Name: Camping with Barry White on Letterman, May 24, 1983
Uploaded: 2018-01-25T06:44:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Camping with Barry White on Letterman, May 24, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Camping with Barry White on Letterman, May 24, 1983' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-01-25. Transcript available.

Camping with Barry White on Letterman, May 24, 1983

I had kind of a reflective day in the office.
The new Red Book is here, and whenever that arrives, we spend a couple hours
thumbing through it.
Interesting, they have predictions and hopes for 83, and George Shultz,
Secretary of State,
his one dream for 82, he said he would like to see a grand funk reunion.
Oh, gosh.
I found out today that a member of our staff once went camping with Barry White.
I know, it stunned me, too.
Does he look like he'd go camping, this guy?
Barry White, the tent of love and all that?
Well, it was kind of a love tent.
We got a good show for you here tonight, don't we?
Oh, now, who said ooh?
Did somebody say ooh?
Was that Hiram?
Yes.
Hiram Bullock, ladies and gentlemen, back from some sort of...
Are you all right now?
What did they do to you exactly, without being too graphic?
Now bionic.
Hiram is now bionic.
We got a good show for you folks tonight, and let me explain something.
You're probably not going to see this in TV Guide, but from now on, just start
watching
every night, or you'll miss it.
One night before the end of the year, we're going to have Camping with Barry
White night
right here on the floor.
So, and I can't tell you, but plenty of surprises, and it'll be probably a 90,
probably a 90-minute
show?
A 90-minute show, Camping with Barry White night, so look for that, won't you?
This is, by the way, not to diminish the program we have for you tonight.
We got a, we have a wonderful program.
I guess I, oh, let me explain something to you.
The most asked question that I get on the streets now is, Dave, when can we
look forward
to Camping with Barry White day on your show?
Well, see?
Yeah, it's getting a pretty good groundswell here.
Soon, we're making all the preliminary arrangements.
It'll probably be a 90-minute show, maybe a two-parter, all dealing with Camping
with Barry
White, so check your local listings for that.
Now, on tonight's program, also a fine effort.
Kind of a nasty flap here in New York City for those of you visiting from out
of town.
Big scandal now.
It turns out that the New York City High School Driver's Ed courses in the
final examination
means a kid will be timed to see how quickly he can unlock a car with a coat
hanger.
Well, it wasn't quite right either, was it?
I'm glad you folks are in a good mood.
We have a fine, fine program for you here tonight.
Have I mentioned, I've left something out, haven't I?
Oh, when is Camping with Barry White Day going to be?
When is it?
May, during the month of May, look for it.
We announce it now to give you plenty of time to, well, just quit your job and
stay home
and Camping with Barry White.
We've got an interesting show tonight.
That's very nice of you.
And what about you?
Well, today, my day started on a sad note.
I no longer have mice, ladies and gentlemen.
I spent the early morning hours carrying tiny little furry mouse carcasses out
of my home.
Oh, sad.
It's ugly.
How did, what happened?
They, a mouse trap got them.
But it's, it's, I'm, I, but it was, it's very sad.
It's hard to eat breakfast while they're, you're counting them up, you know,
there's one here.
Sad.
And something else went wrong.
Oh, I tell you what, it's a Barry White Camping with Barry White Day.
We're having a lot of trouble there.
But we'll try and get that ironed out.
But on, on the good side of my day, no one on the staff came dressed as
anything today.
So, uh, Barbara, did you dress as anything today?
Okay.
Uh.
I like the cool brown evenings.
I like the nights as well.
I like just sitting by myself.
Nature and its glory.
We'll have to say a different story.
Snakes and snails.
And funny little things.
Ouch.
Thanks.
Barry White has just been bitten by a northern copperhead.
What you've seen here, fortunately, is only a dramatization.
But if you were camping with Barry White and something like this happened,
would you know what to do?
The first step in the treatment of a snake bite, of course, is applying a tourniquet
just above the wound.
We'll simulate this with this bit of gauze.
Barry, can you hold on to that if you're not in too much pain?
I don't want to die, David.
All right.
Thank you, sir.
Make sure it is above the wound.
Next, make an incision.
Also, over the wound, get yourself a sharp knife and sterilize it.
This appears to be clean enough.
I'll make that incision right about in there for the sake of the argument.
Now, next, suction the venom out of the wound.
There you are.
Now, after that, get Barry White to a doctor immediately.
Thanks.
Now, a lot of you are probably thinking, Barry White bitten by a snake.
That only happens when the other guy goes camping with Barry White, but what if
that other guy turns out to be you?
Make sure you know what to do.
Thank you, and safe camping.
Thank you, Barry.
Thank you, Barry.
Thank you, Barry.
From New York, the city by the bay, it's late night with David Letterman.
Tonight, camping with Barry White, with actress Jacqueline Bissette, comedian
Bob Goldswing, and singer Barry White.
And now, a man who can't seem to get the hang of anything, David Letterman!
Hi, there.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is David Letterman.
A nice day outside, isn't it?
Yeah.
Beautiful day, and we have a fine program for you tonight.
Today, of course, is the 100th anniversary of the Brooklyn Bridge, and many of
our studio audience members are going over there when we finish here tonight,
aren't you?
For people who don't know much about the Brooklyn Bridge in other parts of the
United States, let me explain something to you now.
The bridge originally was built to connect the two boroughs of Manhattan and
New York, and was used, I'm sorry, Manhattan and Brooklyn.
Yeah, I'm a native.
So they connected Manhattan to Brooklyn, and it used it, oh, day and night all
the time.
But here lately, now that each, hardly nobody uses it anymore, now that each
borough has its own blimpies.
And for those of you across the United States who don't know what a blimpies is,
how do you describe blimpies?
No, no, no, it's a fine place to eat.
It's a restaurant, that's what it is, blimpies.
Yeah, we got a, ladies and gentlemen, if you can sense some additional
electricity coming off your television set tonight,
it's because today, obviously, is Camping with Barry White Day.
And I've got to tell you, Barry is here, and in great spirits, and has never,
never been in better camping form tonight.
And we'll get to meet Barry a little bit later.
Also, this woman, a fine actress, and a comely young lass, as we say back in
Indiana.
No, that's nice to say. No, that is.
Yeah, you can say that, and I'm sure she's happy to have heard it.
Maybe not for me, but happy to have heard it.
It's the truth.
Beautiful woman, Jacqueline Bissett, is here tonight.
Also, comedian Bob Goldthwaite.
And other interesting stuff.
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, as I mentioned, is Camping with Barry White
Night.
And as you know, camping with Barry can be a sublime experience, or it can be,
quite honestly, it can be a nightmare.
It all depends on your attitude, and frankly, on having the proper equipment.
So, we went to Barry himself for his list of indispensable camping utensils,
and this is what he recommended to us.
Ladies and gentlemen, come on up here.
Thank you very much.
You know, according to Barry White, when you're looking for a sleeping bag,
look for three things.
One, it should, of course, be round.
This goes without saying.
It should also have a mirrored ceiling attachment.
And finally, it should also have the magic finger massage action.
Not surprisingly, the official Barry White model passes all three tests.
That's the sleeping bag.
Now, when Barry White lounges around the campsite, he does it like he does
everything else, in style, but, of course, with a respect for the environment.
Now, these satin lounging pajamas in dappled shades of camouflage blend in
beautifully with the surrounding underbrush.
Now, for a truly sensual massage, warm oil is a necessity, but in some campsites,
firewood can be scarce, and that's why Barry has developed this solar massage
oil warmer right here.
A few minutes of sunlight will bring you hours of sensuous bliss after dark.
See, the sun would come in there and warm that oil right up there.
You know, you don't have to take that.
It's not necessary, but it could be a lot of fun for you.
Now, you can't go camping without cooking utensils, however, and, like we see
here, the traditional camping utensils.
But there's no law that says they can't be stylish.
Now, this solid gold mess kit ring lets Barry White's fingers sparkle and also
allow him to fry up fish and small games.
He just puts on the, like this.
Okay, now, this handsome gold medallion is more than a handsome piece of
jewelry.
It's also an ultraviolet bug lamp.
It zaps mosquitoes with 600 volts of electricity.
You'll look like a million, and your campsite's free of flying insects.
It's a lovely piece right there.
Now, whether Barry is singing on a concert stage or camping in a remote
wilderness, he likes to create a special atmosphere.
And that's why this custom-designed mood flashlight softly bathes even the
darkest forests in the rich colors of love.
You know, walkie-talkies can also be a lifesaver in an emergency, but their
sound quality is often tinny and shrill.
With almost no bass response, they might not transmit Barry's call for help.
That's why this design has a powerful five-inch woofer attached to it.
Now, let's see how this works.
Let me try and...
Hello, Barry.
Do you read me?
David, my leg.
I think it's working.
Okay, don't worry, Barry.
Help is on the way.
Well, there's the five-inch woofer.
We have a...
I keep saying this, but we have a grand show for you tonight.
Barry White himself will be here in person right after this word, folks.
Thank you.
Thanks, Paul.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
We're going to meet the man whose day we're having an honor of, or words to
that effect.
He is one of the creators of the most distinctive sounds in all of music today.
Of course, he is also one of America's best-known campers.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Barry White.
Thank you very much for being here and helping us out with Camping Day with
Barry White.
Let me ask you, do you ever go camping under any circumstances?
Oh, yeah.
Of course, we try to watch for the snake bites.
Yeah, you've got to be careful there.
My wife, Glodine, taught me how to camp because where I was raised,
the only thing we camped on was your chest, your doorstep.
So my wife, Glodine, taught me how to camp, what little I know.
Yeah, where would you go if you were, I mean, the first time you went on an
official trip?
We went up to Sequoia in California, and we got lost up there.
Yeah.
And I think it was the week that the movie Grizzly had just came out.
And we were out camping, and we got lost.
I was with five other people who told me they knew how to camp.
And I had bought $1,100 worth of stuff.
Naturally, I got too much stuff, you know.
This was complete fishing gear, camping gear?
Everything, David.
Everything but a compass, everything but water, everything but a flashlight.
Because when it started getting dark, that's when I noticed everybody was lost.
Yeah, yeah.
So it was every man for himself.
And naturally, I threw away everything I had on my body and just went up a hill.
Now, you guys were hiking into deep wilderness.
Yeah.
And then you just, you bolted, huh?
Yeah, I had to go, David.
So how is it that you're alive today to tell us this story?
What happened?
Naturally, self helps self.
And I got to the top of the mountain, and there was a highway, and I just laid
out in the middle of the road.
Well, that's a little known survival tip, I guess, that you just throw yourself
on the highway.
Now, did somebody finally stop and see?
Yes, and I told Bill Seppi, who is very close to my family, offer him anything,
just get us some help.
Get me back to the campsit