Name: Viewer Mail, Final Countdown Calendar on Letterman, December 6, 1984
Uploaded: 2018-02-04T03:01:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail, Final Countdown Calendar on Letterman, December 6, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail, Final Countdown Calendar on Letterman, December 6, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-04. Transcript available.

And sitting in with our band tonight, Herbie Mann, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, they call Herbie Mann the hijacked man.
Why is that?
Why is it? Well, look at him. Look at the way he looks.
No, because he had a very big record out.
Because he had a big record out in the 70s, was it not?
Hi, Jack. Hijack your love. I want to steal your love.
And all of you will be performing together as a group tonight.
Yes, indeed.
With Herbie Mann. Good.
Yes, indeed. He's fabulous.
So, what about you?
Is there some controversy, by the way, about a Christmas tree?
No.
Nothing about a Christmas tree in an office or anything?
No problem.
Nothing about that?
I'll tell you about the tree.
We have this tree up there, and a lovely tree, see?
Yeah.
Earlier today, thugs show up.
Thugs, brandishing identification.
They burst into our office.
They burst into the office, terrorizing everyone.
Now, they're from the people who own the building.
And they say the tree has got to go.
Really?
Yep.
And you know what else?
What really upsets me?
Somebody on the 14th floor snitched on us.
We were turned in for having a tree in our office.
One of the steps?
No, no, no, no.
Shame.
Somebody down in...
I know who it was.
It was those weasels at the Weekend Nightly News office.
Oh, they said they got a tree, and we don't have a tree.
And so now, we have to haul the tree out to Queens or someplace to have it fireproofed
at $200 or $300.
We can do that.
But we can't have a tree.
It's those snitches at the Weekend Nightly News.
It's those Connie Chung people that we have so much.
They come right in.
They say, you can't have this tree.
Sports has a tree.
Sports, there.
You want to check up on sports?
They have a beautiful tree down on the 5th floor.
Go see sports.
Beautiful tree.
Turn those folks in and see what happens.
Well, there's this fireproof.
Hey, listen.
I'm not done either.
Cable television is dead.
Yeah!
There's only one show I'll watch on cable, and I'm paying $80 a month for cable.
Only one show I'll watch.
It's that wrestling talk show.
They can just come out and unplug it over the weekend.
I'm done with cable.
Forget it.
I don't need it anymore.
Oh, they're losing huge money.
Big sums of money.
Oh.
Cable TV is dead.
You heard it here first.
I feel a little better.
Thank you.
You are testy tonight, aren't you?
Yeah, I know.
But it was this tree episode upset me.
Thugs showed up at our door and said,
The tree has got to go, kids.
I know.
And it's because we were weaseled on by snitches on the same floor.
Connie Chung came over.
Now, I don't know that it was Connie Chung.
I think it was just the people that work in that office.
Came down.
Came right over and said, oh, they made a call.
They made a call.
You know, they...
Let me speak to Connie.
See what I can do.
Connie just got married, so she probably don't care.
Good night.
Yeah.
What are we doing?
Oh, it's Thursday night, so...
Oh, no.
Oh!
Tonight is the big night.
Ladies and gentlemen, for the last who knows how many months,
we have been counting down the days until the arrival of Phil Donahue.
Phil Donahue is now in the building.
Today is the last day.
Here, then, our final moment with the Phil Donahue countdown calendar.
Final day on the Phil Donahue countdown calendar.
And I just want to say it certainly has been a pleasure
to be a part of this ongoing pageantry.
Let me just touch this one up a little bit.
That's the nice thing about working with a roller.
Okay, well, that's it.
That's our final installment.
And it's certainly been a lot of fun.
I think we've learned a little something about not only Phil,
but ourselves as human beings.
But as far as the calendar is concerned,
we certainly don't need it anymore.
So, thank you all very much.
I think we've learned a lot of fun.
I think we've learned a lot of fun.
I think we've learned a lot of fun.
I think we've learned a lot of fun.
I think we've learned a lot of fun.
I think we've learned a lot of fun.
I think we've learned a lot of fun.
I think we've learned a lot of fun.
I think we've learned a lot of fun.
I think we've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
We've learned a lot of fun.
Smiles we're left behind.
Smiles we gave to one another.
For the way we were.
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has it been so simple?
I have to, I don't have to, I want to thank the Cuyahoga Wrecking Corporation
for their assistance.
Even with this, it cost us a bundle.
Once again, get a pencil.
The Cuyahoga Wrecking Corporation.
I'd like to thank them for their assistance.
You know, the, if they'd have been in the office when the folks came over to
talk about the tree, we'd still have a tree.
That was Cuyahoga, ladies and gentlemen, for their wrecking assistance.
Please, for all your wrecking needs.
For all your wrecking needs, why not call the friendly folks at Cuyahoga?
Well, we don't have time for any more of this, do we?
Do we, we can't do the mail?
We don't want to do a commercial and then do the mail?
Do the mail.
We'll do the mail.
Tonight's Thursday night will keep them in mind for your holiday wrecking needs.
Now, dear Mr. Letterman, letter number one begins, I bet you get funnier
letters than this, and it's signed, sincerely, Gary P. McLeckner.
You know, Gary, I get funnier parking tickets than this.
Dear Dave, letter number two begins, I am writing to request an autographed
picture of the king of late night.
Thank you, Mike DiNuzzo.
I think we can arrange that for you, Mike.
Sure.
Get you that photo.
That's no problem.
That'll be easy.
Yes, could I speak to the king, please?
King of late night!
Hi.
Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, Your Majesty.
Do you have any more of those autographed photos left?
Well, I believe so.
Oh, good.
Could you send one out to Mike DiNuzzo?
I'll see what I can do about it.
Okay, great.
Thank you very much.
Good luck to you.
Thank you.
Letter number three begins optimistically enough.
Dear Dave, I had a dream about you and Paul Schaefer.
I took a bottle of liquid paper and threw it at Paul, not intending to hit him,
just to scare him a bit.
It hit him right between the eyes.
I take dreams very seriously and would appreciate it if you could ask Paul to
find it in his heart to forgive me.
Yours truly, Gary, my challah.
Well, that's interesting.
Paul, do you know anything about this?
Well, no.
Actually, I don't.
Of course, I would be glad to forgive.
Paul, excuse me.
I'm sorry.
The letter says liquid paper.
Not liquid plumber.
No, no.
Liquid paper.
Liquid paper.
Ah.
Props.
Here we go.
No, actually, I don't know anything about it.
You don't know anything about it.
Okay.
Well, awfully sorry, Gary.
We did what we could there.
Yeah.
It's not liquid plumber.
No, it was liquid.
It turned out it was liquid paper.
Ah.
I was a liquid plumber.
Dear Dave, occasionally during viewer mail, there are skits in which an actor
plays the part of one of the people who actually wrote in the letter.
Don't you think that person might feel insulted because the actor who portrayed
him is a wimp and doesn't look at all like him?
A fan, Michael Walk, Dixon, Illinois.
And I understand Mike is in the audience tonight.
Mike, where is Mike?
Mike, stand up if you're up there.
Yes, I'm Michael.
Yes, geez, Mike, I'd like to apologize on your behalf.
It's certainly not our intention to make people who watch the show look silly.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, sir.
I missed a meeting, didn't I?
Well, we have time for just one more of these little letters, ladies and
gentlemen.
In the room, it was hysterical.
Yeah, it was.
You know how they say?
I was busy battling the guys with the tree.
Yeah.
Dear Mr. Letterman, have you noticed your three separate personalities, or are
there more?
Sincerely, Mike Sims.
Well.
Sure, Mike, I'm familiar with my three separate personalities, and no, there
aren't any more.
First of all, there's the playful me, and then, of course, there's the hard-working
me, and, of course, the street-wise me, and that's the one I don't think too
many people are really well familiar with.
Okay, guys, what do you say we go home and get a drink?
Well, there you have it.
We'll be right back with Marisa Berenson.
Thank you, folks.
Thank you.