Name: Amateur Census Survey Remote on Letterman, June 22, 1990
Uploaded: 2018-01-23T20:10:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Amateur Census Survey Remote on Letterman, June 22, 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-23. Transcript available. Dave polls residents in a suburban neighborhood.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Amateur Census Survey Remote on Letterman, June 22, 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-23. Transcript available. Dave polls residents in a suburban neighborhood.

You know, I didn't mention who else is on the program tonight.
John Hyatt will be out here in a couple of minutes.
He is the greatest.
Yeah, he's terrific.
And also a very nice man by the name of Walter Swan,
who owns his own bookstore.
And in the bookstore, they only have one book.
One book?
The same book.
They have many copies of the same book.
Oh, a million copies of the same book?
What book is that?
It's a book that he wrote.
And he has a store.
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
You know, ordinarily, going up to houses of complete strangers
and asking lots of personal questions would annoy people.
Well, recently, when I decided to conduct my own amateur census,
I discovered it really did annoy people.
My name is Dave Letterman.
I'm with the amateur census.
What is your name?
Doreen.
Hi, Doreen.
Nice to see you.
Do you live here?
Yes, I do.
And what is this, a house?
Yes.
Do you have a pool?
Yes, I do.
Can we use the pool?
I don't think so.
Do you consider yourself to be strong?
Moderately.
Yeah.
Could you lift this guy down there?
No.
That's all right.
No one can.
Do you have a couple of minutes to answer some questions for the amateur census?
When was the last time you were drunk?
Do you remember that?
I don't think I was ever drunk.
All right.
Is this the old Betty Davis house?
No.
Why is that question?
Huh?
Why would you ask Betty Davis?
I don't know.
You know, I don't prepare these forms.
Look at this.
Look.
Look at the forms they send me out.
There must be nine pages of questions.
I don't know if she does or not.
I think she's dead, frankly, between you and me.
I think Betty Davis is dead.
Well, she is.
Oh, she is?
Well, I'm going to quit asking that question then.
How many guns do you have in your house?
Do rifles count?
What's your name?
Justin, how old are you?
Nine years old.
Are you married, Justin?
No.
Any children?
No.
Have you ever been in prison?
No.
You know, you kids are dripping wet.
What the hell's going on?
We were in the pool.
Oh, thank God.
I thought maybe it was some sort of plumbing problem, like a pipe that exploded.
But you have a swimming pool.
Yes.
Oh, well, that explains why you're so damp.
Well, could we use the pool?
Would that be a problem?
No, we can't use the pool.
Are you sure?
Justin, what do you think?
Can we come in and use the pool?
No.
It's okay with Justin.
All right, let's go, boys.
No, we're not coming in.
Don't worry.
How long have you lived here?
Oh, about 30 years.
Have you ever killed a guy?
No.
What's your name?
Just your first name, please.
Pat.
Pat.
All right.
Is that P-A-T?
Mm-hmm.
Do you have children?
Yes.
All right.
Their ages, please.
21 and 23.
21 and 23.
A boy and a girl?
Two girls?
Two boys?
Boy and a girl.
Boy and a girl.
Just give me their combined height, like the two of them.
What would be the total height of the two of them?
It would be about 13 feet.
13 feet.
All right.
Have you ever wagered on Mexican soccer?
No.
How are you?
My name's Dave Letterman.
I wonder if you could answer some questions for the amateur census.
I don't know.
Take you about four minutes.
Me?
I'm not the lady of the house.
That's all right.
Neither am I.
Do you wear glasses?
Yeah.
Are you wearing them now?
Yeah.
Do you do a lot of cooking?
I'm through cooking.
I'm 85 years old.
You're 85 years old?
86 I'm going to be.
Man, a lot of you're very...
Well, I told you I was born the year of the flood, 1905.
You're a very young-looking 86.
Oh, yeah.
Hold your breath.
You know, the people next door have 10 people living in that house.
Did you know that one right over there?
10 where?
10 people right over there.
10 people.
What?
In what house?
In that house right there.
The next to me.
This one right here.
With the red car?
Yes.
10 people.
No, they're not.
30.
And guess what else?
They have a giraffe over there.
There's five people.
Yeah, 10 people and a giraffe.
And no giraffe.
Have you ever managed the New York Yankees?
I watch them every day.
No.
That's it.
That's the end of our census.
We'll be right back here with John Hyatt.