Name: LNwDL 2nd Anniversary Special, February 4, 1984
Uploaded: 2018-02-09T21:47:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'LNwDL 2nd Anniversary Special, February 4, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'LNwDL 2nd Anniversary Special, February 4, 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-09. Transcript available.

LNwDL 2nd Anniversary Special, February 4, 1984

Attention! Attention!
Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. This is Larry Budd-Melman.
Welcome to the second anniversary celebration of Late Night with David Letterman.
We're all geared up with a spectacular evening of music and memories.
But before we begin the festivities, I'd like to perform a toast.
Here's to you, and here's to me. But you're not here.
So here's two to me.
Now let's get back to the studio and let the games begin.
From New York, where we're all so excited we're bumping into each other,
it's Late Night with David Letterman's second anniversary show and party.
Tonight, Mr. T, Marielle Hemingway, Nastassia Kinski, Andy Kaufman, Joe Theismann,
Grizzly Adams himself, Dan Haggerty.
Also, highlights of the past two years, new gift items, stupid pet tricks,
stupid human tricks,
steamroller crushings, and more.
Plus, Larry Budd-Melman reporting from the big party at the casino in the Park
Room
with the New York Marriott Essex House Hotel.
And now, a man who's hoping they don't eat all the cocktail wieners before he
gets to the party,
David Letterman!
Thank you, folks.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to our gala second anniversary special tonight.
And what a show we have packed into a scant 90 minutes for you.
I've got to tell you, I'm very proud.
People say to me, Dave, you've been on the air now two years.
What is your most, what are you most proud of?
And I'll tell you, frankly, we have done a show in this studio every night of
the week for two full years.
This studio is located in the center of Manhattan, Midtown, New York, New York.
The town's so nice, they named it twice.
There are 350 shows, and in that time, ladies and gentlemen, we have had very
little gunplay to speak of.
Thank you very much.
I hope that holds true for tonight.
So I'm coming down the elevator, and I run into this NBC executive, and he says,
Dave, nice to see you.
He says, what's new?
And I said, well, tonight is our second anniversary special.
And he says, great, congratulations, what network?
So you can imagine how proud I am tonight.
I'm serious.
Let me start telling you now what you can expect on this program.
We are going to take a look at fun with guests that we have had over the last
two years.
The best of stupid pet tricks in this studio tonight.
We are also going to have remote highlights, you know, when we visit little
areas around this great town of ours.
The best of stupid human tricks.
Also, a psychologist is going to come in here and explain why I gesture with my
index finger.
What else do we have?
Oh, the man you saw at the beginning of this program, our own Larry Budd Melman,
we have assembled golden moments from the last two years featuring Mr. Melman.
We will be taking a look at the after-school special, They Took My Show Away.
We're also going to be taking a look at some of the more peculiar events that
we have slapped together for North America in the last two years.
Also, the best of the steamroller, that's right, here tonight.
Everybody here also gets a free flu shot.
Thank you.
The Merchant Marine Academy Choir singing at the Essex House Hotel.
What else?
Plenty of surprises.
I think now it's time to go back to the Casino on the Park ballroom at the Essex
House Hotel and check in with our own Larry Budd Melman and find out the flavor
of the festivities.
Larry, can you hear me?
All right.
Let me try this again.
Larry.
David.
Yeah.
How I wish you and your hundreds of home viewers could be with us here as the
party gets underway.
For hours now, guess I've been arriving here in the beautiful Casino on the
Park room at New York's Stately Essex House Hotel.
There's no gambling in this casino unless you take your chances with the roast
beef.
Just kidding.
The food is delightful and so is the company.
As I survey this glittering assembly, I see so many marvelous stars, so many
familiar faces, and a number of hotel employees that I don't know.
They're all here, Dave.
The singers, the dancers, the two shriners, and TV's Grizzly Adams, Hacks of
Dan Hacker.
All separate tiles in the human mosaic that is the late night anniversary party.
Well, Larry, it certainly looks like a wonderful time.
Why is it that Dr. Ruth Westheimer is talking to the two shriners?
Okay, apparently Larry can't hear us now, and maybe that's to the good.
Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, I'd like to say hello to our good friend,
our musical director.
Let me tell you a couple of things about this man you may not already know.
At the risk of repeating myself, first of all, he's not from this country.
Secondly, you probably know him best as Timmy on the old Lassie show, Paul Schaefer.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
David, you're too much.
You know, it's a special, special, special night.
We're all feeling very, very special.
One thing that's making us feel kind of special over here is that our good
friend David Sanborn has dropped by to join us.
Thank you very much for joining us.
Thank you very much for joining us.
Well, also, sax work, and hey, let's not forget the cats who have been loyal,
so loyal to us,
and have been here putting out that hard drive in rhythm and blues and rock and
roll music every week.
How about Hiram Bullock?
Hiram Bullock?
Hiram?
Will Lee.
Will?
Will Lee on the bass guitar.
How about Will Lee, the best bass player in the world?
Steve Jordan, of course, a guy who, uh, he would be here, but as you know, he
was trying to dance like James Brown.
That's right.
Injured himself.
He did a knee drop, and he's not as young as he used to be.
He hurt himself.
But, uh, joining us for the special and making us feel every bit as special as,
uh, you can possibly feel on another.
Mr. Steve Gadd.
Steve, nice to have you here.
And Dave.
Congratulations, Steve.
Thank you very much.
Same to you, Paul.
I appreciate, uh, everything over the last two years.
And speaking of that, over the last few years, we have presented what seems
like hundreds and hundreds of new gift products that had just come out on the
market.
Well, after searching through the best of these new gift items, we found
several that hadn't been thrown out yet.
And we've assembled them here tonight and invite you now to window shop with us
as we look at the late-night anniversary collection of new gifts.
Shall we?
First of all, some things just seem to go together.
You know, for centuries, women have known that nothing smooths and softens skin
like lotion.
But there always is that puzzling problem of, how do you store that messy stuff?
Well, here now is the perfect answer.
The new lotion in a drawer.
Yes, it's all at your fingertips.
There's the lotion.
Here, of course, is the oil.
And finally, the drawer full of cream.
Yes, there it is.
Lotion in a drawer.
Well, it took us two years to come up with this one.
Now, this music box is quite a darling.
It's shaped like a miniature television set, as you can see.
And when you lift the lid, it plays the haunting theme from the emergency
broadcast system.
That's lovely, isn't it?
All right.
Now, you know, everybody knows that the little light in your refrigerator goes
out when you close the door, of course.
Or does it?
Well, now, at last, you can be sure with this.
This, of course, is the refrigerator periscope.
And certainly a small price to pay for a good night's sleep, don't you think?
Finally, for those who find shaving dull every morning, how about this?
This is the Rabid Dog Shaving Cream Dispenser.
Realistic foaming mouth holds six ounces of shaving cream or dessert topping.
Yes.
Okay.
Now, we got an unbelievable amount of...
All right.
Get the tranquilizer gun.
We have quite a show for you folks tonight.
It's going to be a lot of fun.
So, come on back after you take a look at this.
Thank you, Paul.
Welcome back to the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you're familiar with our program, you know that every
Thursday evening,
we devote some time to answering our voluminous viewer mail.
And over the last two years, we certainly have received quite a variety.
And we thank everybody who has sent letters to us.
And we certainly appreciate your kind support.
We thought tonight we would give you an example of how that particular segment
works.
We have a letter here we received a couple of months ago.
And we'll show you how we answered this particular letter and give you an idea
how this thing goes.
Dear Dave, I suppose that you think of yourself and other entertainers as being
important.
Ha!
Let me put it in perspective for you, Dave.
You are one of 10,000 billion living organisms that have inhabited this planet
since the creation of life itself.
The planet that you live on is a small, ordinary rock sphere orbiting a common
little sun
tucked away in an obscure corner of a plain old spiral galaxy.
Assuming that you weigh 1,000 pounds, which, by the way, is pretty close,
your mass would be 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 of the total mass of the
known universe.
Important?
Not hardly.
And it's signed, John Campbell, Lansdale, Pennsylvania.
Well, John, your perspective is very interesting,
but I think you failed to perceive the full scope of this very complicated
subject.
Perhaps this clip from the award-winning science film entitled
The Universe and You, produced by Bell Laboratories in cooperation with the
Smithsonian Institute
and the National Aeronautic and Space Administration, will help clear things up.
Your mass would be 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, the total mass of the
known universe.
Let's go a step further and look at a contrast, not of size, but of
significance.
For example, entertainer David Letterman has an average viewing audience of
well over 6 million people.
He makes use of the National Broadcasting Company, which has over 500,000
employees across the United States.
And his salary, although not yet known, is believed to be such that he could
quit his job right now
and be a wealthy man for 100 years.
By contrast, John Campbell of Lansdale, Pennsylvania, has no job, no friends,
and interviews with his parents suggest that he soon will have no home.
Yes, John Campbell might as well be an amoeba to such a man as David Letterman.
Of course, just an example of some of the viewer mail that we answer every
Thursday night.
Now, we're going to be going back to the Casino on the Park at the Essex House
Hotel in a few minutes,
but before we do that, let me show you something.
Over the past two years, we have welcomed many hundreds of guests to our show,
and we've had a good time with dozens of them.
So, we've put together some of the memorable moments that we have had with
these people,
and we would now like to share those occasions and events with you.
Watch closely.
We're going to now take a look at some of your 200 shoes.
Oh, God.
And as we see the parade of shoes before us, ladies and gentlemen, please
remain seated, too.
What's in the front there?
What would that be?
The first one I never wore.
You've never worn those?
No.
That second pair I wore in Frankenstein, Andy Warhol's Frankenstein.
Those pair, that pair I wore.
Oh, I was mugged in those blue.
What kind of jobs were you, like, secretarial work, I'm guessing, is out?
That's how you do it.
I'm just, I'm just a joke.
I just, yeah.
Now, you have...
See, that's why I'm squeezing his ball.
So, in case he get to telling them corny jokes, I'm going to squeeze his ball.
If I squeeze the ball too many times, if I, you've seen him squeeze the ball
over ten times,
let me cut jokes out on the squares about six times already.
Oh, shit.
This happens to be a 35-pound one.
I need assistance on this, really.
Oh, sorry, you need help lifting your nuts?
Yeah, yes.
There's this.
I'll just be in the next room if you need me.
When you're working in a theater, are the audience nice people?
Nice?
Let me stand up and tell you.
About the theater, Broadway?
Quiet, you.
I'm on stage.
Well, I always have three pointers, and I hope I don't forget them right now.
Now, one pointer is, there are three of them.
They all begin with