, sir.
Now, we're just joking with you there.
You're not really taking people's money.
I mean, they're receiving quality merchandise in return, aren't they?
I don't sell anything that I don't really feel is a bargain or a good value.
Top quality.
And you've been doing this for years,
and your family has been in it for quite a long time?
All my life.
Your father started this?
My father started it way back before the World's Fair,
the first World's Fair.
He actually invented and sold items, didn't he?
He invented items and manufactured it and sold it.
Is there an item he invented long ago that is still being sold today?
Yes.
This one over here.
Well, we're going to go into that in a little while,
but that's our safety shredder and grader.
That's the best thing I've ever had in my life.
And how much does that go for right there?
Oh, a couple of dollars.
A couple of dollars.
And the reason for that expense is this is actual plastic.
High impact.
Okay.
So I guess you've got stuff you're going to show us here tonight, right?
Yeah, let me go into a couple of these things.
Do you still work on the boardwalk?
I'm down at the Seaport.
Seaport, huh.
The Fulton Street Fish Market weekends I go down there.
You're making a fistful of money.
Oh, sure.
I mean, you really are.
This is quite lucrative, isn't it?
That's right.
Very, very.
All right, Arnold, go ahead.
It all started back with this.
This is a glass knife from the World's Fair.
What year?
1939.
New York World's Fair, and that's the first thing.
This is like an actual knife or a souvenir?
Oh, yeah, that's an actual.
No, that's a knife that cuts.
And they started out with that, and then they got into these vegetable slicers.
Like, for instance, here.
This is the one that Ed McMahon became famous with down at Atlantic City Boardwalk.
They called it the Morris Metric.
The Morris Metric.
Morris Metric.
Named again for?
My father.
Your father.
Right.
And he started out, and he worked his way through college selling these things.
Look where it got him today.
Metric referring to what?
Metric is you can adjust it to different thicknesses.
All right?
Now, you can slice and dice and do all your different cuts with that.
All right, now they upgraded themselves.
After that, they...
Can I try that just a second?
Oh, sure.
You got Band-Aids?
And it's fairly easy to operate?
Uh-huh.
Terrific.
Don't go any further.
You'll have fingers in there.
Ow, jeez.
Oh, God.
Oh, jeez.
Now what are we going to do?
Welcome to the clock.
I'm going to need stitches for this.
Look at this thing.
Oh, heck.
Now, damn it, Arnold.
Now, seriously.
I'm going to...
Get the nurse.
Well, somebody...
This is going to require at least four stitches here.
Oh, my gosh.
You know, I'm starting to feel a little faint.
Now, this thing is a hazard, damn it.
Now, I tried to stop you.
I said don't go any further.
The bleeding hasn't stopped, Arnold.
Well, we'll get you a transfusion or something.
All right.
Now.
Now, how much does this go for?
This thing is a real danger.
They don't make it anymore.
Well, thank God.
Did the FDA crack down on this?
I don't know, but they went out of business.
Now, look, I'm going to need a tetanus shot because this thing is rusty.
I'm going to get lockjaw.
You should have let me show you this one over here.
This has a safety guard.
All right.
Go ahead.
You see, that's what I tried to get into.
Now, with this one over here...
I'm really pissed now.
All right.
This one...
I'm not supposed to get injured.
It's my show, okay?
Go ahead, Arnold.
All right.
This is the dial-o-matic, the improvement with the safety so you don't touch
your finger.
Oh, good.
Why couldn't we have seen that one first?
Well, I tried to...
Well, what can I tell you?
Look, on this side over here, you make your home fries.
They're rippled, okay?
Now, when you put the potato on the other side, it becomes shoestrings, juliennes
like this,
carrot sticks, beet sticks, so forth.
You put it in the center, you give it a half a turn, you give it a half a turn,
and this is when you're on a diet, you have half the calories gone.
Do you have a setting on there for thumbs?
Yes.
This one over here takes off your whole arm.
Look, you see this?
You get that nice and thick.
This is the worst cut I've ever had, by the way, Paul.
Do you need anything?
Stab victims don't bleed like this, you know?
Do you need an antiseptic?
I'll be all right.
What's next?
Well, you tell me.
You got the chopper.
You should have worked this because you can't cut yourself.
You can bounce it up and down.
Okay.
This is your chop-o-matic, your dial-o-matic.
Well, load it up and chop something.
Well, sure.
Here, you put it in here and tap it up and down.
You can chop onions, parsley, celery, peanuts, walnuts.
This even chops up ice.
It's still good.
You see?
It won't stop.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
Just look at that.
What are we going to do?
Well, I don't know.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
What can I tell you?
You're kind of taking the fun out of this, Arnold.
Yeah, I guess so.
All right.
What do we do?
Commercial, we're going to suture this up, and we'll be right back.
Thank you, folks.
We're back here with Arnold Morris, and show us the rest of this stuff.
Okay.
Let me show you how we get a crowd usually.
We take a beet, and we start to make a little flower out of the beet.
Now, this is called a flex knife.
It's a peri knife.
It's very flexible.
You make four cuts around the beet like this, and you take the point of the
knife, you cut
up a little circle.
Right.
Now, I had a lady the other day.
She says, how'd you learn to do that?
I says, well, 20 years ago, a French chef, Pierre McDonald, he showed me how to
do this.
He owns a chain of restaurants.
Look.
Anyway, one lady said to me, I wouldn't do that for the best man alive.
I said, why not?
Why not?
She's too damn much trouble, she said.
Yeah, too much trouble.
I says, are you married?
She says, that's the damn trouble.
All right.
This is Arnold Morris.
How do you do?
What is your name?
Mariana McCann.
Mariana, nice to see you.
How do you do?
Do you have one of these in your kitchen?
No, I don't.
Oh, thank God.
The kitchen's too small for one.
Arnold is demonstrating things here, and look, I cut myself, and I swear to God,
I haven't
bled like this in years.
Now, look at that.
Don't you think that that needs some stitches?
Major surgery.
Absolutely.
Well, look at the size of that thing.
Yeah.
Ooh, there.
See, it's still going.
Are we going to have to suture?
No.
What should we do?
Well, maybe we can sew it right here.
And it's throbbing, too.
Want a nice pat?
Is that rusty?
Do I need a tetanus shot?
No, that's not rusty.
Oh, you could.
Now, wait a minute.
Oh, okay.
He's trying to influence the jury.
Now, look at it.
It's still going.
When did you last have a tetanus shot?
Oh, I don't know.
Paul, when did I last have a tetanus shot?
They're good for 10 years.
Oh, they're good for 10 years?
Yeah.
Okay, well, I've had one with 10 years.
Go ahead, Arnold.
I don't want to ruin your spot.
Do you want to cut your sample?
No, no, no.
I've had enough practice with that.
The thing that concerns me is it's not stopping.
Oh, we've got the stuff here.
Arnold, go ahead.
Oh, let me go back to this thing over here.
I've got to finish this rose.
My gosh, listen.
Here.
I know what you're thinking.
Oh, sure.
Don't listen to him.
Watch me.
You see that?
Look, here's a little flower over here.
And we'll make a little circle over here like that.
It's a hydrogen peroxide.
Oh, yes.
Oh, my goodness.
You probably wonder what the heck do you do with this darn thing?
Because I knew you'd borrow the stretcher.
He doesn't know.
No, I have no idea.
Anyway, well, if you have a cheap date, you wear the darn thing as a corsage,
you know.
Then at least you'll have something to munch on the way home.
Good idea.
Now, let me show you another thing.
Remember the last time I was here, I showed you how to screw a potato?
I'm sorry.
This is the last time you were here.
Now, your father actually invented that, didn't he?
This one, yeah.
I've got to show you another way to screw a potato.
Now, watch this.
You put this into the potato.
You have a couple of turns like this over here.
Okay.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
Do I sleep through the rest of the show?
No.
You're not going to die from that.
No, I know, but it's quite painful.
All right?
Well, listen, you might get six weeks off from the show and go to Florida.
Like you didn't know this was dangerous when you forced me to try it.
I begged you to stop.
Look here.
You unwind this like that, you see, and out comes this little pigtail over here.
Look at that.
Now, you're going to like this because if company comes, you can stretch the
damn thing.
You can't live without one of those.
Oh, no.
How do you get along with it?
Listen, I'll tell you something.
You wind these things together like this over here, and you get the kids to eat
them because
they look like candy.
Oh, yeah.
That's the best way.
Now, if you have company over, and you run short of shrimp or something, you
know, you
take these.
Ah, jeez!
Oh!
God!
Oh!
Woo!
You got what you wanted.
You bled more.
You bled more.
I don't know about the vegetables and everything, but your ratings are going to
go up when this
gets to the newspapers.
How much time do we get here?
Here.
Let me show you.
Let's see.
The biggest thing you got on.
This is the one you're supposed to cut yourself on.
Yeah, that's the one.
You ever see this?
You can slip on that.
You can go halfway up your elbow.
Oh, yeah.
Look who makes it.
Give me a try, then.
Let me.
I think it says Johnson & Johnson on here.
They make Band-Aids.
They get you coming and going with this thing.
Look.
This is a safety shredder and grater.
You see, this you can't touch it.
That's what I should have been using.
Look, look, look.
You see?
Now, watch.
Oh, my God.
I'm still bleeding.
Look at this.
This side, there's all your shredder.
You see this?
Oh, this is fantastic.
Look.
You're having your shredded carrots in a matter of seconds.
Look at that.
Here, you like hash brown potatoes?
Hash brown.
You need those carrots in a matter of seconds.
No fingernails.
If you're in the middle of a carrot emergency, you need them.
Did you ever grate a potato in this?
Oh, sure.
My mother made potato pancakes.
She used to say you eat them.
I made them with my own flesh and blood.
She wasn't kidding.
I mean, they tasted like meatballs.
Look.
Anyway, look.
Potato pancakes.
Apples for applesauce.
Oh, yeah.
Hard Italian cheese.
Look at this.
No lumps, no bumps.
I want to show you one last thing.
Do we have time for one last thing?
One last thing.
Do you know there's more juice in a carrot than there is in an orange?
Watch it.
No, I didn't know that.
Oh, yeah.
You take carrots like this.
Oh, sure.
Carrots are good for the eyes.
Celery juice is good for your nerves.
Beet juice is good for your blood.
And if you can't sleep at night, onion juice.
Onion juice.
You'll sleep like a baby.
Is that right?
All alone.
Anyway, here.
Let me show you.
This is what happens when you cook a carrot.
This is what you throw down the sink.
Look at this.
All the juice goes down the drain.
That's sinful, isn't it?
To waste all that juice?
The fish eat that.
They get big.
Yeah.
You know what's left over?
Mom puts butter, salt, and pepper on that.
She camouflages it.
And she says, eat that.
And gives that to the old man.
If he eats that, he'll drop dead.
One lady said, I hope he will.
No, this is good for you.
No, it's the Pope.
The Pope.
I said, lady, you shouldn't say that.
She says, what the hell?
He's no good anyway.
So, anyway, listen.
What can I tell you?
I thought there for a second we had a finish.
You know, I thought that was going to be the boom and we'd get out of here.
But, no, we didn't have a finish.
Well, Arnold, good to see you.
Thank you very much for coming in.
We'll be right back.
It's thriving.
Come on.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
The End

Dave Slices Finger on LNwDL, March 4, 1987

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome back to the program.
See, they were worried that people would start panicking
if they thought that those things in Raisin Bran
were other than actual raisins.
Who made that song a hit, Paul?
That last one? Vehicle? The Ides of March.
Another one-shot pass right there.
Yeah. Swingin' song.
If you've ever been suckered into buying a Ginsu knife or Whip-o-matic,
or any product that can slice, dice, chop, grate, and drive you home,
chances are you're being taken for a few hard-earned dollars by our first guest.
He is the last of the big-time Boardwalk pitchmen from Atlantic City.
Please welcome Arnold Morris.
Arnold.
Nice to see you here, sir.
Now, we're just joking with you there.
You're not really taking people's money.
I mean, they're receiving quality merchandise in return, aren't they?
I don't sell anything that I don't really feel is a bargain or a good value.
Top quality.
And you've been doing this for years,
and your family has been in it for quite a long time?
All my life.
Your father started this?
My father started it way back before the World's Fair,
the first World's Fair.
He actually invented and sold items, didn't he?
He invented items and manufactured it and sold it.
Is there an item he invented long ago that is still being sold today?
Yes.
This one over here.
Well, we're going to go into that in a little while,
but that's our safety shredder and grader.
That's the best thing I've ever had in my life.
And how much does that go for right there?
Oh, a couple of dollars.
A couple of dollars.
And the reason for that expense is this is actual plastic.
High impact.
Okay.
So I guess you've got stuff you're going to show us here tonight, right?
Yeah, let me go into a couple of these things.
Do you still work on the boardwalk?
I'm down at the Seaport.
Seaport, huh.
The Fulton Street Fish Market weekends I go down there.
You're making a fistful of money.
Oh, sure.
I mean, you really are.
This is quite lucrative, isn't it?
That's right.
Very, very.
All right, Arnold, go ahead.
It all started back with this.
This is a glass knife from the World's Fair.
What year?
1939.
New York World's Fair, and that's the first thing.
This is like an actual knife or a souvenir?
Oh, yeah, that's an actual.
No, that's a knife that cuts.
And they started out with that, and then they got into these vegetable slicers.
Like, for instance, here.
This is the one that Ed McMahon became famous with down at Atlantic City Boardwalk.
They called it the Morris Metric.
The Morris Metric.
Morris Metric.
Named again for?
My father.
Your father.
Right.
And he started out, and he worked his way through college selling these things.
Look where it got him today.
Metric referring to what?
Metric is you can adjust it to different thicknesses.
All right?
Now, you can slice and dice and do all your different cuts with that.
All right, now they upgraded themselves.
After that, they...
Can I try that just a second?
Oh, sure.
You got Band-Aids?
And it's fairly easy to operate?
Uh-huh.
Terrific.
Don't go any further.
You'll have fingers in there.
Ow, jeez.
Oh, God.
Oh, jeez.
Now what are we going to do?
Welcome to the clock.
I'm going to need stitches for this.
Look at this thing.
Oh, heck.
Now, damn it, Arnold.
Now, seriously.
I'm going to...
Get the nurse.
Well, somebody...
This is going to require at least four stitches here.
Oh, my gosh.
You know, I'm starting to feel a little faint.
Now, this thing is a hazard, damn it.
Now, I tried to stop you.
I said don't go any further.
The bleeding hasn't stopped, Arnold.
Well, we'll get you a transfusion or something.
All right.
Now.
Now, how much does this go for?
This thing is a real danger.
They don't make it anymore.
Well, thank God.
Did the FDA crack down on this?
I don't know, but they went out of business.
Now, look, I'm going to need a tetanus shot because this thing is rusty.
I'm going to get lockjaw.
You should have let me show you this one over here.
This has a safety guard.
All right.
Go ahead.
You see, that's what I tried to get into.
Now, with this one over here...
I'm really pissed now.
All right.
This one...
I'm not supposed to get injured.
It's my show, okay?
Go ahead, Arnold.
All right.
This is the dial-o-matic, the improvement with the safety so you don't touch
your finger.
Oh, good.
Why couldn't we have seen that one first?
Well, I tried to...
Well, what can I tell you?
Look, on this side over here, you make your home fries.
They're rippled, okay?
Now, when you put the potato on the other side, it becomes shoestrings, juliennes
like this,
carrot sticks, beet sticks, so forth.
You put it in the center, you give it a half a turn, you give it a half a turn,
and this is when you're on a diet, you have half the calories gone.
Do you have a setting on there for thumbs?
Yes.
This one over here takes off your whole arm.
Look, you see this?
You get that nice and thick.
This is the worst cut I've ever had, by the way, Paul.
Do you need anything?
Stab victims don't bleed like this, you know?
Do you need an antiseptic?
I'll be all right.
What's next?
Well, you tell me.
You got the chopper.
You should have worked this because you can't cut yourself.
You can bounce it up and down.
Okay.
This is your chop-o-matic, your dial-o-matic.
Well, load it up and chop something.
Well, sure.
Here, you put it in here and tap it up and down.
You can chop onions, parsley, celery, peanuts, walnuts.
This even chops up ice.
It's still good.
You see?
It won't stop.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
Just look at that.
What are we going to do?
Well, I don't know.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
What can I tell you?
You're kind of taking the fun out of this, Arnold.
Yeah, I guess so.
All right.
What do we do?
Commercial, we're going to suture this up, and we'll be right back.
Thank you, folks.
We're back here with Arnold Morris, and show us the rest of this stuff.
Okay.
Let me show you how we get a crowd usually.
We take a beet, and we start to make a little flower out of the beet.
Now, this is called a flex knife.
It's a peri knife.
It's very flexible.
You make four cuts around the beet like this, and you take the point of the
knife, you cut
up a little circle.
Right.
Now, I had a lady the other day.
She says, how'd you learn to do that?
I says, well, 20 years ago, a French chef, Pierre McDonald, he showed me how to
do this.
He owns a chain of restaurants.
Look.
Anyway, one lady said to me, I wouldn't do that for the best man alive.
I said, why not?
Why not?
She's too damn much trouble, she said.
Yeah, too much trouble.
I says, are you married?
She says, that's the damn trouble.
All right.
This is Arnold Morris.
How do you do?
What is your name?
Mariana McCann.
Mariana, nice to see you.
How do you do?
Do you have one of these in your kitchen?
No, I don't.
Oh, thank God.
The kitchen's too small for one.
Arnold is demonstrating things here, and look, I cut myself, and I swear to God,
I haven't
bled like this in years.
Now, look at that.
Don't you think that that needs some stitches?
Major surgery.
Absolutely.
Well, look at the size of that thing.
Yeah.
Ooh, there.
See, it's still going.
Are we going to have to suture?
No.
What should we do?
Well, maybe we can sew it right here.
And it's throbbing, too.
Want a nice pat?
Is that rusty?
Do I need a tetanus shot?
No, that's not rusty.
Oh, you could.
Now, wait a minute.
Oh, okay.
He's trying to influence the jury.
Now, look at it.
It's still going.
When did you last have a tetanus shot?
Oh, I don't know.
Paul, when did I last have a tetanus shot?
They're good for 10 years.
Oh, they're good for 10 years?
Yeah.
Okay, well, I've had one with 10 years.
Go ahead, Arnold.
I don't want to ruin your spot.
Do you want to cut your sample?
No, no, no.
I've had enough practice with that.
The thing that concerns me is it's not stopping.
Oh, we've got the stuff here.
Arnold, go ahead.
Oh, let me go back to this thing over here.
I've got to finish this rose.
My gosh, listen.
Here.
I know what you're thinking.
Oh, sure.
Don't listen to him.
Watch me.
You see that?
Look, here's a little flower over here.
And we'll make a little circle over here like that.
It's a hydrogen peroxide.
Oh, yes.
Oh, my goodness.
You probably wonder what the heck do you do with this darn thing?
Because I knew you'd borrow the stretcher.
He doesn't know.
No, I have no idea.
Anyway, well, if you have a cheap date, you wear the darn thing as a corsage,
you know.
Then at least you'll have something to munch on the way home.
Good idea.
Now, let me show you another thing.
Remember the last time I was here, I showed you how to screw a potato?
I'm sorry.
This is the last time you were here.
Now, your father actually invented that, didn't he?
This one, yeah.
I've got to show you another way to screw a potato.
Now, watch this.
You put this into the potato.
You have a couple of turns like this over here.
Okay.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
Do I sleep through the rest of the show?
No.
You're not going to die from that.
No, I know, but it's quite painful.
All right?
Well, listen, you might get six weeks off from the show and go to Florida.
Like you didn't know this was dangerous when you forced me to try it.
I begged you to stop.
Look here.
You unwind this like that, you see, and out comes this little pigtail over here.
Look at that.
Now, you're going to like this because if company comes, you can stretch the
damn thing.
You can't live without one of those.
Oh, no.
How do you get along with it?
Listen, I'll tell you something.
You wind these things together like this over here, and you get the kids to eat
them because
they look like candy.
Oh, yeah.
That's the best way.
Now, if you have company over, and you run short of shrimp or something, you
know, you
take these.
Ah, jeez!
Oh!
God!
Oh!
Woo!
You got what you wanted.
You bled more.
You bled more.
I don't know about the vegetables and everything, but your ratings are going to
go up when this
gets to the newspapers.
How much time do we get here?
Here.
Let me show you.
Let's see.
The biggest thing you got on.
This is the one you're supposed to cut yourself on.
Yeah, that's the one.
You ever see this?
You can slip on that.
You can go halfway up your elbow.
Oh, yeah.
Look who makes it.
Give me a try, then.
Let me.
I think it says Johnson & Johnson on here.
They make Band-Aids.
They get you coming and going with this thing.
Look.
This is a safety shredder and grater.
You see, this you can't touch it.
That's what I should have been using.
Look, look, look.
You see?
Now, watch.
Oh, my God.
I'm still bleeding.
Look at this.
This side, there's all your shredder.
You see this?
Oh, this is fantastic.
Look.
You're having your shredded carrots in a matter of seconds.
Look at that.
Here, you like hash brown potatoes?
Hash brown.
You need those carrots in a matter of seconds.
No fingernails.
If you're in the middle of a carrot emergency, you need them.
Did you ever grate a potato in this?
Oh, sure.
My mother made potato pancakes.
She used to say you eat them.
I made them with my own flesh and blood.
She wasn't kidding.
I mean, they tasted like meatballs.
Look.
Anyway, look.
Potato pancakes.
Apples for applesauce.
Oh, yeah.
Hard Italian cheese.
Look at this.
No lumps, no bumps.
I want to show you one last thing.
Do we have time for one last thing?
One last thing.
Do you know there's more juice in a carrot than there is in an orange?
Watch it.
No, I didn't know that.
Oh, yeah.
You take carrots like this.
Oh, sure.
Carrots are good for the eyes.
Celery juice is good for your nerves.
Beet juice is good for your blood.
And if you can't sleep at night, onion juice.
Onion juice.
You'll sleep like a baby.
Is that right?
All alone.
Anyway, here.
Let me show you.
This is what happens when you cook a carrot.
This is what you throw down the sink.
Look at this.
All the juice goes down the drain.
That's sinful, isn't it?
To waste all that juice?
The fish eat that.
They get big.
Yeah.
You know what's left over?
Mom puts butter, salt, and pepper on